Miscellaneous: Today, in geometry class, we were working in dead silence. Apparently... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 218

You deserved it 56

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 113

You deserved it 1 028

03/12/2011 08:15

Today, in geometry class, we were working in dead silence. Apparently my phone wasn't on vibrate, and I received 25 texts all at once, while it blasted "Hakuna Matataaaa" out of my back pocket. They weren't even texts from friends, just Facebook notifications. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 159

You deserved it 35 925

Late term

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Walk the line

19/11/2009 13:36

Today, my boyfriend gave me an early wedding present. I opened the box and inside was the most adorable cat I've ever seen! It got scared, jumped out, clawed my face and pissed everywhere. My wedding is tomorrow and I look like Frankenstein's bride. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 800

You deserved it 3 831

30/07/2015 02:34

Spicy

Today, I was doing laundry while my boyfriend was sitting at the table playing on his phone. I glanced over and caught him watching my ass as I put clothes in the dryer. Trying to be sexy, I looked at him as I slowly bent over to put more clothes in. Instead, I hit my head hard on the dryer door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 319

You deserved it 8 860

22/11/2011 11:36

Today, I found out that my new roommate got kicked out of his old house because he pulled a gun on his old roommates and threatened them. The reason? They nagged him about dishes he left in the sink. Well, only 10 months left on the lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 786

You deserved it 3 339

10/07/2010 20:05

Today, I told my girlfriend that my grandma died, expecting to be comforted. She got mad at me for "stealing her thunder" because her cat died two days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 811

You deserved it 4 477

21/07/2010 20:31

Today, I brought my boyfriend of a year and a half to meet my parents. Turns out he dated my mom. This should be a fun dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 009

You deserved it 6 204

08/11/2010 21:26

Today, I freaked out when I couldn't get my bathroom door open. After ten minutes of panic when thinking about how I'd be stuck there for at least 8 hours until my roommate would get home, and another five mentally going over survival skills, I realized that I had forgotten to unlock the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 857

You deserved it 45 006

Influencer behavior

By Anonymous - 01/07/2021 19:59

Today, I thought it would be cool to take a picture of the guy whose kids I’m babysitting's Tesla and post it on my Instagram, passing it off as mine. I learned to keep my profile private, because the guy found my pic and posted, "Actually that’s my car." FML

I agree, your life sucks 130

You deserved it 2 067

25/08/2015 11:55

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I said I wouldn't find her attractive in 20 years. What I actually said was that I wouldn't sleep with her mother now, who happens to be 20 years older than her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 173

You deserved it 3 291

30/01/2017 14:00

Today, while in an ambulance after being in a car wreck, the EMT told me I would need to sign some electronic paperwork. He held it above my head for me to sign and promptly dropped it on my my face, breaking my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 485

You deserved it 463

14/08/2013 16:22

Spicy

Today, I was having dinner with my boyfriend's family, and he was saying how well his driving lessons are going. During this conversation his mum told him to "stop blowing your own trumpet." He replied, "If I could do that, I wouldn't need Anna." His dad gave him a high-five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 831

You deserved it 8 953

08/04/2019 17:00

Today, I fell asleep while watching the Ted Bundy documentary. I'm a woman, home alone, in Seattle. The nightmares were so scary, I may never want to sleep again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 635

You deserved it 733

26/11/2008 04:43

Spicy

Today, I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. I wasn't able to control it : I farted right into her nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 951

You deserved it 27 373

16/06/2011 06:37

Today, I was working the register at our local McDonald's. After a strange man left a massive order, he said, "Can I pay you in gummy worms?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 017

You deserved it 4 335

22/11/2008 04:03

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend came home with new condoms: Manix Endurance containing a numbing gel designed to help me "last longer". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 066

You deserved it 11 531

27/02/2018 01:30

Today, my son was finally born. He was the perfect weight, as healthy as can be, and has his father’s dark, chocolate complexion. At least I’m guessing so, since both my wife and I are white. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 591

You deserved it 496

25/09/2011 04:03

Today, my 5 year old daughter told me that I needed to stay 50 feet away from her at all times when we were at school, mostly because I didn't hang with the cool parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 134

You deserved it 3 846

31/03/2017 20:00

Today, I learned the joy of getting a brand new leather jacket and then watching my date drunkenly throw up all over my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 578

You deserved it 548

10/12/2013 06:04

Today, I had to listen to fellow classmates whine about selling one of their many houses, while I can barely afford to pay for a $100 textbook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 790

You deserved it 3 444

So do some adults…

By geonix - 19/05/2021 08:00

Today, I discovered that apparently my six-year-old daughter actually believes that the United States is the only country with advanced technology. FML

I agree, your life sucks 698

You deserved it 385

24/12/2011 00:26

Today, I invited a few of my co-workers over to play video games. Within an hour, my wife had gotten drunk, grabbed my controller, told me to "get back in the kitchen", and described to everyone in blood-chilling detail how she took her first boyfriend's virginity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 391

You deserved it 3 850

Annoying internal jukebox

By Anonymous - 05/07/2021 04:00

Today, I can remember enough of a song for it to be stuck in my head, but not enough of it to help me identify the song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 775

You deserved it 102

Great time to try for a kid

By Anonymous - 04/07/2020 14:01

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years complained about having to jack off for IVF. We haven't had sex in 9 months, I have to take hormone injections, and I'm jealous of his own hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 379

You deserved it 316

13/10/2011 16:56

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend informed me that to save money, he's been using the same condom for the last month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 795

You deserved it 6 293

04/10/2009 05:04

Spicy

Today, I woke up after a heavy night of drinking, with my laptop dead on my chest. Apparently, I had attempted a bit of digital penile oscillation, but passed out instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 453

You deserved it 19 714

Happy… where d'he go?

By Lonely - 05/09/2021 04:59

Today, it's our fifth-year anniversary with my boyfriend. I gave him his gift and walked over to the kitchen to serve him some food I'd made. On my way back to the dining room, I overheard his plans with his friend to ditch me in 10 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 065

You deserved it 81

Ouch

By Anonymous - 14/12/2011 23:12

Spicy

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job. I thought it was going great and I was doing a good job, until he told me to "stop chomping on it like it's a hot dog." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 584

You deserved it 29 218

14/08/2016 10:58

Today, a cute guy came up to me and asked for my phone number. I was super excited and began to write it down when he said, "It doesn't have to be your real number, I'm not gonna call anyway." I still gave him my real number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 415

You deserved it 1 357

15/01/2015 15:12

Today, like every other day at work, I had to listen to people talk about being addicted to sex. I have to treat people for addiction to something I've never even had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 266

You deserved it 5 310

04/04/2013 14:29

Today, I had my first game ever as an ice hockey goalie. Our team didn't have a goalie helmet, so they gave me a regular one which didn't cover me completely. I was worried about it and told my coach, but he said I would be fine. I then took a puck to the throat that sent me to hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 652

You deserved it 4 889

21/12/2011 16:30

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend at a grocery store. We haven't seen each other since we broke up a few months ago, and when he introduced me, he called me by the wrong name. We dated for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 307

You deserved it 3 923

07/08/2011 05:29

Today, while watching tv at my mother's house, a tornado warning came across the screen. After being in the dark nasty basement for half an hour, my mom realizes she was watching a recorded show, and that tornado warning was for 2 weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 091

You deserved it 5 033

11/02/2013 01:51

Today, I went to the local pet store to purchase a large dog bed so my dog wouldn't sleep in mine. After I got home and set up her bed, I realized I forgot to buy dog treats. When I came home again, her new bed was torn to shreds, and she was still sleeping on my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 156

You deserved it 5 908

26/04/2016 05:04

Today, I started a new job. The synopsis of my training was, "You're starting a job you're going to hate and you'll be fired for entertaining yourself while waiting for us to give you more work. But you're going to love being here." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 446

You deserved it 1 895

21/11/2014 03:25

Spicy

Today, I was rock climbing. I had my equipment on and I saw a really cute girl. I went for the hardest climb in the gym, and while jumping up to grab the rock, I simultaneously farted, missed the rock, fell to the mat and broke my arm in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 114

You deserved it 17 544

10/01/2014 16:12

Today, my boyfriend saw a YouTube video of a guy throwing boiling water into the cold air, with the water immediately turning to ice and vapor. He copied it, but only succeeded in dousing himself with boiling water, then making me drive his idiot self to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 224

You deserved it 5 664

15/05/2017 16:00

Today, I came into work feeling good about myself and my upcoming plans. I left before noon with a box of my belongings and uncertainty about my future, having been suddenly laid off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 864

You deserved it 279

24/04/2009 04:36

Today, my boss confessed to me that she doesn't know how to change the staples in the staplers at work, so she just switches them when they run out. We work at an office supply store. She makes six figures. I make $10 an hour. And she just got awarded a trip to Aruba for doing a "great job". FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 375

You deserved it 3 406

01/09/2011 23:40

Today, I asked my Dad if it was true that my mother had a C-section at my birth. He replied "Yeah, so technically you weren't even born, you were surgically removed, like a tumor." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 117

You deserved it 5 016

06/07/2019 20:04

Today, my friends kidnapped me as a surprise birthday prank, and threw me into my own car's trunk. As they drove the car to PF Chang's, I'm freaking out, blindfolded and hogtied. My car was low on gas, and they ran out on the highway. They left me in the car on I-275 for 9 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 731

You deserved it 180

That's a hard no from me, dawg

By soontobesingle - 19/03/2013 11:30

Spicy

Today, I found out that my gorgeous, smart, perfect new boyfriend has an unusual fetish. It doesn't involve me at all actually. Just a Labrador. This is probably a deal breaker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 966

You deserved it 4 980

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Saturday 3 December 2011 12:03

it's a problem free philosophy!

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Saturday 3 December 2011 12:07

At least it wasn't Justin biber..

Comments

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Saturday 3 December 2011 12:03

it's a problem free philosophy!

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Saturday 3 December 2011 14:49

Hakuna me gusta

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Saturday 3 December 2011 15:29

Not as bad as the time when I handed my phone to my crush so she could google something and my brother sent me a text asking me if I asked her out yet....

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Saturday 3 December 2011 17:35

38 did you just mix Swahili and Spanish?

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Saturday 3 December 2011 17:59

64- and English, hakuna- Swahili, me- English, gusta- Spanish.

thrAsHeRr9081 16

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Saturday 3 December 2011 18:34

Really 71 -.-

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Sunday 4 December 2011 0:19

71- "me" is Spanish, It's a special context of "yo" meaning "I" used only in the case of certain words, such as gusta "me gusta" means "I like". There's your Spanish lesson for the day.

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Sunday 4 December 2011 3:31

Don't worry about a thing OP! It's all good!

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Sunday 4 December 2011 3:33

Número 71 no sabe español..

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Sunday 4 December 2011 4:45

Actually I'm part puerto rican and had a Spanish boyfriend. Excuse me for my brain fail. I spaced, hard day. Jeez.

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Monday 5 December 2011 0:31

118: .."conoce" español. Nadie sabe una lengua.

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 5:44

141- no.. "conoce" is used when you are talking about people or meeting someone.

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Saturday 3 December 2011 12:06

It means no worries for the rest of you days :}

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Saturday 3 December 2011 20:21

*your

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Saturday 3 December 2011 22:42

Everyone's gonna thumb down this comment because it's irrelevant but..... Why are all these FMLS structured the same? They always have the word 'Apparently'. even when it's not necessary it's there.

Shrike 23

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Saturday 3 December 2011 22:49

Everyone's gonna thumb down this comment because it's irrelevant but..... Why are all these comments using the same kind of slang and bad grammar? Oh yeah, 'cause it's a big trend. What does your comment have to do with #3's, anyway, tard-boy?

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Sunday 4 December 2011 5:22

Haha

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Sunday 4 December 2011 7:15

I would have just sang along when it went off. No worries! :)

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Saturday 3 December 2011 12:07

At least it wasn't Justin biber..

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Saturday 3 December 2011 12:10

Bieber*

marpay 11

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Saturday 3 December 2011 12:15

Justine*

DeadxManxWalking 27

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Saturday 3 December 2011 15:15

Justina Beaver*

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Saturday 3 December 2011 15:53

C c c c c combo breaker!

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Saturday 3 December 2011 16:00

Too bad it wasn't :) Yup now I'm going to be attacked with thumbs down, just because I have an opinion and like Justin bieber.

SouthernKiller 4

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Saturday 3 December 2011 17:41

48- of course

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Saturday 3 December 2011 19:07

48- and why do you seemed to be so stressed out on getting thumbs down? It's just other people's opinions on your comment. Either they love your comment, or they fucking hate you and wish you'd go jump in a frozen lake.

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Saturday 3 December 2011 20:23

I agree with you! :) too bad it WASN'T Justin bieber! Ahahah, hes amazing :) now I'll get thumbs down too!

screamo_neve 12

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Saturday 3 December 2011 22:13

I have a cure for Bieber Fever: kill Justin Bieber. Muahahahahahahaha >:3

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Sunday 4 December 2011 3:37

48- and I bet you are a 13 year old girl.

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Sunday 4 December 2011 4:43

Nope, I actually like his music. Their are Many girls I know your age and older who like him too. Its a matter of opinion, I don't like screamo, you don't hear me hating? Or calling anyone who does an emo middle schooler. I'm actually a bit older than you.

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Sunday 4 December 2011 5:19

yeah the only bad thing about killing justin bieber is that his songs will be played every single minute everywhere. like when micheal jackson died.

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Sunday 4 December 2011 11:29

What I found really hypocritical about Justin Beiver fans that I knew was how they got all defensive about JB and said to stop hating but when it came to rebecca black they all jumped on the band wagon and ripped her apart worse then most.

ohmandapants 16

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Thursday 8 December 2011 7:23

I have come to a very simple conclusion: All these teeny bopper singers need to go the fuck away.

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Saturday 3 December 2011 12:08

Lol. This happened to me in AP Music Theory with caramel dansen....

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Saturday 3 December 2011 17:51

I respect that. Speedycake remix or the original though?

TheAngryKitten 0

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Sunday 4 December 2011 7:10

You sir are a champion.

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 3:25

Probably speedycake.. this makes me want to listen to Caramelldansen now..

RacistPancake 6

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Saturday 3 December 2011 12:09

How did you not turn it off during 25 texts?

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Saturday 3 December 2011 12:21

"all at once"

RacistPancake 6

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Sunday 4 December 2011 14:13

Wtf why so many thumbs down??? It takes you 25 texts to realize you need to turn it off???

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Saturday 3 December 2011 12:10

That's dumb

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Saturday 3 December 2011 13:30

You're dumb

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Saturday 3 December 2011 12:11

Remember, No worries for the rest of your days. Except having your phone taken away

Miss_Michaela 10

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Saturday 3 December 2011 12:16

Yup. Trashin' The Camp from Tarzan is my mobile ring tone.

Buttsexpirate 9

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Saturday 3 December 2011 12:18

Oh what a wonderful phrase.

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Saturday 3 December 2011 12:19

dumb ass