By maddie94 - Australia

Stained

Today, I was in a shopping center when I went to the toilet. I came out, washed my hands and suddenly got a massive itch in my crotch. Without thinking I itched it. I then had to walk around the center with a wet hand print on my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12352

You deserved it

54430

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Miscellaneous

Instadrama

And today, on Dr Phil…

Mr Sensitivity

By Anonymous - Germany

Today, there was a a huge storm. There were no buses so I walked for an hour to see my boyfriend of two years who (usually rather the unemotionally type) had called me, crying. When I got there soaking wet, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore and this makes him sad. I had to walk back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62164

You deserved it

3871

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By mrrichkid - United States

Today, my wife of four years confessed to me that she only married me for the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35917

You deserved it

3680

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By Waterer - United States - San Francisco

Today, I watered a dying communal plant. I was fined $250 for littering. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23777

You deserved it

1757

Favorite

By konens_dick - United States

Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML

I agree, your life sucks

275837

You deserved it

36922

Favorite

By Madzison - Australia

Today, I had to have a serious talk with my boyfriend about his Miley Cyrus obsession. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31914

You deserved it

4673

Favorite

By amythest - United Kingdom

Today, even though she can barely deal with raising kids, my 19-year-old sister announced her fourth pregnancy, by a fourth man, of yet another race. Why? Because she wants to "be like Angelina Jolie." I fear that social services may laugh at me if I tell them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42675

You deserved it

3128

Favorite

By mrssagdiyev - United States

Today, my husband decided to imitate Borat and shout "Very Nice! I Excite!" while having sex. He's also decided that it was ingenious and does it every single time, the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36465

You deserved it

5415

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By Nicoleanne

Today, I hosted an open house. I forgot about it and arrived as they were leaving. There were dirty dishes and laundry everywhere, and my dildo was on my dresser. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6450

You deserved it

13089

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By Anonymous - United States - Huntingtown

Smooth criminal

Today, my neighbor's son siphoned the fuel out of my lawn mower and put it in his car. What he didn't realize is that the fuel mixture I use in my lawn mower would ruin his car engine. His dad says it's my fault and actually insists I should pay his pissant son's repair bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37928

You deserved it

2105

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By airport - United States

Today, I flew to see my long distance boyfriend who I haven't seen in 6 months. Upon seeing me, he ran up to me, picked me up and swung me around like they do in the movies. In doing so, my foot hit a 4 year old child who was running past and knocked him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

83687

You deserved it

9189

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By lax22 - United States - San Francisco

Today, 30 minutes after finishing a great date with a great girl, she texted me and said, "Yeah, uh, never come near me again." FML

I agree, your life sucks

47508

You deserved it

6134

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a swim in his pool. I was hoping that the swim would be somewhat romantic, however, that came to an abrupt end when he decided that it would be cool and funny to try and lift me up by my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34542

You deserved it

4453

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By Anonymous

Today, the main cause of my recent boost in anxiety is in fact the amount of debt that going to a therapist in the first place has put me in. I guess he did help me find the main cause of my emotional issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2893

You deserved it

415

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By ANON - United Kingdom - London

Today, I visited my Aunt in hospital. Another patient got jealous, so she threw a tantrum. She threw things at us, pulled her drip out, threw herself to the floor, screamed, pounded the floor with her fists and pissed herself. My aunt is still waiting for a new room, and the staff blame me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13653

You deserved it

759

Favorite

By underachiever - Australia

Today, while on my graveyard shift at an inner-city backpackers lodge, a drunk pissed in a dorm at 4am. I had to clean up after him, wash all the luggage that got dowsed, clean up 2 separate piles of puke, and help 3 drunken Brits back to their room while they abused me. I have a science degree. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29914

You deserved it

3908

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, my sink seemed to be filling up with dirty water. Concerned, I turned on the garbage disposal and plunged away. With no change in the water levels, I called a plumber. He reached in, pulled out the drain plug, and give me his bill while chuckling to himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12057

You deserved it

45039

Favorite

By Female - Australia - Elsternwick

Today, the police arrived at my door, telling me my child had been caught vandalizing. A boy who looked about 15 hugged me and said, "Hey, mum". I'm only 26 years old and had never seen this boy in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43731

You deserved it

2802

Favorite

By Mitcha857 - United States

Today, I had my back waxed to deal with the uncontrollable hair growth. Afterwards, I broke out in numerous pimples where the hair used to be. Basically, a lose-lose situation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31701

You deserved it

3850

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, what started with me forcing a shit a little too hard ended up with me being rushed to the hospital with appendicitis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31424

You deserved it

2875

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By missmom83 - United States - Torrington

Today, my toddler found my daughter's recorder from 3rd grade and figured out how to play the highest pitch note. Of course, my daughter pulls out her trombone to have a jam session. And I'm out of ibuprofen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41001

You deserved it

5465

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By nothowitworks - United States

Today, I was grounded for allegedly lying to my parents about being at my friend's house, in her outdoor hot tub. Apparently, my parents couldn't find me on Google Earth. I can't convince them that it's not actually a live feed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5743

You deserved it

319

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By Anonymous - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I gave my 5-year-old daughter a unicorn pillow pet. She ended up giving him an ill-advised name, and has been loudly proclaiming to everyone she sees that her pillow pet is Horny. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36733

You deserved it

4883

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By Dog Person Now

Today, I came home to find that my sweet kitten had gotten out and dragged a bird inside, where he ripped it to shreds. I found the bird's head in my underwear drawer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3650

You deserved it

480

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By Anonymous - United States - Waldorf

Today, my girlfriend found out you can use food coloring in anything. Everything she cooks is now in bright neon colors. I feel like I'm in a Dr Seuss book. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37581

You deserved it

6146

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while driving home, I was so lonely I turned on my GPS, even though I knew the way, so it would feel like I had someone to talk to. It made me feel better. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38602

You deserved it

6779

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was watching the show "Sixteen and Pregnant". I started bawling when the girl's dirtbag boyfriend proposed to her with a $20 ring he bought from Walmart because I was so lonely and was jealous of her "romantic relationship". FML

I agree, your life sucks

30139

You deserved it

12733

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I told my morbidly obese teacher that he had mustard on his chin. He tried to wipe it off and I said without thinking "No, your other chin." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40285

You deserved it

101027

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By emilyupsidedown - United States

Today, I got a popcorn kernel stuck in my throat. It was quite irritating so thought I could get it out with my finger. Good thing, the kernel is gone. Bad thing, I now have the rest of my lunch on my shirt as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8001

You deserved it

31663

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep. She said she was too tired to fake it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32369

You deserved it

9506

Favorite

By Mike - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

100641

You deserved it

7630

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By hunting7waves - United States - Des Moines

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years told me he had a surprise for me at midnight. I stayed up all night, not hearing from him. Finally I get a notification. Apparently, my midnight surprise is that I'm single. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29603

You deserved it

1873

Favorite

By adad - France

Today, I was walking by a pond when I saw a small frog. I decided to catch it to get a close look. After I picked it up, I realized that it was not a frog. It was dog shit shaped like a frog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13785

You deserved it

37915

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/12/2020 16:58 - United States - Rockaway Park

Wedding of the year

Today, I dreamed that I got so nervous during a toast at my friend's wedding that I pissed myself. To coax myself to wake up, I took off my dress, stripped down to my underwear, and pinched myself. I wasn't dreaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks

366

You deserved it

967

Favorite

By Anonymous

Second time

Today, I woke up with a rash on my face after just getting over a bad cold. I was told by the doctor that it was a staph infection spread by wearing a face mask. The face mask I wore so people wouldn’t catch the cold from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1910

You deserved it

287

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Gorey

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work early and pay a little visit to the pub. I ended up staggering home, drunkenly making myself a nacho cheese dorito milkshake with the blender, then promptly puked my guts out all over the kitchen table. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5887

You deserved it

45364

Favorite

By citylife - United States

Today, I realized how tiny my apartment is, when I was able to vacuum from bedroom to bathroom through the living room without switching the power outlet from the one in the kitchen. I pay a fortune to live in this shoebox. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46616

You deserved it

10027

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 02:01

Unmissable

Today, I returned to work after testing out my theory yesterday that absolutely nobody would notice or care if I just did not show up. So far so good. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1003

You deserved it

148

Favorite

By anonymous - 3/5/2020 05:00

The Hulk

Today, I found out that my $1000 anger management course had no effect on me when I smashed a picture frame. Why? I had run out of toothpaste. FML

I agree, your life sucks

642

You deserved it

1582

Favorite

By SkipBeatOtaku - 16/5/2020 20:00

A load of hot air

Today, I was having hot sex with my boyfriend. Then, I felt a puff of air hit my face and a rancid smell. My dog had farted in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1521

You deserved it

627

Favorite

By Scotty - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I met someone who works in radio advertising. Making conversation, I described an ad that I can't stand. He wrote it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41894

You deserved it

9913

Favorite

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Top comments

By mrhahn530 | 0

#148398 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:14

You SCRATCHED it...what the hell is with people and thinking "itch" is a verb?

By housemd1120 | 0

#148386 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:12

Hahahahahahaha that had to be a funny sight

that sucks. Maybe you should think before you scratch

COMMENTS

By housemd1120 | 0

#148386 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:12

Hahahahahahaha that had to be a funny sight

that sucks. Maybe you should think before you scratch

By mrhahn530 | 0

#148398 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:14

You SCRATCHED it...what the hell is with people and thinking "itch" is a verb?

w12345 | 2

#995122 - Sunday 16 May 2010 4:24

that is why they created the hand dryer...

purple_gurl | 1

#1066303 - Tuesday 6 July 2010 5:47

#2 ugh I know I hate it when my friends say that.

MaeeFlowers | 0

#1279387 - Saturday 21 August 2010 11:04

Haha, look on the brightside. I'm sure you brightened someones day:)

julianak | 0

#1709973 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 11:18

I thought I was the only one!! my friends say " itched" all the time an it annoys the loving crap out of me

By dearViena | 0

#148399 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:14

it happenes allllll the time

By Usernameis2lon | 0

#148401 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:15

lol

By silly_face | 0

#148402 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:15

Hmmm... maybe you should have used the hand dryers to dry it instead of walking around with a hand print on your crotch??

z0mbie_9ine | 0

#511999 - Monday 24 August 2009 22:46

That's what I was thinking, lol.

Imagine walking into the bathroom and seeing someone with their hips thrust out and drying their crotch under the hand dryer.. lmfao; cam-phones out!!

By fatality2009 | 0

#148426 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:18

Well you should've think before doing things with your dick or youre gonna end up like mychael jackson

P.S. does this makes sence? im just being random haha

woopwoopwoop | 0

#553154 - Thursday 10 September 2009 14:16

I'd be a bit more worried that she HAS a dick than that she was doing things with it, if that were the case :D

By fatfaceunited | 0

#148435 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:19

#2 itch is a verb you dumbass. I itch, you itch, he/she/it itches. learn your parts of speech you fucking moron. http://dictionary.reference.com/dic?q=itch&search=search

brandnewkey | 14

#696854 - Monday 30 November 2009 18:34

The OP was using it informally...it's not the correct way to use the word.

jdavis24 | 2

#4035825 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 23:33

Haha love it!

EverdreamOfMe | 24

#5394302 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 22:15

No need to be so hateful.

By bunnygirl | 2

#148438 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:20

#7 the proper word is actually SCRATCHES. you lose. 'itch' is an informal way of saying it which is actually not proper

MissMae93 | 23

#3384720 - Tuesday 4 October 2011 6:27

"without thinking I SCRATCHES it." Hmmm, no. That makes no sense what-so-ever. "Scratched" would be the word to use in this instance so actually, you lose.

By Eros_fml | 0

#148439 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:20

hahahah thats just awesome -- good thing water drys rather quickly

By iknow_fml | 0

#148441 - Monday 27 April 2009 21:21

lol , i love the word Moron .

Anywaays.

Ew and next time well , think twice .

: )