Love: Today, I went on a fifth date with a guy, and he asked me if...

By Unlucky - 25/07/2012 13:03 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I went on a fifth date with a guy, and he asked me if we could be boyfriend and girlfriend. Just after I said yes, he pulled out a contract and asked me to sign on the dotted line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 801

You deserved it 3 610

Love

Mother of the year

Such a rewarding career

Hat Up

By silver - 22/07/2018 02:01

Today, while discussing my family on a date, I mentioned that my parents are divorced. She immediately got up and left without a word. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 855

You deserved it 250

By Anonymous - 30/09/2009 21:04 - United States

Today, when I got to work, I found out that I was being laid off. Two hours later, I found out my boss had my name on the wrong list. I was elated. I went to lunch, and on the way back was rear ended in the rain. I was an hour and a half late getting back to work. I was fired upon returning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 833

You deserved it 3 164

By Anonymous - 02/04/2016 03:01 - United States - Fremont

Today, I left my daughter with a babysitter for the first time. When I came home, my microwave was ruined because they had attempted to heat cans of Play-Doh as a science experiment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 202

You deserved it 1 934

By cupcakelady127 - 23/03/2011 11:25 - United States

Today, I got into a wreck thanks to a big flashing sign on the highway that said "Keep your eyes on the road" that distracted me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 222

You deserved it 17 117

By mubaki - 24/07/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, my little brother texted me informing me that our father has "become a nudist" since returning home from a month-long trip abroad. I thought he was joking or exaggerating, but when I went over to say hi, the first thing I saw upon walking through the door was my dad's droopy ball sac. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 853

You deserved it 4 514

By tiffylueg - 21/06/2016 13:38

Today, my allergies are killing me. I took a Benadryl to help, but the allergies are still here. I'm now chugging Mountain Dew at 9:30 in the morning to keep from falling asleep at my desk. Thanks for nothing Benadryl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 175

You deserved it 1 487

By boringhusband - 08/05/2016 14:29 - United States - Salisbury

Today, while at dinner with my wife, she asked me what was on my mind as I stared blankly at the window. "Nothing" was interpreted as, "We are boring, and can't stand each other." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 647

You deserved it 1 487

By spooked - 22/11/2013 06:20 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, while babysitting a girl, I told her to be quiet so she wouldn't wake her little brother. In reply, she told me that she would kill me, wake her brother up to show him my dead body, then draw all over my face. I'm stuck with her for another two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 641

You deserved it 3 779

By lyssamarie316 - 01/10/2011 00:23 - United States

Today, I went to an interview for a job at a company I've applied for numerous times this year. When I showed up at the interview room, I found it was a vacant office. I called and confirmed the address. I guess this was my hint to stop applying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 643

You deserved it 4 723

Great gift idea!

By Anonymous - 15/09/2020 08:02 - New Zealand

Today, it was my birthday and my first present was finding out that my girlfriend of five years has been cheating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 556

You deserved it 87

By Anonymous - 02/12/2009 23:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I got my first acting part. I played the role of a bad boy who has to grab the leading lady's ass, who then slaps me in the face. The ass grab was done in one take. The slap required 14 takes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 414

You deserved it 4 995

By Anonymous - 31/10/2010 09:05 - United States

Today, while setting up for a party I was having, I put black lights into our bathroom for the cool bright, neon color you get when you pee. When I turn them on to see where I need to continue cleaning, I see many, small, yellow hand prints on the walls. I have a nine year old brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 347

You deserved it 3 297

Can they do that?

By Anonymous - 26/10/2020 02:02

Today, we got a call saying there was a police report filed against us, after my car got hit while I was at work a few days ago. They lied about everything, and now my insurance is dropping us FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 122

You deserved it 129

By CrappyLuck - 04/08/2011 02:43 - United States

Today, I took my 8 month-old to the Urgent Care due to extreme constipation. I spent $25 for my son to poop on me the second the doctor had me remove his diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 762

You deserved it 4 237

By coolbeans123 - 10/05/2011 16:37 - Singapore

Today, my dad texted me while I was in school saying, "Your cat vomited. Covered it up with a bowl so you can clean it when you come home." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 431

You deserved it 7 684

By Anonymous - 06/04/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, I had a really cute waitress at lunch. I decided to leave my number and a $50 bill for a $15 check. When I left the restaurant I realized I still had the $50 but a $1 bill was missing from my wallet. I've been getting threatening text messages all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 470

You deserved it 63 493

By carboncoach - 13/12/2013 17:24 - Egypt

Today, it's my birthday. The only "happy birthday"s I got were from my mom, her Facebook account, and the Facebook account she made for her cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 737

You deserved it 3 375

By goingnowherefast - 09/02/2013 00:19 - United States - Butler

Today, after three and a half years of working dead-end jobs with a bachelor's degree, I got a call from a potential employer in my degree field, who wanted to set up an interview. The problem: the interview is across the country, and I'm too broke to pay the travel expenses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 677

You deserved it 2 564

By Anonymous - 06/09/2009 21:50 - United States

Today, my mom noticed the hickey that I have on my neck. Embarrassed, I tried convincing her that I burnt myself using a hair straightener. She then told me that that's the same excuse she told my grandma when she got a hickey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 860

You deserved it 46 760

By Anonymous - 26/01/2012 21:05 - United States

Today, I had my first chorus concert. We got a bigger applause when we left the stage than when we sang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 482

You deserved it 6 781

By notanightowlanymore - 05/01/2016 17:44 - United States - Clyde

Today, my grandfather showed up at my house in a panic. He rushed over, with a gun, because I wasn't answering his texts and he thought something had happened to me. I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 242

You deserved it 2 116

By shockedgirl - 16/01/2010 07:17 - United States

Today, I spent the day studying with one of my classmates whom I've just met. While studying, she kept bragging about her boyfriend and decided to show me a picture of him. It was my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 111

You deserved it 2 705

By Dlpnlvr85 - 10/07/2016 18:43 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I woke up to find some really weird stuff in my bed. We just got back from vacation in Florida, and my husband burned really bad. I woke up to his peeled off skin all over my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 503

You deserved it 827

By hello - 11/07/2010 00:57 - Jordan

Today, I was so bored at a family gathering that I pretended to be busy texting the whole time. I don't know what's worse, that I'm not close to anyone in my family, or that I have no one close enough to text to about such things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 283

You deserved it 8 793

By nannynomore - 10/03/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, my boss had to leave the house for a little while. She asked me to take any messages she got. I answered the phone and lady calling said she was returning her call about the opening for a nanny position. I am the current nanny. I found out I am being fired by the new nanny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 206

You deserved it 3 092

Get in there!

By Menareidiots - 24/02/2009 23:32 - United States

Today, my guy friend and I were in his dorm room watching a movie when he started kissing me. Things heated up so we moved things over to his bed. He was on me when a hand shoots down from his top bunk. His roommate had been up there the whole time and he wanted a high-five. So they high-fived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90 615

You deserved it 22 627

By insert pussy pun, hurr durr - 29/06/2016 17:34 - United States - Hopkinsville

Today, my boyfriend got irrationally pissed at me because his cat decided to sit on my lap instead of his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 233

You deserved it 1 135

By ggbhghggg - 18/11/2009 23:04 - United States

Today, I missed my bus. I had to ride my bike 2 miles. Once I left, some jerk nearly hit me. I flipped him off and shouted obsceneties. It was my dad, offering me a ride. He left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 653

You deserved it 42 488

By teeth - 10/08/2011 17:00 - United States

Today, my aunt had to smuggle me some regular toothpaste. Why? My mom isn't letting anyone in our house use anything but "Coral Paste." There are actually lumps of coral in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 358

You deserved it 2 818

By wdavi022 - 05/01/2011 09:01

Today, I found out my identity was stolen. The person got credit cards in my name and didn't pay the bills, which has ruined my near perfect credit. The worst part about all of this is that I can't turn the person in. It's my mom, and sending her to jail wouldn't really work out for anyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 373

You deserved it 5 417

By fatass - 19/02/2009 07:36 - United States

Today, I had a great workout and was feeling really good about my body. Until I sat on my desk, and broke it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 894

You deserved it 7 498

By Ohai - 16/01/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, my mom asked me for advice on how to give a good blow job. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 472

You deserved it 3 055

By pianoplayer - 22/05/2013 01:57 - Canada - Mackenzie

Today, my neighbors called the police and said that they saw, through the window, a suspicious person in my house doing something to my piano. The "suspicious person" was me, in my own house, playing my own piano. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 478

You deserved it 2 826

By Biologyfacepalm - 03/03/2014 19:58 - United States

Today, my students presented their projects on genetics to the rest of the class. One student told the class that salted and unsalted peanuts were an example of genetic variation. She was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 633

You deserved it 4 901

By ugly me - 24/10/2010 00:50 - United States

Today, I was sitting on a plane waiting for everyone to get on. A cute guy around my age had the option of sitting next to me or an old guy. He gave me a horrified look and immediately sat next to the old man. I got to sit next to his mother. She evil eyed me the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 339

You deserved it 3 604

Always call first

By Cat - 02/12/2020 08:06

Today, I went to visit my aunt who lives 6 hours away from me. Her car was missing from her driveway, but she's unemployed and barely leaves the house. Turns out, she moved in with her new boyfriend and didn't tell anyone, so I had to drive 6 hours back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 683

You deserved it 446

By unwanted - 11/08/2009 20:31 - Canada

Today, I told my mom about how my friend is going to China for a year instead of college. My mom suggested that I could do the same. When I told her that a trip to China is probably more expensive than my college tuition, my mom replied, "Not for a one way ticket". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 039

You deserved it 6 542

Old Thug Life

By The Bad Guy - 09/03/2020 02:00 - Ireland

Today, an old lady came up to me and asked me to break a fifty for her. I gave her two twenties and a ten. I later used the fifty. It was counterfeit. I was conned by a pensioner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 490

You deserved it 365

By kel - 08/11/2013 23:50 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I was watching some episodes of The Walking Dead with my boyfriend, after recently introducing him to the series. A scene involving Carl came on, and my boyfriend said, "God damn. You ever give me a kid that annoying, I'll shoot both of ya right in the head." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 896

You deserved it 7 453

By Phil - 28/05/2012 21:17 - Canada

Today, I came to the realisation that the longest relationship I've had by far is the one I have with my hemorrhoids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 510

You deserved it 3 224

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Top comments

OhDearBetrayal 25

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 19:00

Make sure you read the fine print.

ApologyKick 25

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 19:01

That's kinda cute don't you think? Hopefully he wasn't being serdead serious though.

OhDearBetrayal 25

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 19:00

Make sure you read the fine print.

AlexBblah 10

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 19:14

Always hidden stuff in there i agree

jerryk 2

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 19:24

I only know this because of my sister but maybe he's trying to mimic fifty shades of gray?

alshygirl 14

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 19:24

It's like 50 shades of grey!

Akumie 6

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 19:25

Run away!!

Drigr 9

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 19:43

Next thing you know, he will be asking to see the lease for your vagina.

AnagenisisZagus 13

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 19:58

1- Damn it all! You beat me to the fine print comment....by an hour or so. I need a hug. :( 31- Yeah suuuuure. Your sister. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Incogneterpeter 1

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 20:31

^shut up....

theannak 7

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 20:46

^you shut up. She made me laugh.

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 20:47

Section 5 of the fine print: "If I bring home another female, you are obligated to offer a threesome."

heythere131630 9

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 21:00

Well this just got awkward.

Feklfekl2222 32

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 21:21

Are you dating Sheldon cooper?

Needafarm 22

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 22:13

I don't understand why this was voted down. You all know you were thinking this. Anyone who's seen a movie from the 80's, 90's and early 2000 knows that anytime someone says that it was their friend, sister or some other person other than them, it was them. Now, let the negative votes start rolling in!! WOOOO!!!!

outoftown 26

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 22:46

Trouble! Check to see it this guy is a registered sex offender, first. Then check for rumors of such. Sounds like he has a history and wants to legal up.

Feklfekl2222 32

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Thursday 26 July 2012 0:10

157- autocorrect strikes again :(

evilamoebaattack 20

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Friday 20 December 2013 4:49

such a huge The Big Bang Theory reference!

davexs 10

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 19:01

Was his name Sheldon?

ApologyKick 25

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 19:01

That's kinda cute don't you think? Hopefully he wasn't being serdead serious though.

IAmJad 18

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 19:35

I don't know how that's cute. I guess it all depends on what he wrote in the contract.

Mr_Krabs 5

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 19:51

45 - I _____ am aware that by signing this contract, I agree to give _____ a blowjob every third Thursday and will swallow.

nabee26 15

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 20:07

3- Kinda cute? What planet are you from? Geez

stinewd 9

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 20:26

It shows he has some kind of nerdy humor, which I find very cute. Unless, as mentioned, he was very serious about this contract, then I wouldn't sign it.

ygdrassil 17

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 20:51

"After said blowjob, I agree to make one sandwich, to be defined as ingredients chosen by the Grantor of this Contract held between two sliced portions of bread, at the request of the Grantor."

ArielTheMermaid 17

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 21:59

OP are you dating Sheldon Cooper? :)

ThatOneCanadian 0

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Thursday 26 July 2012 0:02

hopefully he's in law school or she is, and its a funny joke

22cute 17

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Thursday 26 July 2012 0:14

Nothing like a contract for directness and honesty. Could be a good start! :D

AphyTheBronette 15

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Thursday 26 July 2012 2:47

# 77 they obviously came from the planet Uranus! Get it? Get it? Meh never mind.

gypsymoon 6

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 19:02

Is he a lawyer?

bargarlm 2

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 19:02

how punctual..

Popcornography 10

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 20:09

Don't you mean formal?

gypsymoon 6

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 19:02

Is he a lawyer?

gypsymoon 6

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 19:02

Is he a lawyer?

Pelvispresley 8

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 19:13

4 times was a bit too much...

Pelvispresley 8

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 19:42

Nvm the others got deleted

Pelvispresley 8

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 20:47

On a side note- whatever happened to noor?

Hidur 10

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 21:31

Bears.

mduffy08 8

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Thursday 26 July 2012 1:20

I ate her.

gypsymoon 6

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 19:02

Is he a lawyer?

omgitsshorti 5

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 19:02

That's a bit creepy. I hope u didn't sign op...

leadawg75 12

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Wednesday 25 July 2012 19:04

He wants to make sure you Can't break up with him...to me he sounds a little obsessed. Read it first, don't sign. Who knows what you agree too with your signature...