Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, It was my birthday and my friends came to celebrate it. My parents thought it would be funny to give me a vibrator in front of everybody. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My wife took me to my favorite restaurant for dinner. She made me pay for my birthday dinner, along with hers. She also got me a gift card to HER favorite store. FML
Today, it's was my birthday. My wife did not get me anything or do anything for me. Instead, she said, "I'll knock an extra day off your sex ban." Sadly, this is probably the nicest thing she's done for my birthday in several years. FML
Today, my mother found my sex toys. To make me "feel better" she showed me hers. FML
Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML
Today, my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said sex. She told me to grow up and ask for something more realistic. FML
Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML
Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML
Today, my mother opened her birthday gift in front of my entire family. Two days ago, I ordered an essential oil diffuser and flesh light from Amazon. Guess which one she got? FML
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Top comments
AndelleRae 9
Self-masturbation? Is there any other kind? Lol. I'm sorry. I'm not usually a grammar Nazi on these websites, but I felt like being a smart ass. Maybe she got it for you to spice things up in your sex life? She might like the idea of you using it. I don't know. I don't really think this is an FML, but I'm sorry that you were unhappy with it.
Eresbel 0
This isn't an FML, this is just an idiot who doesn't realize what a nice wife he has. She doesn't have to have sex with you whenever you want, but she still wants you to be happy and satisfied, so she buys you an aid to help you out whenever she can't. That's thoughtful and kind. F your wife's life because she's got such a prick for a husband.
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Comments (147)
Parasomnia 0
I wanted so much to say "Your life is ******" on the site. But I couldn't bring myself to. No matter how much this situation sucks, the truth is, your life isn't ******. And certainly won't be by your wife for a long, long time.
Ughsucks 0
#27 First thing I thought was his wife is cheating on him, he's incredibly overweight, or he just outright sucks. I don't see how a fleshlight is a proper present for a guy. I'd never buy my wife some sex toy for a gift, how emasculated would you have to feel to hand your job over to a piece of plastic.
blowyourspeakers 0
aaarh, come on - that's kinda sweet! some women consider masturbation adultery. be happy, dude.
treli1593 0
How did she show you how to use it? Depending on the answer...that's hot as ****
Ocilator 0
gotta love #21! I think that would be a hilarious situation. Who knows it might actually work lol
johnnyub40 0
You should cheat on her with the babysitter.
Ocilator 0
#38...how would that solve anything?
Ughsucks 0
#39... depending on how attractive the babysitter was, it could solve quite a bit.
Books4Me 0
To #34- I've gotten vibrators as presents from boyfriends before and believe me, they are some of my favorite gifts! And they have certainly not ruined my sex life with my guy at the time. Sometimes you just get the urge and your SO can't be there! Mine lives 3 states away. I'd say you have problems with your masculinity if that's how you feel about giving a vibrator as a gift. F your poor wife's life!
alayna100 0
i don't see how adding a toy for a guy can spice things up...