Today, I was walking on the track when this really cute guy shows... - FML

By gymbob - 6/5/2009 11:36 - United States

Today, I was walking on the track when this really cute guy shows up. I was hot and sweaty, and wanted to impress him by pouring water on myself. Instead of being turned on, all he saw was me wiping my face on my shirt screaming. It wasn't water, I forgot I had brought Sprite. FML

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Instadrama

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Workaholic

By Chipper - 9/6/2009 00:14 - United States

Today, I was playing piano for a wedding rehearsal. Bored, I decided to pass the time playing through a book of music I found in the piano bench. Some time later the bride turns to me and screams at me to stop. I had turned the page and had begun to play "Let's call the whole thing off." FML

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By That guy - 8/8/2016 15:45 - United States - Mansfield

Today, I was told that every week the grocery store I work for has a "mystery customer" who shops throughout the store and rates us. Our store has gotten straight 100s for the past two years, and I ruined their streak. Apparently, I was the worst they've ever seen. FML

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By Jota - 23/10/2017 19:00

Today, I was doing a job interview on Skype when my roommate decided to reboot the wireless router because "the internet was too slow". The interviewer didn't bother calling again. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2017 16:00

Today, I confronted my lousy, loud, messy neighbors about the trash they throw in my yard. They responded by throwing my trash in their yard, then called the police to report me for vandalism and illegal dumping when I returned their trash. Guess who has a court appearance in two weeks. FML

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By MonieIndmiddle - 13/11/2017 05:00

Today, my kids caught a virus from school. My husband stayed home with them since I make more money and he didn't want to risk me getting sick. Guess which adult has the runs and is puking every five seconds. Nope, not him. FML

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By sucks - 12/3/2009 17:53 - United States

Today, I decided to tell my mom about my choice to wait to have sex until after marriage. Coming from a very christian family I thought she would be proud. Instead she laughed and said, "is that your excuse for not being able to get laid?" and walked out of the room. FML

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By i tried so hard - 8/1/2016 15:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried really hard for once on an assignment. I was told it was my worst work yet and that I may as well have turned nothing in at all. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2014 21:50 - United States - Mount Laurel

Today, I realized why I never hear my voice echoing when I sing to my boyfriend on Skype; he just mutes me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2014 03:28 - United States - Salem

Today, my brother got upset at his video game and flung his DS at the wall, just as I was walking by. I got knocked out to the sound of someone crossing the finish line in MarioKart. FML

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By Bortenssen - 8/8/2019 10:05 - Australia - Perth

It was either an expensive event, or learn to manage your money.

Today, I found out that the reason I couldn’t buy a commemorative jacket to wear at my rugby club's 50th anniversary was because the event had already happened. I paid in full for the event, and it cost me most of my savings. FML

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By jillydark6609 - 19/9/2010 06:21 - United States

Today, I found a big spider on my wall. I have arachnophobia, and I was trying to kill it with my shoe. I pulled back and hit myself in the face, causing me to fall backwards. The spider is still alive somewhere in my house. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2011 23:18 - United States

Today, my parents told me that due to my lacking height and weight, I legally have to sit in a booster seat in the car from now on. I'm nineteen. FML

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By wdavi022 - 5/1/2011 09:01

Today, I found out my identity was stolen. The person got credit cards in my name and didn't pay the bills, which has ruined my near perfect credit. The worst part about all of this is that I can't turn the person in. It's my mom, and sending her to jail wouldn't really work out for anyone. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2009 05:23 - Canada

Today, I got in my car. When I sat down, I realized a cat had got in the back seat. The cat startled me so I jumped out and slammed the door. Locking myself out. I watched the cat scratch my seats up for an hour. I'm highly allergic to cats. I can't get in my own car without breaking out in hives. FML

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By Mack - 31/8/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I rented a drill to a straight-up valley girl, with the speech affect, Von Dutch patrol cap and all. I tried to disabuse of her of the idea that aluminum is a form of steel. Apparently, that constitutes being a smartass, so she threw her change at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2010 06:10 - United States

Today, I found out why my boyfriend of over a year is so obsessed with cleaning his entire place before I come over. He's been hiding the ex girlfriend that never moved out. FML

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By byepolar_bare - 19/12/2010 11:29 - United States

Today, I woke up late for work, and got sick at work twice; when I got home I discovered I'd paid my cable bill late when I got cut off. When my girlfriend came over, the first thing she said was "Do you know about the graffiti on your car?" FML

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By Aus - 26/4/2012 14:43 - United States

Today, I received a text from the guy I'm into, thanking me for helping him drunkenly stumble back to his apartment last night. He ended it with, "How long did you stay?" Apparently, he doesn't remember confessing his secret love for me, or the fantastic kiss that followed. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 05:00

Unhygienic or he's a natural hunter-gatherer

Today, I found my missing wedding band inside my 2-year old's pull up. It was accompanied by two coins, a Hot Wheels car, a pebble, and a dead bug. FML

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By Bruce - 2/2/2012 03:11 - United States

Today, my son learned that when you slide a mug across the kitchen table, it doesn't stop where you expect it to like in the old cartoons. I then learned what it feels like to have a full mug of hot chocolate spilled onto my crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2011 08:17 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend forgot to tell me about the all-night bender he went out on, and what he got up to with my best friend. But its okay; the Facebook pictures say it all. FML

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By anon - 27/3/2015 20:09 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while getting ready for a job interview, I sneezed while brushing my teeth, splattering toothpaste everywhere and ruining my brand new dress. FML

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By N/A - 25/9/2012 04:13 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I went to my gynecologist's for a check-up. After the doctor checked me I went to the bathroom. It turns out the walls aren't soundproofed, because I could hear the doctor telling his assistant, "God! How did she ever find a husband?" FML

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By mooseknuckle - 31/5/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I realized that the closest thing I have to a savings account is the cup on my dresser with coins in it. I counted it, $17.34. That is my savings. I'm 28. FML

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By Justme - 30/6/2016 18:20 - United States - Missoula

Today, while I was riding the bus to work, I noticed the guy sitting across from me had shorts on. He also had no underwear on and I could fully see his "parts" just hanging there. I decided to switch seats but as I stood up to move, the bus jerked. I fell face forward right into his "parts". FML

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By thegrandchawhee - 29/8/2015 17:13 - United States - Yakima

Today, I was scheduled to fill in at the customer service counter where I work. Today was also the day that I allegedly accused a customer of being a thief, sold her a fraudulent money order, and will be sued for defamation of character. FML

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By bail? - 29/8/2019 23:00 - United States - Omaha

Today, my daughter's idea of a prank was taking all of our money and getting herself arrested. FML

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By soprahb - 19/10/2012 06:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's new favorite TV show is Law and Order SVU. Now after every episode she insists on asking me if I'm sure I wasn't molested as a kid. She's still on the first season. FML

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By ugh - 21/4/2012 05:12 - United States - Athens

Today, while driving home after the legal curfew, I narrowly avoided a police roadblock and backtracked a mile to drive home another way. I then ran out of gas a mile away from my house. FML

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By stk - 19/12/2016 12:56 - United States - Aurora

Today, I woke up at 3am to catch my flight back home, only to realize that my flight was pushed back 14 hours. FML

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By snappyPi - 28/1/2011 06:21

Today, I wrote a poem and was very proud of it. I showed it to my mom. After reading it, her response was, "What is this shit?" FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2013 01:09 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my girlfriend tried explaining a duck flying into our living room and taking a shit everywhere as "paranormal activity". FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2019 20:00

Today, I learned what a "pain in the ass" means. I sat down on my patio swing chair, only to discover it was swarming with baby wasps, who stung me all over the butt. Ouch! FML

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By fatty - 9/6/2009 08:39 - Germany

Today, I met my cousin after two years. She got really tall and skinny, like a model. I joked saying, "You've grown and gotten slim, and I've stayed the same and have gotten fat." I expected some sort of disagreement. Instead, she looked me up and down, frowned, and gave me a long, sympathetic hug. FML

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By Screamslikeagirl - 27/9/2016 19:17 - United States - Union City

Today, there must have been a wasp clinging to my front door because when I walked outside, it dropped between my glasses and my face and began stinging me all around my eye. I don't know if my eye is more swollen from the stings or from me repeatedly punching myself in the face. FML

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By Dv0829 - 21/10/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, I went to the store with my girlfriend. She needed to use the bathroom so I started looking at the books. It wasn't until the manager shot me a weird look that I realized I'd wandered down too far and was looking at bridal magazines, holding tampons, dog treats, and hair spray. FML

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By faeliality - 15/10/2016 05:54 - United States

Today, I discovered that yes, you CAN forget how to ride a bike. Too bad I discovered this in front of all my son's friends and their parents while at his birthday party. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2011 15:46 - United States

Today, I watched my grandfather try and park his car inside the storage area for shopping carts, thinking it was a parking space. FML

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By ChrisD2V - 1/12/2011 03:52 - United States

Today, I photocopied several hundred pages of my school's textbook because I didn't want to buy it. My school later says to just buy it and it will be reimbursed. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 17:29 - United States

Today, my toilet broke. Yesterday, the shower filled up with sludge. I have ten people coming over for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. FML

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Top comments

By Curiouser | 0

#174046 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:32

YDI for bringing pop to drink when you work out period.

By antbait11 | 0

#174047 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:32

why would you drink sprite when you're supposed to be exercising?

COMMENTS

By hamzy | 0

#174039 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:31

Pretty obvious YDI

Reply

ryguy997 | 0

#945034 - Sunday 14 March 2010 7:04

so why the screaming??

Reply

ronton | 4

#1038675 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 5:57

YDI for being hot and sweaty from walking...

Reply

mayumm | 0

#1159625 - Friday 30 July 2010 3:51

And how would pouring water on yourself be a turn on??

Reply

McCamryn123 | 0

#1169700 - Sunday 1 August 2010 8:36

*favorite*(:

Reply

Idonebeenhad | 17

#2677024 - Tuesday 14 June 2011 6:26

you brought SPRITE on a jog? LOL

Reply

BigMacBoi | 3

#3176447 - Thursday 25 August 2011 8:40

283- maybe she was wearing a white shirt? JUST a white shirt.

By Cormophyte | 0

#174041 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:31

Screaming? Really? Eyes open and painful screaming, or "I am frustrated and an attention ho and forgot I shouldn't scream in public" screaming?

By deliverypenguin | 0

#174042 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:31

epic fail

By Curiouser | 0

#174046 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:32

YDI for bringing pop to drink when you work out period.

By antbait11 | 0

#174047 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:32

why would you drink sprite when you're supposed to be exercising?

Reply

WaltzingPhanthom | 23

#6241041 - Monday 23 March 2015 13:53

In South Korea, there's an advertisement where a sexy girl is jogging and asks another jogger if he would like a Sprite shower. Perhaps she was advertising? Lol.

By jonnymohio | 2

#174053 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:34

Why would Sprite make you scream? Scared of the fizz? YDI

Reply

vampirekisses91 | 0

#3098583 - Saturday 13 August 2011 6:06

If you get It in your eyes it burns, making some people scream I guess.

By rigorouswolf | 0

#174054 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:34

Number one, you're a fucking retard bringing sprite on a run, number 2, guys don't find that shit too hot

Reply

DigitalFusion | 4

#3050216 - Saturday 6 August 2011 7:58

Number one, you said number 2. Number 2, yes we do.

Reply

mk58 | 31

#4345366 - Monday 23 April 2012 22:18

^^ What the fuck are you even talking about, dude?

Reply

WutTheFork | 3

#7407582 - Thursday 9 February 2017 23:05

Dude said "Number one" then said "Number 2"
Instead of "Number two"

By sofarsogood | 0

#174055 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:34

hot and sweaty walking on a track?

By prettygirlsonly | 0

#174063 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:36

YDI BIG TIME :p

By Headcase | 0

#174065 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:37

Sprite really tickles. Pity it's so sticky.