By maddie94 - Australia

Stained

Today, I was in a shopping center when I went to the toilet. I came out, washed my hands and suddenly got a massive itch in my crotch. Without thinking I itched it. I then had to walk around the center with a wet hand print on my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12354

You deserved it

54436

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Miscellaneous

The smell detective is on the case

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

They're everywhere

By lol - 28/10/2020 09:57

Waze?

Today, while working as an Uber driver, I asked my passenger for directions and she didn’t know. She was going to her own house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

825

You deserved it

563

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By holla1787 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her birthday is tomorrow so she sent her new boyfriend to pick up her birthday present. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36444

You deserved it

2801

Favorite

By heather - Canada

Today, I told my husband that I was going to get a swimsuit from the Victoria's Secret catalog. He replied, "Are you going to get the body to go with it?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

40607

You deserved it

10400

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By thatsucks4u - United States

Today, I went to a tanning salon. I guess nobody mentioned that you have to lift your fat rolls or you'll end up with weird stripes where the spray never reached. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11051

You deserved it

51029

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By Anonymous - Canada - Jansen

Today, I was talking to a girl online and she stopped talking to me abruptly after seeing my picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7212

You deserved it

760

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sackville

Today, I was sitting in the coffee shop where my boyfriend and I used to go before he broke up with me about a week ago. I was missing him and wishing he was there, when all of a sudden this 14-year-old kid comes up to me and says, "He's not coming, you may as well go home." FML

I agree, your life sucks

48552

You deserved it

6841

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By pyroman1127 - United States

Today, I gave a girl answers to a test. She said she would give me something pleasurable in return. She gave me a Twinkie, saying, "I know how much fat people love twinkies." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29013

You deserved it

39320

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By Softball - United States - Lansdale

Today, I guest-played as a catcher for a new fastpitch softball team. After the first couple of innings, the batter fouled a ball back into my catcher's mask. As a concussion test, the coach asked me what her name was. I decided to fake the concussion rather than admit that I'd forgotten her name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26134

You deserved it

5969

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By lostintellct - United States

Today, I had a hour long conversation with someone I apparently was friends with a few years ago. I couldn't remember who he was for the life of me, so I just played along. Finally, I told him I didn't remember him. He had the wrong number. I had a long conversation with a wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17194

You deserved it

51142

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By imnotacat - United States

Today, I was riding on the bus, when I felt a weird sensation on my hair. The person behind me was petting it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34901

You deserved it

3081

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By failing - United States - Greenbelt

Today, my grandpa passed away. The only emotion my dad showed was anger, because my grandpa owed my dad money. Now he wants to take it from my grandma, like he's some sort of mobster. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25295

You deserved it

1530

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By brittbrat4 - United States

Today, I was teasing my 12 year old little cousin about him liking my best friend. I guess it made him mad because he yelled "Breast cancer!" at the top of his lungs before power-punching my right boob. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21263

You deserved it

36540

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By bumpinthenight

Amityville

Today, I was painting my new house when my neighbor introduced himself. Mid-conversation, he said, "The lady who lived here was nice, but just couldn't get over her husband hanging himself in the garage. Or her son shooting himself in the basement." I'll never sleep again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1873

You deserved it

310

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By Ramis182 - United States

Today, my son thought it was a good idea to spray deodorant into his mouth because he wanted fresh breath. This resulted in him passing out. My son is 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38666

You deserved it

5988

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By Anonytard - Canada - Toronto

Today, I tried to kill a spider by throwing a shoe at it. All it did was slice the spider's egg sac open, releasing all its babies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57624

You deserved it

15070

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By Dummy

Happy Easter!

Today, I was stuck in the bathroom with no toilet paper in a family member’s house. I looked around and found baby wipes. I was saved! Unfortunately, they were actually Clorox wipes. The bleach gave me a chemical burn in my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3673

You deserved it

1391

Favorite

By Lady Douche of Asscrackington - United States - Watertown

Today, during a family dinner, my 5-year-old son excitedly told everyone that I let him use my "douche" last week. My parents glared at me in anger and horror, and only after they left did I find out that his brother had told him that's what my loofah is called. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43448

You deserved it

3542

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By bleeding - United States

Today, while I was waiting for an interview, I picked at a something I felt on my chin thinking that it was just some food. I had a good interview. Then I got into my car and looked in the mirror, and saw that I had blood smeared all over my chin. Turns out I had picked a zit. No one told me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28195

You deserved it

6566

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By Anonymous

Today, I got better phone reception crossing an inlet on a ferry than I normally do at my own house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3539

You deserved it

335

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By 909 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to Lidl to buy the cheapest jaffa cakes I could. They cost 35p. When I was eating them later on I put the plastic wrapper onto the side. When I'd finished eating my jaffa cakes I went to pick up the wrapper... The dog had eaten it. Cost me a £150 vet bill. Most expensive jaffas I've ever had. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27927

You deserved it

8512

Favorite

By destiny147 - United Kingdom

Today, I posted a picture of my boyfriend and I kissing on facebook. He untagged himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37857

You deserved it

19503

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, my cute co-worker asked if he could use my computer. I told him my password and went to the bathroom. When I came back he said he'd finished. I tried to log in, but my password wouldn't work. I then noticed a post-it note on the desk saying, "Stop stalking me and I'll change the password back." FML

I agree, your life sucks

10947

You deserved it

40961

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By K.. - 28/2/2021 14:01 - Australia

Put your foot down

Today, my boyfriend and I moved into our own house. He proceeded to invite his parents to stay for the week. The same parents we've lived with for the past 5 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1251

You deserved it

129

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By mildver - Costa Rica

First Dates

Today, I went to a date with a girl I thought liked me. We sat down at a restaurant, ordered some food and started talking. After 30 minutes, she said with a sigh of relief, "THANK GOD! There's my dad. Now I can leave. Bye, thanks for the dinner." The food hadn't even arrived yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64084

You deserved it

4550

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By badtasteinmen - United States - Beaverton

Today, I finally got the courage to leave my controlling and manipulative ex. He took it well. And by "took it well", I mean he camped out my doorstep, held some of my belongings hostage, and tried to blackmail me into staying with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26300

You deserved it

1826

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By Anonymous - Germany - Oberursel

Today, I woke up to a huge, disgusting bug next to my bed. As I tried to squish it, it suddenly flew off at high speed. Now I'm lying in bed, awake and terrified because I can hear it buzzing around but can't see it anywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42607

You deserved it

5354

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By Anonymous - United States - Lancaster

Today, I was reading erotic literature and noticed several errors in syntax, resulting in my mood being killed. I was cockblocked by my need for grammatical correctness. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28259

You deserved it

12123

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By itchybollos - Australia

Today, while grocery shopping, my Dad asked me what I wanted for 'Din-Dins' while scratching his nuts. In a crowded aisle. Wearing short shorts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33955

You deserved it

3326

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By Darth Spasticus - United States - Flower Mound

Today, my boyfriend was diagnosed with a UTI. He thought men can only get UTIs by "catching" them from a woman, so he blamed me for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22582

You deserved it

1750

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By tramrider - United Kingdom

Say cheese!

Today, I got on an empty tram and decided to sit at the back. A few minutes in, I heard a noise. Thinking it was the tram, I decided to ignore it. When I heard what sounded like a giggle, I looked around to see that it wasn't the tram, but it was some creepy middle-aged man taking photos of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30267

You deserved it

2481

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By anonomys - Canada

Today, my husband compared me to his parents' dog. Why? Because when I sleep, I fart and scare myself awake. Just like his parents' dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30202

You deserved it

10089

Favorite

By uhoh.. - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, a girl was making fun of me for being a virgin and, "never seeing a nipple". I have three. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29327

You deserved it

2990

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went online to check my credit report. My credit report says that I am deceased, and have no rating. I'm at least 90% sure that this is not true. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42723

You deserved it

2578

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ended up gashing my leg rather badly on the corner of a chair, fell to the ground with a very loud thud, and yelled "OH F*CK ME!!". I hobbled to the bathroom making more noise in the process. My neighbor came by and asked if I could "keep my sex noise to a minimum". FML

I agree, your life sucks

41580

You deserved it

7547

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - New York

Oops, I Did It Again

Today, I had to explain to my mom that the bruises I have all over my body are not due to abuse, but because I'm into really rough sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1639

You deserved it

711

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By black hoodie - United States - Shrewsbury

Today, I went for a walk. When it started pouring, I ran under the nearest tree for protection. It didn't occur to me that it might look suspicious hiding under a stranger's tree in a black hoodie, until the cops showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44071

You deserved it

5947

Favorite

By GN - United States - New York

Today, I got stopped by the fuzz. The officer told me he "could care less" about my excuses. He was probably about to let me go without a ticket, but my inner Grammar Nazi kicked in and I explained why he meant to say "couldn't care less." I got the ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9306

You deserved it

46818

Favorite

By HiddlePuff - Australia

Today, while teaching my class, I hooked my laptop up to the projector and put on a documentary. I left it playing and went to the toilet. When I came back the whole class was talking to my mother. She must've Skyped me while I was gone and someone answered the call. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36117

You deserved it

8089

Favorite

By Dalistair - United States - High Point

Today, my aunt drove to my house and screamed at me for skateboarding in her driveway and denting her car. She then ransacked my room for said skateboard so she could break it in half. My aunt lives 4 hours away. I don't own a skateboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52605

You deserved it

2791

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was helping first-graders do school work when one of them stabbed me in the face with a pencil, all because I told her that a three was backwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33185

You deserved it

3438

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Top comments

By mrhahn530 | 0

#148398 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:14

You SCRATCHED it...what the hell is with people and thinking "itch" is a verb?

By housemd1120 | 0

#148386 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:12

Hahahahahahaha that had to be a funny sight

that sucks. Maybe you should think before you scratch

COMMENTS

By housemd1120 | 0

#148386 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:12

Hahahahahahaha that had to be a funny sight

that sucks. Maybe you should think before you scratch

By mrhahn530 | 0

#148398 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:14

You SCRATCHED it...what the hell is with people and thinking "itch" is a verb?

w12345 | 2

#995122 - Sunday 16 May 2010 4:24

that is why they created the hand dryer...

purple_gurl | 1

#1066303 - Tuesday 6 July 2010 5:47

#2 ugh I know I hate it when my friends say that.

MaeeFlowers | 0

#1279387 - Saturday 21 August 2010 11:04

Haha, look on the brightside. I'm sure you brightened someones day:)

julianak | 0

#1709973 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 11:18

I thought I was the only one!! my friends say " itched" all the time an it annoys the loving crap out of me

By dearViena | 0

#148399 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:14

it happenes allllll the time

By Usernameis2lon | 0

#148401 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:15

lol

By silly_face | 0

#148402 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:15

Hmmm... maybe you should have used the hand dryers to dry it instead of walking around with a hand print on your crotch??

z0mbie_9ine | 0

#511999 - Monday 24 August 2009 22:46

That's what I was thinking, lol.

Imagine walking into the bathroom and seeing someone with their hips thrust out and drying their crotch under the hand dryer.. lmfao; cam-phones out!!

By fatality2009 | 0

#148426 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:18

Well you should've think before doing things with your dick or youre gonna end up like mychael jackson

P.S. does this makes sence? im just being random haha

woopwoopwoop | 0

#553154 - Thursday 10 September 2009 14:16

I'd be a bit more worried that she HAS a dick than that she was doing things with it, if that were the case :D

By fatfaceunited | 0

#148435 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:19

#2 itch is a verb you dumbass. I itch, you itch, he/she/it itches. learn your parts of speech you fucking moron. http://dictionary.reference.com/dic?q=itch&search=search

brandnewkey | 14

#696854 - Monday 30 November 2009 18:34

The OP was using it informally...it's not the correct way to use the word.

jdavis24 | 2

#4035825 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 23:33

Haha love it!

EverdreamOfMe | 24

#5394302 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 22:15

No need to be so hateful.

By bunnygirl | 2

#148438 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:20

#7 the proper word is actually SCRATCHES. you lose. 'itch' is an informal way of saying it which is actually not proper

MissMae93 | 23

#3384720 - Tuesday 4 October 2011 6:27

"without thinking I SCRATCHES it." Hmmm, no. That makes no sense what-so-ever. "Scratched" would be the word to use in this instance so actually, you lose.

By Eros_fml | 0

#148439 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:20

hahahah thats just awesome -- good thing water drys rather quickly

By iknow_fml | 0

#148441 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:21

lol , i love the word Moron .

Anywaays.

Ew and next time well , think twice .

: )