Intimacy: Today, I woke up with an extremely irritable rash around my crotch....

By IsThisRealLife - 01/02/2016 17:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up with an extremely irritable rash around my crotch. I didn't want to full out itch it by putting my hands down my pants, so I itched it by putting my hand in my pockets. I got kicked off the train for "pleasuring myself in public." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 847

You deserved it 5 770

Intimacy

Dysfunctional

Mama's boy

This is us

By Anonymous - 08/11/2010 17:11 - United States

Today, I let my friend use my computer to download some music. Now, my computer has 6 viruses and 4 songs, all of which I hate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 502

You deserved it 26 292

By Anonymous - 02/12/2009 19:25 - United States

Today, my daughter's guinea pig got stuck behind the wardrobe, squeaking its head off. I tried pulling the wardrobe towards me to free him, but couldn't take the weight of it all, so it fell over, smashing the TV. The guinea pig is fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 810

You deserved it 7 314

Odd

By StupidPets - 24/08/2016 03:09 - United States - Murrysville

Today, I saw my new pet fish completely missing the food at the bottom of his tank and sucking up the little rocks instead. My last dog died from eating rocks. I think I'm doomed to have insanely stupid pets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 180

You deserved it 1 402

Sewer monster

By Anonymous - 07/08/2020 14:02

Today, I realized my morbidly obese sibling's favorite bathroom to use is whichever one is closest to me during the day. Three floors of living space and the monster wants to drop a nuke where the odors are certain to waft to my nose three times a day. Every. Single. Day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 597

You deserved it 281

By User06606 - 29/09/2009 11:31 - United States

Today, I went to eat with my girlfriend, her parents and my mother. My mother complained about every aspect of the service. When I told her she needed to assert herself, she took her pocketbook and hit me over the head. The whole restaurant stared at us while she yelled "Is that assertive enough?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 375

You deserved it 6 253

By greeple - 10/09/2012 16:19 - Singapore

Today, I decided to clean my face of unwanted visitors, and spent my shower popping the pimples on my cheeks. Twenty minutes later, I remembered that I was showering ahead of a date with my girlfriend. My cheeks now look like the crater-filled surface of Mars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 712

You deserved it 12 738

By ThanksMum - 14/02/2012 11:56 - United Kingdom

Today, the only card I got for Valentine's Day was in my mother's handwriting, and she posted it through the front door herself. She still won't admit it's from her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 512

You deserved it 2 775

By pantless - 21/03/2016 18:57 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was written up for being late to work. I was late because somebody in my dorm stole my pants. All of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 413

You deserved it 1 245

By wittlegirl - 13/07/2011 18:16 - United States

Today, my parents think that I don't realize all the sexual euphemisms in their conversations. One of the more recent ones being made by my dad at the dinner table: "This sausage is great, honey, but mine is bigger and tastier!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 223

You deserved it 3 975

By Pwnedofthedead - 03/10/2009 15:34 - Canada

Today, I was walking to my friends Halloween themed birthday party in my zombie costume. Apparently, my crazy coke addicted neighbor found the costume too realistic. He tackled me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 735

You deserved it 3 768

By ananomus - 22/08/2010 04:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started to kiss my boobs. I am pregnant and started my lactation period. Now every time he looks at me he calls me milky way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 074

You deserved it 5 858

…and then everyone clapped

By boobsnbaseball - 02/07/2021 05:59

Today, my boyfriend and I got put on the Kiss cam at a baseball game. Instead of kissing me, he grabbed my boobs and got the biggest round of applause I have heard in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 926

You deserved it 160

By Anonymous - 20/08/2012 16:31 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, at my job at the mall, our music malfunctioned and now will only play the same three songs over and over again. Our manager won't let us turn it off because "the customers won't notice". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 334

You deserved it 1 720

By candice - 01/11/2011 09:09 - Reserved

Today, I had to tell all the trick-or-treaters that I'd run out of candy. I'd actually bought about $50 worth of candy, but managed to eat all of it by myself, sitting alone in my apartment, exactly like last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 502

You deserved it 46 478

By willtype4food - 10/09/2012 00:45 - Finland

Today, uncertain of having a job next month or being able to pay rent, I'm filling out tens of online surveys a day for gift cards to McDonald's, to buy hamburgers that I can freeze so I will have food for the coming months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 746

You deserved it 2 909

By theshad - 10/09/2010 06:28 - Reserved

Today, I was in a meeting with my boss and superiors as well as our clients. About two hours in I started playing with the lid of the pen I was using, next thing I saw was the lid flicking up and hitting my boss square in the middle of the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 935

You deserved it 28 648

By MahSquito - 06/02/2012 02:14 - United States

Today, a train hit me. A slow mini-train full of kindergartners who were on a tour of the museum I was visiting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 453

You deserved it 6 358

By logic - 18/01/2016 15:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I was asked by my live-in landlord not to put too much water in the kettle because it made the utility bills too high. This is the same woman who takes daily baths. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 234

You deserved it 2 178

Priorities

By Anonymous - 31/05/2020 02:03

Today my husband cried tears of joy because we now have dates for : 1 - When our son can go back to school, and 2 - When the pubs will reopen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 169

You deserved it 293

By puppielover - 21/08/2010 17:25 - United States

Today, my step-mom informed me that she and my dad will not be attending my wedding because they will be at a NASCAR race. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 894

You deserved it 3 707

By LilShawty2000 - 24/02/2009 05:30 - United States

Today, I went to chill with my best guy friend and his girlfriend, whom I recently met after I moved to the area. After a few beers, my buddy leaned over and tried to make out with me. I quickly backed up and shockingly looked over at his girlfriend to expect the same reaction. She winked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 655

You deserved it 7 866

By Anonymous - 11/08/2011 05:53 - Mexico

Today, since I'm too ashamed to go buy a proper sex toy, I used an old Star Wars toy sword instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 102

You deserved it 56 694

By Anonymous - 15/12/2009 18:18 - United States

Today, I learned that my building never received my rent check. Now not only do I have to pay a $40 late fee, but also a $40 fee to stop the payment of the check that went god knows where. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 310

You deserved it 3 156

By FirstKiss - 13/07/2009 15:00 - Canada

Today, I had my first kiss at a party. Later, I was told that the guy had been dared to kiss the ugliest girl in the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 648

You deserved it 6 658

By allocomrade - 29/07/2009 20:23 - United States

Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. She also confessed that she has been cheating on me with my best friend for 10 years. I appreciated the honesty, but was slightly upset considering we have only been married for 9 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 547

You deserved it 3 234

Masterchef

By Embarassed - 19/03/2014 22:24 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my boss told me that there is no point in making me cut onions anymore because every time I do, I look like I've "been beaten", and can't be seen by the customers for at least half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 667

You deserved it 3 606

By RollieCollieUSA - 30/01/2009 17:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. Before, I reached over to her computer and put on "Your Body is a Wonderland". Surprisingly, I lasted through the song and didn't realize her itunes was on random. "Rape me" by Nirvana came on. I still finished. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 643

You deserved it 6 606

By NoPrivacy - 26/04/2012 10:44 - United States

Today, my boss overheard me singing, "I need a shit, I need a shit" on my way to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 150

You deserved it 34 624

By Ladieda - 28/05/2012 10:15 - Netherlands - Apeldoorn

Today, my parents think it's so hot outside that it's okay for them to work in the garden naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 558

You deserved it 2 533

Sex workers unite!

By not a fan - 07/04/2021 08:00 - United States

Today I’ve been called a prude, a misogynist, a controlling bastard and worse all because I have a problem with my girlfriend masturbating for strangers online. She has an OnlyFans and I hate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 535

You deserved it 346

By Anonymous - 07/08/2015 17:31 - United States - Newark

Today, the jackoffs at my new job kept making jokes about my prosthetic leg. When I finally lost my shit and told one of them to back off, he said "Woah there, Mr Pistorius!" then said he'll avoid using the restroom now in case I decide to shoot him through the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 959

You deserved it 1 878

By bballer4_life - 14/12/2016 23:22 - United States - Erie

Today, I made dozens of cookies just in time for Christmas. When I went to take out the last pan from the oven, I slipped. In a desperate attempt to catch the pan I grabbed it with my bare hand. My hand is striped like a candy cane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 834

You deserved it 877

Gassy

By MuteNToot - 26/02/2015 21:17

Today, my friend was confiding all her problems to me over Skype. I pressed the mute button so I could let out a fart, forgetting I'd already muted it earlier. I broke several minutes of my own silence with a devastating wet one. Now she won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 909

You deserved it 14 293

By Anonymous - 13/03/2010 19:31 - United States

Today, while at work, a man came in wearing a very elaborate cowboy ensemble and went to talk to one of my coworkers. Once he left, I asked her how she knew a gay cowboy. She then explained that he's actually a farmer and her husband of ten years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 306

You deserved it 38 621

By Anonymous - 07/09/2018 03:30

Today, I found out my fiancé can't wear his ring at his parents house cause his mom and dad don’t want him to marry me, and it has nothing to do with me. They don’t like my parents so I’m not good enough for their son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 014

You deserved it 176

By Countdown has begun - 16/05/2019 12:58

Today, my girlfriend took a crap in my swimming pool. Her excuse? She had to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 916

You deserved it 205

By Anon - 27/02/2010 16:07 - United States

Today, my boss told me that if I didn't become his neighbor on Farmville I wouldn't have a job. I laughed. He didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 642

You deserved it 2 927

By lone_ranger - 25/09/2009 11:13 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend I have only one testicle. Her reaction? "Eeew, balls are gross!" I'm glad to know I'm only half as gross as other guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 309

You deserved it 3 454

By thicklysettled - 20/07/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I was talking to the girl I've liked for 2 years. We were assigned partners for a History project so we were going to work on it at my house. When she asked me for directions, I told her I lived on Woodcock Road. She yelled slapped me and stormed off. I was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 454

You deserved it 3 366

By wdavi022 - 05/01/2011 09:01

Today, I found out my identity was stolen. The person got credit cards in my name and didn't pay the bills, which has ruined my near perfect credit. The worst part about all of this is that I can't turn the person in. It's my mom, and sending her to jail wouldn't really work out for anyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 373

You deserved it 5 417

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Odd