Health: Today, I had to pick my parents up from the hospital and drive...

By oppafucktardstyle - United States - Waterloo

Today, I had to pick my parents up from the hospital and drive them back home, after they were treated for eating large amounts of cheese that my dad claimed to have "aged" for several years. FML

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Health

Sorry…

And today, on Dr Phil…

Dog whisperer

By macattack - United States

Today, I was in my car with my window down at a red light. Outside, a sweet old lady was sitting on a bench with her dog sleeping next to her. I yelled out the window to tell her how cute her dog was. She replied, "He's dead" and cried. FML

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By Sudokori

Today, my coworker paid me back the $15 I let him borrow and we shook hands. Later, I was called into my boss's office, where he threatened to fire me for doing a drug deal in front of customers. The police are getting involved. FML

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By DarkDisaster - United States

Today, my cat had the greatest idea ever: hide inside our Christmas tree and attack anyone who walks past. It would have come as extremely funny to me if I hadn't been her first victim. FML

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By bbt

Today, out of the 35 people invited, only one person showed up to my bridal shower. It was my grandma. FML

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By breathexali - United States

Today, I had to get bloodwork done. I'm deathly afraid of needles. The whole lobby heard me scream as soon as the nurse said 'hello'. FML

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By moe472 - United States

Today, my boss fired me because I look like her ex-boyfriend. FML

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By MamaMia

Today, I realized it isn’t my 5-month-old son who has the issue sleeping without me, it is I who cannot sleep without him. This is his first night in his crib and I can’t fall asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was working at the hospital front desk when an elderly man started hurling racial slurs at another visitor. A fight broke out, so I stepped in and forcibly separated the two. The old man tripped and crashed to the floor. Now I'm under investigation for "contributing to workplace violence." FML

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By robbed - United States

Today, I realized I was happy because we finally started having friends come visit us after months of not having company. I also realized that our secret stash of money was stolen last night while we had company. FML

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By JustAmirage

Today, it was my first day at work. They had me a large tray with lots of food on it, even after I told them I wasn’t comfortable carrying it. I hit the door on the way out of the kitchen, spilling everything on the tray, breaking 2 soup bowls and 3 salad plates. FML

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By what.

Tunnel vision

Today, my boyfriend said that no, I'm not allowed to get glasses and then accused me of wanting to see other men. No, I just want to see. FML

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By "Bianka05"

Today, after being on vacation for a week, my alarm sounded early in the morning. It scared me so badly I peed myself. FML

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By van no gough - United States - Springfield

Today, I went out with two friends for lunch. The van we took ran out of fuel, so we pushed it to a nearby gas station, a gas station suffering from a gas shortage. FML

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By Sadasian - United States

Today, my mom and dad were arguing. It started getting really heated, so I tried to go break it up. But within a couple of minutes, my mom wanted to make a statement by throwing a plate to the ground, forgetting I was beside her. I now have a throbbing foot with shards of glass in it. FML

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By Telley21 - United States - Rexburg

He had to find out eventually!

Today, I made my boyfriend a beautiful dinner of seafood and rice. This was the first time I could afford lobster, and thought it would be a great treat for us both. I learned that this was the first time he has eaten lobster, and he learned that he is allergic. FML

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By n - United States

Today, my boyfriend made me breakfast because I had a cold. Because my nose was so stuffed, I couldn't tell that our milk had gone bad. I had two cups. And now I'm stuck on the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous

Checked out

Today, at work, an old lady was staring at my crotch a lot. I looked down, thinking maybe I had an open fly. I didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 20:01

Disappointed

Today, my phone received a text which rarely happens. While getting my phone, I stubbed my toe, just to see a message from a telemarketer. Now my toe hurts and I didn’t even want what they were selling. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 11:03 - United States - Fairfax

The jury's out on this one

Today, I start my second week of jury duty. I was only supposed to do one week of jury duty and then go on a week of a pre-paid vacation. Instead, I’m required to go back to court this week, I’m spending my evenings doing my regular job, and I lost nearly $1,000 that I pre-paid for lodging. FML

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By spaceforrent - United States

Today, I came home to find that my girlfriend had repainted my bedroom. As she had offered to do it, it shouldn't have been a problem. However, she decided to return the several unopened cans of off-white paint that I'd bought for something "more neutral." Like "Sunset Orange." FML

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By Viridian - United States

Today, I gave a big presentation at work. The manager decided to video tape it. I went through my presentation with ease and was confident I did a good job. My confidence was then lowered after watching the tape. Apparently, my boobs are much more interesting than what I had to say. FML

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By yarenis - United States - Gardner

Today, like every day since I was born, my name is Yarenis, pronounced "ja-ra-nees. For some reason, everybody pronounce it "your anus". FML

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By Miss_Kristen - United States

Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML

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By Jane - Australia

Today, at the point of orgasm, my boyfriend screamed out, "Is this all there is?!" then rolled over and stared blankly at the ceiling without speaking for ages. This happens a lot. FML

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By Microtron - United States - Oxford

Today, a friend sent me a song. I didn't have time to listen to it all, so I listened to the first 30 seconds of it to get a feel for it. It was nice and uplifting, so I sent it to my mom. Turns out, after the first 30 seconds, the singer brightens his day by singing about his enormous penis. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, the guy I've been dating told me with a wink that before he'll go on any more dates, he'd require me to take a series of "oral exams" to prove I'm right for him. I think he actually expected that to work. NEXT. FML

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By ash - United States

Today, I had to admit that I'm an alcoholic when I spent my last dollar bills on Southern Comfort instead of tampons. FML

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By lindsaykay - United States

Today, I had to put one of my preschool students in timeout for masturbating during nap time. FML

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By 00anon00 - 2/7/2020 02:01

Animalistic

Today, I was fired from my local animal shelter. I was a volunteer and am currently in school for veterinary technology. My education made the paid staff at the shelter feel threatened. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after house sitting for my neighbor, I realized that he has a camera pointed at my pool. FML

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By pirsquared - United States

Today, I had to Google how to find the area of a circle. I'm working on my PhD in engineering. FML

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By assgoblins piss me off - Canada - Camrose

Today, I turned in my best painting yet for a scholarship competition. For once in my life, I was actually proud of a piece I'd done. I ended up losing the scholarship to some dickface who'd basically just glued together some crap from the dollar store and called it conceptual art. FML

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By gretel - Australia

Today, I'd finally reached my goal weight. I went into the office where my husband was, to show him the new size 8 jeans I'd bought. He responded with "I wouldn't buy any more clothes, you'll be putting the weight back on again soon." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, a classmate at college accused me of stalking her. All because I walked past her house. I was walking to the supermarket. FML

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By phlox_fml - 30/5/2020 08:00

Hammocking yourself

Today, I fell backwards out of my hammock, busting my shoulder. This weekend, I broke my toe falling out of it. I've used hammocks my entire life, but have become apparently unable to during the lockdown. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 00:30

Letting go

Today, my dad muttered something about the snow in Texas being fake, caused by 5G. I didn't take the bait, because it made a change from natural disasters being caused by my "homosexual life choices." FML

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By mrboston - United States

Today, my college roommate whom I've never met moved in. Good thing I wasn't completely naked, playing with myself on the couch when he walked in. That would've been awkward. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I picked the treadmill next to an old man so I could feel better about myself. He ran faster and longer than I did. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had an allergic reaction to my deodorant. My armpits wouldn't stop itching, and by the time my shift was over, they were raw and bloody. FML

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By babygirllxo - Canada

Today, I slipped on the wet floor at work and sprained my wrist badly. I was carrying the wet floor sign so no one would slip. FML

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Top comments

By TorturedXeno | 27

#5043645 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:29

Mold - yummyyyyyy! Extra fiber!

By winnerme123 | 8

#5043677 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:32

Cheese will only age without being unhealthy to eat under strict conditions.

COMMENTS

By secretsymbiote21 | 5

#5043642 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:29

how old are they again? haha

geon_olam | 17

#5043701 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:34

Old enough to know better. But then again, almost everyone is.

PleaseStayChill | 9

#5043836 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:59

However old they are, I'm surprised they lived long enough to have a kid.

GirlYouNasty | 11

#5043915 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:19

Considering the fact that they have a child capable of driving them home from the hospital, I'd say they're pretty old.

However, it's often true that maturity can't be judged by age...

jojimugo | 20

#5043943 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:28

Apparently sarcasm is not appreciated on FML...

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5044038 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:56

Us fmlers condone sarcasm, we however do not condone stupid comments. Not saying 1's comment was stupid but it could have at least been mildly amusing.

evilplatypus | 38

#5044353 - Monday 15 October 2012 7:10

30 - Just because something is sarcastic, does not mean it is funny, witty, clever, interesting, insightful, etc.

timjones | 8

#5044379 - Monday 15 October 2012 7:27

Did no one else read OP's name?

falloutboy97 | 16

#5045107 - Monday 15 October 2012 15:39

I did, and I love it. xD

By TorturedXeno | 27

#5043645 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:29

Mold - yummyyyyyy! Extra fiber!

HowAreYouToday | 34

#5043883 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:11

And human meat has a lot of protein.

I mean... Uh... Yeah! Mold! Wooooo!

scrappy23 | 4

#5043977 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:37

26, No that's a little too far.

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5043997 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:43

No, Venus is far!

graffitied_love | 20

#5044003 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:46

Its safe to say if theres mold on your food, don't eat it. You might not get sick, but its not worth the risk

PiaMiaPerez | 1

#5044086 - Monday 15 October 2012 5:11

Hahaha good one.

sens3sfailing | 24

#5044105 - Monday 15 October 2012 5:18

33-oh c'mon! Wouldn't you say that joke is a little too cheesy?

ahunter97 | 3

#5044189 - Monday 15 October 2012 5:52

Cheese is mold!

lexi365 | 20

#5044403 - Monday 15 October 2012 8:05

More hospital bills! Yay!

DaBoogiemonsta | 5

#5045400 - Monday 15 October 2012 17:07

47- moldy cream* or milk... I'm not sure

i_lik_tomaters | 21

#6315040 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 6:36

Not as far as pluto

By LexieWins | 0

#5043648 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:29

How sophisticated.

ICastillo | 24

#5043980 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:38

I like my women like I like my cheese sweating, yellow and moldy... Wait that's not how it goes

liv_graham | 7

#5044267 - Monday 15 October 2012 6:20

Very classy. I wonder if the had 20 year old grape juice too.

I_lost_the_game | 25

#5082659 - Friday 26 October 2012 2:39

48- Words cannot describe the amount of what the fuckery that went through my mind when I read your comment.

By Posthuman | 26

#5043671 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:31

Was he saving it from since he was a boy?

flutter4 | 7

#5043693 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:33

Just for several years

By flutter4 | 7

#5043672 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:31

The green color of the cheese would turn me away

Psych101 | 9

#5043710 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:36

You don't like green cheese?! Then what do you eat with your green eggs and ham?

flutter4 | 7

#5043783 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:46

Lol true I forgot about my green eggs and ham :)

gc327072 | 29

#5044027 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:51

Sorry if I'm thread jacking, but OP's name is freaking awesome.

Snoopy0718 | 14

#5044036 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:55

That's why you write a comment instead of a reply.

By winnerme123 | 8

#5043677 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:32

Cheese will only age without being unhealthy to eat under strict conditions.

TorturedXeno | 27

#5043717 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:36

Hey, he's gotta start somewhere. Can't expect him to get it perfect the first time, right? :D

By person961 | 9

#5043685 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:32

That's my favorite type of cheese, I like when it's fuzzy too.

By maddygirl820 | 10

#5043690 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:33

Um ew

By emeraldisle | 30

#5043694 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:34

The stench from the cheese didn't tip them off that something might be wrong?

syki | 22

#5044128 - Monday 15 October 2012 5:24

It wouldn't, as a lot of what are considered the best cheeses don't smell so great.

By lexxiii | 17

#5043705 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:35

If they were trying to make homemade blue cheese, I'm pretty sure they're doing it wrong.

datoismyname | 22

#5043818 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:54

That is a creepy-ass eye you got there.

unsuccesfulmastu | 4

#5044299 - Monday 15 October 2012 6:39

I think it's sexy, it reminds me of 28 days later. Mmmm do I love zombie chicks ;)