Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, It was my birthday and my friends came to celebrate it. My parents thought it would be funny to give me a vibrator in front of everybody. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My wife took me to my favorite restaurant for dinner. She made me pay for my birthday dinner, along with hers. She also got me a gift card to HER favorite store. FML
Today, it's was my birthday. My wife did not get me anything or do anything for me. Instead, she said, "I'll knock an extra day off your sex ban." Sadly, this is probably the nicest thing she's done for my birthday in several years. FML
Today, my mother found my sex toys. To make me "feel better" she showed me hers. FML
Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML
Today, my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said sex. She told me to grow up and ask for something more realistic. FML
Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML
Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML
Today, my mother opened her birthday gift in front of my entire family. Two days ago, I ordered an essential oil diffuser and flesh light from Amazon. Guess which one she got? FML
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Top comments
AndelleRae 9
Self-masturbation? Is there any other kind? Lol. I'm sorry. I'm not usually a grammar Nazi on these websites, but I felt like being a smart ass. Maybe she got it for you to spice things up in your sex life? She might like the idea of you using it. I don't know. I don't really think this is an FML, but I'm sorry that you were unhappy with it.
Eresbel 0
This isn't an FML, this is just an idiot who doesn't realize what a nice wife he has. She doesn't have to have sex with you whenever you want, but she still wants you to be happy and satisfied, so she buys you an aid to help you out whenever she can't. That's thoughtful and kind. F your wife's life because she's got such a prick for a husband.
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Comments (147)
satanstoystore 0
wth?! if they had a healthy sex life it wouldnt be a shock to him. and she would have used it on/with him instead of showing him how to use it- implying she wont be there. if this happened to a woman she would wonder why he doesnt want her box and what is he doing with his thingy, if he isnt doing her...OP, get a grip on this before you have a lifeless, loveless marriage. i would tell her not to worry, you can manage it (DO NOT Say "alone").
spillproof 0
Do you not like to **********? Otherwise, please explain why you think your life is ******.
NoMercy_fml 0
Procrastination is like masturbation. It's fun for awhile but then you realize your ******* yourself.
Monado 0
There apparently is, #6. If his wife shows him how to do so
Phoenixman13 0
#56 best quote of the day
sbarre1 0
That's a pretty good gift, I think. Everyone likes their alone time.
Jethro_fml 0
Hope you ain't lying 'bout it being your birthday- 'tis mine as well. Jet
lich_fml 0
...self masturbation? er.
EOD_Elmo 0
This is in no way a FML. What a great and thoughtful gift.
pwnrzero 0
rofl #30 p.s. i just accidently clicked report abuse on #62 i hope my account isnt deleted!