Miscellaneous: Today, I went to see the new Twilight movie, for the second time.... - FML

By HeSaysImNoBeard - 26/11/2009 16:47 - United States

Today, I went to see the new Twilight movie, for the second time. The first time was at the midnight premiere. I would be "okay" with it if the person who had dragged me to see it both times hadn't been my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 667

You deserved it 7 803

You tried

Late term

Always call first

By chew toy - 25/05/2017 11:00 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I went to see my sister and took a couple of dog biscuits for her dog. I forgot about them until later when I realised I had a hole in my pocket, near my crotch. The dog pointed this out by chomping my balls to get to the biscuits. My attempts to remove him resulted in more vigorous chewing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 116

You deserved it 771

By anyoi - 25/04/2012 22:43 - United States - Rocklin

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents over dinner. During the meal, he excused himself to the bathroom, and when he didn't come back after a few minutes, I went to check up on him. I ended up finding him in the living room, pocketing a pack of ambien from my mom's bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 232

You deserved it 3 418

By Sir Davos of Shit Creek - 13/05/2016 20:00 - Canada - Frankford

Today, my boss asked if I'd finished my work for the day. I've been binge-watching Game of Thrones this week, and I accidentally replied "Yes, Your Grace," British accent and all. He told me to stow my "sarcasm" or I'd be looking for a new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 968

You deserved it 11 037

By Poorfish - 17/03/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, my fish's tank was all green and nasty, but I had no time to clean it because I woke up late, so the job was left to my mom. When I came back, the water level seemed high, and the fish looked a little strange, so I asked my mom what she did. She said "I cleaned the tank with chlorine!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 837

You deserved it 29 872

By Susan - 18/03/2013 08:59 - Ireland

Spicy

Today, my parents asked me if I was sexually active. My grandma then screamed from upstairs, "She's not even physically active!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 506

You deserved it 15 967

One man and his lawn

By Anonymous - 14/09/2021 16:00 - United States - Little Rock

Today, my husband, who rarely helps with big projects around the house, offered to help me with our mess of a backyard. An hour and a half into the project, and an hour and a half after he disappeared from the backyard, I found him mowing and edging the front. Our front yard was immaculate and didn't need mowed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 93

By IloveMaroon5 - 07/06/2011 06:48 - United States

Today, I found out that if your boss deletes you off Facebook, it's probably not a good sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 810

You deserved it 4 387

By Mr. Hopeless - 13/02/2009 21:59 - United States

Spicy

Today, I texted this girl I really like and she didn't answer. She did about two hours later and it said "sorry I was having sex at the time you texted me. So how are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 842

You deserved it 4 183

Delusional

By Anonymous - 28/12/2020 11:02

Today, my sister made serious plans to move to another country to be closer to the married man she's having an affair with. She thinks this will force him to leave his family. I know who will have to listen to her whining when she is sitting all alone in a different country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 915

You deserved it 86

By BigBallah93 - 05/07/2009 15:23 - China

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her mom gave me some seasoned cauliflower, which I didn't like. Not wanting to dissapoint my girlfriend's mom, I slipped the cauliflower of my plate and gave it to their dog. It turns out cauliflower gives their dog explosive diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 759

You deserved it 55 216

By Anonymous - 25/05/2011 13:55 - Australia

Today, my boss and I were preparing a lunch order for a nearby real-estate agency. I noticed that the order was riddled with spelling mistakes, so I laughed and mocked the realtors calling them stupid and incompetent. My boss then pointed out that the order was written in his handwriting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 908

You deserved it 40 734

By roidrager - 16/10/2014 16:44 - United States - Clearwater

Today, the steroids I was prescribed for a slightly irritating sinus infection have worked, albeit at the price of making me almost shit my pants multiple times. My sinuses are now clear enough that I get the full scent of my steroid-induced diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 384

You deserved it 3 056

By Kevin - 05/02/2009 18:04 - United States

Today, I spent almost my entire English class turned on thinking that the hot girl next to me was playing footsie with me. That is until she stood up and I realized I had been rubbing my foot on her backpack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 133

You deserved it 46 615

By failout - 05/03/2009 21:36 - United States

Today, there was a story called "Looking Good" about fashion in school that ran in the local newspaper. On the front page of that section it featured a picture of my class. I was photoshopped out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 972

You deserved it 4 993

By scaredypants123 - 07/03/2014 15:41 - United States

Today, I was in bed staring at two red lights coming from my DVD player. They reminded me of the terminator movies, and I had to unplug it. I'm 23 years old and scared of The Terminator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 349

You deserved it 9 107

Nice try

By haus - 19/01/2010 19:38 - United States

Today, I had to go to court to see whether my driver's license is suspended for an entire year. I woke up early, went to court, and everything went perfectly, with all the charges being dropped. Unfortunately, I then woke up, and am now going to be late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 259

You deserved it 31 442

Birthday Girl

By Anonymous - 14/05/2009 17:43 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I got just three calls all day. The first one was my fiancé, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancé for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office, to sing me a happy birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 412 424

You deserved it 21 706

By UFVKNP - 10/03/2017 16:00

Today, my coworker and I were swamped with coffee orders. I told him I would "take care of the blacks", and a customer who only heard that sentence screamed at me for several minutes about racism. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 904

You deserved it 572

Artists are unpredictable

By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 10:01

Today, I sent a tweet to my favourite artist to tell him that I loved his work. He replied that I was being rude and blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 007

You deserved it 111

By daughterinlaw - 18/12/2012 17:09 - United States - La Plata

Spicy

Today, my mother-in-law, who apparently made a copy of our house key without permission, walked in on my husband and me doing the deed. She went crazy, yelling at me for "defiling" her son. Last week, she yelled at me for not having given her grand-children yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 356

You deserved it 4 306

By ThisBlows - 21/09/2011 17:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I caught my wife slipping penis enlargement pills into my coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 193

You deserved it 8 791

Sounds reasonable

By Anonymous - 19/05/2021 06:01

Today, my mum gave me a two-month ultimatum to get married or risk being disowned. I’m only 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 043

You deserved it 59

Cleanliness is next to someone else

By Anonymous - 10/03/2020 15:00

Today, we got new seats in my English class; I was seated next to a boy that I don't know very well. When I sat down, he informed me that he is "opposed" to brushing his teeth. I thought he was kidding. Then he started breathing with his mouth open. These are our seats for the rest of the year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 705

You deserved it 98

By redriver - 18/06/2018 14:30 - United States

Today, exactly 28 days after I started my last period, I started a new period. This would be perfectly healthy and normal except that my last period was 24 days long. This has happened every month this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 428

You deserved it 292

By NickDrakeFan - 29/10/2013 01:57 - United States

Today, I overcame my stage fright and got up in front of a café audience with my acoustic guitar to sing a few of my songs. Some asshat kept yelling stuff like "NEEDS MORE COWBELL!" and "FREEBIRD!", which made me lose my nerve and flee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 611

You deserved it 4 534

Weird reason, but OK

By Anonymous - 30/01/2021 05:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, sitting in my car, an hour into a four-hour trip. The reason? I haven't been lifting with him at his gym during the COVID-19 pandemic. The kicker? We were headed back after a stay-cation with his mom, because yesterday was my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 783

You deserved it 82

By Anonymous - 12/05/2009 20:58 - United States

Today, I flew home from college to see my parents. Later I found the expensive painting and hand-made necklace I mailed to my mom for mother's day while taking out the trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 612

You deserved it 3 115

Optimism

By Anonymous - 24/09/2020 02:01 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my teacher walked into class and said, "Look to your left and right, one of those persons you just looked at will fail the upcoming exam." When asked why, she said too many people passed last year's exam. She was dead serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 099

You deserved it 62

Getting some action

By hugadyle - 18/04/2020 14:00

Today, I took a trip to the library's public computer section to get some important work done. After a bit of work, I went to stretch only to see that the man next to me was watching some adult films on his computer and discreetly touching himself. I still had 58 minutes of computer time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 502

You deserved it 149

By Anonymous - 03/01/2016 23:00 - United States - Kennett Square

Today, I was at work, a grocery store, and my manager came up to me while I was on my lunch break. He told me that a customer said someone in the parking lot had been loitering around the cars. I went outside to investigate and saw a drunk man pooping on the front of a car. That car was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 343

You deserved it 1 255

By totallyembarassed - 07/07/2012 04:08 - United States - Charlotte

Today, when I went to pay for my groceries, I accidentally handed the cashier a condom instead of my $20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 970

You deserved it 28 700

Safe working conditions

By Anonymous - 22/05/2021 06:01

Today, at work, yet another inappropriately stacked pallet fell on me. I thought for sure that I just hit a nerve. Nope, I fractured my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 891

You deserved it 52

By Tyler - 19/11/2011 07:58 - United States

Today, at my job as a cocktail server in a bar, a group of good looking ladies sat in my section. As I was finishing up with the table next to them I overheard one of them saying, "I hope we don't get that guy, I want a sexy waiter tonight." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 718

You deserved it 3 068

By Anonymous - 15/08/2011 02:39 - Reserved

Today, I was knocked into a wall by a high-pressure water cannon suddenly kicking in. I was only going to the corner store to buy some chocolate. Probably serves me right for not noticing a small riot due to a thumping hangover. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 964

You deserved it 6 992

By fmlcops - 22/05/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, my car died on a major road, a cop pulled over to help, he offered to jump me, while doing so because my battery was so dead he told me to put the gas on the floor, I did and my car roared to life, he then pulled me over five feet from where my car died to give me a ticket for a loud exhaust. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 178

You deserved it 5 438

No free lunch

By ParkingGuy - 15/08/2009 00:19 - United States

Today, while working as a parking booth attendant, I decided to be nice and give a woman free parking. I said, "Give me a high five and I'll give you free parking, since I already did the paperwork." She said, "I'd rather pay," with a really disgusted look. I also had to redo the paperwork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 488

You deserved it 8 510

By Raiders4ever - 21/10/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, I saw my son. I didn't know I had a son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 292

You deserved it 24 944

Creeped out

By Really jealous - 26/01/2021 09:31 - India

Spicy

Today, my best friend confided in me that she's going to have sex with her cousin. Shocked, I tried to convince her not to and how it's a horrible idea. She called me a jealous bastard who can't get laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 320

You deserved it 197

By cdestarac - 10/01/2012 06:07 - United States

Today, I met my fiancé's parents for the first time. The only problem was that I was highly intoxicated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 136

You deserved it 37 682

By CollegeGrad - 25/04/2009 06:39 - United States

Today, was my graduation from a prestigious university. In two days I start working at a hot dog stand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 688

You deserved it 16 902

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Top comments

supersnakesolid 0

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Thursday 26 November 2009 20:17

twilight sucks

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Thursday 26 November 2009 21:10

you should dump him before you find out he has a boyfriend.

Comments

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Thursday 26 November 2009 20:07

so? maybe he's on Team Edward?

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Thursday 26 November 2009 22:39

What's wrong with Twilight? __________________________ www.myspace.com/rapid99

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Thursday 26 November 2009 22:48

Whoa there, twilight is a good movie, the only reason people are precieved "gay" for liking it, is because billions upon billions of teenage girls are in an orb of obsession over it. Besides theres hot women on the film? faggots F all you igonorant people O and this is officialy the 3rd comment on this FML Sue me? WIN +100

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Thursday 26 November 2009 22:49

everything.

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Thursday 26 November 2009 23:12

What's /right/ with Twilight?

rm010 0

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Friday 27 November 2009 3:35

WOOhoooo Go team Jacob!!

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Friday 27 November 2009 10:09

OP, his going to leave you for a guy.

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Saturday 28 November 2009 2:23

So OP, what is it like being your boyfriends cover up for being gay?

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Tuesday 1 December 2009 23:58

Too true to the guy(s) that say he's gay.

Secret_Fire_King 0

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Sunday 28 February 2010 9:51

Gay? Possibly. I think what really happened was that the bf took his gf to see twilight in an attempt to get her in bed. But, evidently it did not work. He ended up getting horny instead.

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Wednesday 30 June 2010 21:05

yea

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Monday 12 July 2010 11:38

he's gay. cut and run. or do his younger sister. jailbait!!! sorry... I'm psycho. oh, and by the way, I'm on team bram mofos!!!

X0XyentroucX0X 0

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Thursday 26 November 2009 20:10

lol wow i can understand seeing any movie once but twice is just kinda weird, i would go online if i wanted to see it a second time. anyway have fun sharing your thanksgiving meal of a bucket of popcorn.

X0XyentroucX0X 0

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Thursday 26 November 2009 20:11

ok the Twilight rants really are annoying. So what if her bf is a twilight fanatic ( but still weird for seeing it 4 a second time)

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Thursday 26 November 2009 20:18

Usually the girl in the relationship is the twilight fanatic. It's the thought that it's the other way around in this situation that makes it funny.

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Thursday 26 November 2009 21:14

Thank you and agreed. Who fucking cares what anyone else likes? Post something interesting people. And how's this any different than any other movie? You try to tolerate what your partner likes. That's just a relationship basic. And that doesn't include bitching about it on FML.

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Saturday 30 January 2010 21:03

Why abbreviate '4' and not 'second'?

Megzx 0

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Thursday 26 November 2009 20:12

Well maybe he just likes the movie..

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Thursday 26 November 2009 20:16

And maybe the Nazi's just wanted the Jews to do their taxes.

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Thursday 26 November 2009 20:12

I'm a guy, and I want to see it, but I'm going to wait till I can rent the DVD... But dragging your girlfriend to go see it twice? Eugh...

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Thursday 26 November 2009 20:13

My boyfriend loves twilight too (:

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Thursday 26 November 2009 20:20

he must be one a them queer-o sexuals

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Thursday 26 November 2009 20:58

Pretty likely,

supersnakesolid 0

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Thursday 26 November 2009 20:17

twilight sucks

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Thursday 26 November 2009 20:20

Have the "sorry, I don't want to watch it again" answer ever came to your mind?...

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Thursday 26 November 2009 20:22

So? God forbid people like things. Obviously your life is in ruins because your boyfriend chose to like something.

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Thursday 26 November 2009 20:26

Well seeing how Twilight is all about half naked sparkly vampires and wolves and it's a movie that is 100% geared towards teenage girls and gay guys I would be questioning if he was gay or not. that's what the FML would be

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Thursday 26 November 2009 20:23

Just say 'No' if you already watched it and didn't want to go 2nd time.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 923

You deserved it 120

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 229

You deserved it 295