Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my...

By mel_bear_ - 14/3/2012 14:38 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my visibly drunk uncle stood up and denounced the minister for "preaching yer god shite where it weren't never be welcome". FML

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Love

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Whatthefuckaburger

Live dumping

By TJ AJ RJ / IV the V - 21/11/2014 06:11 - United States - San Diego

Today, my boss flipped me off in traffic on my way to work. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2013 07:06 - United States - Warren

Today, my mother and I were discussing how we couldn't believe it's been nearly a year since my dad died. Not paying attention, my husband absentmindedly added, "Time flies when you're having fun." FML

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By Kristinmarsh08 - 29/10/2010 12:02 - United States

Today, I texted my dad and told him I was getting married in five months. His reply: "I gotta work that day." FML

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By willkftw - 21/9/2018 15:30

Today, I backed a van into another car at work, damaging the tailgate in the process. I work at a panel beater. The van I was driving had just had a brand new tailgate put on. FML

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By hifhfan - 5/6/2014 11:12 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I entered my late twenties. My hair's falling out and I'm putting on weight at light speed. At least I can keep my youthful appearance with the acne I still suffer from. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2012 16:51 - United States

Today, my 12 year-old dog died. My boyfriend's attempts to comfort me involved him muttering, "At least she knows how to play dead now." FML

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By Brianna Michelle Ferrell - 21/9/2019 20:00

Mixed signals

Today, my boyfriend took me out to a fancy dinner. Halfway through, he said he wanted to break up. I started crying, but the whole restaurant thought he'd proposed, and started clapping. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2013 13:58 - United States - Wayne

Today, not only do I work as a garbage man, but I had to pick up a used, bloody tampon that someone decided to throw on the ground rather than in a garbage can. FML

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By fugly - 6/6/2015 00:44 - United States - Landenberg

Today, as I was putting stuff into the back of my car, a man walked by and said I looked "super fine." When I looked up to look him in the face, he immediately looked disgusted and basically ran away. Apparently, my face does that. FML

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By rescuetheduck - 10/4/2012 19:26 - Finland - Joensuu

Today, I was at the grocery store, waiting in line to pay. A man jumped me from behind, and my first reflex was to brutally elbow him in the face. I soon discovered my attacker was one of the patients at the disability house at which I work, and he was trying to hug me. FML

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By go choke on a gonad - 8/8/2013 13:13 - United States - Dayton

Today, my fiancé asked for money to bail his brother out of jail, the same brother who happily spent a whole day recently trying to convince my fiancé that I've been cheating on him with my own cousin. So I said no. He shook his head in disgust and said that I'm "unbelievably spiteful". FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2011 04:37 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to give his mother a box of chocolates and flowers for Mother's Day. She just stared at them and said, "What's this for? You're not my daughter, and never will be. But I'll keep the chocolate." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2019 20:00

Today, my boss came to see me because he'd heard that I was homeless. I'm not homeless, and the rumour was started by a friend of mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2016 15:29 - Australia - Hove

Today, my mum had no legitimate reason to have her daily yell at me, so she resorted to bitching me out for putting her phone on charge after it started beeping with a low battery warning. FML

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By confused_girl - 1/8/2013 05:10 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I got the sex talk from my dad. It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't said "It's not the size of the stick, it's how you use it." I'm a girl. FML

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By I hate my job - 8/6/2013 22:20 - United States

Today, at work, a customer came in and ordered a "Butterbeer Frappuccino." When I said we serve no such thing, she yelled at me for "lying" to her, saying she knew about our "secret menu." She ended up complaining to my manager and demanded that he fire me. FML

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By UnluckyReporter - 17/2/2016 06:35 - United States - Lexington

Today, I lost control of my car on a patch of ice and slid off the road, messing up my car. I was working on a news story about bad road conditions. FML

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By DeadScared - 19/9/2011 00:23 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend kindly informed me that if I ever got bitten during a zombie apocalypse, he'd love me enough to beat me to death with a tire iron. He said this because he's been having vivid dreams about it happening. I honestly don't know whether he's joking or not. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2013 16:12 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 16-year-old son broke two of his fingers playing with Play-Doh. FML

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By TheLifguard95 - 26/4/2016 23:49 - United Kingdom

Today, I thought that working as a lifeguard I would be saving lives, rescuing people and things along those lines. What do I get told to do on my first shift? Clean all the fecal matter and hair out the pool. I almost threw up. FML

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By TaintedL0v3 - 11/3/2020 12:30 - United Kingdom - London

Heavy session last night?

Today, I woke up with Chocolate Buttons superglued to my face. FML

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By PrestonW - 9/2/2011 15:53

Today, I finally got a reply to the letter to a celebrity that I had to write for my English class. It was a restraining order. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2013 23:47 - United States - Irvine

Today, my former high school bully became my manager. FML

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By oh, good - 15/9/2019 02:02 - United Kingdom - Bath

Poor Mickey

Today, my cat was looking a little peaky. After craning my neck to check for lumps under his chin, he felt this was the perfect time to throw up a half-digested mouse onto my face. FML

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By rita - 15/4/2018 19:00

Today, my 10-year-old daughter hid in her closet all day and did not come out. The reason? She didn't want to eat my pot roast. I didn't realize my cooking was that bad. FML

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By coughandcold - 27/3/2009 01:45 - United States

Today, I was feeling sick and having trouble breathing easily. I decided to take a nap and apparently ended up sleeping with my mouth wide open since breathing was an issue. I woke up to my boyfriend trying to put his penis in my mouth. FML

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By A - 9/2/2012 06:37 - United States

Today, after I spent nearly three hours building an igloo, my dog decided it would be a nice to enter it and take a shit. FML

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By HotelNA614 - 1/6/2018 14:30 - United States - Mason

Today, while working at a hotel, I had a guest return his room key in my hands for once instead of throwing it on the counter. Progress, right? Except that it was covered in snot. FML

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By blotchy-girl - 15/7/2009 04:00 - New Zealand

Today, my sister thought it would be funny to spray my face with my new tanning spray, which is only supposed to be used on arms and legs. I woke up and looked in the mirror to see an orange blotchy face staring back at me. My parents can't look at me without laughing. FML

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By GiantsFan13 - 23/7/2013 14:49 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, I went to the Giants game. During the seventh inning stretch they showed me on the jumbo-tron. It was just in time for the entire stadium to see me pull a tampon out of my purse. FML

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By millie219 - 13/8/2012 15:20 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, my mother screamed at my boyfriend, calling him an "evil piece of self-centred trash". He's a sweet guy who does volunteer work for kids with learning difficulties. She's a bitter, passive-aggressive telemarketer who constantly harasses her own family with sales calls. FML

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By DontGetSlapped - 18/2/2013 00:24 - United States - Conway

Today, my mom called me a "heartless bitch" for eating the last Hot Pocket. This is coming from a woman who, just last week, faked having cancer to get out of a speeding ticket. FML

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By pissed off mother - 5/5/2016 17:55 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I was out shopping with my son and unbeknownst to me, he had secretly added a bunch of expensive games he wanted to the trolley. I was too embarrassed at the till to make a fuss as there was a huge line behind me. I watched as my normal £50 shopping bill climbed to over £400. FML

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By rayraydayday - 21/3/2015 04:25 - United States - Englewood

Today, I was wearing a new tank top that was really cute. I later was talking to an attractive guy and thought he was giggling at me because he thought I was being cute and funny. I then realized he was giggling at the fact that I only shaved one armpit. FML

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By Burst a Valve - 26/2/2017 18:00 - Australia

#humblebrag

Today, I learned there is such a thing as "too much sex". After a full week of having sex at least twice a day with my girlfriend, I had to go to the GP due to a painful erection and swelling. The constant sex had caused me to burst a blood vessel in my penis. FML

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By mandygeegoesnom - 29/2/2012 05:30 - United States

Today, while waiting for my boyfriend to get out of the shower, I chatted with his grandma. As soon as we hear him exit the restroom, she smirks at me and lets a huge, smelly fart out. She blamed it on me. My boyfriend believed her. FML

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By What does this button do? - 17/2/2017 10:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my new apprentice took, "What does this button do?" to a new level when he pushed an emergency, "Stop all" button, causing my firm to miss multiple deadlines, causing massive losses In profits. FML

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By maced face - 5/2/2013 17:45 - United States

Today, as I was walking to my car, I noticed a car with a tail light out. Trying to be a good citizen, I walked up to the driver's side door and said "excuse me". The lady then maced me through the open window. FML

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By :| - 12/9/2013 22:27 - Sweden - V?llingby

Today, I realized that what I thought for years was my country's National Anthem, is actually the theme song of a TV show. FML

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By facepalm - 27/2/2009 08:39 - Singapore

Today, I was having phone sex with my boyfriend. About halfway through he went really quiet and started breathing heavily. I thought he was about to climax until I discovered he had fallen asleep. FML

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Top comments

By loserman67 | 35

#4164370 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:26

Seems to me that if you're posting an FML on your wedding day you have a lot bigger problems than your drunken uncle..... JMHO

By astralvagan | 20

#4164373 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:08

I would have hit him with the bible

Comments

By TheDarkCynder | 2

#4164367 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:07

Hah, that's embarrassing. I probably would have laughed a little though.

ThisIsMyReign | 4

#4164495 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:19

Wow, I am highly upset to what humanity has become.

RaggleFrock | 13

#4166761 - Thursday 15 March 2012 1:23

...pirates?

By loserman67 | 35

#4164370 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:26

Seems to me that if you're posting an FML on your wedding day you have a lot bigger problems than your drunken uncle..... JMHO

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#4164673 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 20:22

loserman67, it probably happened later on in the day or maybe it happened some time ago. I mean, it is manditory to put "today" on every FML.

Jannettecooks | 0

#4165516 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 21:33

You beat me to it. Actually there might be a lot of "beating" in the upcoming marriage if you can't even get some on your wedding day!

False_Stupidity | 41

#4165571 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 21:44

Does it not occur to either of you that although the FML says 'today' it was probably written days ago and likely days after the event.

RaggleFrock | 13

#4166778 - Thursday 15 March 2012 1:26

Don't feed the trolls. It's tempting, but don't.

Ameel_fml | 19

#4167002 - Thursday 15 March 2012 2:13

All FMLs need to have "Today," written at the start of them. So this probably didn't really happen "today", but the OP needed to write that it did.

By astralvagan | 20

#4164373 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:08

I would have hit him with the bible

By Sielune | 8

#4164377 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:08

Double negative! Your uncle must love his preaching.

By immaMonsta | 8

#4164382 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:27

Someday you're gonna look back on this and have a good laugh. But today is not that day.

futtgoredo | 0

#4171915 - Friday 16 March 2012 4:06

stfu

everydayFML2121 | 5

#4655145 - Friday 6 July 2012 1:36

OFWGKTA!!!

By glutgyoogle | 6

#4164384 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:09

Sounds more Irish than British...

bendystraw5 | 0

#4164438 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 19:23

nah, Irish people don't speak like that, it sounds a lot like someone from up north or our version of a hick. Doesn't say where the uncle comes from anyhow.