Today, I was waiting for a call from a job I had applied for.... - FML

By Atheist - 22/3/2012 04:56 - United States - Portland

Today, I was waiting for a call from a job I had applied for. When the phone rang, I ran as fast I could up the stairs, falling and slamming my shin on the way. The call? It was a woman asking me, "Hi, do you have time to learn about our lord Jesus Christ?" FML

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Goodbye Bill

Vultures

Live dumping

By shinra - 18/7/2018 20:30

Freaky...

Today, it's the third time in a row that I've woken myself up in the middle of the night by pouring freezing cold water on myself. I didn’t even have water on my nightstand last night. I woke up in the kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, a man with a face like a corpse's shoe started talking to me in the long queue at the Post Office. Apparently, his mother invented the banana, and he's first in line for the throne in France if ever Prince Harry dies. And his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2013 16:53 - United States - Livingston

Today, my family and I finished moving to Texas. As if that isn't bad enough, I'll have to introduce myself all over again to everyone I meet and explain that yes, my parents really did name me Lilypad. FML

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By bad blood, no shit - 3/12/2011 01:35 - United States

Today, my husband and I went to my overbearing mom's 57th birthday party. He opened his gift in front of her and said smugly, "The makeup's for your face, and the prayer book's for the fat rolls." Any hope of family peace is now lost. FML

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By bookworm - 8/6/2019 14:00

Today, I had a garage sale and sold some books I don't read anymore. A woman came up and yelled at me, saying I'd stolen one of the books from her house. I later found out that it was a distraction so that her boyfriend could steal my TV. FML

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By Tired Girlfriend - 14/6/2017 22:00

Today, it's 2am. I've been trying to get to sleep for the past two hours next to my snoring boyfriend. Every time I nudge him to shut him up, his body tenses, he farts, then goes straight back to snoring. FML

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By pa - 21/5/2009 13:06 - United States

Today, my parents bought me a wine glass with "Who needs a man?" painted all over it. Cute, until after dinner my mom looked me in the eyes and asked with complete sincerity, "Kara, are you gay?" My parents tried to get me to come out. I'm straight. FML

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By socialix - 19/4/2015 01:03 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I poured my heart out to my girlfriend with a serenade. After I finished, she told me she'd come over to tell me she'd found someone else and wanted to break up. FML

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By Crazy cat lady - 10/4/2015 15:20 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my roommate's noisiest cat passed away. My previously-silent cat has decided that someone has to fill the void, and has been running around the apartment howling ever since. FML

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By Mike - 16/10/2012 08:07 - United States

Today, I got a call from my son's school saying to pick him up because he'd shat his pants. He's in high school. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2015 00:59 - United States - Ocean Springs

Today, I got out of the shower and walked into my living room to see my sis' and her boyfriend sitting very closely on our family's fairly large couch. I laughed and said, "Look at the happy couple." Then her now ex-boyfriend burst into tears. Turns out they'd just broken up. FML

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By acincollege - 21/2/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I jokingly told my mom that I was having sex with my Professor. Her response was, "As long as you're getting A's, honey!" FML

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By Single Sally - 1/12/2019 05:00 - United States - Brandon

For what occasion

Today, my boyfriend of five years finally gave me "a ring." Oh no, not an "engagement ring." He gave me a "ring to apologize for sleeping with his married coworker." FML

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By brokeandhungry - 4/7/2013 05:18 - United States

Today, I saw a little girl digging in the gravel inside the fireworks tent I work in. After she and her family left, I went and used my foot to smooth out the mound she'd made. In doing so, I discovered that she wasn't digging, she was burying. She'd pooped. FML

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By selfesteemloss - 10/8/2013 23:41 - Spain - Barcelona

Today, I was flirting with a cute bartender on my last day in Spain. It was going well until we somehow got onto the topic of how I was recently dumped by my boyfriend of 3 years via Facebook. He spent the next 5 minutes laughing and telling his coworkers how hilarious that was. FML

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By nomorefreehugs - 27/6/2011 23:34 - United States

Today, I saw a guy with a "free hugs" poster. Since nobody else was hugging him, I decided to. He had a boner. FML

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By crop circle galore - 6/9/2014 02:36 - United States

Today, I had to take bus to work, because yesterday my car was hit by a bus. While standing there, I noticed the driver kept looking back at me every now and then. As I went to get off, he looks at me again and says: "Sorry..." FML

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By happy21sttome - 15/6/2015 13:39 - United Kingdom

Today, after 5 years in a row of my family doing absolutely nothing to even acknowledge my birthday, I got train tickets to see my boyfriend for the weekend and celebrate with him. I woke up to 6 angry texts about how I'm 'selfish' for not staying at home with my family. FML

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By :x - 3/2/2016 15:40 - United States - Richmond

Today, I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked. FML

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By muddled - 2/5/2012 06:16 - United States - Joliet

Today, I realized I have more in common with a cantaloupe than I do with my boyfriend. FML

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By Cpm - 1/12/2009 01:55 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend decided we are ready for the next step in our relationship. Apparently that next step is her taking a dump with the door open. FML

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By Brett meek - 19/2/2010 07:41 - Canada

Today, I was having sex with a girl. While we were fooling around, she started squeezing my cheeks and told me I remind her of her son. FML

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By Lonely626 - 16/6/2016 22:26

Today, while talking with a coworker, we discussed a weekend home invasion scenario. It was then that I realized my social circle is so non-existent, that my job would notice I'm gone before my friends would. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2020 20:00

Denial

Today, I got told repeatedly to "stay in my lane" by a woman in her 40s. Why? Because I politely asked her if she had a mask when she entered the retail store I work in. Our policy is that everyone must wear a face mask in the store at all times. One hour down, 8 more to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I found out that the new management position I'm supposed to start in two days was delayed for a month and a half. I already quit my current job and called my boss gay. FML

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By Sarah - 7/5/2009 04:53 - United States

Today, my manager bailed on me during the afternoon rush; swamped and distracted, I cut off the pad of my thumb in a cheese slicer. Some clinic hours later I returned, hungry and sick with blood loss, to sign WC papers. Manager's only words: "You're staying late to cover your long break, right?" FML

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By idated a moron - 10/6/2019 16:07

Today, while making plans with my boyfriend, I told him we could have lunch after my appointment with the gynecologist. He started screaming, cussing and calling me a whore. According to him, women only go to the gyno if they have an STD, which I must’ve gotten from cheating. He’s an idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2012 11:01 - United States

Today, my girlfriend learned that calling someone a "stupid bitch" under your breath while staring right at them from six feet away works very differently in my house than at hers. She also learned my sister has one hell of a punch. FML

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By VoodooPriestess - 4/7/2019 04:00

Today, my boyfriend told me the reason he dated me was because he was lonely, and I looked lonely enough to like him. FML

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By krissy - 20/3/2011 21:40 - United States

Today, I found out that the sleazy guy I met with a few days ago decided to move into my home town to "be closer" to me. I've already told him I'm not interested in him, but he still continues to ask me out. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I was driving home, it was 80 degrees out. Making a rare attempt to be eco-friendly, I turned off the A/C and lowered the windows. A bee then flew in through the window, hit my cheek, and stung me. That's what I get for attempting to be eco-friendly. FML

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By fatflabbyfail - 20/2/2010 06:09 - United States

Today, after having my bath, I realised that I've gotten so fat that I have to lift up my butt cheeks in order to dry underneath them. FML

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By copmagnet - 15/10/2010 00:43 - United States

Today, I got a $200 bonus at work and was super excited about getting a plane ticket to see my family. On the way back from work I got a $300 speeding ticket. FML

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By hurricane0331 - 24/6/2010 01:51 - United States

Today, a 75 year old lady drove into me. Her excuse was, "I wasn't looking." Awesome. FML

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By married and hates - 19/12/2010 18:51 - United States

Today, I got a call from an ex, demanding to know why my Facebook relationship status was set as married. I got married a few months ago, and I quietly explained this to her. My wife overheard and now thinks I've been cheating all along. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2015 00:08 - United States

Today, during a blowjob, my girlfriend decided to try something new by squeezing my balls as hard as she could as I came, for a "more intense orgasm". All she gave me was a ruptured testicle. FML

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By DisgustinglyFrustrated - 10/10/2013 15:40 - Argentina - Rosario

Today, I was talking dirty to my long-distance lover while touching myself, when a cockroach fell from my ceiling and landed on the hand I was molesting myself with. FML

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By Lizzie - 6/9/2019 12:02 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Dad jokes, part #23555

Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner for the first time. As a joke, my dad answered the door wearing the white church robes that he wears when he is lay-reading during a church service, and said, "Welcome, child of God." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2019 14:00 - Canada

Today, my brother spent the whole day making a harpoon out of an old Tiki torch to bring on vacation with us to Sauble Beach, and he plans on using this contraption. On the beach. With all of us there to watch. He's 17 years-old. FML

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By Ouchhh - 25/5/2010 06:54 - United States

Today, I leaned back and bumped into one of my mom's plants in the window. The good thing was that I caught it before it fell and shattered. The bad thing was that my mom likes to keep cactii in the window. I can still feel thorns I haven't managed to pluck out yet. FML

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Top comments

By NippsSlipps | 10

#4199953 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:00

Ugh I don't like people who call up about their religion.
Now change that call to a Hogwarts acceptance letter :)

By P_to_the_AM | 9

#4199956 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:00

You probably need Jesus, I can only imagine you swearing like a sailor when you fell! Hope you're okay though and that you got the job!

Comments

By broski4life | 0

#4199925 - Thursday 22 March 2012 11:53

Sorry op I hope you get the job!

By NippsSlipps | 10

#4199953 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:00

Ugh I don't like people who call up about their religion.
Now change that call to a Hogwarts acceptance letter :)

By P_to_the_AM | 9

#4199956 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:00

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Katiekhalifa_fml | 28

#4199979 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:03

This comment reeks of ignorance...

Reply

KeyboardWarrior | 10

#4200011 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:11

How so?

Reply

dominic1221 | 6

#4200023 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:14

Her comment reeks of sarcasm. You really think a Dutch girl on a site like this is going to be a religious zealot for real?

By thisbitchlys | 0

#4199960 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:00

Aw op, if the Jesus people call again just answer it screaming.

By jjake20140 | 2

#4199962 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:01

Did you?

By williamcarter93 | 13

#4199963 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:01

This is why I dislike religion. You always have someone trying to push it somewhere. I would have sworn like a wild man.

Reply

NippsSlipps | 10

#4199966 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:02

Same here.

Reply

Epsilonyx | 15

#4200016 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:12

No one "pushed" it, they were asked if they'd like to be offered it.

By Mirorbo | 26

#4199974 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:02

I didn't even know they were allowed to to do that! As if telemarketers from phony credit cart companies weren't bad enough!

Reply

hayyyyleyyyybaby_fml | 14

#4199990 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:07

there's this lovely right we still have here in america, its called 'freedom of speech' you should google it ;)

Reply

dominic1221 | 6

#4200006 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:11

You can just tell #11 probably knows nothing at all about the Constitution and probably thinks freedom of speech is fucking absolute. You're the reason we all have a bad reputation, jackass.

Reply

Katiekhalifa_fml | 28

#4200021 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:13

11 claims to be a "Grammar Nazi", but has horrible grammar.

Reply

hayyyyleyyyybaby_fml | 14

#4200057 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:20

well you see, I actually just figured since they're allowed to hand out bibles outside of schools, it's quite obvious they can call you to ask you about your religion. Forgive me for depending on common sense, I forgot this generation seems to lack it.

By bertoelmexicano | 6

#4199993 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:08

It's her fault you're clumsy and can't climb the stairs properly?

Reply

brianjman14 | 22

#4200036 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:16

First off, it's a guy. And second, if you're running as fast as you can up the stairs, it's very possible to slam into something or trip on the stairs.

By TheDirectorFury | 2

#4200000 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:09

Goddamn Mormons.

By EyeCeYu | 7

#4200025 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:14

Hey, mabye Jesus could help with that shin? Just kidding with ya. Hopefully you get a job not involving stairs.