Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my lips were dry and chapped, so I asked if I could use some of my friend's chapstick. She didn't mind, so I quickly put some on. Only later did I notice that my lips were sparkly. Turns out it was glitter balm. Now everyone calls me "princess." FML
Today, I sparkled because of this glitter bar my mother got me from Lush. I didn't realize until after I got out of the shower that it wasn't just ordinary soap. I tried to wipe off the glitter. It wouldn't come off. FML
Today, I was really badly sunburnt, so I put on some after-sun. The only type we have has glitter in it, and now I look like a sparkling tomato. FML
Today, I was helping a friend with a DIY project and thought it would be fun to add some glitter to the mix. We ended up using WAY too much, and now I have glitter everywhere. Not only am I covered head to toe, but I keep finding it in the weirdest places, like inside my shoes, on my phone, and even in my coffee cup. FML
Today, someone put a whole packet of glitter on the blades of my ceiling fan. Too bad I only noticed when I turned it on. FML
Today, well, last night, I told my girlfriend that I'm a light sleeper, and that the slightest disturbance will wake me up. As a result, this morning when I looked in the mirror I noticed a bunch of stuff written all over my body, like "You see, you didn't wake up!", "Nor now!". FML
Today, I awoke to make-up all over my face and nail polish on my hands and feet because my daughter wanted "daddy to look pretty." I have a job interview in an hour and none of it is coming off. FML
Today, I woke up after a long night of partying. When I went to wash off my face, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My missing tooth was almost enough to make me overlook my black eye. FML
Today, it was picture day and I had gotten my hair really nice and my outfit was perfect. Then, disaster: I was fidgeting with those squishy things filled with water and glitter, and it suddenly exploded. One second I'm playing with it, the next it's exploded all over my face. It's safe to say I truly shined in that picture. FML
Today, I went to a concert. Knowing these concerts usually include a lot of black lights, I decided to wear a black T-shirt so I wouldn't glow. I was having a good time, but about halfway through I noticed someone pointing to my shoulder. I looked down to see my dandruff glowing. FML
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Top comments
aaaaa2p 0
Your wife sucks.
TheLoneWolf87 4
We seriously need a Who Gives A Damn About Twilight feature on FML.
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Comments (322)
Skyline969 1
Definitely grounds for a divorce IMO. Maybe not realistically, but that's downright creepy. Here's what to do - give her a water bra that'll bring her chest up to about a D, and tell her you just want her to be more like Pamela Anderson. Ahh, revenge. =P
Ashimali 0
you know, i normally wouldn't condone something like that, but in this case i think its completely necessary, if for no other reason than to get your point across
i_luv_cheese 0
wtf did you marry an early-mid teenage girl?
equinoxe_fml 2
AWESOME.
Matchie 0
I think we need to shut up about Twilight. There are thousands of Twilight fans. This fact will not go away no matter how much you hate Twilight. There will always be someone who likes Twilight, and rightfully so. If a 14 year old girl, or a 28 year old guy for that matter, likes Twilight, what gives you the right to try and spoil that for them? Wouldn't it piss you off if your favorite book/movie/song/whatever was constantly being torn down? Yeah it would, assholes. :]
BaghdadAssUp 0
Too bad our favorite book/movie/ whatever, ****, etc isn't as bad as Twilight where we would need to glitter our boyfriend/husband's face to make them sparkle.
DameGreyWulf 1
Seriously. I like Jurassic Park, an actually INTELLIGENT book, and I'm not about to dress any partner up like a god damn t-rex ... oh **** now I've gone and got ideas. Oh no wait it's more funny than sexy, nevermind.
FerrariCake 2
#46... no one is actually ripping on "Twilight". Rational people rip on the stupid things that Twilight "fans" do because they can't tell the difference between reality and the obviously fictional world presented in the book. None of these FMLs or the accompanying comments are about the characters or events in the books (or movies)... they are all about the stupid things people do in their effort to bring the fantasy story into reality. I'm sure the author of the series would rip on the same "Twilight fans", but she's keeping quiet because she's making millions off of them. ps... Gladiator is one of my favorite movies, but I'm not trying to dress anyone up like a Roman gladiator. And you can rip on it all you like. I don't care, it's just a movie.
DameGreyWulf 1
There's a little saying that goes... "You can hardly call yourself a fan if you can't joke about your fandom."
KarmaLanding 0
Hell with t-rexes... VELOCIRAPTORS, BABY!!!!
Sapphy 0
wow... I would be pissed. and what the hell.. I thought only middle school kids were retarded enough to like twilight... the only thing that looked good was for the movie new moon. the wolves look so amazing that in a way it actually pissed me off. it pissed me off because something that looked so cool was in something so stupid. and usually animated wolves look like crap. and TRUE VAMPIRES DONT ******* SPARKLE *rawwr*
picturetaker 0
I read twilight and I didn't take it seriously. it's a book with fictional characters. I also love owl city and the postal service.
aback 5
Offer to duct tape her boobs together so she'll have cleavage like a **** queen.
fagtastic_iva 5
really sucks to be you dude. If she does it again, consider divorce
cleovany 0
I love Edward and Jacob, but your wife is going just a little too far. O.o Creeepy. :P
DeathByFalchion 0
Now you have reason to bite her and make her bleed. Go do it.