Miscellaneous: Today, in math, I was working on an assignment and this really... - FML

By GeneralElement - United States

Today, in math, I was working on an assignment and this really cute girl comes over and says my name. At this point, my heart is pumping with excitement and I'm thinking she is going to ask for my number. She said, "Did you know someone drew a penis on your back?" FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

There's no helping some people

Family values

By Anonymous - United States - Muncy

Today, while I was making dinner, my husband argued that our new dog has intelligence issues, and we should give him away. I angrily defended the poor thing, and had almost won, until the dog walked over and licked the inside of the hot oven door. FML

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By greaaaatt. - United States

Today, I found out that I get to spend the next two weeks at my grandparents house, which smells like cat litter, while the rest of my family takes a cruise through the Carribean. They can't afford to take a ninth person. FML

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By Dana

Today, I told my son if he wanted the new internet password he had to clean his room. I then caught him disconnecting my laptop from the internet. Turns out he changed the password months ago and now if I want the new password he wants £50. I ended up paying. I'm actually proud of the sneaky sod. FML

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By jmrz - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I went to the store for a warranty claim on my prescription glasses due to little spots that had appeared on the lenses, covering both. It took 2 seconds for the employee to determine that it was hairspray. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Observation

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Right as I was really getting into it, he pauses, frowns, and says, "I think I see the pee hole." FML

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By panos016 - United Kingdom

Today, after 14 rice-filled days in China, I came back home. What's for lunch? Rice. FML

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By Jason the flasher

Today, I went to a party that my friends were throwing. I had a great time and got blackout drunk. I woke up to videos from my girlfriend from last night. At some point I'd managed to take off my shorts and boxers and spent the rest of the party naked from the waist down. FML

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By minimum wage - Canada

Today, I walked in on a homeless guy peeing on a turd on the floor of the women's restroom at the park. I'm a janitor for the city. FML

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By why... - United States - East Orange

Today, my husband went nuts. He's quit his job and set out building an amateur bomb shelter in our backyard. According to him, there's "substantial evidence" that cannibalism is on the rise across the country, and that "it's gonna be like Resident Evil out there, babe." FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my teacher told me that she couldn't find my hand-written essay on the Renaissance, and that I have to re-do it all by tomorrow. I later saw my essay on her desk, covered in a massive coffee stain that made virtually everything unreadable. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I saw a picture of me from a night of drinking that surprisingly looked really really good. I showed my boyfriend and he agreed with me. Then he added, "What's funny is it looks nothing like you!" FML

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By Nicholas Laughton

Today, I saw the girl I've been crushing hard on. I go up to talk to her, and I'm immediately greeted by, "I like girls." FML

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By jcedarholm - United States - San Marcos

Today, at work, I was talking to a Scottish woman when my coworker and I both told her we were also Scottish. To this she replied, "We Scottish people get around." I then said, "Tell me about it, I'm one of four siblings from my dad, he definitely gets around." She was talking about travel. FML

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By Brittany - United States

Today, a guy professed his love for me in front of my friends. The guy is my first cousin. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I thought I would treat myself to a shave and a haircut at a proper barber, instead of just a haircut at Supercuts. After many "Oops", "Sorry", even an "Oh dear", I left with no hair cut, and blood streaming from multiple slices in my face from the shave. I think one might need stitches. FML

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By redisnotmycolor - United States

Today, while putting on makeup, I got a face full of bloody scratches instead of an even skin tone. Turns out my makeup sponge was full of bits of glass. My little brother forgot to tell me he shattered a mirror beside my makeup box. FML

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By serenti - Sweden

Today, my boyfriend told me that the only reason he likes me is because I let him watch porn without throwing a fuss. FML

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By claudio117 - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, during an Easter egg hunt, I found divorce papers. FML

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By wellalrightythen - United States - Hobart

Today, I boarded a plane. A woman decided that she didn't like where she put her carry on luggage and pulled it out from over my head. The heavy luggage then fell right into my face, the wheel smacking me in the mouth busting my lip open. She just laughed and waltzed away without a word. FML

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By Theresa - 10/10/2020 17:01

Man's best friend

Today, at my daughter's soccer game, my nephew's dog helped herself to the Snowball I was eating, leaving fur on the side she didn't lick and left it unsalvageable. She peed on the blanket I was sitting on, tried to bite another kid, and went on to pop my kid's soccer ball that she'd used twice since I purchased it. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was walking down the street when I passed a construction site. All of the workers started making a fuss and whistling, etc. Naturally, I got very flustered. I stood still for a second and faced them. One yelled for me to move because I was in the way of a girl at a stop light. FML

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By Dying Whale

Today, I tried singing in front of my friend. She said, "That's a hilarious voice! You should use that voice when telling jokes!" FML

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By wounded pride, intact cock - United States

Today, my wife wanted me to take her to a new restaurant in town. When I looked it up and saw their prices, I almost had a heart attack. When I said it was too expensive, she snapped "Maybe you'd like to look up 'Lorena Bobbitt' next?!" We went to the restaurant. FML

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By branded - United States

Today, I found out the tattoo signifying my marriage turned out to be more permanent than the marriage itself. FML

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By DreeStahr - United States - Liberty

Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML

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By thebravelittletoaster - United Kingdom

Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while I was making breakfast. The toast, toaster, and my wooden bench are now little more than collateral damage. FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, when walking to my car I was mugged. Not only did they take my phone, wallet and watch, the extra few minutes taken in my journey meant that when I got to my car, I was given a parking ticket. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found a ring box in the pocket of my boyfriend's pants while doing laundry. I eagerly walked up to him knowing that it was an engagement ring, hoping that he would propose on the spot. He tossed it back to me and said, "Well you found it, I don't actually have to ask now, right?" FML

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By kidneystoner - United States

Today, I passed my kidney stone. After thirteen hours of pain free joy, another one appeared. FML

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By SimpleSwimmer - United States

Today, I applied for a job as a dishwasher. I was denied because I don't have enough experience. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it was a good idea to go number two while smoking a "cigarette". My ash tray was over by the sink so I decided to just ash in the toilet. While ashing between my legs, I sneezed and now I have a extremely uncomfortable burn on my man member. Smoking is bad. FML

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By scardeycat13 - United States

Today, I went snowboarding for the first time. I was so scared I passed out. I was only on the kiddy hill. FML

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By I fathered a pussy. - United States - Lakeland

Today, my son visited for the first time in three years, asking to stay a while. It turns out he insulted someone online and gave his address in case they wanted to fight him. They accepted the offer, and so my son's imaginary Muay Thai skills went AWOL, along with his testicles. FML

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By wtf did i do?? - Canada - Thornhill

Today, trying to be sweet, I told my girlfriend that I'm so happy we met one another. She muttered, "Well, that makes one of us." FML

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By Mandy - United States - Tampa

Today, I got in trouble for going to work sick. Yesterday, I got in trouble for not going to work while sick. FML

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By MrDanito - Czech Republic - Lysa Nad Labem

Today, I never thought I would see a blowjob from the perspective of the viewer, but it happened, in our open-space office. FML

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By Sodge - Australia

Today, I was impressing dinner guests by spinning my new baby in the air (something she loves), when she projectile vomited over the dinner table and the guests. My wife, who had spent three hours cooking was not impressed. Once of the guests was also a sympathy spewer. FML

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By Rebecca - United States - Austin

Today, my colleague yet again misused the word "literally." It's driving me insane. I have to work opposite him and hear him say things like he's just "literally shit himself inside out." FML

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By LonelyBoy - Australia

Today, I was going through the history on my computer. Apparently, while I was at school my mother used my computer, and I now know my mother wants to learn how to make her breasts look larger, amongst other things. FML

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By Aled - United Kingdom

Today, I found my mom eating cat biscuits. We don't have a cat. FML

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Top comments

By gr8sexpectations | 0

#872365 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:06

i hate how everyone on this site thinks that a cute girl or hot guy talks to them because their gonna get laid, only to find out that their life is fucked

By perdix | 29

#872519 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:53

The winning comeback: Well, maybe you'd like to draw a back on my penis?

COMMENTS

By gr8sexpectations | 0

#872365 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:06

i hate how everyone on this site thinks that a cute girl or hot guy talks to them because their gonna get laid, only to find out that their life is fucked

Reply

silentfog | 0

#872448 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:25

agreed

Reply

theian01 | 3

#872613 - Friday 19 February 2010 17:34

Well put yourself in their perspective. Your lonely, not good with the opposite sex, and need some love. Well I assume that since no one can really turn anything into a joke with the other person to try to start something...

Reply

ey3seecold | 0

#872675 - Friday 19 February 2010 17:53

u shoulda asked her if she ever had one behind her and maybe she woulda took ur number the wh0le 7 digits from behind!!

Reply

sam411411 | 0

#872859 - Friday 19 February 2010 19:15

Today, I was going to ask the guy I like for his number. I walked by him, and noticed there was a penis on his back. Nevermind to my question. FML

Reply

JustStopSucking | 0

#872934 - Friday 19 February 2010 19:59

maybe the guy who drew the penis will be "pumping you with excitement" later

Reply

FUDGELOVESME | 0

#873589 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:47

that's so true

Reply

ButtNekked | 0

#874660 - Saturday 20 February 2010 6:52

AHAHAHAHA 38

Reply

TrueWord | 0

#1317131 - Sunday 29 August 2010 14:16

lmao at #38.. win win win..

Reply

DRock525 | 0

#2560992 - Wednesday 25 May 2011 7:21

sex related advice coming from the dude with a lizard in his face????

By Marino01 | 0

#872412 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:14

well, all in a day.

By Domonator | 16

#872414 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:14

The OP said, "back", not, "shirt", so maybe it's a tatoo.

Reply

reyemrein | 0

#872599 - Friday 19 February 2010 17:28

how could someone have given him a tattoo without him knowing? besides the girl said "drew".

Reply

Domonator | 16

#872792 - Friday 19 February 2010 18:43

True, and I misspelled "tattoo" too :(

By GeneralElement | 0

#872418 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:15

Well, I was thinking that same thing. Just, I think I was sleeping in a class at one point. So that may be when they drew it. :|

By KurouTenshi | 0

#872462 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:30

this is like the time princess Zelds came up to me, and I thought I was gonna get laid, but then I had to go save Hyrule D:

Reply

ColdGold | 6

#872495 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:45

Just exactly.

Reply

doughedambrose | 0

#1984927 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 11:19

COOL POINTS

By demoon_fml | 7

#872474 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:35

lol. Good one.

By perdix | 29

#872519 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:53

The winning comeback: Well, maybe you'd like to draw a back on my penis?

Reply

#872590 - Friday 19 February 2010 17:25

LMAO, good one XD !

Reply

Gaz717 | 0

#873990 - Saturday 20 February 2010 1:50

at this point I'm just scrolling through the comments on each FML to look for perdix's comment

By mfmylifesrsly | 29

#872649 - Friday 19 February 2010 17:44

is this OP?

By Solisa149448 | 0

#872739 - Friday 19 February 2010 18:17

What a nerd. How can you get sooo nervous around someone? Just chill out.

By padlarf | 14

#872753 - Friday 19 February 2010 18:25

No, their names just happen to be excactly the same.