Today, a nice couple came in to buy a car. I offered to drive...

By cargaljen - 17/5/2014 21:34 - United States - Olathe

Today, a nice couple came in to buy a car. I offered to drive it out from the line of cars for them, since it was a tight squeeze. They then watched as I managed to back it straight into another car, causing a large amount of damage to both. FML

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Work

Understandable

Work name

Weird kid

By Anonymous - 21/10/2015 11:40

Today, my soon to be ex-wife told her friends that we're getting a divorce because I'm physically abusive. I guess that sounded better than the truth: that she waited 8 months into her pregnancy to tell me that the child probably isn't even mine. FML

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By smeeagain - 21/10/2011 01:17 - United States

Today, I was chaperoning at my local high school's Homecoming dance. Outside the gym, I saw some kids drinking, so I walked over to stop them. One of them promptly spun around and punched me in the mouth. I had my ass handed to by a drunk 9th grader. FML

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By notsogood - 8/11/2013 20:02 - United States

Snoozefest

Today, during sex, my girlfriend got so bored that she asked me to tell her a story. FML

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By madiison09 - 1/4/2013 17:46 - United States

Today, I got a letter from Yale law school saying I got a 4 year full scholarship. I called my dad crying and read the whole thing... even the bottom, which said, "April fools! Love mom and dad." FML

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By oh_mylanta - 2/3/2009 09:10 - United States

Today, I came to work, to find my creepy boss sitting in my office. I work the night shift, so very unusual to find him there. I asked how he was, and he replied, "I told my wife about us; she kicked me out." I've been working there a month. Also, I'm married and pregnant. So, excuse me, "US?" FML

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By kylie - 10/8/2010 07:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me, and asked if he could come over to 'have some fun'. Thinking we were going to do it, I freshened up. Turns out his idea of 'having some fun' is playing Doodle Jump and Angry Birds on my iPod. For three hours. FML

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By anon - 13/1/2014 01:53 - United States - Bullhead City

Today, my husband and I decided to have a quickie before the kids woke up from their nap. The sex was amazing and I couldn't hold in my screams or not hit the wall. About 15 minutes in, both of our children came busting in with their nerf guns, screaming, "Where's the monster?" FML

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By LoveTheElder - 11/5/2016 01:38 - United States - San Clemente

Today, the elderly lady I work for got mad at me, all because I wouldn't feed her imaginary friend. FML

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By DeadBroke - 7/1/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years because I was tired of his childishness and anger, so he decided to send me 540 random text messages of scrambled letters in order to mess up my phone as well, as make me pay 20 cents for each message. FML

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By TheDumper - 21/6/2012 10:02 - United States - Chandler

Today, and for the last week, I've resorted to driving myself to the nearest corner store to take my daily dump. I'm doing this because I recently moved in with my boyfriend, and I'm afraid he'll be disgusted at how often I clog the toilet. FML

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By nothesisforme - 11/3/2015 14:01 - France

Today, I asked my professor for his opinion on the subject I plan to study in my thesis. Turns out, he likes it so much that he's going to steal it from me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2009 07:36 - United States

Today, my eye started hurting with unbelievable pain. I couldn't see out of it and I asked my father if he would take me to the hospital, since it was hurting so bad. He said he had to wait for the pizza he ordered for delivery. I had to call a cab to go to the emergency room because of pizza. FML

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By StupidCar - 7/2/2009 20:56 - United States

Today, I spent 600 dollars to have my brakes fixed on my car, they weren't squeaking. I got my car back and now the brakes squeal and my air conditioning won't work. I just spent 600 dollars to break my car even more. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2017 06:00

Today, I went home with a guy I met at the bar. I warned him that I was on my period, but he said it was fine. Not only was the sex awful, I woke up to find that he'd smeared period blood on my face in the dark. FML

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By Ishowet - 31/5/2017 12:00 - United States - Hialeah

Today, my five-year-old son told me that I smell bad and asked me to take a shower so I wouldn't attract bugs into the house. I had just showered. FML

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By ColdHeat - 16/4/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I shared our first kiss. His partly digested nachos decided to make an appearance halfway through. FML

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By limeychefboy - 23/2/2018 01:30

Today, I was on my motorbike 200km from home in the middle of nowhere when I needed to poop, so I found a wooded area and did my thing. As I was climbing back up, I knocked my helmet from its perch and watched it roll right into what I’d just left. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2010 16:09 - Canada

Today, while my boyfriend was going down on me, he fell asleep right between my legs. The worst part was I only noticed when he started snoring. FML

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By inked - 5/2/2012 05:54 - United States

Today, I showed off my new tattoo to my friends. Too bad it says "Walk Earless" now instead of "Walk Fearless." That's right, I'm now supporting Van Gogh. FML

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By (._. ) - 6/8/2013 20:35 - United States - Alburnett

Today, I asked out the man of my dreams. He told me he'd ask his dad if it was okay. I thought he was just kidding, until he pulled out his phone and called his dad. After a few minutes of "come on, dad" and "but why?" he hung up and said his dad wouldn't let him. He's 22. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2017 20:00

Today, I met my boyfriend's entire extended family at a party. All of them, including his dad, said I looked exactly like his mum. FML

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By im_a_mocker - 28/1/2009 23:35 - United States

Today, I decided to make a toaster scramble. I thought it was bad enough when the pastry fell through the grate in the toaster over. Then it burst into flames. After 5 minutes of fanning the smoke away from the smoke detector, it still went off. Now my entire dorm building is outside in a snowstorm. FML

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By EB - 6/11/2012 01:01 - United States

Today, I'm so broke, I asked my parents if they'd pay for me to go to the eye doctor and consider it my Christmas present. FML

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By wtf - 17/12/2012 19:38 - United States

Today, I was hit in the head by a golf ball. I wasn't near a golf course, and nobody was anywhere in sight. I'm still trying to figure out what happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2011 17:00 - Slovakia

Today, while presenting a project I've worked on for months, one of the professors exasperatedly cut in mid-sentence, saying, "Look, it's shit. Just stop already." FML

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By Zit-Blues - 4/1/2010 13:50 - United States

Today, I had a large pimple on my temple. I decided to try the whole "put toothpaste on the zit to make it dry up" technique that all the magazines say to do. Not only is my pimple still there, but the toothpaste irritated my skin and my already large pimple now appears three times bigger. FML

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By QuestionMyLife - 1/10/2009 00:56 - United States

Today, I walked into my bedroom and realized I really needed to clean it. As I started to pick everything up off of the floor, I tripped over a shoe, slipped on a water bottle, pulled down my shoe rack and landed in my armoire. My room is now dirtier than it was when I started. FML

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By Nice Guy - 29/10/2012 07:55 - United States - San Diego

Today, I noticed a rather small man being harassed by a rather large man, so I tried to help out and break it up. The small guy punched me in the face and said, "Mind your business!" The large guy laughed and fist-bumped him. FML

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By lifesmells - 27/6/2009 00:29 - Canada

Today, I learned that when blender jars aren't locked, they fly off the blender, into the air, hit you in the head and explode all over your kitchen. Today, I also learned that after I'm attacked by a flying blender, the first thing my boyfriend asks is if I'm still gonna make him a smoothie. FML

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By growlr - 20/7/2011 09:17 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina looks like an old man in a hat. It's OK though, he said it was a nice hat. FML

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By Loopy - 7/5/2019 06:00 - Belgium

Today, I had to buy more supplies for the cat my friend asked me to pet sit for 2 weeks. Her 2-week vacation ended over 3 years ago. FML

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By rb - 1/5/2011 06:02 - United States

Today, I washed my hands and reached for the towel but felt something sticky. It was a house centipede. It exploded. FML

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By fmlimoverit - 12/9/2010 00:39 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me because he felt "our religious differences kept us apart." We've never talked about anything religious. Ever. FML

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By Dirtyrice - 24/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Albuquerque

Dirty rice

Today, my 8-year-old son decided to make some rice for lunch. When we had it, I noticed a horrid gritty taste. It turns out, he puts dirt in the rice to make "Dirty Rice". FML

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By GhettoBeast - 8/9/2009 04:42 - New Zealand

Today, it was the first day of my job at a kindergarten. A boy fell over in the playground, so I ran over to see if he was OK. He got up and had a huge red mark on the side of his face. Shocked, I yelled "Oh my god, your face!" Turns out it's a very large port-wine birthmark and now he won't stop crying. FML

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By Hth - 8/11/2008 01:07 - United States

Today, for the 25th time, an Indian called my cell phone asking for 'Pinkie'. I don't know who the hell Pinkie is, but I don't appreciate people calling wrong numbers while I'm having it off. FML

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By kp - 17/10/2011 00:47 - Australia

Today, I found ants all over my chocolate, but I'm so addicted that I just wiped them off and ate it anyway. FML

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By Xpresss - 2/2/2009 10:39 - United States

Today, I came into work with a new hair cut and so far everyone has asked me If I lost a bet. FML

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By poor teacher - 23/9/2013 17:54 - United States - Syracuse

Today, at my job as a fourth grade teacher, I realized that most of my students have far nicer and more expensive phones than I can afford. FML

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By anonymous - 14/3/2010 05:04 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend said he wanted to marry me. Since he doesn't know my ring size he asked for me to find a ring that I liked and he would buy it and propose. The only problem is that he won't spend more than 200 dollars on it. Oh the generosity. FML

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Top comments

By Bano360 | 25

#5948993 - Sunday 18 May 2014 11:44

You had one job

By chuka81 | 27

#5949012 - Sunday 18 May 2014 11:57

You're a car salesman and you can't drive? I'm impressed.

Comments

By Bano360 | 25

#5948993 - Sunday 18 May 2014 11:44

You had one job

jipster | 11

#5949006 - Sunday 18 May 2014 11:54

Actually, his/her job was to sell the car and OP didn't say if he/she sold the car or not.

Maybe the couple still bought the car because the price was reduced. Or because they like damaged cars.

badluckalex | 23

#5949011 - Sunday 18 May 2014 11:56

I hope that by "damaged" you mean used. who goes to a dealership to buy a car that has been keyed or has a big dent?

OzzMonster | 10

#5949051 - Sunday 18 May 2014 13:28

I doubt OP still has a job...

markcallanan_ | 20

#5949063 - Sunday 18 May 2014 14:06

Yes, they HAD one job.

Jakob2255 | 12

#5949165 - Sunday 18 May 2014 17:01

actually even if dented or hail damage it is still new but discounted

metalwolf | 17

#5949486 - Sunday 18 May 2014 23:37

I would think along the lines of people who work for shows like myth busters, people who race in demolition derbies, etc.

brivielle | 15

#5950344 - Monday 19 May 2014 20:43

one word. screwedOP

By Quackadoodledoo | 13

#5948994 - Sunday 18 May 2014 11:45

I guess they won't be buying that one then.

badminton | 14

#5949056 - Sunday 18 May 2014 13:43

OP just has to buff out a few scratches and it should be good.

DomiLove | 26

#5949114 - Sunday 18 May 2014 15:45

"Causing a large amount of damage to both" Yea it'll be just fine.

badminton | 14

#5949194 - Sunday 18 May 2014 17:51

Oh, I was quoting Spongebob there, it was sarcastic

liketenpandas | 6

#5950103 - Monday 19 May 2014 17:07

I love how literal people take everything these days, makes me wanna jump off a bridge... oh and that was sarcasm too

By lbrown66 | 12

#5948995 - Sunday 18 May 2014 11:45

Hundred bucks says op is an Asian lady

By kevinu125 | 7

#5948998 - Sunday 18 May 2014 11:46

Did they at least make a pitty purchase

PotterHead_DH | 26

#5949074 - Sunday 18 May 2014 14:26

Nobody makes a "pity purchase".

dman1997 | 5

#5949378 - Sunday 18 May 2014 20:46

Especially on a $10k+ car.

Georick7 | 19

#6060565 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 5:28

Cause a person would buy a car that is ovey damaged just for pitty... Think about what you were saying

By vikingsfan619 | 5

#5949007 - Sunday 18 May 2014 11:54

Looks like you wrecked that opportunity

By chuka81 | 27

#5949012 - Sunday 18 May 2014 11:57

You're a car salesman and you can't drive? I'm impressed.

Tthug | 34

#5949244 - Sunday 18 May 2014 19:03

Even if you can drive, sometimes they're parked poorly at mall sales and such. I've had this happen before. The trick is to go slow (under 2.5 mph) and if you hit anything else, the damage should be negligible.

By firestream | 9

#5949013 - Sunday 18 May 2014 11:57

You only had one job and you blew it.

By gumbler | 5

#5949024 - Sunday 18 May 2014 12:18

If only you could drive a vehicle properly this whole situation could've been avoided

By NiceGuysDoWin | 21

#5949032 - Sunday 18 May 2014 12:41

"R" does not mean "rev the engine"...it means reverse. YDI

moomanjohnny | 10

#5949461 - Sunday 18 May 2014 22:52

Really? I've been lied to my whole life :/

By morghandi | 21

#5949042 - Sunday 18 May 2014 13:09

Are you covered for that? If you are, better you than them; it would suck being a customer responsible for that. Still sucks for you though, even if you are covered!

graceinsheepwear | 33

#5949065 - Sunday 18 May 2014 14:11

OP is an employee. Customers don't move cars on lots. It wouldn't have happened to them.

liketenpandas | 6

#5950104 - Monday 19 May 2014 17:10

uhmm