Love: Today, I was woken up from a nap by my cat attacking my face....

By Zamaria - France

Today, I was woken up from a nap by my cat attacking my face. Evidently, my husband thought it would be funny to shine a laser pointer on my cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36636

You deserved it

3342

Favorite

Love

And today, on Dr Phil…

Vulture

Hope there's no dancing involved

By Dead Inside - United States - Elkhart

Today, the family dog was in the garbage and wouldn't stop eating. He is a large dog, and I had to put my arms around him and pull him out of the trash can. Well, he bit me so hard I was bleeding. My whole family is siding with the dog and saying it was my fault for not letting him eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2822

You deserved it

337

Favorite

By Nikki

Today, I walked into my bathroom to my boyfriend bragging about how much better his butt looked than mine, all while wearing my jeans. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1671

You deserved it

231

Favorite

By I hear everything...

Today, I can now identify which of my four roommates is using the washroom, based on their grunts. I just love having a bedroom beside the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4002

You deserved it

281

Favorite

By LALALALA - United States

Today, I saw that Pixar had put out a teaser trailer for Toy Story 3. I got so excited to watch it that had to go lay in bed for a few minutes in order to calm myself down. I'm 19 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24114

You deserved it

48762

Favorite

By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I was worried about passing an exam, so I hid a note under my skirt. When the guy next to me was finished, I had to get up so he could leave. With no time to hide the note, I stood in front of the entire class, hand over my crotch, looking as if I had to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8643

You deserved it

71506

Favorite

By Allergic - United States

Today, I found out that my wife purposely eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to get out of kissing me. I'm deathly allergic to peanuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40283

You deserved it

3437

Favorite

By reallythough - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I forgot to log out of my Facebook account before leaving for work. When I got back home, I discovered that my brother had gone through and commented "quack" on all my friend's duckfacing photos. She was not pleased. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30662

You deserved it

48063

Favorite

By foutu - France

Today, while my wife was watching me get undressed she said "Bloody hell, you really are getting a beer belly. And it makes your already tiny willy look even tinier." All her accusations are true. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26610

You deserved it

7679

Favorite

By mandiballz - United States

Nice

Today, I was saying goodbye to my 5 year-old son before dropping him at my mom's, as I was leaving for two days, and told him I would miss him. He said, "l won't miss you, I never miss you when you are gone." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36698

You deserved it

4433

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, my religious girlfriend convinced me to let her take my virginity. A few hours later, she broke up with me, crying and saying I was going to hell for having sex before marriage. But apparently she isn't, and she can't be with someone who "tempts" her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39099

You deserved it

3675

Favorite

By anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me we've just been fuck buddies for the entire year we've been "together." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't working up the courage to propose to her on our anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45459

You deserved it

5012

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, at a family reunion, my visibly drunk grandparents heard about my new boyfriend, who is a cop. My gran asked if he ever made me feel like Rodney King in the bedroom. Then my grandpa, fresh off a DUI, asked if my boyfriend's dick is as bent as the police force. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45143

You deserved it

4169

Favorite

New deal

Today, my girlfriend's dad offered me $100 to break up with his daughter. I eagerly replied "No", but my girlfriend grabbed the money and said, "Deal." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2594

You deserved it

262

Favorite

By Meh - United States - Bothell

Today, I found out that my roommate has a good voice, because he loudly sings Korean love songs at one in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1702

You deserved it

151

Favorite

By sillyrabbit - United States

Today, after I had filled up my car and got into it I saw a cute guy running towards me. I flashed a smile and left the door open and said "hey" when he was next to me. He said, "the pump is still attached to your car, you really should be more careful." FML

I agree, your life sucks

8352

You deserved it

46319

Favorite

By Anon - United States - Southbury

Today, I was laughing at a girl who really sucks at badminton. Turns out she has anger issues, and a really good aim when she's mad. I've never been hit so hard in the crotch before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11491

You deserved it

64116

Favorite

By anonymous - United States

Today, I went with my girlfriend to her parents' house. They told me I smelled of cheap vodka. When I told them I worked in a bio lab and used ethanol a lot, they said I was too stupid to do anything like that. My girlfriend broke up with me because her parents think I'm a drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65753

You deserved it

3399

Favorite

By Daddy_issues

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of four years. She took the opportunity to tell me that she's pregnant. With my half-brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5239

You deserved it

259

Favorite

By seeking new employment - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out why my coworkers never invite me anywhere. Apparently, I "made a face" when one of them used the N-word, and it makes them uncomfortable to be around me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20718

You deserved it

2092

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I paid $60 for a haircut from a professional stylist, only to walk out looking like Spock from Star Trek. The worst part was the stylist asked me, "Hey, are you going to see that new Star Trek movie?" and tried to talk me into watching it. Now, wherever I go, people are giving me the 'live long and prosper' sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58608

You deserved it

9430

Favorite

By Bitchjackedmyball - United States - Kihei

Today, I had just bought a new $60 basketball and decided to go try it out. Five minutes into playing, the ball decided to roll into the hands of a little girl, who then said, "Mine". I thought it was cute, until she skipped over to her parent's car and they drove off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34430

You deserved it

5527

Favorite

By guessthatsatrickthen - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I opened the door to what I thought would be a group of trick or treaters. It was actually a naked man. He wanted to come in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27069

You deserved it

1949

Favorite

By insearch4i - United States

Today, I got bored and decided to try World Of Warcraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16819

You deserved it

31075

Favorite

By mean mommy

Today, I was hosting a slumber party for my daughter, but I ended it abruptly and demanded that every child be picked up. Several pissed off parents and a sobbing daughter later, I’m the most hated. I made them leave after 2 of the girls bragged about losing their virginity. They’re 12. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1590

You deserved it

2075

Favorite

By CyberHex305

Today, I went to Men's Warehouse to pick up my tux. They mistakenly set the pick-up date for the 30th of next month. My prom is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5011

You deserved it

470

Favorite

By O_O - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend insisted that I start calling him "Professor Fucktard" in the bedroom. He seems to be dead serious about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46563

You deserved it

5805

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Tracy

Today, it took a whole half hour of scratching my head before I realized with horror that the weird tickling sensation I'd been feeling was actually a spider crawling around in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35903

You deserved it

3191

Favorite

By MailMaster - Australia

Today, my new mailbox key finally arrived. Not at the front door as I requested, but in the mailbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39238

You deserved it

2867

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I needed new business cards so I went to design and print some. After I designed, I was happy with them and printed off 100 copies. I live at a place called Canal Rocks. I forgot the 'C'. I now have 76 business cards which say 'anal rocks.' I already distributed 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18396

You deserved it

47919

Favorite

By Lio - France

Awkward

Today, thinking I was being very generous, I lent my jacket to a new co-worker. I guess I should have checked my pockets before I did, I’m not sure that leaving 3 different flavors of condoms in them made a good impression. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21044

You deserved it

41737

Favorite

By that1summergirl - Canada

Riverdale is a lie

Today, I called my boyfriend at 2 a.m., telling him I couldn't sleep. He replied, "Well, I can," and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

815

You deserved it

2783

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 05:01

Not prepared enough

Today, I had a maths test and I realised that I'd studied the wrong topics. The teacher said the test would be difficult and I stayed up till 1 a.m. just to be prepared. FML

I agree, your life sucks

659

You deserved it

472

Favorite

By fmlfmlfml - United States

Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunder storm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

96755

You deserved it

251402

Favorite

By Dude wtf - 19/4/2021 02:02

Indecent proposal

Today, a guy propositioned me for a threesome with his girlfriend. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he's knows I'm gay and have a boyfriend, or the fact that his girlfriend is my sister. He seemed confused as to why I turned him down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1076

You deserved it

Favorite

By DamnMyOvaries - United States - Groves

Today, I fainted in the lunch line at school due to extreme period cramps, and ended up having to get seven stitches on my face. This is the third time I've fainted because of my period this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6430

You deserved it

506

Favorite

By Username - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my boss recognized my shoes under the stall wall and had a conversation with me while we were both taking a dump. I had severe diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31306

You deserved it

2336

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/9/2020 05:01 - United States - Lake Butler

Spy vs. Spy

Today, I panicked when I realized two of my diaries were missing. I turned the house upside down, and found them in the guest room, tucked away in a dresser drawer. My only visitor in the last six months was my mom. I’m 37 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

982

You deserved it

134

Favorite

By Miss Blairgowrie - Australia - Fairfield

Today, I got my retainer fitted. It stimulates my gag reflex so badly that I gag every time I try so say anything with a 'P' in it. My orthodontist laughed and suggested I get a thesaurus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33208

You deserved it

2730

Favorite

By charmed

Today, after being single for over five years, I was chatted up at the airport. Sadly, Prince Charming was a homeless guy who had very strong body odour, soiled trousers, a can of cheap beer and bugs in his dreads. He kissed my hand. I feel violated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14185

You deserved it

1898

Favorite

By Curly - United States - Ashburn

Today, my wife has the flu, while I have strep throat. We have a two-year-old toddler and have no clue as to who's more contagious and who should take care of her as to not get her sick. Yay for the entire day of surgical masks and Sesame Street. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31297

You deserved it

2712

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#600989 - Saturday 3 October 2009 10:11

Well, I think it would be funny to shine the laser pointer at his balls the next time he sleeps naked.

By whyevenbother | 0

#600966 - Saturday 3 October 2009 9:54

he was right.

COMMENTS

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#600959 - Saturday 3 October 2009 9:52

rawrr >:3

Gia0896 | 0

#604071 - Monday 5 October 2009 3:11

AWESOME! Thats a cool idea. Im gonna try that on my brother. :)

BrutalFbomb | 5

#1580397 - Thursday 21 October 2010 8:53

I'm gonna buy one just to do that lmao!!!

Angi95 | 3

#2760194 - Sunday 26 June 2011 3:04

at least you married a guy with a sense of humor.

By whyevenbother | 0

#600966 - Saturday 3 October 2009 9:54

he was right.

null_fml | 11

#601006 - Saturday 3 October 2009 10:27

Yep, that's what I was gonna say too. He was right.

BenignScientists | 0

#601154 - Saturday 3 October 2009 14:46

I concur

Reyo | 2

#602236 - Sunday 4 October 2009 4:38

I chuckled.

ifinsane | 6

#3505491 - Friday 28 October 2011 23:38

That's what you get for having a cat.

By michael_Hardman | 0

#600971 - Saturday 3 October 2009 9:57

priceless...thats something i would do

By bedspring_kiss54 | 0

#600983 - Saturday 3 October 2009 10:05

Ouch!

By TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#600989 - Saturday 3 October 2009 10:11

Well, I think it would be funny to shine the laser pointer at his balls the next time he sleeps naked.

megusta3 | 5

#4993428 - Monday 1 October 2012 23:51

connorhperkins | 9

#6627082 - Monday 13 June 2016 6:48

That's just cruel and unusual

By Antivirus_fml | 0

#600998 - Saturday 3 October 2009 10:21

But then she wont be able to have kids. :p

By King_of_Kings | 3

#601014 - Saturday 3 October 2009 10:34

AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Funny shit right here people!

By Witchcraft_fml | 4

#601017 - Saturday 3 October 2009 10:39

At least you were awakened from sleep by raw, physical, rough animal play.
Yum. :]

Was he spanked for being a bad boy?

EmilyCecile | 0

#2197302 - Friday 18 March 2011 2:07

oh ha i see what u did there. nice :)

By jdog69 | 0

#601025 - Saturday 3 October 2009 10:52

that IS funny

By napero | 0

#601047 - Saturday 3 October 2009 11:36

And he took a video of it and posted on youtube? I want to see that >: D