Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML
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Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, It was my birthday and my friends came to celebrate it. My parents thought it would be funny to give me a vibrator in front of everybody. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My wife took me to my favorite restaurant for dinner. She made me pay for my birthday dinner, along with hers. She also got me a gift card to HER favorite store. FML
Today, it's was my birthday. My wife did not get me anything or do anything for me. Instead, she said, "I'll knock an extra day off your sex ban." Sadly, this is probably the nicest thing she's done for my birthday in several years. FML
Today, my mother found my sex toys. To make me "feel better" she showed me hers. FML
Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML
Today, my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said sex. She told me to grow up and ask for something more realistic. FML
Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML
Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML
Today, my mother opened her birthday gift in front of my entire family. Two days ago, I ordered an essential oil diffuser and flesh light from Amazon. Guess which one she got? FML
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Top comments
AndelleRae 9
Self-masturbation? Is there any other kind? Lol. I'm sorry. I'm not usually a grammar Nazi on these websites, but I felt like being a smart ass. Maybe she got it for you to spice things up in your sex life? She might like the idea of you using it. I don't know. I don't really think this is an FML, but I'm sorry that you were unhappy with it.
Eresbel 0
This isn't an FML, this is just an idiot who doesn't realize what a nice wife he has. She doesn't have to have sex with you whenever you want, but she still wants you to be happy and satisfied, so she buys you an aid to help you out whenever she can't. That's thoughtful and kind. F your wife's life because she's got such a prick for a husband.
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Comments (147)
tayliarae 0
doesn't sound like much of a fml to me. Sounds like a fun gift.. and boo to those that think it must mean she isnt' into you. If she wasn't, she probably wouldn't care enough to get you a replacement. Sounds like fun!
Eresbel 0
This isn't an FML, this is just an idiot who doesn't realize what a nice wife he has. She doesn't have to have sex with you whenever you want, but she still wants you to be happy and satisfied, so she buys you an aid to help you out whenever she can't. That's thoughtful and kind. F your wife's life because she's got such a prick for a husband.
HamsteronA 0
Today, I gave my husband a sex toy to try and spice things up. he took it the wring way and went and sulked on the Internet for a couple if hours. FML
hahaha6 0
#6 = Exactly what i would say.
cherrystarkiss 0
man i didnt know they had those for guys.. you should just tell your wife you'd rather make love to her instead :)
cturtle 2
Just a little info for ya. You can't ********** someone else. That's called a hand job. ; ) You wouldn't write an auto-biography about someone else, would you?
fuck_YOUR_lives 0
self-masturbation is an oxymoron
Shoot_A_Glock 6
No its not its a redundancy
KwitIt 0
#6 and #15 beat me to it :P
shamille 5
did she think you didn't know how to do that? lol. #16 do you mean to say that it's redundant?
andycaliboy 0
make a nice candlelit dinner and have her walk in on you eating with the toy, and ask her if she could leave you two alone. problem solved. jealousy is the best solution.
survivalism 0
I love how you have absolutely no concept of what the word "masturbation" means. I probably wouldn't have sex with you, either.