Health: Today, I had to pick my parents up from the hospital and drive...

By oppafucktardstyle - United States - Waterloo

Today, I had to pick my parents up from the hospital and drive them back home, after they were treated for eating large amounts of cheese that my dad claimed to have "aged" for several years. FML

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Health

Billy no-mates

Pay up, dude

Phone call anxiety

By Anonymous

Today, instead of spending New Year's Eve having a romantic night out with my fiancé as we'd planned, I'm spending it sitting beside him in the hospital because his friends convinced him to go off-road ghost-riding in the dead of night. FML

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By titsmcgee - United States - Oak Brook

Today, the CEO of my company leaned over and said, "Hey, I've been meaning to thank you…" I thought he was going to thank me for all of my hard work, but he continued, "…for wearing that shirt today. I can totally see your boobs." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2020 23:16

You just don't understand art

Today, I walked in on my roommate with his pants down at his ankles, taking a picture of his poop. This would've been less disgusting if we'd been in the bathroom, not the kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - Lebanon

Today, I found out that it's extremely difficult to take a dump while holding a cup under your ass for a lab specimen. I also found out that you get so nervous that you can actually forget to lock the door. FML

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By one_BAMF - Canada

Today, I dislocated my shoulder. How? I went to a party with some friends and they each bet me $20 I couldn't lick my elbow. I guess I proved them wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at exactly midnight, I get a text from my boyfriend saying we were done. I had just seen him 4 hours ago when we were out celebrating my birthday, and asked why he didnt just tell me then. He replies 'I couldn't break up with you on your birthday but i wanted it to be over ASAP' FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I shot a paintball gun at a bees' nest. The bees flew through my neighbors' windows and, for lack of a better word, slaughtered them. An ambulance was called, and I feel like a total dick. FML

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By paige - United States

Today, my dad came home drunk and called me hot. FML

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By sick of this shit - Canada - Kelowna

Today, my grandma got drunk, tried to change the TV channel with my Xbox controller, and slurred at me to fuck off when I told her it wasn't the remote. She pulls this kind of crap way too often. FML

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By Anonymous

Thievery Ltd.

Today, I saw a neglected potted palm tree on the front porch of what I thought was an empty house down the street from me. I took it home to nurse it back to health. When I got home from work, it was gone. Later, when taking a walk, I spotted the palm, right back on the porch I'd taken it from. FML

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By TheSentinel05 - 8/7/2020 05:00

You should know!

Today, my mom screamed at me for not cleaning out the coffee machine. When I told her that wasn’t part of my chores and she never asked me to do it, she screamed at me for not doing it out of the kindness of my heart. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2020 06:57 - United Kingdom - Boston

Stuck

Today, I found out that the badly-parked car without MOT, that I chose not to report, has been moved and now blocking my car in. I need to get to the shops and have no idea who the driver is. FML

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By Baikal - Singapore

Today, my cousin thought it would be funny to make copies of my house keys and give it to random people on the street. I live alone and work a 12 hour shift daily. FML

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By forthethreeofus

Today, I went to a nice restaurant with my grandfather, who kept telling me to be kind towards our waiter, as he was probably just starting his summer job. The same waiter who, as my granddad had probably forgotten, had brought us our food six months ago and was now standing four feet away. FML

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By sadlrana121 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I psyched myself up and headed out to a really promising job interview. I was sure I was going to nail it and get my first job. That is, until a bird shat on my head on my way there. Thank you so very much, universe. FML

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By boo - United States

Today, I learned the reason they say don't keep your phone in high humidity places. I left my phone on the counter when I went to take a shower. It now won't turn on due to water damage and the warranty doesn't cover it. FML

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By wtf - United States - Elkhart

Today, my husband wants me to apologize for getting angry when his father told me I'm getting so fat that I look like a whale. I'm not fat, I'm just 8 months pregnant. FML

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By superman21 - Ireland

Today, I'm on the last day of my honeymoon in Ireland. My wife and I have an amazing hotel room and a huge bed. She's passed out drunk and if I even touch her, she needs the bucket next to our bed. So much for finishing our week on a "fun" note. FML

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By Weldingtags - United States

Today, my dad asked if I'd help him clean the gutters. I was given the responsibility of holding the ladder while he went on the roof. All I heard was laughter before a year's worth of rotting vegetation landed on top of my head. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my father had a dream that he'd lost me forever, and the pain was so unbearable, it woke him up. Turns out, the pain he was experiencing was just his bowels and he really needed to take a shit. This is the most affection I've ever received from my father. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Yorba Linda

Today, I learned that if you complain to your mom about your future mother-in-law's bitchiness, your overprotective mom might confront her about it and end up punching her in the face. My fiancée blames me for the incident. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Boya

Today, my son was at a birthday party. After eating a plate of cake, he loudly asked the birthday boy's mum if he could have sloppy seconds. I don't know where he heard that phrase, but the other kids' parents shot me very dirty looks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss stopped me mid-sentence, scowling and telling me to zip up my fly. It wouldn't have been so embarrassing if I hadn't been in the middle of giving a presentation to not only him, but his own boss and a company executive as well. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a girl at the bar. Things were going really well and we ended up going back to her place. Problem? Her husband who normally works the graveyard shift was home sick. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at work and a lady screamed at my manager for about 15 minutes, saying I needed to be fired because I couldn't get rid of all the flies buzzing around her food. She was the one who chose to eat on our patio. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, one of my friends pointed out I'm starting to get a mustache! - "You're finally a man!" To bad it's my 15th birthday, and I'm a girl. FML

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By clapping_for_you

Today, in a private discussion, my teenage son confessed to me he finally lost his virginity several weeks ago. Why did he confess? He came to me to ask why it all of a sudden hurts when he pees, and asked if it could have anything to do with it... FML...

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By Graverobber

Today, as I was fueling my truck, I was asked out to dinner by a 65-year-old retiree. I'm 25. He stormed off and called me a bitch for politely turning him down. FML

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By superscript - United States - Vancouver

Today, I found out that my boyfriend wasn't really bedridden sick on Valentine's Day. A Super Smash Bros game date with his friends was just more important. FML

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By ugly - Australia

Today, I was at the hairdressers getting a trim. The lady doing my hair commented on how beautiful and luscious my hair was, which made me feel really good. I later overheard her telling her colleague that hair as nice as mine was wasted on someone with a face like mine. FML

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By waxinghorror - United States

Today, my friend and I decided to get bikini waxes. Afterwards, the women who did the waxing told my friend it was $30 for her wax. Then, in front of the whole salon, the women points at me and says, "You! You so hairy- $35!". FML

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By msjustine - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, the one who does all the cooking in the house, doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. FML

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By concertqueen - United States

Today, I went to a concert. The music was great, but the drunk guys behind me made it hard to pay attention. Half way through the second act, one of them took it upon themselves to start peeing on me. FML

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By aarone23 - United States

Today, I was slammed onto my car, thrown on the ground, and arrested for outstanding warrants from 1979. I was born in 1992. FML

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By iamchazzi - United States - Madison

Today, I found out that my mom uses my Facebook account more than I do. FML

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By karaokestar - Canada

Today, I sang my signature tune at a karaoke bar - What A Wonderful World - and I thought I sounded my best yet. After my performance, I went outside to get some air. Then, I got assaulted in the parking lot and ended up going to the hospital. What a wonderful world indeed. FML

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By catherineratley - United States - Carmi

Today, I shut my finger in the car door. The door locked. Then I dropped the keys on the ground and couldn't reach them. FML

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By Jackie Campbell - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using the "it's not you, it's me" speech with a slight variation, saying instead, "It's not me, it's you. And yes, I meant to say it that way round." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I watched as my neighbor walked to my front lawn, looked me right in the eye, and pissed on my mailbox. FML

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By unemployed and bereaved - United Kingdom

Today, my boss claimed that I've been lying to get days off because apparently nobody can be so unlucky as to have three family members die within a month. I am just that unlucky, and suspended. FML

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Top comments

By TorturedXeno | 27

#5043645 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:29

Mold - yummyyyyyy! Extra fiber!

By winnerme123 | 8

#5043677 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:32

Cheese will only age without being unhealthy to eat under strict conditions.

COMMENTS

By secretsymbiote21 | 5

#5043642 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:29

how old are they again? haha

geon_olam | 17

#5043701 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:34

Old enough to know better. But then again, almost everyone is.

PleaseStayChill | 9

#5043836 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:59

However old they are, I'm surprised they lived long enough to have a kid.

GirlYouNasty | 11

#5043915 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:19

Considering the fact that they have a child capable of driving them home from the hospital, I'd say they're pretty old.

However, it's often true that maturity can't be judged by age...

jojimugo | 20

#5043943 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:28

Apparently sarcasm is not appreciated on FML...

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5044038 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:56

Us fmlers condone sarcasm, we however do not condone stupid comments. Not saying 1's comment was stupid but it could have at least been mildly amusing.

evilplatypus | 38

#5044353 - Monday 15 October 2012 7:10

30 - Just because something is sarcastic, does not mean it is funny, witty, clever, interesting, insightful, etc.

timjones | 8

#5044379 - Monday 15 October 2012 7:27

Did no one else read OP's name?

falloutboy97 | 16

#5045107 - Monday 15 October 2012 15:39

I did, and I love it. xD

By TorturedXeno | 27

#5043645 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:29

Mold - yummyyyyyy! Extra fiber!

HowAreYouToday | 34

#5043883 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:11

And human meat has a lot of protein.

I mean... Uh... Yeah! Mold! Wooooo!

scrappy23 | 4

#5043977 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:37

26, No that's a little too far.

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5043997 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:43

No, Venus is far!

graffitied_love | 20

#5044003 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:46

Its safe to say if theres mold on your food, don't eat it. You might not get sick, but its not worth the risk

PiaMiaPerez | 1

#5044086 - Monday 15 October 2012 5:11

Hahaha good one.

sens3sfailing | 24

#5044105 - Monday 15 October 2012 5:18

33-oh c'mon! Wouldn't you say that joke is a little too cheesy?

ahunter97 | 3

#5044189 - Monday 15 October 2012 5:52

Cheese is mold!

lexi365 | 20

#5044403 - Monday 15 October 2012 8:05

More hospital bills! Yay!

DaBoogiemonsta | 5

#5045400 - Monday 15 October 2012 17:07

47- moldy cream* or milk... I'm not sure

i_lik_tomaters | 21

#6315040 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 6:36

Not as far as pluto

By LexieWins | 0

#5043648 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:29

How sophisticated.

ICastillo | 24

#5043980 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:38

I like my women like I like my cheese sweating, yellow and moldy... Wait that's not how it goes

liv_graham | 7

#5044267 - Monday 15 October 2012 6:20

Very classy. I wonder if the had 20 year old grape juice too.

I_lost_the_game | 25

#5082659 - Friday 26 October 2012 2:39

48- Words cannot describe the amount of what the fuckery that went through my mind when I read your comment.

By Posthuman | 26

#5043671 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:31

Was he saving it from since he was a boy?

flutter4 | 7

#5043693 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:33

Just for several years

By flutter4 | 7

#5043672 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:31

The green color of the cheese would turn me away

Psych101 | 9

#5043710 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:36

You don't like green cheese?! Then what do you eat with your green eggs and ham?

flutter4 | 7

#5043783 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:46

Lol true I forgot about my green eggs and ham :)

gc327072 | 29

#5044027 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:51

Sorry if I'm thread jacking, but OP's name is freaking awesome.

Snoopy0718 | 14

#5044036 - Monday 15 October 2012 4:55

That's why you write a comment instead of a reply.

By winnerme123 | 8

#5043677 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:32

Cheese will only age without being unhealthy to eat under strict conditions.

TorturedXeno | 27

#5043717 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:36

Hey, he's gotta start somewhere. Can't expect him to get it perfect the first time, right? :D

By person961 | 9

#5043685 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:32

That's my favorite type of cheese, I like when it's fuzzy too.

By maddygirl820 | 10

#5043690 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:33

Um ew

By emeraldisle | 30

#5043694 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:34

The stench from the cheese didn't tip them off that something might be wrong?

syki | 22

#5044128 - Monday 15 October 2012 5:24

It wouldn't, as a lot of what are considered the best cheeses don't smell so great.

By lexxiii | 17

#5043705 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:35

If they were trying to make homemade blue cheese, I'm pretty sure they're doing it wrong.

datoismyname | 22

#5043818 - Monday 15 October 2012 3:54

That is a creepy-ass eye you got there.

unsuccesfulmastu | 4

#5044299 - Monday 15 October 2012 6:39

I think it's sexy, it reminds me of 28 days later. Mmmm do I love zombie chicks ;)