Health: Today, I went to a cute frog-themed frozen yogurt shop that was... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, I went to a cute frog-themed frozen yogurt shop that was surprisingly realistic. So realistic, in fact, that there was a dead fly in my yogurt. I found it with my tongue. FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Out of it

Wait, what?

By jayden5 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting next to this really cute guy in choir class. Trying to make conversation, I asked him what his favorite song was. He replied "Leave Me Alone". I asked him who it was by and he said, "It's not a song, I just want you to leave me alone". FML

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By Disappointed - United States - Lexington

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary. All I got was him stopping by for a quickie before he went into work. FML

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By RyanSmithN - United States

Today, I used a public bathroom and set my motorcycle helmet on the sink while I used the urinal. The helmet rolled into the sink, under the faucet and set off the motion detector, soaking the inside. I drove 15 miles home in 30 degree weather with a wet helmet. FML

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By romance sucks. - United States - Spencer

Today, my class was interrupted by flowers, balloons and chocolates. Then he sang to me a song he wrote himself. This was all for our one-year anniversary. It probably would have been the best day of my life... if I knew who he was. FML

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By sandyseashells10 - United States

Today, I went to the waterpark and my kids were fighting so I grounded them both. We concluded the day by boogey boarding on a mechanical wave. There was so much water I didn't realize my boobs had completely fallen out of my bikini. As revenge, my kids didn't tell me. FML

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By goodlkjh - South Africa

Today, my mom decided it was a good idea to put a camera in my room so I could be watched at all times, to make sure I'm behaving. I'm 14. FML

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By N - United States - Glenwood Springs

Today, I paid 60 dollars for my senior yearbook. They forgot to put me in it. FML

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By dawg - United States - Stuart

Today, I found out that the "IRS scam" that I ignored last week was actually not a scam, and now I have a warrant out for me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I helped out with makeup at my daughter's high school play. As one girl walked past, I told her that she'd smudged pink lipstick all up the side of her face. Turns out it was a birthmark. She cried in the dressing room for half an hour. FML

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By poop - United States

Today, my mother surprised me with a new alarm clock. It's attached to a toy car which races around my room with obnoxious sirens going at full blast until I crawl out of bed and turn it off. She says this will be a regular thing. FML

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By Banker - United States

Today, I interviewed for a call center job making $13/hr, the only job where they called back. I used to live in a doorman luxury apartment in Manhattan with a prime skyline view and clubhouse. That was last month. FML

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By Beeisc00l - Reserved

Today, I was playing video games at 2am. My guinea pig started squealing at me, and wouldn't stop until I turned out the lights and got into bed. I'm 20 years old, and I've let a rodent dictate my bedtime. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lancaster

Today, my boyfriend of three years, whom I recently got engaged to, asked me to take a photo of my mother's boobs while she was sleeping so that he could see what mine would look like when I got older. FML

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By Lissa - 13/1/2021 01:58

Start worrying

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend doesn’t have me as a pinned text message thread on his phone. But he definitely has his female best friend pinned. He even has a cute nickname for her. The girl he says, "Not to worry about." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, I spent over an hour shovelling the walkway and driveway, snow blowing in my face and down my coat. When I was finally finished, a guy started going through the neighborhood plowing everyone's driveways for them. FML

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By 3023-dang - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is four months pregnant. She can't wait for us to be parents. I guess she forgot that I haven't seen her in 7 months. FML

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By Lexi - United States

Waiting For Godot 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, my muscles are sore in my arm. I told my boyfriend I think I slept on it wrong. Truth is, it's from masturbation. He won't have sex until we're married. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Suwanee

Today, I caught my girlfriend Googling how to uninstall Siri. I asked why she wanted to do that, and she said, "I don't like it. I don't like how the slut talks to you." I get the feeling I'll need a gun when I break up with this crazy fucker. FML

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By ProudMother - United Kingdom - Telford

Today, my 20-year-old came whining to me, asking why his job interviews keep going so poorly. I had to delicately explain that the "PIMP SLAP" tattoo he had put on his right hand recently may have something to do with it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after a week of not seeing each other, my boyfriend asked if he could come over and hang out. He only came because he ran out of food at his house. FML

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By Monkey253100 - France

Today, I decided to be healthy and go for a run. I broke my ankle. FML

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By anonymous - Australia - Tennyson

Today, I was with my boyfriend. He got up, shut the blinds and turned around to say, "I don't usually shut the blinds, but no one can see this." Assuming we were going to have sex, I took my pants off. He asked me what I was doing, then sat down to eat an entire tub of ice cream. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend, of a year, got drunk and called me flat chested then said the reason he won't have sex with me anymore is because he is "used" to me. He said all of this in front of his friends. FML

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By rockytrolley - Cyprus

Today, my taxi driver kept falling asleep and swerving off the road, so I asked him if he was okay. He stopped and burst out sobbing about the long hours he had to do after his divorce and his wife taking all he had. Long story short, I ended up driving him home and getting a taxi from his place. FML

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By Jelly_Hell

Today, I almost got hit by a car because the kid in the back who was wearing headphones was paying more attention to the road than the driver. He only just stopped her. FML

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By Darla - United States - Arcadia

Today, I realized that at age 54, I'm no longer young enough to go commando anymore. Every time I sneezed today, I peed myself. FML

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By zzarzzur - United States - San Francisco

Today, I installed motion sensor lights in my house to save on energy. When I laid down in bed, I saw the lights turn on from downstairs to the kitchen. I live alone. FML

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By i have failed so very badly - United States - Syracuse

Today, I found out our eight-year-old son lied about his former babysitter beating him. The babysitter's already thrashed us on social media for believing our son, and now no one in town is willing to babysit for us. Looks like date night is cancelled. FML

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By reallyson? - United States - South Hadley

Today, I got undressed in front of my boyfriend for the first time. His reaction? "You're chubbier than I expected". FML

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By Mush - France - Montpellier

Today, after an 8-month wait, I went on my big vacation. The beach, the sea, the dive, the jellyfish, the allergic reaction, the hospital. FML

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By Tib - United States

Today, I had to take a urine test. I drank a lot of water so that I wouldn't force it. When I got there, I had to pee really bad. The cup was too small and when I relieved my bladder, it was a jet that rebounded off of the cup and overflowed going all over my hands, clothes, toilet, and floor. FML

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By Redhead

Today, I decided to get in the cowgirl position since it's my fiancé's favorite. I got a little carried away during the "ride" and suddenly heard his dick crack. I fractured his penis. He's never going to have sex with me again. FML

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By okaydisarray - United States - Dayton

Today, my husband's 70-year-old uncle came for a visit. Since we only have 2 bedrooms, we set him up in our daughter's room. Later, I glanced into the room and saw him masturbating in her bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2020 11:02

Delusional

Today, my sister made serious plans to move to another country to be closer to the married man she's having an affair with. She thinks this will force him to leave his family. I know who will have to listen to her whining when she is sitting all alone in a different country. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Herford

Today, my boyfriend had the choice of A) living alone gaming, or B) moving in with me, gaming in his own man-cave, lots of sex, and lots of pizza. He chose choice A. FML

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By fuck Star Wars - 14/9/2020 10:02

The Force is weak with this one

Today, I sat through 9 gruelling hours of Star Wars with my boyfriend. I hate those movies with a passion and frankly would rather get a pap smear from Wolverine than watch them. Afterwards, he dumped me for yawning, saying that I didn’t take a “serious” interest in his favorite things. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, let's just say it's not a good sign when your plumber yells "What the fuck?!" That is, unless you actually like your kitchen being swamped by sewage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a dutch oven, with my own fart. FML

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By Rick - United Kingdom

Today, I fell in a river with a £700 camera, a £200 lens, and an iPhone while trying to rescue a 50 pence ball for my dog. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I married the beautiful girl I’ve been in love with since we were both 6 years old. By married, I mean I performed the marriage ceremony as the vicar and watched her smile and kiss her arsehole boyfriend, now husband, right in front of me. FML

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Top comments

By MannyWasHere | 12

#7632122 - Tuesday 8 May 2018 19:13

lol, you got too into character

By IAmClay | 24

#7632123 - Tuesday 8 May 2018 19:14

Sprinkles alternative

COMMENTS

By BrotherPhil | 32

#7620958 - Tuesday 10 April 2018 1:06

At least you found it in a way that fits the theme.

By MannyWasHere | 12

#7632122 - Tuesday 8 May 2018 19:13

lol, you got too into character

By IAmClay | 24

#7632123 - Tuesday 8 May 2018 19:14

Sprinkles alternative

By RichardPencil | 30

#7632124 - Tuesday 8 May 2018 19:15

That’s pretty good — live flies would be better, ribbitt!

By ARISKomuniszt | 24

#7632132 - Tuesday 8 May 2018 20:07

froggy froyo

By routerere | 10

#7632144 - Tuesday 8 May 2018 20:57

I can't decide if you should ask for your money back or tip extra for the realism.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7632159 - Tuesday 8 May 2018 21:51

You even found it with your tongue just like a real frog!

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7632167 - Tuesday 8 May 2018 22:17

Sweet Frog sure does live up to its name, where the frogs are so kind, they're willing to share their flies with you.

By John Nemeth | 14

#7632187 - Wednesday 9 May 2018 0:36

I *ribbit* my case.

By dexter420 | 21

#7632203 - Wednesday 9 May 2018 2:34

Its a frog eat frog world