Today, I was walking through town when a rough looking woman...

By Anonymous - 30/5/2011 08:28 - Australia

Today, I was walking through town when a rough looking woman asked me for a cigarette. I don't smoke but I offered her some apples, and she took two. As I continued on past her, she pegged both of them at me, hitting the back of my head. FML

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Miscellaneous

DINOSAURS!!

Great boyfriend

Delayed proposal

By Anonymous - 3/4/2013 12:06 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I seemingly decided not to remove my foot from the pedal-clip of my bicycle until I had properly introduced myself to the cement. FML

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By argh - 3/3/2012 00:14 - Australia

Today, my friend told me how she crept out last night to hook up with her boyfriend. At one point, she said she "snack" out, so I corrected her by saying it's "snuck". My boyfriend snorted, showed us in a dictionary that it's actually "sneaked" and called us "fucking idiots". FML

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By Joe - 27/8/2012 13:33 - United States - Coalgate

Today, I started my new job at a fragrance store. While training, the manager had me smell all of the scents to become familiar with the products. Before my shift was over, I'd had three asthma attacks. FML

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By =( - 15/2/2015 14:52 - Australia

Today, once again I tried to convince my dad to stop smoking. And once again, while I was speaking, he lit up a cigarette and smoked until my asthma flared up and I was wheezing so hard that I had to leave the room. FML

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By seriously - 5/3/2013 00:43 - United States - Goshen

Today, I was being interviewed for an amazing job when I was asked what animal I would describe myself as. Trying to be prompt, I picked the first thing that came to me. I responded with, "I'd be a turtle because I'm really slow sometimes." FML

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By HkxAliso0302 - 3/3/2020 22:00 - China - Beijing

News from China

Today, I've been trapped at home for almost two months because of the epidemic. Now I'm thrilled just to get to go outside to throw garbage away, as if I'm going on a trip. FML

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By - 16/11/2019 18:00

My anal beads

Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

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By Devil - 11/12/2012 06:07 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, at the gas station, the automatic door didn't open when I approached it. I asked the cashier to open it for me, joking that because I'm a redhead, I didn't have a soul and it wouldn't open for me. The cashier freaked and wouldn't let me go until I proved I had a soul. FML

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By lsta - 4/5/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I donated blood for the first time, and all the nurses kept complimenting on how good my veins were. That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in the past 2 months. FML

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By CP19JK12KH - 3/1/2010 09:56 - United States

Today, I had a rare phone call from my ex-girlfriend. We ended up talking for hours about old times. It was the best conversation we have had in forever, it made me miss her and miss us. Later on in the day, she called back asking what we talked about. She was too high too remember. FML

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By ...thanks honey - 18/8/2010 06:23 - United States

Today, I put on my new sexy lingerie to get my husband in the mood after work. When I walked into the kitchen where he was reading the newspaper, he eyed me and simply said, "Honey, please, your stomach is the biggest turnoff ever." FML

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By chessgeeksam - 14/3/2009 19:28 - United States

Today, I learned that the surprise party thrown for my girlfriend's 19th birthday was wonderful and she couldn't be happier. Except that I didn't show up. Apparently 40 people were invited but I wasn't one of them. We've been going out for three years. FML

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By still poor - 5/12/2014 06:17 - United States - Carlisle

Today, my dad texted me saying he had "big news." I immediately called, thrilled, because I assumed he meant that he finally found a job and that our money troubles were over. The "big news" was him being excited at seeing an actor from one TV show he likes in another TV show. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2014 17:06 - United States

Today, my dad vehemently refused to let me go on vacation to France with my best friend, because he watched Taken a few months ago and apparently forgot that it's just a movie. FML

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By too good - 24/10/2014 10:54 - United Kingdom - Dartford

Today, my boyfriend and I tried roleplaying a teacher-student during sex. We're both studying to be actors, so we ended up going into a really deep, emotional storyline that didn't end in sex at all. FML

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By Bec - 25/7/2011 14:10 - Australia

Today, the police were canvassing my neighbourhood about a recent robbery. When I answered the door, my brother saw badges, panicked, and jumped out our apartment's third-storey window in an attempt to escape. He thought they were after him for using a bong two weeks ago. I'm related to this twit. FML

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By Anonymoose - 8/9/2015 19:12 - United States - West Long Branch

Today, I found out I wasn't cool enough to be invited to a college party that happened last night. The one in charge of inviting people was my girlfriend of two years. FML

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By 86145 - 16/8/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, my friends were all sharing sweet things their boyfriends had shared with them. After hearing "he says I look pretty without makeup" or "he promises we'll get married one day", I realized that the only compliment he's given me is that my laughter "sounds like a squirrel having a seizure." FML

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By fatpreggo - 7/8/2009 20:14 - United States

Today, I was proudly telling my husband that I only gained 8lbs through the pregnancy thus far. I usually obsess over my weight so it was a great accomplishment for me. He then turned and pinched my arms. "well it looks like all the fat migrated to your arms." FML

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By ... - 4/1/2014 05:25 - United States

Today, I wrote a text to the guy I've had a crush on for two years. I typed "hey" and put my phone down, not ready to send it. A little while later, I heard it buzz. The reply said "Um... what?" Apparently my sister had added "I'm a shitty prostitute" to my text and sent it. FML

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By DaveAlmighty - 2/7/2009 07:22 - United States

Today, I caught some perverts sitting in a car in front of my house, spying on my neighbors. When they refused to leave, I grabbed a baseball bat and they sped off in a hurry. Later, those same perverts came back to arrest my neighbors for drug trafficking. I had threatened cops. FML

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By you fucking idiot - 19/12/2013 17:20 - United States - Union

Today, I found out the money my husband's been funneling from our bank account wasn't for drugs or gifts for another girl like I thought. It was for a guy he stupidly believed was a foreign diplomat, who supposedly needed to bribe officials in order to send us several million dollars. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2010 16:24 - United States

Today, I found out that my 43 year old wife has been having a cyber relationship with a 14 year old kid on Halo. FML

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By jesushelpme - 22/10/2012 19:08 - United States - Nixa

Today, I came home to find an almost completely devoured cheesecake, The Notebook playing on the TV, and a shoe thrown at my head. It's safe to say my girlfriend is just about on her period. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2014 02:13 - United States - Winter Park

Today, I started at a new school. It's a pretty great school, but there's only one problem: Everybody thinks I'm a teacher. I'm only a freshman. FML

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By cedechan - 29/9/2012 04:08 - United States - Tucson

Today, I got food poisoning at work. I had my head in the toilet when the auto flush decided to turn on. The force of the flush was so powerful half of what I threw up splashed back into my face. FML

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By wowjuststop - 3/10/2009 01:01 - United States

Today, I got offered a ride to go home for the weekend. I go to college six hours away from home and haven't seen my family for almost two months. When I called my mom with the good news, she told me not to come. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2012 22:49 - United States

Today, trying to pocket a little extra cash for himself, my dad responded to multiple babysitting ads on Craigslist, accepting them all on my behalf. I despise children with all my heart. FML

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By walker - 4/10/2009 21:33 - United States

Today, my family and I went on a picnic in the park 45 minutes drive away from our house. I fell asleep beneath a tree. They left me there. FML

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By girlwithaprob - 13/11/2010 21:45 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I was the only girl he'd ever text, call, or flirt with again. Later on he told two other girls exactly the same thing on Facebook, not realizing that everybody can read wall messages. FML

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By Obviously works everywhere - 20/9/2017 23:15

The customer is always a dong

Today, a customer filed a formal complaint with corporate about me, because I wouldn't help her find things she wanted while I was off the clock. We were in a completely different store than the one where I actually work. FML

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By independence - 7/7/2011 04:04 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me because he wanted some independence. He moved back into his parents house. FML

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By MikeMoosey - 30/12/2009 18:00 - United States

Today, while pumping gas, I stopped to think about what a failure my life is, and how badly I've treated people in my past. While deep in thought, I accidentally pulled the gas pump out too far and covered myself with gasoline. FML

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By Herman - 25/2/2010 00:57 - France

Today, a guy at work told me to, "Relax, dude", All. Day. Long. FML

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By whitefox123 - 20/9/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, I was riding in the backseat while my mom was driving. Noticing she was driving way over the speed limit, I opened a police siren app on my iPod to make her slow down. When she realized, she pulled over, kicked me out of the car and made me walk home. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2019 02:01

Snug as a bug…

Today, my nose had been feeling weirdly uncomfortable all day. After I got home, I blew my nose really hard. I found that a bug had been resting inside my nose the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2015 16:06 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend of 5 days proposed to me at the mall. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2010 08:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a phone call to say my workplace was closed due to extreme weather conditions. Looking forward to my day off, I then realised the boiler was broken and my house has no heating despite there being a foot of snow outside. I'm spending the day in bed, wearing all my clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, after buying dinner from the supermarket, I had the change in my hand, and my wallet. In the parking lot, a quarter fell out of my hand, and right next to the street drain. As I went to pick it up, my wallet fell down the drain. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2015 04:21 - United States - Erie

Today, I learned not to take sex tips from virgins seriously. "Have sex in the shower", they said. "It'll be fun", they said. Well they didn't take slippage into account. One busted nose and concussion later, I'm not seeing the "fun" part at all. FML

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Top comments

By rosha267 | 21

#2587235 - Monday 30 May 2011 16:02

How are apples an alternative to cigarettes?

By Egnar | 19

#2587239 - Monday 30 May 2011 16:02

"Hey I don't smoke, but here have some apples?" - More than likely the thought of something like that, no matter how sincere you were, probably sounded condescending to her. . As if you were better than her and pitied her for smoking. Really should have just said no, sorry I don't smoke.

COMMENTS

By marinus_fml | 19

#2587144 - Monday 30 May 2011 15:54

In Armadale or Gosnells by any chance OP?

theuns | 8

#2587204 - Monday 30 May 2011 16:00

wouldn't surprise me

theuns | 8

#2587228 - Monday 30 May 2011 16:02

wouldn't surprise me

kmeredith | 8

#2587576 - Monday 30 May 2011 16:47

haha nice! but it could have been coolbellup too! lol

shutupYDI | 4

#2588318 - Monday 30 May 2011 17:14

I Like how this became an Aussie meeting

ADub55 | 0

#2589478 - Monday 30 May 2011 20:56

I dont Like how this became an Aussie meeting

JacksonCampbell | 9

#2589539 - Monday 30 May 2011 21:09

Headshot! +50xp

ragzy | 7

#2590672 - Tuesday 31 May 2011 0:58

I would have thrown the apples at you too! Apples ain't cigs!
To continue the earlier theme, Balga?

Link5794 | 16

#2590857 - Tuesday 31 May 2011 1:30

133 Cigarettes are poison. They contain hydrogen cyanide, which is used for lethal injections.

tjv3 | 10

#2590925 - Tuesday 31 May 2011 1:40

throw them back at her face

ragzy | 7

#2591629 - Tuesday 31 May 2011 5:26

Thank you Link for the information, I'm sure that that will aid in my attempts to quit. I had no idea that cigarettes were full of chemicals, all my packets are from the seventies and don't have the warnings on them. Appreciated.

tstanbury | 0

#2592353 - Tuesday 31 May 2011 7:56

u just got so owned 136..

Daydreamer4466 | 6

#2593335 - Tuesday 31 May 2011 14:42

I have family who live Perth love to visit some the people down under are good people. 

GeraldisTheG | 3

#2593359 - Tuesday 31 May 2011 14:53

who the fuck carries apples around with them

Danny300 | 0

#2599869 - Wednesday 1 June 2011 15:08

Most likely in Armadale, that's where all the hobo shits live.

steveakafranxy | 7

#3028309 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 9:52

#167 someone who was just shopping?

Nathaniellette | 7

#4453499 - Saturday 19 May 2012 0:57

By muchagente | 5

#2587158 - Monday 30 May 2011 15:56

cigarettes hurt way less when thrown. next time give her some.

mattmadden | 0

#2587434 - Monday 30 May 2011 16:24

OP meant the lady threw the APPLES at her.

No_LoveMM | 3

#2587472 - Monday 30 May 2011 16:33

That's why 2 said give her cigarettes, because they don't hurt as much when thrown...

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#2587508 - Monday 30 May 2011 16:40

We should probably be more concerned whether or not she rubbed mouth herpes on those apples....

Crlnprz | 11

#2588298 - Monday 30 May 2011 17:12

umm what? tht comment made no sense to me at all #51

Crlnprz | 11

#2588314 - Monday 30 May 2011 17:14

sorry i meant #41

myxcure | 2

#2588354 - Monday 30 May 2011 17:20

I think it's funny, 48, that your next comment became 51 after your typo...

Crlnprz | 11

#2588406 - Monday 30 May 2011 17:31

lmao yeah im iPhone n i well the keyboard is pretty small xD i admit i failed

blueglue | 0

#2589585 - Monday 30 May 2011 21:17

Do you even know what "OP" means ?

inflames2361 | 0

#2590472 - Tuesday 31 May 2011 0:23

optimus prime obviously

EvilPotato | 14

#2590699 - Tuesday 31 May 2011 1:02

kill her and eat her first born child.

scrapmetal58 | 9

#2591815 - Tuesday 31 May 2011 5:58

Mmmm cancer babies....

By iAmScrubs | 19

#2587173 - Monday 30 May 2011 15:57

Eating a well balanced diet doesn't always help your health I guess.

randomchickkk | 0

#2588423 - Monday 30 May 2011 17:34

looks like an apple day won't keep the doctor away

randomchickkk | 0

#2588430 - Monday 30 May 2011 17:35

katemasen | 0

#2588524 - Monday 30 May 2011 17:56

actually you were correct the first time with *an haha

Mahomie123 | 0

#2588616 - Monday 30 May 2011 18:13

right ^ haha if the word after starts with a vowel then it is "an"!!!! (:

LexxyLiime | 0

#2589376 - Monday 30 May 2011 20:31

um yeah we know? ^ Its "an apple" not "a apple"

josh5634 | 0

#2589799 - Monday 30 May 2011 21:57

he meant an apple "a" day

shhhitsasecret | 0

#2591641 - Tuesday 31 May 2011 5:27

unless you start throwin the apples at your doctor. that oughtta keep em away. :)

TXjuggalo972 | 6

#2591769 - Tuesday 31 May 2011 5:50

a doctor a day keeps the apples away

By joooeee | 3

#2587180 - Monday 30 May 2011 15:58

you should have known it was gonna hurt. you did say she looks like she likes it rough

By Michigan_Girl | 0

#2587196 - Monday 30 May 2011 16:00

Throw them back at her.

jbomber95 | 4

#2587565 - Monday 30 May 2011 16:46

i would have beat her ass up, but op sounds like a bitch

JManHobbs | 0

#2588552 - Monday 30 May 2011 18:03

Offer someone an apple and you're a bitch now?

Ok.

livin_plur | 0

#2588863 - Monday 30 May 2011 19:00

I think she meant bitch as in a pussy because she/he/whoever didnt stick up for themselves, though she doesn't smoke and was nice enough to offer the rude woman something to eat, op sounds smart if you ask me.

sweetcheeksjvl | 0

#2589812 - Monday 30 May 2011 22:01

throw them back and make sure you know you can run fast.

By instantmusic | 4

#2587223 - Monday 30 May 2011 16:01

Well, when life gives you apples...

SnookieBaybie | 0

#2589135 - Monday 30 May 2011 19:44

hahaha throw them !

nicobington | 1

#2589199 - Monday 30 May 2011 19:53

make apple aid

alyslove | 5

#2592119 - Tuesday 31 May 2011 7:00

well, she didn't ask for apples.

XxEmoSnowboarder | 8

#2597580 - Wednesday 1 June 2011 3:53

94 i was gonna say that!! lolz

CamBen42 | 29

#5882103 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 15:22

Make apple grenades

By rosha267 | 21

#2587235 - Monday 30 May 2011 16:02

How are apples an alternative to cigarettes?

livin_plur | 0

#2588884 - Monday 30 May 2011 19:02

ha keepin ur health
and I'm one I talk I smoke, but if somebody offered me an Appel instead I'd take it, it would keep my mind off the next cigarette for a while

CEG3 | 0

#2589170 - Monday 30 May 2011 19:48

smoke an apple? :P

colonel42 | 0

#2589958 - Monday 30 May 2011 22:41

hell yeah, you don't know what passes for a bong in the south.

IHunt | 0

#2591449 - Tuesday 31 May 2011 4:44

hell yeah

Nathaniellette | 7

#4453504 - Saturday 19 May 2012 0:58

Healthier than ciggs

By Egnar | 19

#2587239 - Monday 30 May 2011 16:02

greg84_fml | 21

#2591475 - Tuesday 31 May 2011 4:52

Thank you! That's exactly why u had apples thrown at you.

By WCARlover | 34

#2587284 - Monday 30 May 2011 16:07

lol why would you offer her apples? you probably put razorblades in them didnt you?

By dr3amcatchr | 2

#2587316 - Monday 30 May 2011 16:11

lololol. LYL
I Love Your Life.