Today, I woke to find my boyfriend of 2 years gone. I saw my...

By shawty_x - 26/4/2009 12:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke to find my boyfriend of 2 years gone. I saw my little sister's talking bear at the bottom of my bed, it said "squeeze me" so I squeezed it and it said "it's over." It was my boyfriends voice. I was dumped by a talking bear. FML

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Love

Does it taste good?

Nice neighborhood

Sewer monster

By off to the whorehouse, then - 31/3/2014 21:03 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my Game of Thrones addicted girlfriend decided to name my penis Tyrion Lannister. FML

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By jakeson12 - 24/11/2012 00:38 - United Kingdom - Dundee

Today, my "friend" thought it'd be absolutely hilarious to use my phone to text my girlfriend, bragging that I'd found a new "slampiece" and that she's "fukcin dumpd". Now I'm single, her dad keeps making threatening calls to me, and nobody will even listen to my side of the story. FML

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By dragonstooth257 - 21/6/2019 06:14

Today, I'm so bad at people skills when I got a call to set up a job interview, I weirded the lady out so much that she trailed off when talking about emailing me a time. This took 2 minutes to achieve. A new record. I still haven't got an email. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2013 18:14 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I was playing Draw Something with my girlfriend, when I decided to start a game with some other people. She immediately accused me of "cheating" on her, and still refuses to talk to me. FML

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By satanworshipper - 18/10/2012 04:58 - United States - Hollywood

Today, I received another death threat for teaching evolution in college. I'm a geology teacher. FML

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By Hannah - 13/6/2013 16:19 - Australia - Caulfield North

Today, my boyfriend dumped me, accusing me of lying to him about "being a hermaphrodite". His almost total lack of knowledge about female anatomy led him to believe that my clitoris is actually an extremely tiny penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2010 16:55 - United Kingdom

Today, while celebrating at my friend's birthday party, I fell down a flight of stairs, got into a fight with my flatmate, and ruined my friend's outfit after drinking too much. I'm expecting I'll need to find a new place to live tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2013 09:04 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, after cricket training, the homeless man that lives in the drain next to the nets threw a beer bottle full of piss at me for rejecting him for a date last week. I ducked; it sailed through my car’s open window and smashed all over the seats. FML

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By HowAreYouAlive - 9/7/2014 04:24 - United States - Ashburn

Today, my coworker called in to say that he couldn't make it to work today because he was in a coma and asked if I could cover his shift. This isn't the first time he's tried to use this excuse. FML

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By tardspawn - 5/4/2015 15:38 - United Kingdom - Horsham

Today, my morbidly obese mother gave me an angry lecture at dinner, saying without any trace of irony that my vegetarian diet is "unhealthy and utterly unacceptable". FML

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By AlyCo55 - 22/10/2018 05:00

Today, I found out two of my rats are pregnant. The breeder told us that all of them were male, only one ended up being male. I now have 20+ rat babies on the way and no idea how to take care of them. FML

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By bigmistake - 24/12/2011 03:22 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've had a crush on for a while. I shaved my legs and armpits and wore a short dress. It wasn't until I got to the meeting that I noticed I only shaved one of my legs. FML

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By foshizzle - 25/4/2012 06:46 - United States - Orlando

Today, while at work, a man grabbed my beard, said it was impressive, and then uttered the words, "I love you." FML

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By Invisible - 15/6/2017 22:00

Today, I realized how little my husband, son and I mean to my in-laws. We were somehow left off the distribution list for my sister-in-law's birthday party. I even texted her to wish her well. It wouldn't be so bad if this wasn't the fifth consecutive family event we were left out of. FML

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By ThePidgeon - 19/10/2009 18:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I was ordering food at McDonalds when a condom fell out and onto the counter. The server looked at me funny before my friend turned around and said, "It's okay, he's never going to use it." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2013 04:00 - United States - New York

Today, I had to explain to a woman why she wasn't allowed to squeeze all the contents of the sample lotion bottle into her own bottle. She threw a fit, and dumped the whole bottle on my head. FML

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By why yes, I do mean "ex-boyfriend" - 17/8/2013 22:40 - Netherlands - Oosterwolde

Today, I got sent home early because a large fire broke out at work. I was greeted by the sight of my cocktard of a "boyfriend" making out on my sofa with another woman. He actually had the audacity and brass balls to claim he thought she was me. FML

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By yum. - 10/4/2009 21:39 - United States

Today, I went out to eat with some friends. They picked a table that wasn't big enough for all of us. I had to sit in the booth behind them. Alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2013 00:53 - United States - Wahiawa

Today, I went on a run with my crush. She expressed how happy she was to have a decent running partner, because the last one kept complaining he thought he might throw up. We got to the top of the hill and I puked right in front of her. FML

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By Ulysse - 1/1/2009 19:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I have my new iPod Touch, and I'm walking down the street. Since it's really cold, I'm wearing gloves. At some point, I want to change the song, and don't want to remove my gloves. I try changing the song with my nose, for about 3 minutes, until I realize I look really stupid. FML

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By - 27/3/2019 06:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, like everyday, I have to ignore the mould in the bathroom, cat shit stuck to the dining room floor, and dirty dishes in the kitchen courtesy of my never-cleaning sister, but today she bitched at me for being gross and unhygenic for double dipping the ice-cream tub, and everyone agreed. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2011 05:44 - United States

Today, I started petting my cousin's Doberman. Now, whenever I stop he growls menacingly. FML

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By me - 30/11/2011 06:43 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try something new. I ended up tied to the bed, and my girlfriend discovered how ticklish I am. Worst 3 hours of my life. FML

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By greattt - 10/2/2009 21:15 - United States

Today, I went to get my school picture taken, when the photographer looked at me, saying, "You look like you need a mirror." FML

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By Jillian Drute - 16/8/2011 04:54 - United States

Today, my mom showed up completely hammered to a party I was throwing. The party was to celebrate the ten years that I've been sober. FML

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By ccc - 15/5/2009 16:35 - United States

Today, a cab driver had to sign me out of the emergency room because I didn't know who else to call. FML

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By kolgate - 15/2/2012 10:12 - United States

Today, I called my grandmother to wish her a happy Valentines Day. She asked me if I had a date lined up. I didn't, and before I could explain why, she responded with, "Well, maybe all the other gays went on vacation!" Thanks Grandma, I'm not gay. FML

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By and she blames me -_- - 13/10/2013 21:50 - Canada - Calgary

Today, some ass-bandit broke into my house by smashing a window, just so he could steal the ancient VHS cassette player that my wife wouldn't let me throw away. Thanks, scumbag, but the front door was unlocked. FML

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By Upside-Down Sleeper. - 2/5/2015 21:59 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I went to the yearly town carnival with my friends. I hadn't slept well the night before and when I got onto the scariest ride, I somehow fell half asleep. I woke up upside down and ended up peeing myself in terror. FML

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By MynameisntToby - 10/12/2009 03:26 - United States

Today, it was raining downtown. I saw an elderly woman crossing the street so I lend her my umbrella and help her across. When we get to the other side, she says "Thank you Toby," and then refuses to give back "her" umbrella to me, loudly enough for a nearby cop to hear. FML

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By tingleballs - 28/4/2016 14:57 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I put some of my wife's eucalyptus oil in my bath to make it relaxing. I soon found out the amount I used was about 100 times more than you're supposed to use. It took an hour of burning agony to find out the only way to get even a hint of relief was to cover my nuts in yoghurt. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2017 16:00

Today, I found my dad smoking the weed he grounded me for having. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2015 08:44

Today, my brother woke me up by trying to light my bed on fire. FML

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By WeezysBaby - 28/3/2009 22:13 - Canada

Today, I was going through my old MSN conversations. I then realized that when I first got MSN, I didn't know that messages you sent after people went offline would be delivered to them when they signed in. I used to type 'I love you' to my crush after every time he went offline. FML

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By Vic - 11/7/2011 09:00 - Denmark

Today, it's my birthday. The present I received from my best friend was the exact same necklace which I gave to her for her birthday two months ago. It had been unwrapped and re-wrapped in the same paper. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2012 10:26 - United States - Williamsburg

Today, after finally falling asleep, my boyfriend woke me up and got extremely mad at me. My offense? My pillow was touching his side of the bed. After yelling at me, he's now sleeping on the couch, and I'm lying in bed wide awake. FML

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By herpderp - 11/2/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, someone in class was making a point about premarital intercourse - "90% of teen virgins aren't saving it for marriage, they just can't get any." Another classmate pointed me out specifically. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2020 14:00 - United States - San Diego

My family

Today, I had to listen for over 10 minutes as my brother and grandmother discussed how much they hate me. They thought I was asleep. FML

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By sarah - 11/2/2012 06:36 - United States

Today, I ate an entire pack of breath mints in preparation for a date. Instead of giving me fresh breath, it gave me a terrible case of diarrhea. FML

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By Cleanfreak? - 25/6/2017 00:00 - Denmark - ?lborg

Funky

Today, I got into an argument, followed by the silent treatment from my boyfriend, because I told him that he should change his underwear daily. FML

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Top comments

By fermata | 0

#145132 - Sunday 26 April 2009 20:02

Wow I'm at a loss for words.
It's amazing what stunts losers would pull to get out of having a mature, face-to-face talk with you.

By sjx | 0

#145129 - Sunday 26 April 2009 20:01

that's just mean :-(

COMMENTS

By sjx | 0

#145129 - Sunday 26 April 2009 20:01

that's just mean :-(

breeY0 | 7

#3901187 - Wednesday 18 January 2012 2:05

pretend like it was never there ! say your going over, make that jerk say it to your face.

By fermata | 0

#145132 - Sunday 26 April 2009 20:02

Wow I'm at a loss for words.
It's amazing what stunts losers would pull to get out of having a mature, face-to-face talk with you.

NzxtZ06 | 0

#1010657 - Saturday 29 May 2010 0:36

holy shit. give him props, your ex is bad ass

DeepfriedT | 1

#1302063 - Thursday 26 August 2010 5:54

agreed

SodeNoShirayuki_fml | 6

#6666654 - Saturday 6 August 2016 22:21

you dont know maybe he found stuff thay she was cheating on him and a bunch of other things

By Chaith | 16

#145134 - Sunday 26 April 2009 20:02

So classy. Haha. :]

zimandme123 | 0

#2304608 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 17:27

ha! that's exactly what I was thinking!!!! XD

By pancakes_n_syrup | 0

#145140 - Sunday 26 April 2009 20:04

At least he was creative

By christutta | 0

#145146 - Sunday 26 April 2009 20:04

sorry that guy was too much of a pussy to do it face to face

By stargirl14 | 0

#145170 - Sunday 26 April 2009 20:12

this reminds me of that sex and the city episode where carrie's boyfriend dumps her with a post it note lol

By lnm701 | 0

#145174 - Sunday 26 April 2009 20:13

That is one of the most absurd things I've ever heard.

By brodizzle | 0

#145179 - Sunday 26 April 2009 20:15

That is fucking awesome.

By DatBoyJday | 0

#145181 - Sunday 26 April 2009 20:15

I should of thought of that.

By foolsangel | 4

#145184 - Sunday 26 April 2009 20:16

If he's that much of an immature wuss, you didn't deserve him anyways.