Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, It was my birthday and my friends came to celebrate it. My parents thought it would be funny to give me a vibrator in front of everybody. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My wife took me to my favorite restaurant for dinner. She made me pay for my birthday dinner, along with hers. She also got me a gift card to HER favorite store. FML
Today, it's was my birthday. My wife did not get me anything or do anything for me. Instead, she said, "I'll knock an extra day off your sex ban." Sadly, this is probably the nicest thing she's done for my birthday in several years. FML
Today, my mother found my sex toys. To make me "feel better" she showed me hers. FML
Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML
Today, my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said sex. She told me to grow up and ask for something more realistic. FML
Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML
Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML
Today, my mother opened her birthday gift in front of my entire family. Two days ago, I ordered an essential oil diffuser and flesh light from Amazon. Guess which one she got? FML
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Top comments
AndelleRae 9
Self-masturbation? Is there any other kind? Lol. I'm sorry. I'm not usually a grammar Nazi on these websites, but I felt like being a smart ass. Maybe she got it for you to spice things up in your sex life? She might like the idea of you using it. I don't know. I don't really think this is an FML, but I'm sorry that you were unhappy with it.
Eresbel 0
This isn't an FML, this is just an idiot who doesn't realize what a nice wife he has. She doesn't have to have sex with you whenever you want, but she still wants you to be happy and satisfied, so she buys you an aid to help you out whenever she can't. That's thoughtful and kind. F your wife's life because she's got such a prick for a husband.
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Comments (147)
Invioletlight 0
Take the hint.
miso1337 0
#20 made my day...
SweetestSin 4
Your wife sucks, last year my husband got woken up to a BJ, I would refuse to buy him a toy to ********** with he wouldn't use it anyways. Did she at least say it was a joke and then give you the real deal? FYL for sure!
vag_fml 0
and this is an fml why? because you are so lame that you couldn't figure the thing out on your own?
peopleplz2008 0
LMFAO #20
ktwk007 0
Your wife shows you how to work a sex toy...doesn't say much for what she thinks of your skills (or intelligence for that matter). And if she got you a fleshlight be grateful - it's the #1 selling sex toy for men - and apparently they're awesome.
DJ0ker 0
I didnt know there is sex toy for men. And I dont think your life is fcked either
burritoful 0
if i did this for my fiance, he would probably ask me to marry him all over again
rachelbrianna25 0
better than nothing?
dizzy_dizzy 0
LMAO at #20.