Today, I was woken up from a nap by my cat attacking my face....

By Zamaria - 2/10/2009 22:23 - France

Today, I was woken up from a nap by my cat attacking my face. Evidently, my husband thought it would be funny to shine a laser pointer on my cheek. FML

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Love

DINOSAURS!!

Don't give up

Rich people problems

By OMGWTF - 13/8/2009 02:01 - United States

Today, while biking home from work, a 12 mile trip, I was speeding down a long hill and my jean pant leg got caught in the chain. It ripped, and then the rest of my pant leg ripped off. I had to bike 10 more miles half naked along the highway. FML

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By shatMyself - 22/4/2013 19:10 - United States

Today, I was admitted to the hospital for chronic constipation. I have to share a room with two other girls who are also having bowel problems. We're all on strong laxatives, and there's apparently only one bathroom in this place. FML

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By CRH - 3/5/2011 15:41 - United States

Today, at 11 weeks pregnant, I excitedly told my best friend that my baby now has fingernails. Her response was, "You're beginning to sound like a pro-life bumper sticker." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2010 11:24 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum thought it would be acceptable to tell my school that the reason I will not be attending classes is because I have "the shits." FML

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By melyeah - 2/3/2013 14:14 - Australia - Sydney

Today, to avoid a massive delay on our scheduled flight at the airport, we were generously moved to an earlier flight home. An hour later, our new flight had been cancelled and they told us we'd be stuck at the airport overnight. Our original flight took off fine. FML

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By In Pain - 11/1/2012 08:03 - United States

Today, I had gum surgery. I can't laugh. I can't smile. I can't talk. I can't eat. All I can do is wait for the pain medication to kick in. FML

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By Don’t Think About It. - 26/8/2019 16:00

Today, I smacked a big mosquito that had landed on my leg. My boyfriend then said to me, "I wonder if their mouth snaps off when you slap them, and now it’s stuck in your skin." Thanks. Thanks a lot. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2018 03:30

Today, I failed a final presentation. My partner, who did none of the research, presented the entire project, talking over me and glaring when I spoke up. He denied everything and the professor didn't believe me. Now I have to retake this class with the same professor. FML

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By a genius - 12/2/2009 13:28 - United States

Today, I lit a cigarette in the opposite direction of the wind. My hair blew into it, and caught on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2017 22:00

Today, a large number of people at my office don't realize that if the door to a stall is locked, it's occupied. While I can somewhat deal with people needlessly asking if it's occupied, what I can't deal with is someone looking over the stall to check. FML

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By elvisfreak5446 - 10/8/2011 16:12 - United States

Today, I was arguing with a friend over whether or not I'm fat. She kept telling me that I was. Angry, I sat down on the chair beside her. It broke. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, I had dinner with my family at a fancy restaurant. They kept commenting about how cold it was and asked the waitress to turn off the air conditioning. When I got home, I realized the embroidered daisies on my undershirt made it look like I have giant protruding nipples. FML

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By anonymous - 5/5/2009 14:17 - United States

Today, a hot girl got into the elevator just as I took a bite out of my Three Musketeers bar. I instinctively smiled at her and chocolate drool poured out of my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2017 08:00 - United States - Franklin

Today, I finally got the balls to ask the girl of my dreams out, but all I could talk about was my two cats. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2009 05:35 - United States

Today, I was in the grocery store buying a few things. A sales associate came over the intercom system saying, "Attention Safeway customers. If you drive a blue Subaru, it's rolling into 18th Ave." Everyone laughed except me. I forgot to set the brake. FML

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By myrie - 3/2/2009 00:54 - United States

Today, I asked a guy out on a coffee date, and we started talking about our mutual careers. At the end of the date he asked me if I had any more questions about job opportunities or any more advice, then shook my hand and gave me his contact card. FML

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By love-shot - 17/8/2013 08:24 - United States - Hays

Today, I discovered that when my crush leans in to kiss me, I get so nervous I throw up. Then throw up again thinking about how embarrassed I am. FML

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By wherefelix - 3/7/2009 08:01 - United States

Today, I woke up early, showered, dressed, and made the 40 minute drive to work, only to discover when I arrived that today was my day off. When I got home my live in boyfriend was gone. I called and he told me he was at the beach, right near my work. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2014 17:21 - United Kingdom - Middlesbrough

Today, someone commented on my mother's memorial page on my blog. It said "u need too get over it bitch" and "ur mum was a wh0re". I looked up the IP address and found the comment was posted from my own wifi. The only other person who lives in my house is my girlfriend. FML

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By CanadianEH - 8/11/2016 23:39

Today, my dog ate my underwear. This is the twenty-seventh pair that he has eaten. FML

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By herve - 22/5/2009 19:50 - Lebanon

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years and I decided to have sex for the first time. When we were in the room, finally ready to start, she confessed that she had never seen a penis before. To make her more comfortable, I showed her mine. At the sight of it, well, she actually fainted. FML

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By hikari_chan_xo - 28/3/2012 12:00 - United States - Auburn Hills

Today, I dislocated my elbow chasing my cat around the hardwood floors of my house in knee-high socks and wiping out going around a corner. The doctors suggested that I not tell people how it happened. FML

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By SY5623 - 12/8/2015 00:00 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I got all excited because I thought my crush was flirting with me, when in actuality she was taking advantage of me liking her so she and her friends could make fun of my speech impediment. FML

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By hatty - 23/9/2011 13:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I had my car valeted at my hotel. The manager came out, took my keys, and said the car would be waiting for me in an hour. I was then forced to watch from the lobby as the "manager" sped off downtown. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 06:04 - United States

Today, I think my friends were trying to tell me something with all my Christmas gifts being mostly perfume, deodorant, and soap. FML

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By ninaaaa - 24/2/2014 00:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my sister finished a project about something she hates. Me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2012 14:11 - United States

Today, I went on a long flight. I was fortunate enough to sit next to a great girl. However, she must have thought I was not so great, because she moved to the empty seat across the aisle. Next to my dad. Who then told stories about how I always get motion sickness on airplanes. I then threw up. FML

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By duncanisgey - 4/3/2011 22:57 - Canada

Today, I rushed my dog to the vet because he was foaming at the mouth. I returned home with a bill for $200 and a dog who apparently has a thing for marshmallows. FML

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By Richard - 25/6/2012 03:03 - United States - Uxbridge

Today, I was talking with my wife of five years, and I gave her a few hints about wanting kids. After our talk, she looked at me completely serious and said "Yeah, yeah, kids are great and all, but can't we just get you a dog?" FML

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By Spadiethestar - 31/7/2009 08:36 - France

Today, I discovered that my cheating, stealing ex boyfriend is posting pictures of naked women having group sex, with my face photoshopped onto them. He sent those to my boss, my friends, my family, only because I refused to bail his drunken self out of jail a couple weeks ago. FML

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By noname - 27/4/2012 12:04 - United States - Alexandria

Today, I found out that my fellow marching band mates all refer to me as the "short girl with big tits" because none of them can remember my name. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2009 04:20 - Canada

Today, I was in the gas station and I saw this creepy lady staring at me and smiling. She just didn't stop. I even gave an awkward wave to let her know that I saw her staring at me. Finally I decided to confront the woman, turns out the overly happy woman was a cardboard cut out FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2016 06:16 - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I shaved my vagina for the first time ever. Had sex with my husband and then asked if he liked that. He said, "You've done that before, though". I haven't. We've been married 15 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2019 02:03 - United Kingdom - London

Just a prank, bro!

Today, I've been told that the test I have tomorrow, which I've been studying for, is not on 'Parent and Child Relationships' but on 'Scotland's Fishing Communities'. My brother thought it would be funny to hide the real booklet, and make up his own one for me. FML

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By Indigo_Kitten - 8/8/2010 01:05 - United States

Today, my husband discovered that whispering anything in my ear will turn me on. He turned to me and whispered 'cheeseburger' in my ear. Unfortunately, I moaned. Now he now laughs about it with our roommate. FML

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By Pk45 - 11/11/2011 15:37 - United Kingdom

Today, my young son wanted to rent some movie with talking animals in it for us to watch together. I couldn't say no, but talking animal movies freak me out big time, I either start to cry or feel nauseous. Especially ones with dogs. What is wrong with me? FML

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By GeeThanks - 25/7/2013 02:33 - Canada - Toronto

Today, a drunk dude walked up to me and said, "You're ugly as fuck." His sober friend quickly apologized and explained that he was wasted, before looking me up and down and adding "Well, not completely, I guess." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2010 14:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that I could see my own mustache out of my peripheral vision while I was eating. I'm a 23 year old woman. FML

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By Sack - 10/11/2011 11:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I sat on the toilet and fell off as the broken toilet seat slid off. As I fell, I grabbed the light cord in an effort to stop myself, and pulled it out of the ceiling. Now I can't use the toilet, and have to shower in the dark. FML

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By Alwayshappens2me - 17/7/2009 23:09 - United States

Today, I learned that even when you put a sock on the door because you are having sex with your boyfriend, doesn't mean your mom won't walk in your brand new apartment for a "surprise visit." FML

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Top comments

By TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#600989 - Saturday 3 October 2009 10:11

Well, I think it would be funny to shine the laser pointer at his balls the next time he sleeps naked.

By whyevenbother | 0

#600966 - Saturday 3 October 2009 9:54

he was right.

Comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#600959 - Saturday 3 October 2009 9:52

rawrr >:3

Gia0896 | 0

#604071 - Monday 5 October 2009 3:11

AWESOME! Thats a cool idea. Im gonna try that on my brother. :)

BrutalFbomb | 5

#1580397 - Thursday 21 October 2010 8:53

I'm gonna buy one just to do that lmao!!!

Angi95 | 3

#2760194 - Sunday 26 June 2011 3:04

at least you married a guy with a sense of humor.

By whyevenbother | 0

#600966 - Saturday 3 October 2009 9:54

he was right.

null_fml | 11

#601006 - Saturday 3 October 2009 10:27

Yep, that's what I was gonna say too. He was right.

BenignScientists | 0

#601154 - Saturday 3 October 2009 14:46

I concur

Reyo | 2

#602236 - Sunday 4 October 2009 4:38

I chuckled.

ifinsane | 6

#3505491 - Friday 28 October 2011 23:38

That's what you get for having a cat.

By michael_Hardman | 0

#600971 - Saturday 3 October 2009 9:57

priceless...thats something i would do

By bedspring_kiss54 | 0

#600983 - Saturday 3 October 2009 10:05

Ouch!

By TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#600989 - Saturday 3 October 2009 10:11

Well, I think it would be funny to shine the laser pointer at his balls the next time he sleeps naked.

megusta3 | 5

#4993428 - Monday 1 October 2012 23:51

connorhperkins | 9

#6627082 - Monday 13 June 2016 6:48

That's just cruel and unusual

By Antivirus_fml | 0

#600998 - Saturday 3 October 2009 10:21

But then she wont be able to have kids. :p

By King_of_Kings | 3

#601014 - Saturday 3 October 2009 10:34

AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Funny shit right here people!

By Witchcraft_fml | 4

#601017 - Saturday 3 October 2009 10:39

At least you were awakened from sleep by raw, physical, rough animal play.
Yum. :]

Was he spanked for being a bad boy?

EmilyCecile | 0

#2197302 - Friday 18 March 2011 2:07

oh ha i see what u did there. nice :)

By jdog69 | 0

#601025 - Saturday 3 October 2009 10:52

that IS funny

By napero | 0

#601047 - Saturday 3 October 2009 11:36

And he took a video of it and posted on youtube? I want to see that >: D