Health: Today, I went to an amusement park with my family. I was the... - FML

By Username - 24/07/2011 06:22 - United States

Today, I went to an amusement park with my family. I was the only one who put on sunblock, and the only one who got a sunburn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 620

You deserved it 3 928

Taking stock

Dysfunctional

Best birthday ever!

"Now, I ain't sayin' she a gold digger…"

By Anonymous - 27/05/2020 20:00

Today, my wife wants a divorce. Apparently, she only married me for my potential, since my twin brother is a lawyer, she hoped I’d become a success as well, but since I’m content to be a carpenter, she considers me a disappointment and a failure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 255

You deserved it 144

Chainsaw massacre

By sleepless in sleeplessness - 18/06/2021 11:01 - United States

Today, my girlfriend snores like a lumberjack. Even when I leave to sleep on the couch, I can still hear her through the door. She won’t go to the doctor because, "snoring runs in her family and they’re all just fine." Yeah, uh huh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 852

You deserved it 119

By Anonymous - 02/09/2015 18:02 - United States

Today, someone left sticky notes with inspirational messages on everyone's locker. Well, almost everyone. My locker was the only one without a note. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 550

You deserved it 1 907

By Dafuq happen there - 23/08/2014 07:34 - South Africa

Spicy

Today, after a long silent and awkward pause after asking my girlfriend's dad if I can take her on holiday for Christmas, he looked me dead in the eyes and said "No, you may not impregnate my daughter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 572

You deserved it 6 600

By Anonymous - 08/05/2011 19:21 - United States

Today, I confided to my dad that since the recent breakup with my boyfriend of 3 months, I feel down all the time and life doesn't feel worth living anymore. His loving advice was for me to "grow the fuck up and get your sentimental head out of la-la land." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 005

You deserved it 71 954

By djl - 20/12/2012 05:30 - Canada - Beaumont

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me his Christmas gift to me was custom made. I told my parents in excitement, thinking it could possibly be a ring. Half an hour later he told me what it was; a molded dildo of his penis. It's going to be an awkward conversation with my parents when they ask what I got. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 934

You deserved it 15 303

By jsw029 - 26/02/2009 04:51 - United States

Spicy

Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. We start having sex and about 30 seconds in he stops and says it's not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek and leaves. Turns out he already came. I call his phone - wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 831

You deserved it 20 826

By Anonymous - 20/11/2012 01:15 - United States

Today, my girlfriend looked me straight in the eye and said, "I know about the sea turtles." I asked her what she was talking about and she said, "Next time, shut up or I'll show you pain." I have no idea what she's talking about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 557

You deserved it 2 322

By I fathered a pussy. - 14/06/2013 22:12 - United States - Lakeland

Today, my son visited for the first time in three years, asking to stay a while. It turns out he insulted someone online and gave his address in case they wanted to fight him. They accepted the offer, and so my son's imaginary Muay Thai skills went AWOL, along with his testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 928

You deserved it 4 913

Sick board!

By Anonymous - 21/04/2021 20:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, it was my first time trying to longboard. I ended up going down a steep hill and didn’t know to how stop. I wound up in the hospital with a fractured knee and bruises all over from trying to stop myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 444

You deserved it 670

By YOURMOM - 31/12/2011 07:24 - United States

Today, I was at the park feeding nuts to some squirrels. One fell down my shirt and the next thing I know I'm being attacked by a squirrel that looked like it was on steroids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 986

You deserved it 5 986

By Why? - 05/11/2015 03:57 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, our dog died. My daughter was really upset about it, so my husband tried to cheer her up. "At least she will be doing something that she liked forever: Sleeping!" My daughter continued to cry for half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 588

You deserved it 1 971

By ice4eva - 21/06/2019 14:05

Today, I was eating pizza and I started bitching about how our campus doesn't have any healthy food choices, and that I was forced to eat this disgusting, greasy pizza. My friend then pointed out that I was standing next to the salad bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 482

You deserved it 3 362

By fartje - 25/01/2015 18:21 - Netherlands

Today, I had a job interview. The interviewer blatantly farted as I sat down, then she sneered, "Making yourself comfortable, I see..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 571

You deserved it 2 444

Silver linings

By Anonymous - 07/10/2009 01:11 - Canada

Today, I went shopping for a new pair of jeans. I was feeling good about the fact that I was going down a waist size until the cashier decided to discuss with me, three co-workers, and the ten other people in line how she didn't even know jeans came in sizes that big. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 311

You deserved it 6 785

By nolove - 14/11/2012 10:36 - Australia

Spicy

Today, the love of my life, and long term partner, sat me down and told me that he feels so comfortable in our relationship that he no longer feels the need to have sex with me, and he doesn't think that that will ever change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 420

You deserved it 3 639

By victimboi - 05/06/2009 19:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a taxi home from work. Only having notes in my wallet, I told the taxi driver that I'd run inside my house and come back out with the change for the journey. He agreed, but only if I left my bag as collateral. It seemed fair. An hour later, I realized my wallet was missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 312

You deserved it 48 252

By drama king? - 10/04/2013 22:17 - United States - Bolivar

Today, I had a friend "dump" me over Facebook. She apparently thought we were dating. I'm a gay man who's lived with his partner for 5 years. She says I have commitment issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 488

You deserved it 5 980

By legallyblondemad - 29/08/2009 19:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at the park with my new boyfriend. We were sitting between some trees, when some of his mates turned up at the park. He pushed me behind a tree so his mates wouldn't see and went to join them in a game of football. He pretended not to know me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 847

You deserved it 5 267

Don't send dickpics (unless requested)

By rachele321 - 20/08/2019 02:00

Spicy

Today, some guy sent a dickpic to my phone. I was disgusted, and wanted to find out who did it. I called the police, and they matched the number to my stepfather's new phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 902

You deserved it 205

By Vinny1017 - 07/10/2010 14:26 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend's father if I could marry his daughter. He smiled, shook my hand, and said "No, now get out of my house." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 355

You deserved it 4 821

By skunked - 18/06/2013 18:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was visiting my childhood home, and I checked out my old treehouse. A family of skunks had made it their home, and I was promptly sprayed upon entering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 318

You deserved it 7 054

By xolaurennnn - 22/05/2015 15:55 - United States

Today, it was hot out, so I wore shorts. My dad took one look at me and said, "Your thighs are so pale, it's like staring into the sun". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 200

You deserved it 3 287

By Arghh - 13/04/2011 13:34 - United States

Today, I had an allergic reaction to cranberry juice. The only reason I was drinking cranberry juice was to help with a bladder infection. Now I'm covered in what looks like a rash and peeing constantly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 839

You deserved it 3 318

One day…

By Animal - 24/02/2011 19:14 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my mom was snooping around my room, and found the unopened box of glow in the dark condoms I bought myself year ago. She laughed and said, "No takers yet, eh?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 176

You deserved it 17 061

By Nick - 27/07/2011 17:32 - Australia

Today, I was helping clean my grandpa's garage when I found some of his old election posters from the '50s. They included slogans such as, "Dick: you know it feels right" and "Want growth? Choose Dick." I'm not sure whether to be disgusted or impressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 643

You deserved it 4 693

By ivyleaguebabe - 03/06/2009 21:48 - United States

Today, my sister asked me to help her set up for my niece's birthday party. Being the lazy person that I am, I got my niece to blow up the non-helium balloons. Apparently she's allergic to latex and I'll be the one paying for the hospital bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 731

You deserved it 59 874

Stay safe

By notaslut - 08/01/2020 22:00 - United States - Greeley

Spicy

Today, I walked into my best friend's house and her mom threw a box of condoms at me and said, "Stay safe, slut." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 622

You deserved it 580

By xRyu - 09/10/2014 00:30 - United States - Denver

Today, I found out via a voicemail from my boss that my hours are being cut. He said, "They said I can't fire you, so you'll only be getting 20 hours a week. Starting today." Who'd they give my other 20 hours to? The one person that calls off sick almost daily and is never on time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 169

You deserved it 2 833

By Poopie - 29/01/2011 06:06 - Canada

Today, after suffering from constipation for three days, I finally took a dump. Just as things reached the point of no return, my land line and doorbell all rang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 156

You deserved it 3 186

By Anonymous - 08/12/2013 20:39 - United States

Today, I was chatting with my mother. She was telling me about some new mouthwash she recently got, and the moment the word "gargle" escaped her lips, my husband muttered just a little too loudly from the kitchen, "How about gargling my balls instead, bitch." Our family is now at war. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 958

You deserved it 5 770

By Broon - 25/05/2012 19:55 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, on the brink of a stiflingly hot summer, I've come to a terrible realisation. It seems the apartment I've just moved into has been specially insulated to trap enough heat inside for the occupants to survive the planet's next Ice Age. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 882

You deserved it 2 510

By Anonymous - 24/07/2017 07:00 - United States - Warren

Today, while having a bad dream, I went to punch a bully in the face. Mid-swing I wake up and punch the solid concrete wall to my basement bedroom FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 208

You deserved it 622

By brichard22 - 12/07/2015 14:25 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took away my 8-year-old daughter's toy for throwing it too many times. She then said, "I need a beer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 769

You deserved it 5 775

By sickkid - 23/11/2009 18:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out that my dad hides his Viagra from my mom by keeping it in an Aspirin container. Now I have a terrible headache and a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 005

You deserved it 4 714

Best day of my life

By poorgirl - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my dad threw up on my dress. My wedding dress. While he was walking me down the aisle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 126

You deserved it 3 454

By Sam - 19/05/2009 09:21 - Belgium

Today, on the way to an exam I saw a car accident happen. I stopped, helped the woman who was injured and waited for the paramedics. I was too late at school, the teacher didn't buy my excuse and I failed the exam. It was an examination of my first aid skills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 908

You deserved it 4 297

By Anonymous - 02/10/2011 11:51 - United States

Today, on my way to work I swerved to avoid hitting a dead animal. Too bad I ended up hitting a live one instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 869

You deserved it 8 982

By carsuck - 11/11/2009 05:55 - United States

Today, I woke up at 6:00 am to the sound of somebody laying on their horn outside my apartment. I ran outside to yell at them only to find out it was my car. The horn was shortcircuting. All my neighbors stood on their porch laughing as I repeatedly punched my steering wheel to make it stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 300

You deserved it 4 141

Not really a good idea

By Anonymous - 27/02/2020 18:00

Spicy

Today, I decide to let my boyfriend introduce food into our sex life, then a few days after we used melted chocolate I got a UTI. I’ve never had a UTI before in my life so I’m blaming him for the fact it feels like I’m peeing needles dipped in acid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 917

You deserved it 2 273

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Top comments

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Sunday 24 July 2011 15:59

The proper way to apply sunblock is to bathe in it for at least 176 hours. If you do that you'll not only be protected from the sun, but possibly a nuclear blast.

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Sunday 24 July 2011 15:54

Murphy's Law. Didn't you learn to reapply every two hours?

Comments

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Sunday 24 July 2011 15:51

welll so much for that :/

thesunsetglow_fml 8

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Sunday 24 July 2011 15:54

Maybe the OPs skin colour is the same as Voldemorts, that lovely pasty colour. You don't see Voldemort hanging out in the sun now, do you. Tsk.

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Sunday 24 July 2011 15:58

That's because the sun is fucking scared of Voldemort. He's like the Chuck Norris of the wizarding world. And Harry is Bruce Lee from Return of the Dragon. It's a stretch. Deal with it.

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Sunday 24 July 2011 16:01

I guess your skin is an over-achiever

thesunsetglow_fml 8

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Sunday 24 July 2011 16:09

In that case, 11, the OP must not be as terrifying as Voldemort/Chuck Norris and therefore should NOT have been in the sun because they're just the pasty disgusting baby thing Voldemort was before he became human. OP you deserve it for being a nasty Voldemort baby.

dolphincheddar 10

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Sunday 24 July 2011 16:57

I smell a daywalker

letsgoflyakite 2

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Sunday 24 July 2011 17:00

STORY OF MY LIFE

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Sunday 24 July 2011 17:01

sounds like you got... BURNED!

dolphincheddar 10

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Sunday 24 July 2011 17:14

18. last time i checked voldemort was always a human, it's his death spell that reflected off Harry and hit him that made him like that.

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Sunday 24 July 2011 17:30

So you look like me now?

thesunsetglow_fml 8

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Sunday 24 July 2011 17:44

42- Because he split his soul into seven pieces he is no longer considered entirely human. :)

dolphincheddar 10

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Sunday 24 July 2011 17:51

51. so if he has no soul I guess he's a ginger.

ChucktheNorris 0

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Sunday 24 July 2011 19:04

that's mah skin color

thesunsetglow_fml 8

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Sunday 24 July 2011 19:51

53; he must have been! If you've ever looked up "coppercab" on YouTube you'll see how the ginger kids feel about their "soulless" reputation ;) quite hilarious :)

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Sunday 24 July 2011 20:04

Get some ice for that "burnnnn".

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Sunday 24 July 2011 20:04

Get some ice for that "burnnnn".

HolyHandGrenade 4

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Sunday 24 July 2011 20:36

I find this FML quite amusing.

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Sunday 24 July 2011 21:00

stop saying his name!!!

Tommananaze6T9 4

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Monday 25 July 2011 10:35

just cuz u put on spf 2 sunblock doesnt mean u wont get sunburnt

iLikeWaffles155 5

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Sunday 24 July 2011 15:51

What SPF was it?

partyfool2011 4

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Sunday 24 July 2011 16:09

SPF 400

thesunsetglow_fml 8

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Sunday 24 July 2011 16:26

SPF Voldemort.

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Sunday 24 July 2011 16:29

spf-not good enough for gingers

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Sunday 24 July 2011 16:36

SPF blow me gently

Madiluvsyuh98 2

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Sunday 24 July 2011 16:38

26-don't hate on gingers

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Sunday 24 July 2011 16:43

...but gingers don't have souls?!

Madiluvsyuh98 2

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Sunday 24 July 2011 17:00

why don't you get off your butt and stop watching south park!!!!

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Sunday 24 July 2011 17:04

36- lol. you mad? it's a joke get over it.

dolphincheddar 10

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Sunday 24 July 2011 17:17

someones obsessed with harry potter, *cough* 24 *cough*

Madiluvsyuh98 2

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Sunday 24 July 2011 17:23

40- you get over it

JesusFishTaco 5

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Sunday 24 July 2011 17:40

You mad, brah?

thesunsetglow_fml 8

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Sunday 24 July 2011 17:42

43- Only because it's over. :'( And because I wish to continue my refrence from the previous comment. :)

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Sunday 24 July 2011 17:58

44- Because I'm mad about people poking fun at gingers, right?

Madiluvsyuh98 2

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Sunday 24 July 2011 18:01

youre weird....

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Sunday 24 July 2011 18:21

spf 69

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Sunday 24 July 2011 20:44

SPF -250

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Sunday 24 July 2011 21:00

AntiSPF! Make you burn faster!

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Sunday 24 July 2011 21:50

I've actually never seen that Southpark episode. Its hilarious though because its true.

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Sunday 24 July 2011 21:54

26 I am a Ginger and I dont get sunburn a lot, and when I do it doesn't hurt

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Sunday 24 July 2011 22:19

thats why i use spf- chuck norris!

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Sunday 24 July 2011 22:51

59 if your profile pic was 78's your comment would have been a lot better

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Monday 25 July 2011 3:00

Well, clearly not SPF >9000..

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Monday 25 July 2011 6:48

lol fucking awesome

mexicanpolarbear 2

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Monday 25 July 2011 8:17

SPF OVER 9000!

edogy 0

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 5:05

121, I was going to say that and I was just looking for the bottom of the comments. Fucker. >:(

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 10:05

^Comment 108 was actually the first to say over 9000. Just thought I would let cha know.

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Sunday 24 July 2011 15:54

Murphy's Law. Didn't you learn to reapply every two hours?

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Sunday 24 July 2011 18:45

random thought: I have never seen somebody with a confirmed FML

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Sunday 24 July 2011 21:05

probably was suntanning lotion instead of sunblock that he was using

fashionistaGirll 0

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Sunday 24 July 2011 15:54

Oh well that sucks...

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Sunday 24 July 2011 18:43

no it burns

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Sunday 24 July 2011 15:54

it was probably like old or something.

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Monday 25 July 2011 19:32

maybe your old.

edogy 0

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Tuesday 26 July 2011 5:08

And you're like, dumb or something.

jonmansheppard 9

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Sunday 24 July 2011 15:56

FYL!

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Sunday 24 July 2011 15:57

About that tan you were working on...

AngryCanadian 0

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Sunday 24 July 2011 20:57

That dungeon tan... OP must be pale as fuck

edogy 0

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Monday 25 July 2011 0:57

8 your picture made me laugh uncontrollably.

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Sunday 24 July 2011 15:57

Some people burn more easily then others, my mom gets burn even when she puts on high SPF. Re-apply?

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Sunday 24 July 2011 15:58

wow you're as salty as grits

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Sunday 24 July 2011 18:25

so are you.

SadinSherman 16

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Sunday 24 July 2011 18:28

What does that even mean?

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Sunday 24 July 2011 15:59

The proper way to apply sunblock is to bathe in it for at least 176 hours. If you do that you'll not only be protected from the sun, but possibly a nuclear blast.

CS1Energypyre 18

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Sunday 24 July 2011 17:06

This is where I wish we could favourite comments.

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Sunday 24 July 2011 18:22

That would even protect your bone marrow from burning.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 5

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 500

You deserved it 147

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 767

You deserved it 111