Love: Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my... - FML

By mel_bear_ - 14/03/2012 14:38 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my visibly drunk uncle stood up and denounced the minister for "preaching yer god shite where it weren't never be welcome". FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 244

You deserved it 2 578

Stop talking!

Empathy lives

You tried

By bestiality, not even once - 14/06/2013 22:29 - Ireland - Waterford

Spicy

Today, I walked into the living room, only to find my brother wanking off to an episode of My Little Pony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 312

You deserved it 6 691

Surprising

By Jrlloyd013 - 19/12/2009 22:33 - United States

Today, I had a surprise test for Economics. While taking the test, I put my head down so I could think. A while later, I awoke to the whole class turning in their test. I had to turn in my test incomplete. No questions answered, just my name, the date, and a pool of drool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 808

You deserved it 41 847

By lk07 - 03/11/2018 05:00

Today, I got severe diarrhea in a public bathroom. I told my 6-year-old to stand directly outside the stall where I can see her shoes. She proceeded to inform everyone who came in that "Mommy has diarrhea." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 675

You deserved it 309

By quick blow - 16/05/2012 02:53 - United States

Spicy

Today, I received an email from my girlfriend listing 10 ways to stop premature ejaculation. Subtle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 831

You deserved it 7 310

By Anonymous - 10/03/2012 14:20 - United States

Today, I was re-watching my wedding video. As I was walking down the aisle, you could hear my grandfather mutter "Here comes the bride, all fat and wide." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 000

You deserved it 5 873

By Anonymous - 01/05/2015 20:41 - United Kingdom - Oundle

Today, in the middle of the supermarket, my 7 year old son asked me what a cocksucker is and why his mum always calls me that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 304

You deserved it 3 632

By CutestBoysEver - 30/10/2012 01:30 - United States - Fruita

Today, I went to the hospital in labor expecting a baby boy. I ended the day with identical twins, a baffled doctor, and a husband convinced that our sons can clone themselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 650

You deserved it 2 906

By InfamousLastWord - 27/03/2013 19:34 - United States

Today, I was violently throwing up due to severe morning sickness. My boyfriend looked at me, then turned and walked away. In the end, my daughter gave me some paper towel and her juice. My 18-month-old is more supportive of my pregnancy than her 30-year-old father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 395

You deserved it 6 191

By Hailey Antone - 10/09/2011 19:01 - United States

Today, I brought my date home to meet my parents. We walked in the front door to find my drunken father wearing nothing but a Viking helmet, and swinging and jabbing our living room furniture with a pool noodle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 272

You deserved it 3 102

Troublemaker

By RIP - 08/11/2019 08:00 - United States - Lambertville

Today at 10:00 pm, someone rang my doorbell 4 times, while I was sleeping. I thought it was an emergency and I opened the door to my neighbor who just want to ask if I had a blackout at noon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 764

You deserved it 134

By two-hours-to-pick-up - 09/10/2009 09:46 - Australia

Today, I was in a fancy department store. I was wearing my travel backpack. I was turning around after paying at the checkout and my backpack hit a metre-tall display covered with necklaces. It went crashing to the floor, hitting another display table laden with jewelry that collapsed under it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 991

You deserved it 10 751

By Username - 09/05/2011 17:23 - China

Today, I made a cup of tea at work. Whilst talking to a work mate I took a sip of the tea which I had forgotten was boiling hot and laughed at the same time, causing it to come out of my nose. I have blistered my whole mouth and even burnt my nostrils. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 128

You deserved it 10 510

By weddinggirl - 27/08/2010 09:57 - Germany

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years finally asked me to marry him. He said: We could save taxes if we married.. what do you think? That was the most romantic thing he said to me in the last 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 359

You deserved it 10 031

By trixanne - 06/01/2015 20:57 - Australia - Sydney

Today, anticipating another stressful day of work, I went to leave my house with a cluster of thoughts in my mind. It was only when I heard my front door lock behind me, my hand still resting on the handle, that I realised I had forgotten my house keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 156

You deserved it 3 762

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

By Lennie Mcfish - 09/04/2020 14:00

Spicy

Today, while at a party, my extremely drunk crush came up to me and told me she had a crush on me. She then wanted to have sex with me while she drunk, but since she was under the influence I didn't. Later, when I told her about it, she say denied the fact that she likes me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 527

You deserved it 384

By Anna - 02/07/2016 21:08 - United States - Lake City

Today, I was looking at dating profiles with my single friend, trying to find a guy for her, and we found my husband's profile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 250

You deserved it 1 826

I'M ALSO HERE

By Steiner - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Troy

Today, my relatives won't acknowledge my existence unless I'm posting a picture of my cat. They only talk about the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 752

You deserved it 3 486

By Anonymous - 03/03/2017 04:00

Today, I found out why my girlfriend removed me from Facebook last week. Turns out she didn't want me to see pics of her with a new boyfriend. How I found out? My coworker, her new boyfriend, left his messenger open during lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 831

You deserved it 539

By bitchimgay - 22/07/2012 16:48 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I went to my local coffee shop. I soon witnessed the girl making my drink apparently dislodge a wedgie from her ass-crack and then sneeze into her hands. When I confronted her, she loudly accused me of "visually molesting" her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 024

You deserved it 2 323

By cold-n-stinky - 12/01/2010 06:30 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, "It's cold tonight." Previously when I used that line, my wife would respond by saying, "I know how to warm you up" and we would make love. Tonight, she said "I know how to warm you up" and farted on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 749

You deserved it 9 271

By Trey Deluna - 03/12/2010 17:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mother asked me to drill a hole in one of the studs in her ceiling. Finding it a little odd, I asked her about it. It turns out she's installing the sex swing her boyfriend bought her, and I got to help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 426

You deserved it 3 134

By Volunteer - 13/09/2013 22:24 - United States - Elwood

Today, I got fired from my volunteer job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 911

You deserved it 10 975

By JBone - 22/01/2009 07:02 - Canada

Today, I was making a smoothie. I didn't plug in the blender until after all the ingredients were inside. I pushed the 'on' button. It was still on when I went to plug it in. With no lid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 394

You deserved it 33 218

By ? - 20/02/2013 18:20 - United States - El Cajon

Today, my girlfriend of nine months made a huge scene in public, calling me a "cheating bastard" because she saw me with another woman at the library. That "other woman" is my Calculus tutor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 488

You deserved it 3 493

By StephD - 20/03/2009 03:41 - Canada

Today, driving some friends back from a party I said, "Did everyone see Lisa totally hanging off of Pat tonight?! It was hilarious!!". There was a long silence, then one of my friends said "...you know Lisa is in the car, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 161

You deserved it 103 561

Vicious bastards

By Anonymous - 25/12/2020 22:01 - United Kingdom - Runcorn

Today, I decided to go for a jog to try and get fit. I definitely got my exercise in, because I was mercilessly chased by a goose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 814

You deserved it 124

By Shep - 31/08/2018 13:00

Today, while sleeping as soundly as I could on a plastic mattress, the night shift nurse in the psych ward woke me up in the middle of the night so that I could take my sleeping pill, which was prescribed as "if needed". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 070

You deserved it 176

By Anonymous - 21/11/2010 23:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, after wondering why I've never met my father, I asked my mom if I was the product of a one night stand. She replied with, "Well, technically he didn't spend the night." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 719

You deserved it 3 667

By Nico - 12/11/2011 15:42 - France

Today, like every day since my birth, my name is Spreme. Yeah, you probably have trouble pronouncing it correctly too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 723

You deserved it 3 653

By thedullard - 16/02/2009 05:35 - United States

Today, at the gym, I see a person laying unconscious on the ground with people crowded around. Previously being a lifeguard, and knowing CPR, I ran over and asked a man what happened, preparing to check his vitals. I then realized that the body was a dummy and the employees were doing a drill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 415

You deserved it 31 161

By Anonymous - 20/01/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I woke up to my cell phone alarm buzzing. It wasn't time to wake up yet, so I snoozed it. It buzzed again, this time with "One New Voicemail." I had "snoozed" my nephew. Stationed in Iraq. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 805

You deserved it 14 088

By JillianJuneBug - 04/02/2017 00:00 - United States - Elmira

Today, I was listening to music on my phone. I activated Siri by mistake, which stopped the music. I told Siri to, "turn the damn music back on." She replied, "Now calling Afton." Afton is my ex. While trying to quickly end the call, my phone froze and the buttons stopped working. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 237

You deserved it 1 422

By happytuckerhappy - 30/12/2014 00:41 - United States - Chandler

Today, I set up a profile on a dating app, stating that I'm awkward amongst other things. Within minutes, a guy messaged me. I was thrilled, until he started threatening me because he has Aspergers, and according to him, only they are "allowed" to be awkward. I had to delete my profile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 638

You deserved it 3 128

By Anonymous - 19/11/2015 09:46 - United States - Chippewa Falls

Today, I was assigned to a group of four to brainstorm ideas for a project. One by one they listed their ideas, but when it was my turn they skipped me. They suddenly started a casual conversation with each other, oblivious of my existence, while I sat quietly between them for an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 967

You deserved it 3 933

By lovesucks - 18/12/2009 20:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that the most kisses I ever get are in text messages from my Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 939

You deserved it 4 120

By awwshit - 13/10/2009 14:13 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I told the man I've been in love with for 3 years, who also happens to be my boss, how I felt. He responds by filing sexual harassment charges against me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 715

You deserved it 34 939

Rejection

By xXitslolaXX - 04/06/2009 05:33 - United States

Today, I volunteered for a school play. During rehearsal, I was playing the part of an average housewife. The teacher asked for a volunteer to be my husband. Thirty seconds go by and no one raises their hand. The teacher ended up playing the part because no else wanted to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 993

You deserved it 2 573

Toxic masculinity

By Anonymous - 13/01/2021 09:01 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, it was one of those rare occasions I wore shorts. The first thing my male cousin said was, "Why so sexy?” Misogyny is why I don’t wear shorts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 721

You deserved it 645

By Laurel - 25/05/2013 04:37 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got to take my 10-year-old son to the junior high school at which I teach. When my students questioned him about what I was like at home, he told the entire class: "Well, she farts all the time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 799

You deserved it 9 042

By rhythmbandit - 09/10/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend bought me a beautiful pair of very expensive diamond earrings, along with a card that read, "To my beautiful brown eyed Princess." My ears aren't pierced, and my eyes are green. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 050

You deserved it 4 067

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Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:26

Seems to me that if you're posting an FML on your wedding day you have a lot bigger problems than your drunken uncle..... JMHO

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Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:08

I would have hit him with the bible

Comments

TheDarkCynder 2

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Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:07

Hah, that's embarrassing. I probably would have laughed a little though.

ThisIsMyReign 4

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Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:19

Wow, I am highly upset to what humanity has become.

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Thursday 15 March 2012 1:23

...pirates?

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Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:26

Seems to me that if you're posting an FML on your wedding day you have a lot bigger problems than your drunken uncle..... JMHO

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Wednesday 14 March 2012 20:22

loserman67, it probably happened later on in the day or maybe it happened some time ago. I mean, it is manditory to put "today" on every FML.

Jannettecooks 1

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Wednesday 14 March 2012 21:33

You beat me to it. Actually there might be a lot of "beating" in the upcoming marriage if you can't even get some on your wedding day!

False_Stupidity 41

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Wednesday 14 March 2012 21:44

Does it not occur to either of you that although the FML says 'today' it was probably written days ago and likely days after the event.

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Thursday 15 March 2012 1:26

Don't feed the trolls. It's tempting, but don't.

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Thursday 15 March 2012 2:13

All FMLs need to have "Today," written at the start of them. So this probably didn't really happen "today", but the OP needed to write that it did.

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Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:08

I would have hit him with the bible

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Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:08

Double negative! Your uncle must love his preaching.

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Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:27

Someday you're gonna look back on this and have a good laugh. But today is not that day.

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Friday 16 March 2012 4:06

stfu

everydayFML2121 5

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Friday 6 July 2012 1:36

OFWGKTA!!!

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Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:09

Sounds more Irish than British...

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Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:23

nah, Irish people don't speak like that, it sounds a lot like someone from up north or our version of a hick. Doesn't say where the uncle comes from anyhow.

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Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:30

At least the guests got a good show. I know I would have laughed the hardest at the crazy, drunk Uncle. He sounded like a leprechaun.

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Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:31

Gotta love alcohol. Atleast it wasn't your husband.

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Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:17

Someone had too much Holy Wine

mandadarling 10

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Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:17

That seems like a "shite-y" thing to do

SirSquishyPants 1

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Thursday 15 March 2012 2:51

Your comment is a shite-y waste of space, not even a good try

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 512

You deserved it 71

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 163

You deserved it 283