Today, I was walking on the track when this really cute guy shows... - FML

By gymbob - 6/5/2009 11:36 - United States

Today, I was walking on the track when this really cute guy shows up. I was hot and sweaty, and wanted to impress him by pouring water on myself. Instead of being turned on, all he saw was me wiping my face on my shirt screaming. It wasn't water, I forgot I had brought Sprite. FML

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Body issues

Big baby man

Oh, hai!

By FirehouseShowersAreGross - 5/7/2019 00:00

Today, I’m showering at a local firehouse. Why? Because our shower is broken and my dad refuses to fix it, or get someone to fix it for us. It’s been a year and a half since I've showered in my own home. FML

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By bad boyfriend - 26/3/2010 01:50 - Canada

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house. She had promised me we'd get it on so I couldn't wait. When I got there, I didn't get it on. Instead, I got a list of reasons why I make her depressed. FML

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By XxFA1LxX - 22/7/2012 13:57 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my neighbors bought a signal scrambler to stop their kids from going on the internet at night. Too bad it blocks my internet too. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 22:23 - United States

Today, my mother took a bunch of sleeping pills, then went driving. I followed her and dialed 911. Now she thinks that I was "trying to get her arrested," and she refuses to talk to me ever again. FML

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By Chia - 10/5/2013 22:58 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I cancelled our date tonight. I cancelled because I had a seizure and was taken to the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2009 06:21 - United States

Today, the three-year-old I was babysitting asked me where my boyfriend was. I told her he was at his house. I'm twenty and single. I lied to a three year old to make myself look less pathetic. FML

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By BillLumberg - 3/2/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I released a noxious, unforgiving fart in my cubicle not thinking anything of it. You know, one of those sulfurous clouds you get the morning after a few good beers. Moments later, my manager walks in to talk about work. It's 7:30 in the morning, no one else is around. FML

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By UGH! - 19/12/2016 18:21 - Canada

Today, I slid into a seat in a very busy foodcourt that was jam packed full of seniors at the mall. It was the only seat available, so I was quick to jump into it. It was soaked with urine. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2016 06:33

Today, my father told me that it wasn't that I was written out of his will, it's that he never thought to include me in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 10:57 - Australia

Today, I was shaving my left armpit when I cut myself badly. I wondered whether or not it would be safe to shave my right armpit, then reasoned that it couldn’t possibly happen twice. It did. FML

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By hesgonnahateme - 6/6/2013 05:08 - United States - Benton

Today, I got a promotion and transfer at work. My first responsibility is to fire my soon to be father in-law. FML

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By brit - 13/10/2011 19:27 - United States

Today, the student council gave us our senior class t-shirts. Our theme this year is "Striving for Excellence." Excellence was misspelled. FML

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By Rachael - 30/11/2012 07:29 - Australia

Today, I was woken up by my elderly neighbor banging on my door at 2am. She needed "urgent" assistance as she had forgotten how to turn her TV off. I'd just fallen asleep. FML

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By JustAGiftCardPlease - 16/6/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I received the box my parents sent me for my birthday. Contents were a travel first-aid kit, and a remote control robot toy, with an age recommendation on the box of 8. I'm 29. They thought that since I'm an engineer I would like the toy. They also think I'll hurt myself with it. FML

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By Anonyme - 17/12/2015 06:24 - France - Lyon

Today, Murphy's law didn't check out: my piece of toast didn't fall on the side containing the spread of jam. However, when I leaned against the corner of the table to pick it up, I knocked a full ashtray on top of it. FML

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By TallGal - 14/9/2012 08:26 - United States - Tucson

Today, I had a date with a guy from the Internet. I'm 6ft1, which tends to put potential dates off, so I'd slyly knocked a few inches off my description. Turns out he'd done the same. He'd added a whole foot to his height. I had to crouch to talk to him. FML

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By derped-out sperm - 1/4/2014 21:41 - Ireland

Today, I had to rush my 14-year-old son to the hospital after he fell out of a tree while trying to take an obnoxious "extreme selfie". FML

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By em - 5/2/2011 09:32 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk. As he got home he asked me to marry him, I was going to say yes until he said, "Oh wait, wrong woman." FML

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By icanthearyou - 4/4/2013 23:55 - United States - Rock Island

Today, I was working at a daycare. There was a 6-year-old boy pretending to be my doctor, holding a little, plastic thermometer. He then, without warning, quickly shoved it deep into my ear. The last thing I heard was his giggle. I think I'm deaf. FML

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By CrimsonChin - 26/8/2017 04:30

Today, out of boredom, I decided to clean shave my beard and moustache for the first time in 3 years. My new nickname at work is The Crimson Chin. FML

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By just socially awkward - 16/11/2018 12:00

Today, despite the carriage being entirely empty, a large man chose to sit right beside me on the train. After making me uncomfortable with personal questions, he asked if we could be friends and hang out, both of which I shyly declined. He then accused me of being a racist. FML

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By Christmasloverandstuff - 25/12/2012 17:45 - United States

Today, my extended family came over for Christmas. I forgot to get a present for my extremely sensitive aunt. I took a gift from my re-gift pile and wrapped it quickly. Little did I remember that it was the same gift she gave me last year. She noticed. FML

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By mrmatt008 - 17/7/2009 12:07 - France

Today, I got back to work from a 3 week vacation. My boss had asked me to get him something so when I returned I presented him with a shotglass with the British flag on it. I later found out that he is a recovering alcoholic. FML

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By Username - 16/6/2011 13:20 - United States

Today, my son invited his girlfriend over to our house just to break up with her. Then he asked me to drive her home. So I was then stuck in a car with a bawling teenage girl who lived over twenty minutes away. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2011 13:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I lied to my diary about my weight. FML

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By swedishdude - 14/11/2009 13:37 - Sweden

Today, I was at a party where I ate a bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML

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By arianelagolden - 4/8/2016 07:27

Today, I see our boss, visiting from USA, press the button on the coffee machine, probably thinking the cup will drop automatically. No time to explain, I grab a cup in the cupboard and put it under the now pouring coffee. Next thing I know, I'm lying on the floor, my boss's bodyguard on top of me. FML

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By cock blocked - 22/4/2015 15:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I started work cleaning a customer's pool. I think her husband watches too much porn because he keeps glaring at me from the windows, and I overheard him telling his wife that he knows what's "going on" and that he's "not gonna let it happen". FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2009 23:42 - United States

Today, at a family gathering, my aunt asked me when I was planning to have children. I'm only 16, I laughed and said not for a while, definitely not until I get married. My family shook their heads, and ignored me for the rest of the day. Apparently, teenage pregnancy is valued in my family. FML

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By Misky - 2/7/2012 02:51

Today, I was walking past a homeless guy while smoking; he asked if he could have a cigarette. So I gave him one and said without thinking, "Sorry, it’s a menthol, but beggars can't be choosers." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2015 11:41 - United States - Mechanicsville

Today, I had to bail my son out of jail, because he's a pansy and wouldn't last a night in there. His crime: pissing through the open windows of passing cars after losing a bet with his friends. I feel like if he gave me grandkids, they'd be born with half a brain. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2020 02:00

How d'you think?

Today, I announced my pregnancy to my boss. I was expecting all sorts of reactions, except, "But... Erm... How did that happen?" FML

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By Nirah - 26/7/2019 21:00 - Canada - Parksville

Today, I'm a week into a prescription of extremely constipating antibiotics. I also just caught the stomach bug going around at work that causes aggressive diarrhea. The two combined mean I have a constant, slow-moving stream of thick, foul-smelling sludge coming out of me. FML

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By anonymous - 20/2/2010 01:47 - Ireland

Today, while in bed with my game obsessed girlfriend, she told me I was a "noob" in bed. FML

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By cassiebee - 4/11/2012 14:16 - United States - Morgan

Today, at work I was trying to be nice and give a customer a discount because she was having trouble finding money to pay for her food. Everybody behind her then demanded a discount as well. FML

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By AnalProbe - 12/3/2017 18:00

Today, my mother warned me that if I ever have anal sex I will die. I'm 28. FML

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By MisterBrown - 15/2/2010 07:08 - United States

Today, while at a family get together, my bowels suddenly decided they needed to be emptied. Straight away. I felt bad enough using someone else's bathroom for this, but later, my sister came in and loudly said "God, Brian, what the hell have you been eating?" in front of everyone at the get together. FML

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By Ryan - 7/2/2010 14:18 - France

Today, I cut my finger at work while chopping some vegetables. I grabbed the nearest rag I could to stop the bleeding and put it on the cut. I didn't know the rag had just been used to clean up a lemon juice spill. FML

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By LowOnGas - 2/5/2019 18:00

Today, I drove my toddler to a schoolmate’s birthday party at a chuck-e-Cheese an hour drive away, only to find out the party is tomorrow. FML

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By Username - 15/12/2010 17:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was listening to music while I wrapped Christmas presents. All was going well when the music was cut off, literally. I snipped the cable to my very expensive headphones in half. FML

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Top comments

By Curiouser | 0

#174046 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:32

YDI for bringing pop to drink when you work out period.

By antbait11 | 0

#174047 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:32

why would you drink sprite when you're supposed to be exercising?

Comments

By hamzy | 0

#174039 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:31

Pretty obvious YDI

Reply

ryguy997 | 0

#945034 - Sunday 14 March 2010 7:04

so why the screaming??

Reply

ronton | 4

#1038675 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 5:57

YDI for being hot and sweaty from walking...

Reply

mayumm | 0

#1159625 - Friday 30 July 2010 3:51

And how would pouring water on yourself be a turn on??

Reply

McCamryn123 | 0

#1169700 - Sunday 1 August 2010 8:36

*favorite*(:

Reply

Idonebeenhad | 17

#2677024 - Tuesday 14 June 2011 6:26

you brought SPRITE on a jog? LOL

Reply

BigMacBoi | 3

#3176447 - Thursday 25 August 2011 8:40

283- maybe she was wearing a white shirt? JUST a white shirt.

By Cormophyte | 0

#174041 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:31

Screaming? Really? Eyes open and painful screaming, or "I am frustrated and an attention ho and forgot I shouldn't scream in public" screaming?

By deliverypenguin | 0

#174042 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:31

epic fail

By Curiouser | 0

#174046 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:32

YDI for bringing pop to drink when you work out period.

By antbait11 | 0

#174047 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:32

why would you drink sprite when you're supposed to be exercising?

Reply

WaltzingPhanthom | 23

#6241041 - Monday 23 March 2015 13:53

In South Korea, there's an advertisement where a sexy girl is jogging and asks another jogger if he would like a Sprite shower. Perhaps she was advertising? Lol.

By jonnymohio | 2

#174053 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:34

Why would Sprite make you scream? Scared of the fizz? YDI

Reply

vampirekisses91 | 0

#3098583 - Saturday 13 August 2011 6:06

If you get It in your eyes it burns, making some people scream I guess.

By rigorouswolf | 0

#174054 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:34

Number one, you're a fucking retard bringing sprite on a run, number 2, guys don't find that shit too hot

Reply

DigitalFusion | 4

#3050216 - Saturday 6 August 2011 7:58

Number one, you said number 2. Number 2, yes we do.

Reply

mk58 | 31

#4345366 - Monday 23 April 2012 22:18

^^ What the fuck are you even talking about, dude?

Reply

WutTheFork | 3

#7407582 - Thursday 9 February 2017 23:05

Dude said "Number one" then said "Number 2"
Instead of "Number two"

By sofarsogood | 0

#174055 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:34

hot and sweaty walking on a track?

By prettygirlsonly | 0

#174063 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:36

YDI BIG TIME :p

By Headcase | 0

#174065 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 16:37

Sprite really tickles. Pity it's so sticky.