Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really like. He brought...

By Anonymous - 3/1/2012 05:32 - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really like. He brought up that there was a person staring at us from a nearby table. That person was my mom. FML

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Love

Boozehound

Who's a good boy?

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 07:51 - Australia

Today, I had my first job interview in months. The interviewer started by introducing herself and asking how I was. I got caught between introducing myself and telling her how I was and replied "I'm Kate thanks". FML

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By hatelife - 30/12/2010 19:07 - United States

Today, the instructions on my new IKEA bed made me cry. It includes a picture of a person working alone with a frown crossed out and is replaced by two smiling people working together. I have no one in my life to help me. FML

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By ScaryOldMan - 7/10/2009 07:57 - United States

Today, while trying to sleep, I kept hearing this groan/scream for help for about an hour. I decided to call 911 to send someone to investigate. Police came, I received a $100 parking fine and another citation for improper use of 911. The noise? Just a dog howling. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2015 16:13 - United States - Inez

Today, my husband and I broke the news to my 10-year-old son that in about 8 months, he'll have a baby brother or sister. I knew he never wanted a sibling, but I didn't expect him to throw a tantrum, then look at me through teary eyes and scream, "Why can't you keep your fucking legs closed?" FML

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By Unloving - 31/12/2010 21:47 - United States

Today, a man proposed to me in classic style on one knee. Unfortunately, I have been telling this man for the last two months that I don't even want to date him. He thinks I'm playing hard to get and is not giving up. FML

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By snipsnip - 16/7/2016 01:14

Today, after finally growing my curly hair down to shoulder length, I decided to get it styled for a dinner date. The stylist rolled up the barrel brush on my head and it got stuck. Hello, pixie cut. FML

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By oooops - 24/1/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, was my first day at a new job. I was really pleased with how much positive attention I was getting in a mainly male office. Guess whose shirt was see-through. FML

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By caterinette - 27/11/2014 02:04 - Portugal

Today, it was my turn to open the bar I work at. As I walked into our terrace, I found our insane upstairs neighbour leaving the scene without a word. This was right before I spotted the steaming pile of dung she'd left behind. FML

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By CA19oo - 20/3/2012 01:03 - United States - Buford

Today, I found out what it feels like to get hit in the head with a bat. Not the wooden kind though. The one that bites and claws you when it gets stuck in your hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2013 23:29 - United States - Ypsilanti

Today, I did the "walk of shame" sixteen blocks. It wouldn't have been so bad if the sidewalks and streets weren't completely covered in ice. Somewhere along the way I lost what little dignity I had left, along with my left shoe. FML

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By -_- - 7/10/2015 11:29 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at a soccer game held by my girlfriend's family, some idiot went to kick the ball, missed by a mile, and hit the ground hard. So I started a slow, sarcastic clap. I got a load of angry looks, followed by verbal abuse when we found out he'd split his head open on the ground. FML

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By Kiki - 12/7/2018 12:30 - United States - Littleton

Today, I found out that my roommate of 4 years is sleeping with my ex of 7 years. Yesterday, she showed up to court as a witness for him and lied on the stand to try to get the protection order dropped. She's on the lease, so I have to live with this snake for 2 more months. FML

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By Broc'n dreams - 6/2/2017 16:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Face Your Fears

Today, I woke up screaming "FUCK OFF!" because I had a dream that someone threw broccoli through my window. FML

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By Eagle - 26/1/2010 06:05 - United States

Today, my mother urged me to "get over this lesbian thing and give me some grandkids." In front of my girlfriend of eleven months. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2013 17:22 - United States - Seattle

Today, at a family reunion, my visibly drunk grandparents heard about my new boyfriend, who is a cop. My gran asked if he ever made me feel like Rodney King in the bedroom. Then my grandpa, fresh off a DUI, asked if my boyfriend's dick is as bent as the police force. FML

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By sorenips - 3/10/2011 23:19 - Canada

Today, after a great treadmill run at my gym, I noticed a stain on my clothing. Apparently my nipple chafed so badly that it bled through my white t-shirt, and I'd walked around the gym completely oblivious. FML

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By mean mommy - 16/7/2019 12:30

Today, I was hosting a slumber party for my daughter, but I ended it abruptly and demanded that every child be picked up. Several pissed off parents and a sobbing daughter later, I’m the most hated. I made them leave after 2 of the girls bragged about losing their virginity. They’re 12. FML

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By koolkidx3 - 24/2/2010 21:28 - United States

Today, I had my final economics exam, and needed to ace it, or else I would fail the entire module. After studying all day yesterday, and pulling an all-nighter today, I managed to pull it off and get a perfect score. Unfortunately, my teacher didn't believe that it was possible, and accused me of cheating. Now I may be thrown out of college. FML

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By Krissy - 25/1/2010 08:36 - United States

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend on the back bumper of my car. After he finished he told me he felt like he was riding a seahorse. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2009 18:18 - United States

Today, I found out that the reason I hadn't gotten pregnant yet was because my husband had a vasectomy after the birth of his son. He even had the nerve to continously tell me, "it'll happen soon, baby" and let me believe we were trying. FML

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By Dean - 15/12/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, after months of constant encouragement from my friends, I went and entered a singing contest. I sang and was booed off stage. Later on I found out my friends lied to me about my ability to sing, just so I could give them a cheap laugh. FML

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By Herbiee - 18/8/2010 12:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I shaved off the beard I had been forced to grow over the past 3 weeks due to forgetting my razor when away. 15 Minutes in, with half my beard gone, I realised I had got a tan everywhere but my beard. I now have a large white patch on my face. FML

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By Clumsy & Forgetful - 27/11/2011 06:02 - Canada

Today, I found out why I'm always let off easy when I do something wrong at work. They think I have a mental handicap. I don't. I'm just clumsy and forgetful. FML

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By mute - 16/4/2016 00:56 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boyfriend finally moved out from his parents' house to his friend's flat. Excited that I wouldn't have to be so silent when we had sex anymore, I went over to spend the night. His bedroom is right next to his friend's 4-year-old daughter's room. FML

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By burritobreasts - 15/10/2014 06:27

Today, I woke up to my roommate trying to put a burrito and a pack of mild sauce in between my boobs. He's only lived here for two weeks, and this is the second time I've woken up to him doing something like this. FML

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By RaccoonFever - 10/1/2014 11:15 - United States - La Jolla

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment, due to the fact that five raccoons have decided to sit outside my only door and prevent me from getting out. Every time I look at one, they hiss at me. FML

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By jennybrev - 13/7/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I awoke to find a water pipe burst. I frantically ran down to the basement to turn off the water to the house. What I didn't expect when I reached the bottom of the stairs was to have to start dodging the falling, wet ceiling tiles. FML

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By fock - 7/5/2012 02:03 - Canada - Almonte

Today, I had to convince my 28-year-old boyfriend to take down his booger wall. FML

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By junior07 - 31/5/2017 22:00

Today, I gave my niece a $100 bill instead of a $10 so she could buy ice cream. When I realized my mistake, she never returned it but thanked me and gave me a big hug. Now I don't have money for gas or food all week. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2014 19:04 - Netherlands

Today, on my first day as a lifeguard, a man had a heart attack in the pool. I jumped in, pulled him out, and even went to the hospital with him. He seemed genuinely offended, saying "You should've let me die." FML

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By UsuallyaUnicornbread - 26/11/2014 21:01 - United States - Morrisville

Today, I went to get myself a latte to make myself feel better after having a bad day. As soon as I sat down to enjoy it, I spilled it all over myself, another customer, and the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2011 07:56 - United States

Today, on the way to work, I was punched in the balls by a complete stranger. FML

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By t2t2sync - 3/8/2011 01:47 - United States

Today, while leaving work, I noticed a woman struggling with her wheelchair. Trying to be kind, I grabbed the handles and began to push her. A few moments later, the front wheels caught on something and I ended up dumping her onto the ground. Now my coworkers all think I'm a huge douche. FML

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By Pissed - 21/9/2012 23:20 - United States - Newton Center

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. My dad noticed my depression and got me to tell him what was wrong. I told him everything, and trusting him to have an intelligent suggestion, I asked him what I should do. He shrugged and said, "Fuck, sue him, I dunno." FML

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By justno - 29/6/2014 00:26 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my sister ran into my room unannounced while I was on webcam with a potential employer. Before I could react, she looked at my screen, said "Damn, he's fucking hot." and flashed him. FML

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By Chels - 4/12/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, I had an elderly man come to my cash register. His total came to $15.50 He handed me $5 in nickels and dimes. A full roll of quarters. Before I could take the roll, he bust it open, making me count it. After that was all counted he was 50 cents short. So he handed me a $10 bill. FML

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By username - 31/7/2011 22:19 - United States

Today, I was feeling a little naughty, so I put on a sexy outfit, laid down on the hood of my boyfriend's car, and waited for him to find me. When he came into the garage and saw me, he freaked out and bitched at me, because I "could have dented the chassis". FML

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By gb739 - 19/1/2014 17:31 - United States

Today, I called my boss and said, "I have been awake since 3 a.m. throwing up." He replied, "Great, see you at 9." and hung up. FML

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By Perplexed - 19/1/2013 13:14 - United States - Sioux Falls

Today, someone broke into my car by smashing the driver's side window. I'd be less irritated if they had just used the door handle; the lock has been broken for years. FML

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By Helmet - 20/10/2011 04:05 - United States

Today, I needed to buy a new crash-helmet. I went to the motorbike shop and saw one I liked the look of. It was a bit of a tight fit, and I got my head stuck in it. I had to get the guy behind the counter to help me pull it off. My ears are still numb. FML

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Top comments

By gazzdogs | 5

#3824099 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 11:42

My mum is a helicopter parent too. Always lurking about in the distance, I know how you feel :(

By Riya2595 | 15

#3824092 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 11:41

Haha creepy!

Comments

By Riya2595 | 15

#3824092 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 11:41

Haha creepy!

N3766 | 20

#3824176 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 11:55

Might be a coincidence she was there...

cheesypies | 6

#3824216 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 12:03

Or she was spyin'!

gazzdogs | 5

#3824334 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 12:35

12 - On her own? I don't think so...

_Oblivion_ | 12

#3824410 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 13:19

I would walk over there politely yell at her the GTFO

nahgemoohc | 17

#3824428 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 13:26

Should have said 'yeah. She's paying for our meal' and then send the bill to her table.

friedchickenpie | 14

#3824478 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 13:44

28 - If you were a federal agent, I don't think you'd be allowed to tell people that.

GoW_Chick | 14

#3824553 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 14:16

30- How do you politely yell at someone?

LadyClarik | 8

#3824580 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 14:32

This is creepy, but in the realm of understandable if OP is young(ish). How creeptastic would this be if she was in her 30's.....

RedPillSucks | 31

#3824886 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 16:51

@34: Maybe he works for the post office. Agent doesn't have to mean spy or police.

GoodLookingGeese | 10

#3825112 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 18:25

40- with a big smile on your face.. Try this someday..

_Oblivion_ | 12

#3825601 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 20:08

40- GTFO please

GovernorGeneral | 8

#3827731 - Wednesday 4 January 2012 5:43

lol.

By gazzdogs | 5

#3824099 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 11:42

My mum is a helicopter parent too. Always lurking about in the distance, I know how you feel :(

SecretMe00 | 5

#3824265 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 12:14

Family guy episode resemblance..

WCARlover | 34

#3824845 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 16:29

It just means she loves y--yeah just kidding that sucks

brianfantana32 | 10

#3827965 - Wednesday 4 January 2012 7:11

Why did I sing the Pink Panther theme song in my head after reading this, seriously, why? Cause it's completely irrelevant

gazzdogs | 5

#3828113 - Wednesday 4 January 2012 8:07

What is completely irrelevant? My comment or YOURS?

By ILoveEggnog | 7

#3824107 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 11:43

Did you know your mom was going to be there, or was it a coincidence?

Chaos187 | 6

#3824442 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 13:31

More like, her mom got in the her car and followed her and her date right after they left.

RochelleRedvines | 8

#3826794 - Wednesday 4 January 2012 1:05

Dammit. I'm on my iPod and I thumbed up this comment accidentally.

By Michaelpd | 1

#3824108 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 11:43

At least he's now met the family?

By Garzoo | 4

#3824117 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 11:44

...Awkward...

By TheDorianMode | 8

#3824126 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 11:45

Stare back.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#3824471 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 13:39

That's what the pigeon would do.

Or scramble away to poop on her car while she's busy staring at your date.

By FruityLoooons | 8

#3824129 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 11:46

Did she slowly sink down and disappear under the table whilst staring at you?

By jbaby69 | 0

#3824139 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 11:47

Well that's not strange at all...

By blackout23 | 4

#3824142 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 11:48

If I were him I would have stared right back

By Tektite | 14

#3824157 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 11:50

Lmao ohh snap...