Today, I had to pick my parents up from the hospital and drive...

By oppafucktardstyle - 14/10/2012 20:36 - United States - Waterloo

Today, I had to pick my parents up from the hospital and drive them back home, after they were treated for eating large amounts of cheese that my dad claimed to have "aged" for several years. FML

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Health

Great boyfriend

Ghosted

Live dumping

By awkward drunk - 29/1/2011 12:40 - Canada

Today, while trying to act sober in front of my parents when I got home, I threw up on my mom's shoe. FML

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By howtobreakup - 11/4/2016 16:39 - United Kingdom - Worthing

Today, my friend asked me for advice on how to break up with her boyfriend. I've never done it before so I googled it, my own boyfriend happened to walk in and now isn't speaking to me. He won't believe me when I say it was "for a friend." FML

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By Ban Hammered - 25/5/2016 10:35 - United States - New York

Today, I babysat my neighbor's twin 4-year-old girls again. When I took them out for lunch, they apparently had been addressing themselves as "my bitches", taught to them by their devil spawn 13-year-old brother. Everyone, including Chuck E. Cheese himself, was not pleased. FML

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By graphite01 - 1/11/2016 04:08 - United States - Eugene

Today, I found out that I was never actually enrolled in the class I've been attending all semester. I guess that explains why I only got $400 dollars in student aid, not the 1,200 they said I'd get. FML

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By laundry day again... - 8/9/2013 13:07 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, who has frequent night terrors, also sleepwalks. And apparently sleep-pisses on the bathroom rug. FML

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By homealone - 14/12/2016 23:27 - United States - Poughkeepsie

Today, after a long day at work, I fell asleep in my living room. When I woke up, I saw a man leaving my bedroom wearing my pajamas, and I started screaming as he casually left. The cops came and apparently he's mentally ill. He truly believed it was his house. FML

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By Fmycar - 26/9/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, my football team played in a game against our rival school that was just a few blocks away. We hadn't lost the game in exactly 49 years, we were playing for the 50th year win. We lost 63-0, and got booed off the field by our own crowd. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2016 20:13 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I forgot an important book for school, because I dreamt that I was putting it in my bag. My brain somehow classified it as reality. This isn't the first time my dreams have trolled me. FML

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By wlisy - 30/9/2019 18:00

Drugged?

Today, I went to spend time with friends. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in my bed with several blocked contacts and text messages, saying that what I did was unacceptable. No drugs or alcohol were involved, and I have no memory of this. FML

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By kevdev - 9/9/2010 19:58 - United States

Today, I received an email from an ex who I haven't heard from in two years. Excited that it might be her asking if we could meet up, I opened it. It was a virus. FML

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By lp525252 - 20/3/2013 10:59 - Australia - Miranda

Today, a guy left flowers on my doorstep. I got home to find my dad claiming he bought them for my mum. I told my parents they were mine, they laughed in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2020 17:00

Fish and chips is life

Today, my husband had his hands full with the shopping, so I was carrying the baby and the bag with our takeaway in it. I tripped down the steps and fell over. Did my husband ask if I or the baby were OK? Nope. But he did ask if I’d squashed his fish and chips. FML

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By trashcanned - 6/4/2009 11:47 - United States

Today, it was really windy and rainy causing me to trip and knock into a little kid. While still gathering myself, I apologized and patted the kid on its' head. Then I see people around me starting to laugh. I turn and look at the kid, and discover I've been interacting with a trash can. FML

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By neverhealthy - 1/10/2019 02:01

Which toppings?

Today, I read that food cravings are only supposed to last a couple of minutes. I have been craving and dreaming about pizza for a month straight, and the urge is only getting stronger. FML

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By justpeachy - 8/3/2010 20:27 - United States

Today, I was invited by my boyfriend's parents for dinner at their house. The dinner went well I thought, until I was getting ready to leave. Before I could make it out the front door, I could hear them discussing their disappointment that their son would ever consider someone like me. FML

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By horribledriver - 1/12/2009 22:48 - United States

Today, I was driving down a highway during rush-hour. I heard my phone ring and couldn't find it. I bent down to feel around for it and got in an accident and totaled my car. The ringing? A commercial on the radio. Where was my phone? On my dresser at home. FML

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By pissed - 7/7/2016 18:39

Today, I got offered an interview for a job after months of unemployment. It's a 3-month contract 3 hours away from where we live. My boyfriend's reaction was to tell me to move out and take our hamster with me. FML

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By 081013 - 2/3/2013 07:23 - United States - Columbus

Today, I came home to find my fiancé trying to do laundry. His version was "rubbing the smelly spots with baby powder". Looks like I'll be the only one doing laundry for the rest of our lives. FML

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By jonhapimp - 21/8/2009 20:44 - United States

Today, I found out that my Mom had taken out a loan out on my car from the repo man taking my car away. FML

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By wrongtarget - 21/10/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, I got chewed out at work when my supervisor showed up, because my coworkers told my supervisor they couldn't find me for an hour and a half. Why couldn't they find me? Because they'd left to go get coffee. FML

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By tattooed - 30/11/2010 15:50 - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend told me one of the main reasons he started dating me was because I have the same name as his ex, whose name he has tattooed on his back. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2012 13:38 - United States - Hudson Falls

Today, I woke up to my drunk great grandfather peeing on my cat and thinking it was absolutely hysterical. This isn't the first time and he just moved in with me for the next six weeks. FML

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By x0SoReckless0x - 16/11/2009 11:39 - United States

Today, some obnoxious guys started calling me ugly. I tried to ignore them and be the bigger person. That's pretty hard to do when they start throwing rocks at you. FML

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By FereldonBorn - 1/10/2015 10:41 - United States - Roseville

Today, my dog was all over me, and I couldn't help but notice she kept sniffing towards my boobs. Turns out, she wasn't there to get love from me. She was there for a piece of food that I didn't notice had fallen in my bra. FML

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By no no no - 23/7/2017 20:00 - United States - Simi Valley

Game of Nope

Today, while watching Game of Thrones, my boyfriend remarked that he doesn't think that "sibling incest is a big deal" and doesn't "get why it's illegal." He has 2 sisters. FML

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By rukus - 16/6/2009 03:25 - Canada

Today, I was was leaving the library when I noticed an elderly woman being mugged. I was about to leave on my bike, but promptly went to help her. After I managed to scare off the mugger, I helped her to her car. As I was heading back to my bike, I notice the mugger riding off on it. FML

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By Harry - 20/7/2011 07:40 - United States

Today, I got a call from a man yelling and cursing at me, calling me a "selfish no-life asshole" for getting his "baby girl" pregnant. I'm 29 and she is 27 and we have been married for 3 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2012 19:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to be treated for chemical burns, because my mother got the bright idea of using paint thinner to clean me up after I'd painted our living room. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2017 09:13

Today, my music students began a lively debate about whether or not a music stand would make a good weapon for the zombie apocalypse. What am I teaching them? FML

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By wow - 9/8/2011 04:01 - United States

Today, I was getting my picture taken. The woman taking it told me to smile, so I did, showing my teeth. She said, "Please, be serious about this." Slightly offended, I smiled with my mouth closed. She then said, "If you can't be serious, we won't do this." FML

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By Noname - 3/2/2009 02:36 - United States

Today, I sent a guy that I like a lot a picture of myself, I got all dressed up sexy and did my make-up. He sent me a reply saying "your cat is fat". FML

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By thisguy - 8/10/2013 09:55 - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating because according to him, our child does not have his hair color, eye color, or other facial features. Our son is five days old, bald and hasn't opened his eyes much. The closest thing I can probably compare him to is an old, wrinkly potato. FML

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By Nearly Crashed - 27/5/2013 13:42 - United States - Lake Hiawatha

Today, on my way home on my motorbike from a great party in the early hours of the morning, I was feeling pretty good about myself. Riding over a hill, I yawned in anticipation of climbing into bed. A huge winged bastard insect thing then flew straight into my throat. FML

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By - 10/2/2020 01:00

Where it is?

Today, my girlfriend and I were doing the deed when she suddenly said, "Hold on babe, I think my nose ring fell out." After she couldn't find it for a minute, she said "I'm sure it's on the bed somewhere." Immediately after that, she yelled, "OH MY GOD I JUST SWALLOWED IT." FML

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By BloodyHorror - 11/7/2019 22:00

Today, the blood from some defrosted steak dripped under my fridge where I couldn't see it. One insanely hot day later, and my whole house smells like it has its period. FML

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By alltern8ive - 9/11/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to be romantic by dipping me backwards and kissing me. He dropped me on my butt and stepped on my hand while trying to help me up. FML

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By cyantist - 23/1/2009 08:24 - United States

Today, I'm sick. I got the flu shot for the first time ever this year and for the first time in my life, I have the flu. FML

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By boom - 17/3/2011 21:26 - United States

Today, my crush gave me a ride home. When I opened the door to get out, he switched the gear to reverse, thinking the car was in park. I got run over by the car door. FML

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By etsl - 26/10/2008 12:07 - France

Today, I've learnt that the girl I love thinks I'm gay. To be honest, I'm having doubts too. FML

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By Pissssd - 31/8/2009 01:56 - United States

Today, I interviewed for a job at a pharmaceutical lab. During the interview, I said something about a past work experience that made the interviewers think that I would enjoy doing something similar to that... so they gave me a warehouse job instead. I have a degree in chemistry and biology. FML

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Top comments

By TorturedXeno | 27

#5043645 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:29

Mold - yummyyyyyy! Extra fiber!

By winnerme123 | 8

#5043677 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:32

Cheese will only age without being unhealthy to eat under strict conditions.

COMMENTS

By secretsymbiote21 | 5

#5043642 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:29

how old are they again? haha

geon_olam | 17

#5043701 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:34

Old enough to know better. But then again, almost everyone is.

PleaseStayChill | 9

#5043836 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:59

However old they are, I'm surprised they lived long enough to have a kid.

GirlYouNasty | 11

#5043915 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:19

Considering the fact that they have a child capable of driving them home from the hospital, I'd say they're pretty old.

However, it's often true that maturity can't be judged by age...

jojimugo | 20

#5043943 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:28

Apparently sarcasm is not appreciated on FML...

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5044038 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:56

Us fmlers condone sarcasm, we however do not condone stupid comments. Not saying 1's comment was stupid but it could have at least been mildly amusing.

evilplatypus | 38

#5044353 - Monday 15 October 2012 7:10

30 - Just because something is sarcastic, does not mean it is funny, witty, clever, interesting, insightful, etc.

timjones | 8

#5044379 - Monday 15 October 2012 7:27

Did no one else read OP's name?

falloutboy97 | 16

#5045107 - Monday 15 October 2012 15:39

I did, and I love it. xD

By TorturedXeno | 27

#5043645 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:29

Mold - yummyyyyyy! Extra fiber!

HowAreYouToday | 34

#5043883 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:11

And human meat has a lot of protein.

I mean... Uh... Yeah! Mold! Wooooo!

scrappy23 | 4

#5043977 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:37

26, No that's a little too far.

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5043997 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:43

No, Venus is far!

graffitied_love | 20

#5044003 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:46

Its safe to say if theres mold on your food, don't eat it. You might not get sick, but its not worth the risk

PiaMiaPerez | 1

#5044086 - Monday 15 October 2012 5:11

Hahaha good one.

sens3sfailing | 24

#5044105 - Monday 15 October 2012 5:18

33-oh c'mon! Wouldn't you say that joke is a little too cheesy?

ahunter97 | 3

#5044189 - Monday 15 October 2012 5:52

Cheese is mold!

lexi365 | 20

#5044403 - Monday 15 October 2012 8:05

More hospital bills! Yay!

DaBoogiemonsta | 5

#5045400 - Monday 15 October 2012 17:07

47- moldy cream* or milk... I'm not sure

i_lik_tomaters | 21

#6315040 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 6:36

Not as far as pluto

By LexieWins | 0

#5043648 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:29

How sophisticated.

ICastillo | 24

#5043980 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:38

I like my women like I like my cheese sweating, yellow and moldy... Wait that's not how it goes

liv_graham | 7

#5044267 - Monday 15 October 2012 6:20

Very classy. I wonder if the had 20 year old grape juice too.

I_lost_the_game | 25

#5082659 - Friday 26 October 2012 2:39

48- Words cannot describe the amount of what the fuckery that went through my mind when I read your comment.

By Posthuman | 26

#5043671 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:31

Was he saving it from since he was a boy?

flutter4 | 7

#5043693 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:33

Just for several years

By flutter4 | 7

#5043672 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:31

The green color of the cheese would turn me away

Psych101 | 9

#5043710 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:36

You don't like green cheese?! Then what do you eat with your green eggs and ham?

flutter4 | 7

#5043783 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:46

Lol true I forgot about my green eggs and ham :)

gc327072 | 29

#5044027 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:51

Sorry if I'm thread jacking, but OP's name is freaking awesome.

Snoopy0718 | 14

#5044036 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:55

That's why you write a comment instead of a reply.

By winnerme123 | 8

#5043677 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:32

Cheese will only age without being unhealthy to eat under strict conditions.

TorturedXeno | 27

#5043717 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:36

Hey, he's gotta start somewhere. Can't expect him to get it perfect the first time, right? :D

By person961 | 9

#5043685 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:32

That's my favorite type of cheese, I like when it's fuzzy too.

By maddygirl820 | 10

#5043690 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:33

Um ew

By emeraldisle | 30

#5043694 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:34

The stench from the cheese didn't tip them off that something might be wrong?

syki | 22

#5044128 - Monday 15 October 2012 5:24

It wouldn't, as a lot of what are considered the best cheeses don't smell so great.

By lexxiii | 17

#5043705 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:35

If they were trying to make homemade blue cheese, I'm pretty sure they're doing it wrong.

datoismyname | 22

#5043818 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:54

That is a creepy-ass eye you got there.

unsuccesfulmastu | 4

#5044299 - Monday 15 October 2012 6:39

I think it's sexy, it reminds me of 28 days later. Mmmm do I love zombie chicks ;)