Work: Today, I was looking over the schedule for errors and circled... - FML

By dumblond - 14/08/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I was looking over the schedule for errors and circled a group of mistakes before handing it to my manager. When she handed it back to me, she gave me a weird look and I immediately noticed that the group of numbers I had circled formed a giant penis shape on the paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 261

You deserved it 6 429

Compromises

Living my best life

Better off out

By kellyem2 - 03/03/2016 18:21

Today, I found out that when my boss said she was considering bumping me up to full time, she actually meant she was planning on letting me go. Everyone in the office except me knew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 695

You deserved it 1 339

By paprikarulz - 01/07/2009 10:31 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I got an email from a guy to whom I sold my old phone to over eBay. Turns out I forgot to delete the nude photos of myself and my boyfriend that I had stored up. His email asked me for "any PIN numbers needed to use the phone, and oh by the way, nice tits." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 326

You deserved it 75 967

Too late

By Boyufd - 15/10/2019 02:00

Today, I bought a replacement ID after weeks looking for my old one and not finding it. When I got home, my brother said he'd found my ID. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 394

You deserved it 191

By Anonymous - 09/10/2012 05:39 - Australia - Cambridge

Today, my boyfriend had a tantrum because I didn't like Black Sabbath as much as him. Apparently our entire relationship was based on him thinking I did. I've now been labeled "The Queen of Lies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 450

You deserved it 3 238

By katshay8 - 12/10/2018 17:30

Today, I went to the doctor for allergy testing. Apparently, one of my worst allergies is cats. I'm a "crazy cat lady" who loves anything cat-related and has 3 cats. Allergy shots, here I come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 354

You deserved it 495

Skinny Love

By Anonymous - 17/04/2021 05:00

Today, my girlfriend of 5 years dumped me because she got tired of me being thinner than her and, in her own words, making her look bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 985

You deserved it 88

By fmylife117 - 17/02/2011 18:37 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend renamed all the contacts in my phone to see if I'd notice. Thanks to him, I've been sending dirty texts to my boss. The worst part is my boss was responding back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 217

You deserved it 6 116

By ScaredDad - 02/05/2019 12:00

Today, I needed to grab something from the garage. As soon as the door closed, I heard a little click sound. My one-year-old seems to have figured out the door lock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 801

You deserved it 229

By wat - 20/09/2013 05:52 - United States - Santa Ana

Today, I went to visit my overly-posh mother for the first time in many years. Upon arrival, she kicked me out because my outfit did not follow the same color-scheme as her decor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 613

You deserved it 3 260

By eddiemusicjazz - 26/05/2012 07:30 - United States - Azusa

Today, a week after I lost my wallet, replaced the majority of my ID cards, canceled my debit card, and went to the DMV and paid for a replacement driver's license, I found my wallet. It was in my shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 969

You deserved it 26 720

Today, on Asshat Bosses…

By need a job - 24/06/2021 13:02 - United States

Today, I was fired from my cashier job for "abandoning my post." I saw a man pass out in the 100° heat in front of our store and I rushed to give him water. Not to worry though, my manager assured me he wouldn’t press charges for the water I took from the fridge, but I’m still fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 498

You deserved it 73

By Stuck - 08/09/2011 10:00 - United States

Today, I heard on a TV show that it's possible to fit a standard light-bulb in your mouth, but it can't be removed afterwards. I just had to try this out. And then visit the local hospital to get it removed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 324

You deserved it 67 654

By ugh, why - 22/11/2015 05:12 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my brother jerking off to a breast cancer awareness advert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 805

You deserved it 2 974

Anxiety

By Anonymous - 26/01/2021 08:02 - Germany

Today, and for the last 5 days, I’ve been waking up between 5:30 and 6:30 a.m. Perfect time to get into work early, right? Except I’ve been unemployed for months and the one thing I’m trying to work on is my lack of sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 745

You deserved it 112

By Maddii1112 - 10/08/2016 19:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he loved me for the first time in a way I'll never forget. In fact, his exact words were, "You're not the only one that I love." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 503

You deserved it 1 088

By creys - 18/11/2012 07:04 - United States

Today, I went to Target with my dad, and he told me to get in the shopping cart. I thought he was being cool and wanted to push me around. He snorted and said he was thinking about crashing me into a car and suing the driver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 151

You deserved it 2 502

By concusion - 23/08/2010 09:03 - United States

Today, I found out the "small termite problem" the inspector told me about wasn't so small when a box from the attic fell through the floor and hit me in the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 391

You deserved it 3 256

By box bulge - 21/10/2011 01:24 - China

Today, whilst trying on a pair of jeans, I got my genitals caught in my fly. I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 944

You deserved it 9 928

By woof woof?? - 15/06/2013 20:26 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Spicy

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he discovered that if he hits a certain area just right, my leg starts shaking like a dog. Now he won't stop patting my head and saying, "Who's a good girl?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 810

You deserved it 9 977

By Kml - 14/11/2016 12:31

Today, and like every year, my godmother sent me a card asking me why I never call her, and why we don't go out on my birthday. Six years ago, she told me on my birthday I was going to hell for moving with my boyfriend and then sprayed me with perfume. He is now my husband, and she claims she forgot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 371

You deserved it 689

By 43_clothespins_later - 21/11/2013 00:12 - United States - Richmond

Today, I fell asleep at my bus stop following a long day at work. I woke up to a homeless man giggling after he had clipped dozens of clothespins to my clothes, shoes, and hair in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 607

You deserved it 7 881

By Anonymous - 02/04/2014 11:30 - Australia - Maribyrnong

Today, my students all handed in their 1,000 word papers. The assignment was for them to write about a strong, benevolent leader who influenced the world. Around half of the papers were about Hitler. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 090

You deserved it 10 544

By oopsies - 08/01/2010 01:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, after having sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, we went downstairs to find his parents had come home early and had heard everything. I then received a long scolding from his mother of how I'd disrespected her house. My boyfriend received a high-five and a thumbs-up from his dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 803

You deserved it 5 412

By kay_jay1819 - 19/11/2010 05:04 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had great sex and afterward decided to take a shower together. He left the room to get some towels, so I went to the bathroom and wait. I walked out of his room wearing nothing but a thong and ran into his mom who had come home from work early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 907

You deserved it 33 259

By HOLY SHIT, A WALKING SNOWGLOBE - 09/12/2012 21:52 - United Kingdom - Dagenham

Today, I went on a blind date. My date turned out to be very hot, and I had high hopes. That is, until she ran her hand through her hair as she approached, sending some kind of horrifying, miasmic mist of dandruff and dead skin floating through the air behind her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 395

You deserved it 7 759

By annie00016 - 27/10/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, I tried to set up my brand new washer and dryer. How hard can it be, right? After cutting my hand in 3 places on the dryer vent, I finished it off with electrocuting myself. So much for being a domestic goddess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 004

You deserved it 10 021

By Anonymous - 14/01/2011 23:07 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I came home, turned on my laptop, and turned the TV on mute so I could check my email. My mom came home an hour later, took a look at me on the couch, then the TV, and asked what on earth I was watching. I looked up from my laptop and realized it was porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 725

You deserved it 32 161

Today, on Judge Judy…

By thanks ma - 29/05/2020 02:00

Today, all of my credit cards were frozen due to fraud. The culprit? My own mother. She rationalized it by saying I "owed" her for raising me. She didn’t even raise me. My grandma did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 959

You deserved it 101

Scoville scale

By firefire - 30/07/2020 08:01

Today, since my husband has been volunteering to do more of the cooking, I was happy and relieved to have help, until every meal he made had an ungodly amount of spices in it. I overheard him on the phone, saying he’s been purposely making my food inedibly hot so that I’ll eat less and lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 885

You deserved it 277

By henhouse - 18/07/2015 11:09 - Australia - Brunswick East

Spicy

Today, I lost my virginity. The most memorable aspect of it wasn't the fact that my boyfriend finished after two thrusts, but rather the fact that he first said, "The pilot has entered the cockpit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 967

You deserved it 3 644

Repair this

By Anonymous - 30/07/2021 06:01

Today, at my appliance job, we received a used dryer that needed to be fixed. I took it in the back room to test it. I plugged it in and turned it on. It started to smell so bad that I went to shut it down, but before I did I see two used condoms fly out of the back vent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 806

You deserved it 45

By Anonymous - 07/08/2009 15:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. Halfway through he asked me what day it was. I told him, "Friday." He jumped up and ran over to the TV yelling, "Oh my God! Shark week is almost over!!" I was cock-blocked by the Discovery Channel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 671

You deserved it 8 321

By dasnich - 05/02/2012 03:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, after a twelve week dry spell followed by an eight week one, I decided to take a bit more initiative at seducing my girlfriend. Not only was she "not in the mood" again, but she offered me Trident Layers gum instead. She apparently thought that it was a fair trade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 689

You deserved it 5 360

By Anonymous - 09/05/2019 22:00

Today, I found out that my mother has been telling everybody that I’m a lesbian, because both of her best friends have at least one gay child each, and she was feeling left out. This explains why people have been treating me differently the last few weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 224

You deserved it 129

By Anonymous - 13/12/2014 20:21 - United States

Today, after months of saving, I went to buy the wedding ring I promised to buy my fiancée. Just seconds after I walked in, the owner asked me to leave, saying he doesn't serve "trash" like me, while pointing at the memorial tattoo on the back of my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 761

You deserved it 3 663

By davidh5012 - 27/11/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, my dad had his "sixteen years overdue" vasectomy. I'm fifteen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 454

You deserved it 2 847

By Anonymous - 02/09/2012 23:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, after a visit with my mom, I started feeling sick. I meant to send her a text asking if she had gotten sick lately, but I accidentally sent a text asking if she had gotten dick lately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 374

You deserved it 5 337

By Eh... - 19/07/2009 07:25 - Ukraine

Today, my boss asked me if I know anything about those tattoos that girl put on their lower backs. "You mean Tramp Stamps?" I responded. He looked at me with hatred in his eyes and said that his 18 year old daughter just got one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 316

You deserved it 8 020

By Elephant1718 - 12/06/2013 01:16 - United States - The Dalles

Today, I was looking forward to my only day to sleep-in this month while I'm balancing school and work. I was rudely awakened at 6 am by my sister and her friend trying to make pancakes, burning them, and setting off the fire alarm in my house for half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 801

You deserved it 3 034

By ash - 13/06/2011 03:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he is homophobic. This wouldn't be such a big deal, if my mother wasn't a lesbian. He doesn't know this yet, and I'm afraid to tell him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 402

You deserved it 6 989

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Top comments

brrrx 0

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Friday 14 August 2009 23:04

Sounds like you improved the schedule.

paintballer394 0

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Friday 14 August 2009 23:04

A subliminal message, maybe?

Comments

brrrx 0

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Friday 14 August 2009 23:04

Sounds like you improved the schedule.

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Saturday 15 August 2009 4:29

Second

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Saturday 15 August 2009 5:16

WHOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I'M SORTA FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK GAWD!!!!!!!!!! THANK JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Saturday 15 August 2009 6:46

YDI for wearing sunglasses in the dark, with a solar-powered flashlight, and a waterproof bathing suit!

qq422 0

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Sunday 16 August 2009 3:25

uhhh......what?

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Sunday 7 February 2010 7:08

u shoulda said suck my then pointed at the paper

flabbergaste22 0

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Thursday 11 February 2010 5:21

guess she needs to know something

angizzlelolhahah 0

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Sunday 12 June 2011 16:30

?

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Friday 14 August 2009 23:04

Ouch. Jet

paintballer394 0

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Friday 14 August 2009 23:04

A subliminal message, maybe?

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Friday 14 August 2009 23:05

Lolfail

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Sunday 16 August 2009 5:35

Definitely a win.

lifeislife_fml 0

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Friday 14 August 2009 23:05

What a great coincidence.

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Friday 14 August 2009 23:06

:) i love ittt.

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Friday 14 August 2009 23:06

lol...But put this on mylifeisaverage.com instead

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Saturday 15 August 2009 0:36

This does not happen to an average person XD XD

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Friday 14 August 2009 23:06

EPIC FAIL!!!!! : ]

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Friday 14 August 2009 23:06

Maybe you want your boss to give it to you... that just helped him out, continue to keep sending him messages like that, so you can get a lonely night in the hot tub with him, dont be shy, cuntburger ho

OMGoriginality 0

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Saturday 15 August 2009 4:17

OP stated it was a "she" dood, lul? Still sounds hot tho.

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Friday 14 August 2009 23:07

hahha oh snap

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 815

You deserved it 109

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 205

You deserved it 291