Intimacy: Today, I woke up with an extremely irritable rash around my crotch.... - FML

By IsThisRealLife - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up with an extremely irritable rash around my crotch. I didn't want to full out itch it by putting my hands down my pants, so I itched it by putting my hand in my pockets. I got kicked off the train for "pleasuring myself in public." FML

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Mother of the year

Stalker vibes

Stay at home, especially you

By bigmikenyc - United States

Today, I realized if you leave a can of soda in parked car during a heatwave it will explode all over everything. My car is like a human glue trap. FML

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By stpddog - United States

Today, while trying to get my attention, my dog got her nail stuck in a usb port in my laptop. She freaked out and ran off, dragging it off my lap and through the house before if came off. Her nail was only slightly chipped- my laptop now has a cracked screen. FML

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By Noname - Japan

Today, I sneezed so hard I herniated my back. After passing out from the pain I awoke on the floor covered in my own shit and piss. Unable to move, I had to wait in this state for four hours for my wife to return home from work, clean me up and take me to the hospital. FML

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By blargh - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, at work, I was taking a woman's measurements while she held her screaming baby. To silence the infant, she whipped out her breast right there and started feeding him. Moments later, he puked breast milk all over my desk. FML

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By Jack - United States - Reynoldsburg

Today, I realized my girlfriend has been "on her period" for almost two months. FML

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By LawStudent - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I was excited to get my first writing assignment since starting law school. I found out that I have to write a paper defending free speech. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have to defend the Westboro Baptist Church and if I weren't a former Marine. FML

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By Anonymous - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, I was walking to the movie theatre with my boyfriend, when three guys muscled over and told us to hand over our phones. My boyfriend didn't waste any time pushing past me and running like hell, leaving me in tears and almost having a panic attack. FML

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By aaaaahhhh - Australia - Chatswood

Today, as a learner driver, I embarked on my longest drive ever: back home, from Sydney to Melbourne, which is around a 700km drive. I managed to get the whole way without any problems. I crashed into my driveway. FML

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By YipYop - United States - Brandon

Today, I rode a skateboard down a street past a busy two-story outdoor cafe. As I rode by, a group of people thought it'd be funny to kick stray pebbles at my wheels, trying to make me trip. It worked. My backpack ripped open in the process letting all my school-work float away in the wind. FML

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By dogless - United States

Today, I found my pit bull after three weeks of frantic searching. When we returned home, I put out food and water for him. I went to get him and found him in my room, wagging his tail at me. He had peed on my comforter, freshly folded clothes, and new 60 dollar winter coat. Welcome home, Caine. FML

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By superconfused16 - United States

Today, while leaving a restaurant, a little boy grabbed onto my leg and screamed, "Mommy! Don't leave me!" Then he looked up at my face, said, "Ewww," and ran away screaming in fear. FML

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By last time I drive stoned - United Kingdom

Today, I was stuck at a red light on an empty road for ten minutes before I finally realised that not only was I looking at the wrong traffic light, it was also broken. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend and she was making me listen to one of her recordings for chorus. As I was listening to it a solo came on, and i turned to her and said "This is the worst F*ing solo I've ever heard in my life." Little did I know, it was her solo. FML

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By commando - United States

Today, I was preparing to perform with my marching band at a competition. Right before we went on, a tuba player friend of mine offered to help me stretch. He wound up snapping my bra. I'm a drum major, and had to conduct the entire show while my boobs were falling out. FML

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By **(: - United States

Today, I learned that if you stare down an attractive man while pumping gas, he'll stare back. Then he might ask for your number. At which point his girlfriend will get out of the car and threaten to kick your ass. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after days of looking for it, I finally found the ring my boyfriend gave to me. It was on my roommate's finger. FML

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By Anonymous

recoils in horror

Today, I am violently allergic to my boyfriend's new hand cream. I know this because after last night's quickie on the sofa, I now have a rash all over my skin and weeping sores inside my vagina and around my bum hole. FML

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By LucyLollipop

Today, I had my first glass of red wine after months of pregnancy and giving birth. Just as I sat down and started to relax, I spilled it all over myself and my in-law’s couch. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, after months of dating, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to take things to the next level. He told me that he couldn't have sex with me because of his religious beliefs. I would've been fine with this if it weren't for the fact that I know he and his family are all atheists. FML

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By clutzymama - Canada - Woodbridge

Today, my 4-year-old daughter slipped on ceramic tile and I had to take her to the ER for 5 stitches to her chin. When we got home, I promptly split her chin open again as I over enthusiastically re-enacted how she fell to my husband and accidentally clocked her square in the chin. FML

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By anon - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I sent my long-distance boyfriend a heartfelt message about how much I missed him. He sent me back a picture of a Minion. FML

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By supersplatoon - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was walking down the street when someone started yelling at me, saying I was dead. I bolted, ran into a pole and when they caught up to me, said "Oh, wrong person." and walked off, leaving me bruised on the ground. FML

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By TommyNoFeet

Today, my third day training for a half marathon, I tripped and broke both of my ankles and one wrist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Norwalk

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. The officer was nice and let me off with just a warning. That is, until my dipshit brother yelled "Fucking pig!" out the window as the officer walked back to his car. FML

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By Worst Way To Get Promoted

Promoted!

Today, I walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room of our restaurant. I pretended I didn't see him and quickly closed the door. About five minutes later, he came out, cupped my face in his hands and told me I was getting promoted. I'm happy, but scarred for life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting ready to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. It seems he thought I was a much larger cup size than I really am, because when he saw my actual boobs, he said, "Aaaaaaand they're gone". FML

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By JPF - Australia

Today, I found out that I was adopted, now my gay brother thinks it's acceptable to tell me that he's always wanted to have sex with me. FML

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By AlienZ - United States

Today, my parents asked if I wanted to go to military school so I said, "Yeah, that would be awesome," thinking it was a joke. They weren't joking. FML

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By the bad artist - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was talking to an art critic at an exhibition. He told me that the artist had no talent and went on to tell me everything wrong with each painting. I'd painted them all. FML

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By lameows - United States

Today, things got heated with my boyfriend for the first time. Turns out he's even more inexperienced than I thought; when I started grinding against him, he frowned and said, "Um... why're you doing that? We've still got clothes on..." FML

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By Lonely Wanker - 26/2/2021 23:00

Cranking

Today, I started to cry while masturbating. This isn't the first time that this has happened. FML

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By explosivepeach - United States - Silver Spring

Today, on my second day as a lifeguard, I locked myself out of the pool. My angry guests and I had to wait for 45 minutes for my manager to arrive and unlock the gate. FML

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By natalie_sarantos - United States - Marshfield

Today, I took a coach bus to travel to New York. Along the way, the bus stopped at Burger King and I went out to buy some food. When I got back, I couldn't find the bus. It left without me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked out to my car to see four kids taking the hubcaps, radio, and license plates off of my truck. I chased them six blocks until I tripped and twisted my ankle. I limped back to my car and found a ticket on my windshield for $55 dollars. The reason? Missing license plates. FML

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By not my idea - 27/4/2020 20:00

Not now, mom

Today, my mom learned via Facebook that my ex is now divorced. She took this as a "sign from God" that he’s my soulmate, and took it upon herself to try to set us up. Not only have I not talked to this fool since we broke up in high school, I’m not sure who’s more pissed off, me or my husband. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Dumbo's jumbo dungo

Today, I learned not to get a job as an elephant keeper at the zoo when the water at home is out for a week for renovations. FML

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By Sleeeeeep - France

Today, I had to tell my doctor the real reason why I can't sleep at night for him to prescribe me anymore Ambien: I still have the irrational fear that there are monsters in the closet. I'm 22. FML

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By MrZhang - Australia

Today, I had an interview with IBM. For a week I did extensive research and preparation for the interview. At first the interview was going really well. I was hitting all the marks. Then just as a final casual question she asked with a smile "What does IBM stand for?". I didn't know. FML

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By FlipYoC - United States

Today, my mom was criticizing how I can't handle taking care of any living thing because I'm too irresponsible. We had a huge argument so I went back to my apartment, only to find that my fish had died. I forgot I had a fish. FML

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By JustAnotherFML23 - United States - Seattle

Today, my loneliness reached a new level when I befriended the fly in my apartment, Mr. Stickyfoot. FML

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Top comments

By JusstJef | 16

#6526171 - Monday 1 February 2016 23:13

Please don't elaborate on the rash. We don't need to know.

By Coffee5555 | 14

#6526183 - Monday 1 February 2016 23:16

says the one with a pic like that....

COMMENTS

By OhWhoCares | 42

#6526165 - Monday 1 February 2016 23:10

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Coffee5555 | 14

#6526183 - Monday 1 February 2016 23:16

says the one with a pic like that....

By FranticLol101 | 11

#6526168 - Monday 1 February 2016 23:11

Well was the itching pleasurable?

By MrsPine | 17

#6526169 - Monday 1 February 2016 23:11

Maybe you should get that checked out, OP.

Reply

Bunnyluver | 20

#6571746 - Friday 1 April 2016 2:37

You can have an itch and not need it to be checked out.

By JusstJef | 16

#6526171 - Monday 1 February 2016 23:13

Please don't elaborate on the rash. We don't need to know.

Reply

EcchiShojo | 4

#6526325 - Tuesday 2 February 2016 3:25

Yeah, that's not atopic I would want to talk about.

By beeferjay | 34

#6526173 - Monday 1 February 2016 23:14

probably shouldn't have salvaged that free couch from up the road

By LiteralxShit | 15

#6526180 - Monday 1 February 2016 23:16

I mean, I think that scratching an itch would be pretty pleasurable.

By AC98 | 19

#6526184 - Monday 1 February 2016 23:17

At least you're not itchy anymore

Reply

Replyka | 17

#6526378 - Tuesday 2 February 2016 5:36

Except they probably are because rashes tend to keep on itching.

By Darkness_Hate | 29

#6526186 - Monday 1 February 2016 23:20

Indeed it's hard to get rid of that feeling..especially in public.

By nash1991 | 20

#6526195 - Monday 1 February 2016 23:27

Maybe clean that area better next time you're taking a shower. Shouldn't be waking up with rashes there in the first place

Reply

BlockOfRedStone | 25

#6526229 - Tuesday 2 February 2016 0:11

When I wear a bathing suit I ALWAYS get a rash there (on the inside thighs, which is close enough to call the crotch area). That's why I hate going to water parks because walking around in a wet bathing suit just irritates the skin there too much.

Reply

Xynie | 20

#6526241 - Tuesday 2 February 2016 0:30

Ummm i don't think you're suppose to get a rash wearing a bathing suit. Maybe it's too small or you have really sensitive skin?

Reply

CheshireHalli | 19

#6526345 - Tuesday 2 February 2016 4:28

She did say the inside of her thighs, and I don't know about you, but my legs rub together some when I walk. Wet skin tends to make chafing or a rash like appearance. So it might not be a too small suit.

Reply

iAmPaul | 49

#6526346 - Tuesday 2 February 2016 4:31

@37: #17 is a guy.

Reply

Saxicolous | 27

#6526377 - Tuesday 2 February 2016 5:34

Guys have legs too y'know

By ViviMage | 38

#6526199 - Monday 1 February 2016 23:30

Get some cortisone cream or something for nappy rash!

Reply

andrmac | 25

#6526297 - Tuesday 2 February 2016 1:51

Cortisone BAD if that's jock itch and you aren't using anti fungus cream too. Could actually make it worse and cause it to spread since fungus loves moisture.