Money: Today, my Dad called me to tell me that he had finally won the... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my Dad called me to tell me that he had finally won the lottery and that I no longer had to worry about trying to find a way to pay for school. I was so excited I started crying. He then told me that he won $5 on a scratch off lotto ticket. He bought a sandwich. Funny dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62319

You deserved it

9129

Tweet

Share

Taking stock

Stir crazy, part 16

I'm a mess

By annoyed - United States

Today, I got a ticket. From my dad the cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42640

You deserved it

18271

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United Kingdom

Take that

Today, I was at my Muay Thai class. We were doing a combination which consisted of a low kick, body kick and head kick. My partner had already done the low kick so I held the pads for the body kick. He kicked me straight in the jaw. I'm a teenage girl and he's a fully grown man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36159

You deserved it

3773

Tweet

Share

By forgettable - 21/6/2020 20:08

Revenge is rarely satisfactory

Today, I wanted to rub my success in my ex's face to get her back for breaking my heart. I typed the perfect email, included every detail of opening my own business, buying my own home and cleverly intertwined insults. A few hours later, she replied, "That’s nice. Who’s this?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

476

You deserved it

3312

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, after buying dinner from the supermarket, I had the change in my hand, and my wallet. In the parking lot, a quarter fell out of my hand, and right next to the street drain. As I went to pick it up, my wallet fell down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50240

You deserved it

11234

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she suddenly stopped and yelled "STOP!". I stopped, scared I'd hurt her. She then yelled "HAMMER TIME!" and started to dance. We never finished. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33107

You deserved it

5590

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/1/2021 07:58

Missing the point

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I checked his phone. The reason I did so was to get his mum’s number so I could arrange to send her his Xmas present in a parcel, as a surprise as I wouldn't be with him. He found out when he asked me how I managed it, and I told him honestly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1000

You deserved it

282

Tweet

Share

By lottielondon - United Kingdom

Today, my garage was flooded. Everything was ruined. My garage also happens to be my study, in which my entire art coursework was drying. My exam is tomorrow and all I have to hand in is a pile of mushy paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35959

You deserved it

3742

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/5/2020 20:00

It never ends

Today, I had a "nightmare" where I found out I had more homework than I originally realized, and spent the entire dream doing homework. There is no escape. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1424

You deserved it

159

Tweet

Share

By mybad7 - Australia

Today, I finally decided to sleep with my boyfriend. It was my first time and I was really nervous so when he was being all romantic with candles and wine I went a bit overboard and drank too much. I passed out. I woke up a few hours later, still a virgin and in a puddle of my own wee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9884

You deserved it

34374

Tweet

Share

By trigfail - New Zealand

Today, I failed my trigonometry exam because my scientific calculator was on the wrong setting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19540

You deserved it

46046

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/7/2020 17:03

You're in the army now, oh ohoh

Today, my dad set the smoke alarm off at 6 a.m. as a "practice drill." I was woken up so suddenly, I fell out of bed into the bucket of sick I had been throwing up into the night before due to flu. Dad yelled at me for not getting out of the house in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1535

You deserved it

124

Tweet

Share

By littledipper - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found out that the nice guy who comes to my workplace every morning to bring me a smoothie also makes a point of putting his knob in it before giving it to me. Also, all my coworkers knew about this and think it's hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48899

You deserved it

4607

Tweet

Share

By fuckyoutoo - Canada - Armstrong

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't share food after I tried taking a chip from him. I made popcorn that night, and when he tried to take some, I said, "I'm sorry, I don't share food" to get him back. His response? "I can tell." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39195

You deserved it

9581

Tweet

Share

By vibratorgirl - United States

Today, I left my parents house to drive 90 minutes back to college. As I was getting off the exit for my school, I realized I left my bright pink vibrator sitting on my dresser back at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23020

You deserved it

73689

Tweet

Share

By 3.14 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought my mother an apple pie. She made a face at it and said that she'd decided to go on a diet. After I'd left the house, she put it in the oven, forgot about it, and burnt it to a crisp. She then called me up to inform me that I'd wasted my money, and to get her "another damn pie." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27059

You deserved it

2068

Tweet

Share

By Josie Stiger - 19/3/2020 05:00

Denied

Today, I wrote out a note to the guy I liked. I went to hand it to him, but he said, "Sorry, that's not mine," and walked away. I was so nervous, I couldn't speak. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1460

You deserved it

252

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I realized that not only am I still an unpublished author, but I can't even get an FML posted after submitting several in the last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39194

You deserved it

7628

Tweet

Share

By need not know

Still married

Today, while fixing my dad's phone, I saw Tinder installed. He's still married to my mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2862

You deserved it

212

Tweet

Share

By hiker - United States

Today, my dad said that if I walked home from school, a distance of 8 miles, he would give me $50. Two hours and four massive blisters later, I come home. When I asked for my money, he said "I was kidding." FML

I agree, your life sucks

42419

You deserved it

14174

Tweet

Share

By Marlon - United States

Today, I got dumped by my girlfriend at her mom's birthday party, in front of her whole family. They even got it on video. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40624

You deserved it

3925

Tweet

Share

By Help - United States

Keep it down

Today, it's the second week into my new neighbors' routine. He works nights, she works days. He likes to blast out Slayer and Napalm Death all day, she likes to drunkenly sing out of tune to Adele all night. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31585

You deserved it

2488

Tweet

Share

By unluckycounsellor - Bermuda

Today, I was teaching swimming. A small boy said his stomach hurt, so I placed him on my back and carried him to the main building where he could lay down. He then jumped off my back and ran back towards the beach because 'he felt better'. I had explosive diarrhea all over my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62680

You deserved it

4806

Tweet

Share

By angry - Canada - Scarborough

Today, I came out as lesbian and introduced my new girlfriend to my family. My mom angrily told me that I should have waited until my grandparents had died before coming out, and that I was "extremely disrespectful" for making this announcement. I honestly thought everyone would be fine with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9725

You deserved it

1110

Tweet

Share

By alliobamy - United States

Today, I found an old friend of mine on Facebook. After adding her, I suggested friends for her. She ended up adding every single one I added, but not me. I later saw her ask one of those friends who the hell I was and how I knew all of them. We used to eat lunch together everyday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39932

You deserved it

3060

Tweet

Share

By LynzG

Today, my boss called me Ashley. My name doesn't even start with an A. I even wear a name tag. You would think after nearly four years, your boss would remember your name. Every time he speaks to me, it's a different name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32732

You deserved it

4008

Tweet

Share

By BoringFucker - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend openly mocked me, calling me an idiot for thinking seahorses are real. She insists that they're like unicorns, and only exist in fiction. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42277

You deserved it

4716

Tweet

Share

By mtorres8789 - United States

Today, our favorite teacher walked into our history class and everyone started whistling, I decided to join in by screaming 'sexy'. The room went quiet and all heads turned to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12834

You deserved it

80406

Tweet

Share

By me - United States - Carthage

Today, I was taking a shower. My mom thinks it's ok to just walk in on someone when they are in there so she decides to take a crap. The worst part is she thought it would be less awkward to talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28352

You deserved it

2683

Tweet

Share

By 1meme129 - United States - Denver

Today, my little cousin told me about how he never wipes his ass, because if he doesn't he doesn't need to wash his hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22223

You deserved it

1588

Tweet

Share

By kk-

Today, after my boyfriend broke up with me and I'd chained-smoked all night, I had a driving test. With only 3 hours of sleep, I literally drove through a red light during the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks

719

You deserved it

2762

Tweet

Share

By fuckered519 - United States - Du Quoin

Today, being useless at thinking of gifts, I asked my boyfriend what he wants for Christmas. I said it could be anything that I could afford. He looked me in the eye and said very seriously: "Anal." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40076

You deserved it

12519

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Czech Republic

Today, I was sitting at my favorite coffee shop, when a creepy 50-ish looking guy sat at my table. He asked if I'm into submissive guys, and if I wanted to dominate him. I'm a 17-year-old girl, and am now scared to ever go back there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49679

You deserved it

3068

Tweet

Share

By mariah_1_11 - United States

Today, I was supposed to go on a date with a guy I really like. My friends convinced me that he was going to stand me up and that I should just stay home to avoid being hurt. He showed up; I didn't. My friends laughed at my gullible nature. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13215

You deserved it

41158

Tweet

Share

By Order of the Dangling Testicles - United States - Astoria

Today, I moved back into my dorm. My ex-girlfriend, and the guy she left me for, now cohabit next door. Now I get to hear them screwing while I try to do my homework. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53997

You deserved it

4305

Tweet

Share

By Shan007tjuuh - Netherlands

Today, I got up at 4:30 am, went to my job as the newspaper guy. Nobody was there to open the door, it was raining and I was freezing. I decided to wait, because I really wanted my salary. At 6 o'clock my boss opens the door and says, "Oh, it's you. Well, you're fired. We can't pay you anymore." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34180

You deserved it

2055

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, there were reports of a drunk and disorderly male, and I arrived at the scene only to discover a drunk guy having explosive diarrhoea in a photo booth. He turned to me and shouted "God save the Queen!" It's then that I remembered it was my job to do something about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34654

You deserved it

3499

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Lemont

Today, my mom's obsession with cleanliness hit a new low when she bitched at me for having trash in my trash can. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34820

You deserved it

2438

Tweet

Share

By baconbreath=| - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I had a picnic on the beach. It was so romantic and perfect. He leant forward to kiss me. Once we had kissed he said, "We haven't even started eating yet", and passed me a mint. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27984

You deserved it

9573

Tweet

Share

By Sean - United States

Today, I went to my insurance company to deal with some paperwork. One of their employees backed into my car before I made it into the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45767

You deserved it

2988

Tweet

Share

By long day - United States - Bay City

Today, while taking an order over the phone for the customer at work, I began to hear slight moans. The moans gradually became faster and louder, until climax was achieved and I realized I was being used for phone sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47598

You deserved it

3862

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By howdidithappen | 0

#103057 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:19

haha. Funny guy

By imnutsss | 0

#993411 - Friday 14 May 2010 13:45

uh you had it correct the first time honey..

COMMENTS

By Sue21 | 0

#103010 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:25

Expensive sandwich

By STN_fml | 0

#103018 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:27

lol...and yay first

By TuddaTM | 0

#103022 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:27

first, and haha ur dads awesome

By unibrowicorn | 0

#103025 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:28

i love your dad.

By STN_fml | 0

#103027 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:28

lol...and yay first

By goode48 | 0

#103035 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:30

my dad would do something like that

By lifeislife_fml | 0

#103039 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:30

Ouch!

By TouchDown_fml | 0

#103054 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:31

Your dad is made of 100% pure win.

By sarahvalasco | 0

#103056 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:40

wow that must of sucked

By howdidithappen | 0

#103057 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:19

haha. Funny guy

Reply

alexomAnexo | 0

#915874 - Friday 5 March 2010 4:26

What's the problem your family just gained a sandwich:)

Reply

kennyFTW3fiddy | 0

#1025813 - Thursday 10 June 2010 2:37

ya dad is a beasttt