Today, I went to attend my summer school class again after being... - FML

By live2dance4ever

Today, I went to attend my summer school class again after being out sick for a week. When I said "Here" during roll call, everyone started cheering and clapping. Apparently, my professor has been badmouthing me while I've been absent for pretending to be sick. I'm sure my grade will be fantastic. FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Egg mode

By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I'm sat at home alone on a Friday night, watching a documentary online about decomposing elephants. FML

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By motherfuck666 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend's mom got him a shitload of Axe for his birthday. Now I get nauseous whenever I go near him. FML

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By munchkin - France

Today, I ran into a car. I suffered a concussion and broke my nose. I wasn't driving. I walked right into it. It was parked. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, at work, I took an order from a stuck-up sounding lady over the phone. She said her last name was "duckling, but with an F". Bemused, I wrote her name on the order. When she arrived to pick it up later, she told me she'd said "s", not "f". FML

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By wrongman

Today, at the public pool, my boyfriend dived from one side to the other. I jumped in to reward him underwater, kissing him everywhere and grabbing his crotch, until I noticed his shorts were different. I surfaced to see that my boyfriend was still far away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that shaving my unibrow while drunk/high was a terrible idea. I also learned that one brow looks better than no brow. FML

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By someonepleasehelpme - United States - Centreville

Today, I ran into my boyfriend of 5 years. The weird thing was that he was supposed to be in Iran. The even weirder thing was that he was with his wife and kids. FML

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By ZombieGirl0417 - United States - Jupiter

Today, my aunt asked to see my new airsoft pistol. Not thinking anything of it, I handed it to her. She shot me in the leg. I was standing next to her. FML

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By Trainer Calypso - United States - Schofield

Today, I went to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. I watched as my uncle and his girlfriend snuck off to the bathroom together, where they stayed until someone else tried to get in. When they came out, she was wiping her mouth. I need new eyes. FML

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By I miss bread - 14/12/2020 17:04 - Australia - Brisbane

Pile on

Today, I found out I'm going to be celebrating New Year's with a gastroscopy and colonoscopy. It's been two days since I discovered I'm gluten intolerant to go with my lactose intolerance. It's also my 28th birthday tomorrow. FML

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By Confusedfiance

Today, my ex messaged me out of the blue saying she found my fiancé's tinder profile. I told her there was no way it was true. It actually was. FML

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By ChestExploding - United States - Greensboro

Today, I tripped and fell, damaging my sternum and making it incredibly painful to breathe in or out too much. About ten minutes later, I got the hiccups. FML

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By no luck - United States

Today, I found out less than 3 weeks before my wedding my fiancé will lose his new, great paying job unless we cancel our nonrefundable honeymoon. FML

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By Username - France

Today, at work, my boss made me spend a hour trying to catch a baby raccoon in the parking lot. I'm a bank teller. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had dinner with my family at a fancy restaurant. They kept commenting about how cold it was and asked the waitress to turn off the air conditioning. When I got home, I realized the embroidered daisies on my undershirt made it look like I have giant protruding nipples. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I paid a repair man $65 to come to my house and fix my washer. He walked in, looked at the washer, bent over and removed a large steel bolt with a bright red tag sticking out the side saying "Remove before use." He then looked at me and said "all fixed." FML

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By danny

Today, while working at a chain restaurant, I forgot to charge someone a few dollars for extra toppings on the side. My stingy boss took the time to take that money out of my paycheck. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2021 20:01

Stuck

Today, my grandma and her neighbor compared their sports bras in front of me. FML

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By Noname - France

Today, I've just lost over £12,000 and it's not even halfway through the trading day. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found my 5-year-old son prancing around in high heels and cat ears, wearing a thong as a necklace, and waving a riding crop around like a sword. He'd found the box where granny keeps her special outfits that make granddad extra happy on Friday nights. FML

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By JackieD - United States - Bellevue

Today, I was watching the movie Frozen with my 8 year old daughter. I had seen it before, so I sung along with some of the songs. My daughter put a finger over my lips, said "Shhhhhhhhut the fuck up," then turned back to the TV, giggling. FML

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By firegirl

Today, I finally got over a long bout of constipation. I was scared to ask my mom for laxatives because I had the feeling she would tell all her friends, but on the 6th day of absolutely no bowel movements, I caved. I later overheard my mom telling all her friends. FML

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By tawan - United Kingdom

Today, I set off a fire alarm in school. I was taken to the head teacher's office, where he said that though he was shocked at my behavior, it was nice to see me being more like regular students and trying to fit in, instead of isolating myself as usual. I was shoved into the fire alarm by bullies. FML

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By WellShit - United States - New Richland

Today, I found out that there's something my new wife hates more than spiders. Black people. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a girl at a bar. After buying her a few drinks, we decided to head back to her place. Not wanting to leave either of our cars, I followed her home. While driving, she sent me text because she missed her exit. I tried to text her back something witty and instead rear ended her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML

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By Jim - 25/12/2020 02:01

Life choices

Today, my mom is coming to pick up the Christmas presents we got for her and her husband. She won’t come inside or come within 6 feet, so she can be healthy when she goes down to the ex-wife’s parents house to hang out. The ex in-laws that hate me. Glad my mom chose them over me. FML

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By crazyhair docare

Today, after a lifetime of weaves and extensions, I felt brave enough to wear my natural hair to work. As soon as I clocked in, my manager yelled, “Holy shit! What happened to you? Stick your finger in a socket or something?” I was then sent home for being, “Out of uniform.” FML

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By chumleevil - United States

Today, after running a couple of miles, I went upstairs into my air-conditioned room to cool off. Apparently, my mom walked past my room and heard me breathing heavily. Later, she had my dad give me a talk about masturbation. FML

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By FML136969 - United States - Oxford

Today, I tried channeling Mr. Miyagi by catching a fly with my bare hands. It turned out to be a wasp. FML

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By CatLady

Today, I was having dinner at a restaurant with my best friend and her 18-month-old. I really had to fart, so I let one go silently, hoping it would go unnoticed. I caught a whiff of it, but so did my friend apparently, because she made a face and then held up her baby to smell her diaper. FML

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By SingleStrongArm - Canada - Oshawa

Today, marks the third week in which my girlfriend has gone without taking a shower. She does this every so often, taking showers roughly once per month. She's convinced baby wipes will "hold her over". FML

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By willieboom - United States

Today, I turned 30 years old. My dad, the only living relative I have, gave me a call. Not to wish me a happy birthday, but to tell me about "a hot piece of ass" he nailed at the senior center last night. FML

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By birthday blues - United States

Today, it's my birthday. The only time people have contacted me is to ask who I voted for. FML

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By NeedToBeMessier - United States - Hardwick

Today, the couple I've been housesitting for returned. Apparently, I kept the place too clean, and they don't believe that I actually stayed here. They're refusing to pay me. FML

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By anon - United States - Medford

Today, my girlfriend and I were going through some troubles in our relationship, and she said to me, "No offense, but I really hope no other relationship I have in the future will be like this one." Some offense taken. FML

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By Hayley - Canada

Today, I sneezed with so much force while I was driving that I whacked my head on the steering wheel and honked the horn. FML

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By milly - Norway

Today, my mother commented "loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes. FML

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By AmPatt - United States - Grand Junction

Today, despite driving extremely slowly and cautiously, we slid off the road due to ice and snow. The car hit a rock and the airbags deployed. We were in my 3-month-old car because the engine in my husband's truck blew last week. Merry Christmas to us. FML

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By embaressed - Canada

Today, I realised I like Britney Spears. FML

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Top comments

By mackdeezy | 21

#7818675 - Saturday 6 July 2019 14:09

Hopefully you got a Dr note. Sorry your professor is being an ass.

By grass20 | 3

#7819446 - Tuesday 9 July 2019 8:44

I think that your professor is not fit to be a professor.

COMMENTS

By mackdeezy | 21

#7818675 - Saturday 6 July 2019 14:09

Hopefully you got a Dr note. Sorry your professor is being an ass.

By grass20 | 3

#7819446 - Tuesday 9 July 2019 8:44

I think that your professor is not fit to be a professor.