Money: Today, I won $5000 dollars from a lottery ticket and tried giving... - FML

By Noname - Canada

Today, I won $5000 dollars from a lottery ticket and tried giving the man next to me a high five. He had no hands. FML

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Sorry…

Does this smell weird?

Home Improvement

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the hospital to visit my aunt and her newborn baby. The receptionist gave me the room number, and I went and my aunt was in the bathroom so I cuddle the baby, only to find that the woman who came out of the bathroom was a complete stranger. I was holding her baby. FML

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By atleastwedidntdie

Today, I was supposed to be sipping margaritas on a beach in Mexico. Too bad we only made it 37 miles before getting in a car accident. FML

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By cbarebo - United States

Today, I went in my room to play my guitar. I found my Les Paul on the floor with all the strings missing. I later found out my grandma cut them off because I was playing "Devil's Music." FML

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By Derek Lee - United States

Today, I sold my Xbox 360 on Craigslist. I met the dude at the mall. I gave him my Xbox and a handshake for buying. I left without the money. FML

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By FunTimes - Canada

Today, my mom got drunk and tried to push me off a ladder. FML

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By gmnesbitt - United States

Today, it was my first time as a hockey referee, for a game played by 7-year-olds. At one point, a little boy tripped another boy. Doing my job, I gave him 2 minutes in the penalty box. After the game, I was attacked by a mob of parents. I was even given an optometrist's business card. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - V?ster

Today, I woke up to find my best friend lying down and unresponsive. Frightened, I tapped on the glass. He got scared and started swimming again. My best friend is a fish. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time in years, I broke down in tears, over a Hallmark commercial. FML

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By JT. - Luxembourg

You tried

Today, after my sister's wedding, a bunch of people were dancing. I noticed my grandma sitting alone and looking sad. My grandpa died last month, so feeling bad for her, I asked if she'd like to dance with me. She seemed a lot happier, until I accidentally caused her to fall and break her arm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 6 ft snake got loose. I found it. It was in my neighbor's backyard, constricting their pet rabbit. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, I learned that you can be so sleep deprived that you sleep through your alarm, a construction crew outside your house, and your bladder completely voiding itself. FML

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By MYLIFESUX - United States

Today, I was sitting using my laptop, I was also eating a bag of starbursts. They bag slid off the bed, I went to catch them and in the process my knee hit my laptop which flew off the bed onto the wooden floor, and shattered. I broke my $2,500 laptop to save 11 starbursts from falling. FML

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By Dead_Eye - United States

Today, I turned down an invite to a huge private party that is rarely given to freshmen in college, because I felt bad that I hadn't had a chance to talk to my girlfriend in a couple of days. I called her a couple of hours later. She answered with, "Hey, I'm at a party. I will call you tomorrow?" FML

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By KobraKommander - France

Today, I rear-ended a car while I was texting about the accident ahead which was causing all the traffic. FML

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By suckerrrrr - United States

Today, I bought a top with some other things. I went to the restroom and had diarrhea, but there was no toilet paper in the stall. I had to use the receipt from the store. I then realized the clerk hadn't put the top in the bag. I needed that receipt to get the top. FML

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By dumped - United States - Atlanta

Today, I told my friend about a fight I had earlier with my girlfriend. He thought it'd be funny to use my phone while I was in the bathroom and text her "ure such a cunt". She wouldn't believe the truth, even when my friend confessed to her. She thought I paid him to take the fall. FML

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By UghDude - United States - Austin

Today, I found out that my sister licks all the flavoring off Doritos and puts them back in the bag. FML

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By - United States

Almost father

Today, my 15 year old girlfriend called to tell me she is pregnant. Her dad is ex-military, and makes a point of cleaning his guns every time I go to her house. FML

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By helpme - United States - Annapolis

Today, my anxiety cockblocked me. I was in the middle of a wank, about to come, when I suddenly freaked out and had to stop and check to make sure I didn't have any homework due tomorrow. FML

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By InPain

The joys of public transport

Today, while riding the train, some druggie got into a dispute with some random passengers. Even though I didn't even look at them fighting, he decided I was a threat and punched me, a pregnant woman, and some bikers. Now I've got a black eye. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up in hospital after a night of heavy drinking. My friends told me I was beat up by the doorman. After going to the club to watch the security footage, it was revealed I actually fell on my face trying to fight, and caused more damage to myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working in the box office. A group came in for tickets but wanted to pay individually. One paid $40 for a $25 ticket. Laughing, I reached for the calculator while saying, "I went to public school, so I can't do math." They didn't laugh. They were all teachers in public schools. FML

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By Alexa23 - United States

Today, I got out of the shower and my 3 year old sister comes into the bathroom and says "I want big boobies like yours when I grow up." And from the other room I hear my dad go "Sweetie, you've already got bigger boobs than your sister." FML

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By hanzastfu - United States

Today, I was spending time with my boyfriend for the first time in two weeks. I started tearing up and telling him that I feel like he never has time for me anymore. He responded with, "I'm hungry." FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me 80 times in 5 minutes. I had previously told him I was with my friends. He left me a voicemail proposing saying he loved me to death and he was crying. We've been dating for a week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after leaving my mom's house, I got 4 text messages from her about how I was a terrible person for not saying goodbye to my sister when I left. The "sister" she was referring to is the family dog. FML

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By Hungry

I am hungry

Today, I thought my mother was coming into my room to give me lunch. She gave me cleaning supplies instead. FML

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By Ouijake

Today, I tried out the new VR headset I got for Christmas. I downloaded a 'Moon Walk' app and went for a walk around my basement. I felt adventurous and tried to climb my stairs, took a nice large step ready to ascend the lunar hill, and found myself standing in my cat's litter box. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2020 08:08

Double standards

Today, the friend who I'm crushing on but doesn't like me like that back said she wants us to keep our distance AND got angry because I told her I joined a dating app. Now she thinks I lied about my feelings. FML

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By nerdgirlmickey - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I found out my girlfriend can do Heath Ledger's "Joker" voice perfectly. I'm not sure if I should be scared or impressed. FML

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By yeah - United States - Eugene

Today, I got in trouble for missing my shift. According to my idiot boss, "Crashes don't just happen." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom and I had to shovel our driveway after an epic snowstorm that left us with 22 inches of snow. We only needed to dig out my mom's car and not mine. After we did all that work and shoveled all the snow onto the side where my car was we found out my mom had a flat tire. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Anyway, here's Wonderwall

Today, I was walking down the street with my acoustic guitar on my back. I saw a girl that I like coming down the opposite way, so I decided to play my guitar to try and impress her. I started to tune it quickly, but while I wasn't paying attention, I ran into a pole. Now my guitar is cracked. FML

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By rollercoaster - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year broke up with me. Completely crushed, I spent an hour gathering up everything he ever gave me. Then he calls back to say how stupid he was and how he wanted me back. I was ecstatic. An hour later he figured out he was okay with his first decision. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I told my Dad I was an alcoholic and had decided to seek help. His reply, "Don't stop drinking, you are the life of the party, funny and beautiful when you drink." FML

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By that’s what you get - 5/8/2020 17:02

Food for thought

Today, I warned my husband not to eat the seafood he'd left on the counter. He insisted it was fine. He’s now been in the bathroom shitting, puking and wailing for three hours. Our place is tiny and the bathroom is attached to our bedroom. The door doesn’t keep out the noise or the rancid smell. FML

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By BeautifulDisastre - United States

Today, I drove the six hours to LA to attend my Uncle's birthday party. When I tried to get off at the exit, it took me two hours just to get onto the street where the club was. By the time I showed up, the party was already over, so I ended up going to a Denny's. I drove eight hours for a Denny's. FML

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By Victoria - Australia - Perth

My name is?

Today, while interviewing for a job, I was greeted by the interviewer with a handshake and a greeting of, "Hello Victoria, my name is Bill." I responded with, "Hello. My name is Bill." I think it's safe to assume I didn't get the job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I put lemon juice in my hair as a cheap and easy way to get highlights. I left it in my hair and I laid out in the backyard to get some sun. The sunshine wasn't the only thing that found me; it seems every bug in the neighborhood is now hiding in my hair. FML

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By Chad - 10/9/2020 04:02 - United States - Norfolk

Cloth ears

Today, my hubby asked me what we were doing for dinner. He'd already asked me twice and each time I responded, he said, "Sounds good." He has no idea why I feel like he doesn't listen to me. He's been doing this shit for 12 years. FML

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Top comments

By mellowyellowww | 0

#65300 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:31

i hope you gave him the money to buy himself some hands.

but i bet you didn't.

selfish.

By cbahh | 0

#4267 - Friday 20 February 2009 4:36

This made me laugh for 3 whole minutes.

COMMENTS

By twignig | 0

#2522 - Monday 16 February 2009 4:21

fuck your life? you're $5000 richer asshole.

Reply

ILoveMyXbox | 0

#1722769 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:12

ye

By ohjesusreally | 0

#3901 - Thursday 19 February 2009 10:57

bahahaha. favorite.

By cbahh | 0

#4267 - Friday 20 February 2009 4:36

This made me laugh for 3 whole minutes.

By chuckles | 0

#5166 - Sunday 22 February 2009 5:22

LMFAO
i hate that i'm laughing at this but how RANDOM!?!? just try to imagine that!

By mizled | 0

#12401 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 9:39

xD Five grand richer ad slightly embarrassed. wow, I FEEL you PAIN

By egaonogenki | 0

#12498 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 11:09

Dude, how do handless men wipe after being in the restroom?!?!?

Anyway, see Ryan high-five the blind guy here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4AHHVT58NE

Reply

kindofgocrazy | 0

#493206 - Monday 17 August 2009 9:41

Umm, rip the toilet paper with your feet/mouth (ew), and put it on the edge of the toilet, and rub your butt on it, then push it into the toilet with your shoe.

Or prosthetics could probably work.

Reply

Enoch134 | 0

#813073 - Sunday 31 January 2010 18:37

lol he uses a hook hahaha

By aaryn_indigo | 0

#12682 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 16:05

okay, this is actually freaking hilarious.
i laughed out loud.

By Superman8_fml | 0

#15625 - Thursday 5 March 2009 4:47

this is TOOOOtally made up. for sure

By tbeaun | 0

#24542 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 19:11

FUCK YOU. I'LL BET YOUR MOTHER HATES YOU.

By pewp | 5

#24844 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 21:23

i declare shenanigans