Intimacy and Kids: Today, we did icebreakers at a summer program. I'm really awkward... - FML

By cperagui - 19/07/2018 19:00

Today, we did icebreakers at a summer program. I'm really awkward but I got paired with a really nice guy. I noticed his right hand was very soft, so I joked, "Do you only moisturize one hand?" Then I understood. Then he understood that I understood. We're partners all week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 427

You deserved it 851

Mother of the year

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Ever Given

By Cannot Unknow - 21/01/2017 16:00

Spicy

Today, my wife and I drove to the other side of the country to attend a swingers party where we thought no one knew us. So did my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 799

You deserved it 2 390

By independence - 07/07/2011 04:04 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me because he wanted some independence. He moved back into his parents house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 639

You deserved it 3 577

By Lonelyhopeful - 05/12/2016 20:08

Today, I was driving in a busy area looking for a place to park. I happened to lock eyes with a really handsome man who was walking alongside the road. He approached my car with a huge, gorgeous smile, and as I rolled my window down he asked, "Are you my Uber?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 546

You deserved it 948

By funnyERstory - 23/11/2016 04:31 - United States - Houston

Spicy

Today, I got my dick sucked. Unfortunately, it was by the vacuum nozzle my cousin stuck down my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 830

You deserved it 1 525

By dawg3360 - 07/06/2009 06:02 - Canada

Today, I noticed I have to lift up my fat to see my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 575

You deserved it 134 057

By foreverashamed - 04/11/2011 06:57 - Canada

Today, my father decided that since I'm 21 and have never had a girlfriend, he would buy me a book on how to talk to girls. The book is written by a 9-year-old kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 588

You deserved it 6 803

By crushed - 11/12/2015 00:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother won't let me intern at a prestigious college, working with graduate students and professors, and being paid, because she doesn't want to drive me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 181

You deserved it 5 013

Can't catch a break

By Anonymous - 16/09/2020 16:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I’ve been working 4 months to cover people isolating, so I was finally looking forward to a Saturday of fishing, a date night then a lazy Sunday watching TV. Only my wife who, as soon as she heard I had a whole weekend free, handed me a list of vital house jobs that need doing, “NOW NOW NOW.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 304

You deserved it 184

Don't let it come to this

By Anonymous - 27/08/2021 02:01

Today, we had the cops called on us because my son was panicking so much about his first COVID jab, his older sister got fed up, took him outside, put him in a headlock and choked him unconscious so the nurse could jab him. Instead, the nurse called the cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 375

You deserved it 1 125

By Anonymous - 21/08/2019 20:00

Today, my psychiatrist said, "Well, good luck." at the end of my appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 526

You deserved it 181

By chanclepants - 27/01/2010 13:35 - France

Spicy

Today, I was letting my boyfriend of 4 years tie me up and do stuff to me. After finishing on my face, he then left. My parents had to untie me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 327

You deserved it 14 030

By Not Again! - 14/06/2019 04:16

Today, while riding a massive draft horse, the horse thought it would be fun to walk under a very low apple tree that sat level with his back. A branch hit me and made me fall off onto a coil of barbed wire, twisting my ankle in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 638

You deserved it 328

By CutieBooty - 22/02/2011 21:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, after some passionate love making with my husband, I accidentally farted on his leg. He shrieked and frantically began shaking his leg while screaming, "Get it off! Get it off!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 292

You deserved it 35 633

Bougie

By Anonymous - 27/03/2021 08:01

Today, I went to the Louis Vuitton store to repair the broken handle on my handbag. Upon review, they told me that my handbag was not an authentic Louis Vuitton. I essentially paid $1600 for a fake that I can no longer use. FML

I agree, your life sucks 470

You deserved it 1 356

By anon - 28/09/2015 03:27 - United States - Orange Park

Today, I thought my wife and I would reconcile after being separated for eight months. We ended up sleeping together after a dinner date, but she told told me afterwards that she still wanted a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 926

You deserved it 2 710

By loo - 06/07/2019 07:00

Today, I had to go claim benefits for the first time since working and paying taxes from the age of 16. I’m 50. They offered me an emergency payment of £1200, and I said no because I was too embarrassed to accept “charity.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 2 493

By fukingtigans - 29/07/2015 15:30 - Croatia - Rupalj

Today, my business got broken into and I lost a lot of valuable equipment. Although I have 24/7 security guards, they left in the middle of the burglary because they were too scared to stop the burglars or even to call the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 589

You deserved it 2 478

By Inez333 - 03/04/2019 02:00

Today, I finally got to see my favorite aunt after months of her living far away with her new boyfriend. She now believes the Earth is flat, gravity is fake, the government is run by reptiles, and that vaccines are the devil themselves. She won't stop trying to convince me of her conspiracies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 405

You deserved it 148

By okay - 22/07/2015 04:58 - United States - Woodstock

Today, a customer complained he never got his sandwich, even though I put it in the oven, dressed it up and served it to him. When I went to clear his table off, I saw the sandwich basket. We had to give him his money back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 532

You deserved it 2 282

NParents represent!

By Familyvisits - 31/08/2021 08:01 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, my parents have been whining about me spending a weekend there, so I did. I have severe IBS and sent them the list of foods I can eat 2 weeks ago when I told them I was coming. They had no food in the house that I could eat without getting sick, and got offended when I didn’t eat or tried to buy my own food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 974

You deserved it 86

By PharmSlave - 01/05/2015 06:12 - United States - Marysville

Today, my boss told me I ask too many questions and that's why they cut my hours in half. Officially, I'm a "Pharmacy Technician in Training", which means I'm trying to teach myself how to do the job without killing someone. All from on the job experience and an outdated textbook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 967

You deserved it 2 579

By Anonymous - 28/10/2012 10:43 - United States

Today, my mom decided to wake me up by pouring ice cold water on my face. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 045

You deserved it 4 435

By Anonymous - 05/09/2017 17:15 - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, a teenage kid holding a cell phone ran up to me and kicked me as hard as he could in the groin. After I fell to the ground in pain, I realized he was liveblogging the event and asking people to subscribe to his YouTube channel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 447

You deserved it 202

By WhatTheFuck - 30/07/2015 15:30 - United States - Bridgeview

Today, I had to listen to my grandma talk about how she's "allergic" to toilet paper, and how she lets nature "take care of it". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 053

You deserved it 1 752

A boy can dream

By Anonymous - 16/02/2021 00:30

Today, I told my family about my dreams to get a modern car and house with my girlfriend, since I'm tired of fixing my '90s car and paying for my dad's rent and doing all his housework. They then told me I'm selfish for trying to leave them and that I don't care about them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 960

You deserved it 63

Protip

By Anonymous - 13/04/2015 01:56 - United States

Spicy

Today, the only way I can get my boyfriend to do anything is by telling him it's a turn on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 866

You deserved it 4 414

By Anonymous - 01/11/2010 18:04 - Canada

Today, I got my first university math midterm back. I did so bad that my teacher put a sadface on the first page. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 576

You deserved it 11 316

By PlayTag - 05/02/2009 00:58 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 721

You deserved it 18 660

With friends like these…

By MaySheRestinPeace - 06/03/2020 15:00

Today, a friend asked me to cover his shift at work because his grandmother died. Like any decent friend, I obliged. Later, after leaving, I walked by a bar and saw him inside, laughing and doing shots with all of our friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 960

You deserved it 132

By Anonymous - 10/09/2013 13:23 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I told a guy he should be ashamed of himself for parking in a handicapped space. He hit me with his prosthetic leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 978

You deserved it 96 342

By Anon_a_mouse - 30/03/2011 19:59 - Reserved

Today, I came home from a week-long vacation, only to find my mother-in-law didn't just dog-sit while I was gone; she moved in, along with all her possessions, and seems to think it's a permanent deal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 245

You deserved it 3 672

By butch - 13/11/2009 07:04 - United States

Spicy

Today, my upstairs neighbor congratulated me on keeping him 'til dawn with my girlfriend and the chick in the apartment next to us. He doesn't know how I got them to agree to a threesome. Since I was at my folks all weekend, neither do I. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 327

You deserved it 2 367

By sorry, kiddo - 30/06/2013 21:44 - Belgium - Brussels

Spicy

Today, I was explaining to my son that porn isn't a realistic depiction of sex. Just as I finished explaining to him that threesomes rarely happen in real life, he started crying. I feel like a dream-crushing monster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 298

You deserved it 10 127

By my first job - 06/04/2016 20:02 - Canada - Westerose

Today, after working for 12 hours in the cold rain on muddy terrain, my coordinator drove down a hill and didn't come back. I was stuck in the middle of nowhere, forced to walk two hours uphill back to HQ to find him there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 094

You deserved it 1 155

By ANNIEDBD - 23/03/2012 09:44 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, a client shouted at me over something that had nothing to do with me. She put such effort into shouting that she farted in my office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 963

You deserved it 2 116

By elisabeth_pwnes - 16/03/2012 10:38 - Norway

Today, my fiancé came home drunk with some girl. Then he told her that I was his sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 172

You deserved it 3 725

By beya - 31/08/2009 22:05 - Canada

Today, I woke up to my five year old son picking off the scabs from his chicken pox and dropping them into my open mouth as I slept. FML

I agree, your life sucks 93 876

You deserved it 5 845

By Anonymous - 28/02/2019 11:00 - United States - University

Today, I went to take a shower, but forgot my towel and dorm key in the room. After my shower, I had to run down to the front desk butt-naked, using only a shampoo bottle as cover, and ask for a temporary key. The person running the front desk was my ex-girlfriend’s current boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 084

You deserved it 1 053

By jester777 - 22/01/2011 17:39 - United States

Today, I sneaked into my girlfriend's house for some romantic time. Before going into her room, I took a dump in the bathroom. Once I was done, I not only noticed that there was no toilet paper left, but I heard her and her 6'5, heavyweight boxer, ex-marine father, talking outside the bathroom door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 518

You deserved it 49 294

By Anonymous - 03/09/2014 18:24 - United States - White Plains

Today, my husband asked our tax professional if we could file my profession as "Expert Dream Murderer." I'm a guidance counselor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 677

You deserved it 5 282

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Top comments

_Hakuna_Matata_ 12

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Thursday 19 July 2018 19:02

Well, the Ice sure is broken now. Lmao.

Donut_Wizard 23

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Thursday 19 July 2018 19:44

That would make for a very interesting product commercial.

Comments

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Saturday 30 June 2018 16:46

Wait, I don't see what the prob... oh... ohhh... oh god! Eww! Eww eww eww! That's nasty! How the hell can he do it so often?! Burn it! Burn it to ash!

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Sunday 1 July 2018 9:11

like its fine that he does it but we had just met so it was really awkward lol

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Monday 2 July 2018 2:44

So how did you address the elephant in the room?

Lalala579121 27

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Thursday 19 July 2018 20:09

Pagan Min? He is the elephant in the room.

_Hakuna_Matata_ 12

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Thursday 19 July 2018 19:02

Well, the Ice sure is broken now. Lmao.

Donut_Wizard 23

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Thursday 19 July 2018 19:44

That would make for a very interesting product commercial.

Davros 12

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Thursday 19 July 2018 21:30

(shakes his hand) So, I see you type left handed.

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Thursday 19 July 2018 21:36

I don't understand? Can someone explain? 😂😂

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Thursday 19 July 2018 22:02

He’s a wanker 😂😂

Cody Vertigo Bonthoux 15

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Thursday 19 July 2018 22:28

this is very understanding

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Friday 20 July 2018 19:29

Well no this is not very understandable... if I understand well it is not that obvious. As most of Europeans I am not circoncised and do not need moisturiser... 😏

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Thursday 19 July 2018 23:18

I’ve seen this five times already....

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Friday 20 July 2018 1:13

Someone needs to learn how to clean.

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Friday 20 July 2018 1:52

Oh get over yourself. Who doesn't do it?

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 20 July 2018 3:13

That knowledge can come in handy. ;)

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 16

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 118

You deserved it 28

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 925

You deserved it 70