Today, I was waiting for a call from a job I had applied for.... - FML

By Atheist - United States - Portland

Today, I was waiting for a call from a job I had applied for. When the phone rang, I ran as fast I could up the stairs, falling and slamming my shin on the way. The call? It was a woman asking me, "Hi, do you have time to learn about our lord Jesus Christ?" FML

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Serious times

Falling Down

Thanks ma

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Halstead

Today, I was on a date with my boyfriend when he suddenly got down on one knee and proposed. A waiter tripped over him and spilled our food all over him. FML

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By Numnum - United Kingdom

Today, it's decided, I'm going on diet. For real. But I said that yesterday. And the day before. FML

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By Milo - Canada

Looks to Die For...

Today, my six-year-old son told me my makeup looks like his grandmother's did in the casket. FML

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By lovethateuropeanblood - Japan - Osaka

Today, I enjoyed the soft caressing touch of the person I'm attracted to. It would have been even better if he weren't simply stroking my arm hair in amazement at its superior length and density. FML

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By makeover-needed - United States

Today, I learned how my coworkers differentiate between my coworker and me as we have the same name, when I overheard one of them ask the other, "Which one, ugly Leslie or hot Leslie?" When the answer was "ugly Leslie," he walked straight to me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my stress sweat overpowered my prescription strength deodorant 45 minutes into an 8-hour shift. I don't know who is more miserable, me or my coworkers. FML

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By waterbottlehit - United States

Today, a private number called me telling me to "Beware the water bottles" as soon as a water bottle flew through my open window, hitting me. FML

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By englishornah - United States - Somerset

Today, I asked my classmate to look over my essay. His comments were longer than the essay itself. FML

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By chewybarseventy - United States

Today, I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. FML

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By A - Canada

Today, I received a phone call at work about an emergency and I had to come home immediately. I arrived to find that no one had been hurt and the house hadn't burned down. The "emergency" was my mom ran out of milk and cigarettes. FML

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By Shropintz - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to move out. Excited, thinking he wanted us to move out from his mom's house, I said, "Yeah! Just you and me?" to which he smirked and replied, "No, just you." FML

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By "Lennie Mcfish"

Today, my girlfriend got mad at me. Why do you ask? She caught me masturbating even though she previously told me she won't have sex with until she's married. FML

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By Scarlet

Today, after calling my bank to see where my paycheck was, and waiting on hold for my entire lunch break, my boss told me she forgot to submit my deposit. I was relying on that money to pay for lunch today as I used all I had for bills. Looks like I eat tomorrow. FML

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By Just Lonely - United States - La Place

Today, after not hanging out with anyone the whole year, a guy finally asked me to go the movies with him. When I asked what time, he said, "Never mind, I found another girl." FML

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By K3you - United States

Today, my fiancé broke off our engagement after he saw one of my baby pictures. He said our future kids just wouldn't look right. FML

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By fmlmylife - United States

Today, I was walking to school and decided to be a good citizen by picking up a beer can on the sidewalk. I then walked on to my school's campus where I then got suspended by my dean for "trying to rebel", grounded by my parents for getting suspended, and an MIP from the school's police guard. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mother told my boyfriend a cute story about me when I was little. The one where my cousin and I were caught pooping in a urinal in the church basement. FML

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By Anonymous

Jagged Little Pill

Today, my daughter wanted to show me the tooth she had just lost. As I was in a rush to leave for work, I quickly picked up and swallowed my pill that was on the kitchen table. It was only until I looked back down at the table did I see not only my pill, but one extremely angry daughter glaring at me. FML

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By KenzoBVB - Canada

Today, I went to the orthodontist, and found out when I was supposed to get my braces off. His exact words, "You'll get them off around Christmas... but we're not sure what year." FML

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By Bloody Nose - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I had the longest, bloodiest, bloody nose ever when I was at work. I got blood on a few materials as I was running to the restroom. I work in a food factory, so everything had to be sanitized and thrown out. Now management wants me to pay for everything we had to throw out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned the only job that actually wants me is as a peanut butter factory worker. I've been unemployed for 9 months. I'm also allergic to nuts. FML

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By LonelySanta - Australia

Today, I went home, where I live alone, from my dorm room at my university. The only Christmas cards I had received were addressed to the person that lived there before me. FML

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By jojolovesyou134

Today, as I have been the past week, I've was sent to fix my coworker's fuck-ups in his new area, and help him out as I know it. I then needed help in his old area, and got told to suck it up and figure it out. I've been doing this a year, he's been doing it for 5 years FML

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By shitday - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, a cyclone hit my city. Though everywhere else is flooding, my house is fine. Well, that was until the toilet decided to overflow and regurgitate the entire town's sewerage. So now my only bathroom is covered in sewage, and I can't go anywhere else because of the flooding. FML

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By coco1234 - 9/3/2020 12:35

Brain melt

Today, I stood there for 10 minutes trying to fix the toaster, until I called my brother to help me. I'd forgotten that it wasn't plugged in. He now thinks I'm a complete idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to walk home in the rain because my mom didn't want to get her new car wet. FML

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By Nish - United States - Kent

Today while at my job as a store clerk, I walked by a family. I smiled at their little boy, who responded by flipping me off. As I was walking away, I looked back in time to catch his dad give him a high-five. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2020 14:02 - United States

Thanks, I hate it!

Today, I asked my girlfriend to talk dirty to me while I was at work. She did so by telling me she has a yeast infection. FML

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By ThreeMoreYears - 3/3/2020 03:01

Jesus, take the wheel

Today, during my religion class, my instructor decided to use the state of the class's cars as a metaphor for our relationship with God. When I told him my car had been totalled in an accident last week, he yelled at me for being an "agent of Satan." One class down, 59 to go. FML

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By AgentOrion - United States - Bessemer

Today, I dreamed I was wrestling an alligator. I quickly woke up to my girlfriend yelling and me holding her in a headlock. FML

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By shirley - Spain

Today, I tried a new sugar scrub soap that's supposed to help get rid of cellulite. I didn't read the instructions correctly and now as well as still having the cellulite, my butt looks like I got a massage from an angry cat. FML

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By pistonchamp159 - United States

Today, my husband woke me up at 3 AM by putting whipped cream on my hand and tickling my nose with a feather. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I took my dog for a basic spay and dental cleaning procedure. When I picked her up from the vet, I was reading through the surgery papers before they sent me away. They'd pulled 29 abscessed teeth and didn’t feel the need to tell me. FML

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By TheNewSalesRep - Canada - Brantford

Today, on my second day at my new job, my supervisor told me that I was ready to make a sale on my own. Things were going well, until said supervisor interrupted my sales pitch, apologized on my behalf for being new, and stole my sale. FML

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By santashelper - United States

Today, I took my kids to the mall to see Santa. While waiting in line, my eldest got bored and loudly complained, "I don't know why we're here. Santa's not even real." I don't think any of the kids within a hundred feet took the news very well. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was at work at a nursing home I was attempting to dress a woman for bed. She popped me a left hook and I had to ask the nurse to look at my jaw. After my nurse said I was okay she asked me to continue getting the woman dressed for bed. She hit me 5 more times. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was texting my trainer to rearrange our training session. My girlfriend texted me during the exchange, asking what I wanted for Christmas. I accidentally texted my trainer, "All I want are your sweet titties in my face". I'm awaiting a response. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was drinking from a water bottle while in a lecture. The water caught in my throat and it felt like I was choking to death. Instead of asking me if I was okay or trying to help, the guy sitting next to me told me to shut up. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2020 17:23

Class act

Today, after 5 years, an engagement, and me being 5 months pregnant, my boyfriend downloaded Tinder again. 2020 is really great. FML

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By asdfjkl - United States

Today, my boss friend-requested me on Facebook. My profile picture is of me licking his employee of the month picture for a dare. FML

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Top comments

By NippsSlipps | 10

#4199953 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:00

Ugh I don't like people who call up about their religion.
Now change that call to a Hogwarts acceptance letter :)

By P_to_the_AM | 9

#4199956 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:00

You probably need Jesus, I can only imagine you swearing like a sailor when you fell! Hope you're okay though and that you got the job!

COMMENTS

By broski4life | 0

#4199925 - Thursday 22 March 2012 11:53

Sorry op I hope you get the job!

By NippsSlipps | 10

#4199953 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:00

Ugh I don't like people who call up about their religion.
Now change that call to a Hogwarts acceptance letter :)

By P_to_the_AM | 9

#4199956 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:00

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Katiekhalifa_fml | 28

#4199979 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:03

This comment reeks of ignorance...

Reply

KeyboardWarrior | 10

#4200011 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:11

How so?

Reply

dominic1221 | 6

#4200023 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:14

Her comment reeks of sarcasm. You really think a Dutch girl on a site like this is going to be a religious zealot for real?

By thisbitchlys | 0

#4199960 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:00

Aw op, if the Jesus people call again just answer it screaming.

By jjake20140 | 2

#4199962 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:01

Did you?

By williamcarter93 | 13

#4199963 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:01

This is why I dislike religion. You always have someone trying to push it somewhere. I would have sworn like a wild man.

Reply

NippsSlipps | 10

#4199966 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:02

Same here.

Reply

Epsilonyx | 15

#4200016 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:12

No one "pushed" it, they were asked if they'd like to be offered it.

By Mirorbo | 26

#4199974 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:02

I didn't even know they were allowed to to do that! As if telemarketers from phony credit cart companies weren't bad enough!

Reply

hayyyyleyyyybaby_fml | 14

#4199990 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:07

there's this lovely right we still have here in america, its called 'freedom of speech' you should google it ;)

Reply

dominic1221 | 6

#4200006 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:11

You can just tell #11 probably knows nothing at all about the Constitution and probably thinks freedom of speech is fucking absolute. You're the reason we all have a bad reputation, jackass.

Reply

Katiekhalifa_fml | 28

#4200021 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:13

11 claims to be a "Grammar Nazi", but has horrible grammar.

Reply

hayyyyleyyyybaby_fml | 14

#4200057 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:20

well you see, I actually just figured since they're allowed to hand out bibles outside of schools, it's quite obvious they can call you to ask you about your religion. Forgive me for depending on common sense, I forgot this generation seems to lack it.

By bertoelmexicano | 6

#4199993 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:08

It's her fault you're clumsy and can't climb the stairs properly?

Reply

brianjman14 | 22

#4200036 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:16

First off, it's a guy. And second, if you're running as fast as you can up the stairs, it's very possible to slam into something or trip on the stairs.

By TheDirectorFury | 2

#4200000 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:09

Goddamn Mormons.

By EyeCeYu | 7

#4200025 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:14

Hey, mabye Jesus could help with that shin? Just kidding with ya. Hopefully you get a job not involving stairs.