Miscellaneous: Today, it was my birthday. My grandma gave me a hug and a check... - FML

By suckmeoff - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My grandma gave me a hug and a check after wishing me a happy birthday and walked away giggling. I was excited because it was the only gift I had gotten all day. Ten minutes later, I realized that it was actually just my tax refund. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

The smell detective is on the case

True hero

By Abandoned - United States

Today, our family went out to a restaurant at night. My cousin and I needed to go to the restroom, so we told everyone before going. Less than three minutes later, we came out to find them gone, along with the cars. They forgot about their own kids. FML

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By gwengas - France - Saint-ouen-des-alleux

Today, while out with my boyfriend, I gave a beggar some cash, who then smiled at me and said to my boyfriend, "You have a beautiful little lady, take good care of her." Flattered, I hoped my boyfriend would agree with the compliment. He turned and said, "Hear that? He said you were little." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I am starting a new job. Only problem is, I haven't been told what my duties are, who my line manager is or who to ask if I need help. FML

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By jigglypluff - United States - Omaha

Today, my wife and I decided to try out role playing. She ended up having an anxiety attack when I said she wasn't turning in her homework. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Oakville

Today, while driving home, some idiot kept tailgating me, so I slowed down, hoping he'd overtake me. He didn't, so I pulled to the side of the road. He did the same, in front of me. He kept toying with me until I crashed into another car trying to speed away from him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ypsilanti

Today, I bought professional hair clippers to shave down below, thinking it would be safer than using a razor. Let's just say the bathroom now looks like a murder scene, and it's going to be a while before I have sex again. FML

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By - France

Today, my two favorite things in the world are Pizza and Beer... I now discover I have Celiac and can't have either. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Warren

Today, my mother and I were discussing how we couldn't believe it's been nearly a year since my dad died. Not paying attention, my husband absentmindedly added, "Time flies when you're having fun." FML

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By derped-out sperm - Ireland

Today, I had to rush my 14-year-old son to the hospital after he fell out of a tree while trying to take an obnoxious "extreme selfie". FML

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By jaeilssanguh - United States

It never rains, it pours

Today, I was walking in rain. I had my hands in my pants pockets, so that the front of the jacket was pointing down. Halfway to Taco Bell, my crotch felt exceptionally wet. I looked down to see a wet spot. The rain on my jacket was channeled to my crotch. FML

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By chuchundra - United States

Today, I got back from a two-week vacation. During my vacation, I had a friend from work watch my puppy. My puppy now likes him more than me, and won't stop whining sadly since he left. FML

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By queenofdeath - Israel

Today, I wanted to remove my mustache hair with hot wax. The hair is still there, but my skin is all burnt dark brown. Tomorrow is my first day at school. FML

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By John S. - 25/4/2021 16:59

Seize the day

Today, I finally decided to try to get a date with the girl I like at work. While I was looking for her around the office, her supervisor approached me. She's in the hospital due to Covid-19. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss told me I was fired 3 weeks ago because there was no money to pay me, meaning that I worked the last three weeks for free. FML

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By Dope - United States

Today, I tried to sell 2,000 options contracts, but I bought them instead, resulting in a big loss. FML

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By Anonymous

A rock and a hard place

Today, I got back from a camping trip after being homesick for 3 weeks. I couldn't remember why I had wanted to be away from my family for so long when I signed up for it. When I got home, I remembered. Everyone in my family hates each other. I want to go back to the camping site. FML

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By Albert - United States

Today, I finally found the perfect quote to open my college essay. Then I found out that the author was one of the founders of the KKK. FML

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By newlydumped - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house for the first time. I had to use the restroom, and when I came back, I mocked her brothers' lame Pokémon shower curtain and Ninja Turtle towels. Turns out they were hers. FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, while arriving to a date for the first time in a couple years, the first thing out of his mouth was, "I'm only dressed up because I had court today." FML

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By bleachingmykidsbrains - Canada - Montr?al

Today, my mother-in-law started chasing my kids around her house to make them smell her freshly-washed underwear. They were thongs. FML

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By grrrrrr - United States

Today, I grounded my daughter for putting play doh in the toaster. She's 17 and got into Columbia early admissions. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was home on leave and having breakfast with my parents and my younger brothers. I guess I got too used to the rougher language around the Army barracks where I'm stationed. At the breakfast table I asked my Mom to "pass me the f***ing butter". FML

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By HAIL SITHIS - United States

Today, I was on a date, and I tried breaking the ice by telling him my best joke. He laughed hysterically for a good 10 seconds, started beating the table with his fist, then suddenly went deadpan and said "No, seriously, you're a moron. Screw this date." FML

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By unlucky_vee_13 - United States

Today, I was talking to my 81-year-old widowed grandmother on the phone, and she told me she was giving up sex for lent. Not only do I now have a vision of my grandma having sex, I am reminded that she is having more sex than me. FML

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By Anonyme - France - G?anges

Today, our 8-month-old son had a big cold and his nose was blocked. I couldn't find the baby nose pump in it's usual place, so I went to ask my husband. He had it in his hand, and was using to decorate the cake that was going to be served to tonight's guests, my parents. FML

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By some friend - 4/3/2021 15:30 - United States

Friend's best friend

Today, my "best friend" of over 15 years has decided to cut me out of her life. She asked me to loan her $7k to get a surgery for her 14 year-old dog. When I told her it would be far crueler to prolong the poor thing’s life, she called me a heartless bitch and refuses to ever speak to me again. FML

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By probably single - Denmark - Gram

Today, my girlfriend bought two tickets for a cruise to the Bahamas. Too bad the second ticket isn't for me. I guess her ex-boyfriend will have a wonderful time with her. FML

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By ocroyalty - United States

Today, I was trying to get my car out of my boyfriend's apartment garage but couldn't. Why? Because somebody decided to park in front if the garage door and have sex. Complete with steamed windows and loud noises. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Inverness

Today, after months of helping my mother with bills because she claimed she had no money, I found out she makes way more than what I do. She just wanted my money for alcohol and drugs. FML

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By qhu - United States

Today, I was disciplining one of my students for behavior, and he started to roll his eyes every time I was trying to teach the lesson. So I threatened to write him up. After looking closely at the student, I realized he has a lazy roaming eye. FML

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By RoseTylerTheDoctor - United States - Boise

Today, I told my crush how I feel about him. It's been over 12 hours and he still says he's thinking about it. I asked him about it ; he says he's thinking of how to reject me. FML

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By missingno007 - United States - Clarkesville

Today, my first day of college, the textbooks I ordered a month in advance still haven't arrived. My first class of the semester is College Readiness. FML

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By knock_out - United States

Today, my girlfriend won't have sex with me. Why? Because my mii knocked out her mii in Wii boxing. It wouldn't be as bad if she wasn't in one player mode. FML

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By smokeysarah94 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my boss and I had to come up with a code to call if a person acts inappropriately towards me because I "attract too many weirdos." FML

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By embarrassed - United States

Today, I went to my doctor to get the morning after pill. I explained to her that the condom broke and I was nervous. She simply asked me "when" so I replied "...towards the end". I didn't realize she was really asking what day this happened. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Petaluma

Today, I'm a 34 year old male who just got given the sex talk on my Facebook timeline by my senile mother. 5ML

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By Casino - United States

Today, I bitched out my grandmother, who lives with my family, for being lazy and laying in bed until 6-7pm for the past month. When I was done, she told me she had been diagnosed with cancer and was depressed because of it. Nobody had bothered to tell me. FML

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By Anonyme - China - Shanghai

Today, I'm doing an architecture course in China. My boss asked me to create a lamp shaped like a shrimp. FML

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By tardspawn - United Kingdom - Horsham

Today, my morbidly obese mother gave me an angry lecture at dinner, saying without any trace of irony that my vegetarian diet is "unhealthy and utterly unacceptable". FML

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By

The girl?

Today, my mate was bragging about the nudes he was getting from this random girl, he proceeded to show me... It was my cousin. FML

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Top comments

By katie_lady | 0

#104919 - Sunday 12 April 2009 18:04

...On the bright side, it was still more money than you had the day before.

By Scorponok | 0

#122138 - Saturday 18 April 2009 16:23

Haha. Your grandma hates you.

COMMENTS

By LethalErrorX | 0

#104881 - Sunday 12 April 2009 17:49

FIRST!!

haha, that sucks though, sorry

By Iron_Chef | 0

#104899 - Sunday 12 April 2009 17:57

Damn lol

By katie_lady | 0

#104919 - Sunday 12 April 2009 18:04

...On the bright side, it was still more money than you had the day before.

By WizKid | 0

#104921 - Sunday 12 April 2009 18:04

Oh, my goodness. Some birthday. )=

By LethalErrorX | 0

#104936 - Sunday 12 April 2009 18:11

Getting your hopes up is the worst part

By Nefaith | 0

#104937 - Sunday 12 April 2009 18:11

Sucks for you for having a cheap grandma.

Reply

unicorns123 | 0

#2938060 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 16:03

sucks for them not having and friends to give them a present either

By Kitten125 | 0

#104941 - Sunday 12 April 2009 18:12

well she did remember and you did get money soooo to me it sounds like things are all good ;3

By ammali | 0

#104949 - Sunday 12 April 2009 18:15

Yuck, I'd rather get no gift at all than somebody being like that. Sorry =/

By the_question_mar | 0

#104961 - Sunday 12 April 2009 18:21

What's a tax refund?

By qwertyuiop8989 | 0

#104968 - Sunday 12 April 2009 18:26

You should put her dentures in a box and wrap it nice and pretty and give it to her for her bday. If she lives to see her next bday that is.