Work: Today, I was waiting for a call from a job I had applied for.... - FML

By Atheist - United States - Portland

Today, I was waiting for a call from a job I had applied for. When the phone rang, I ran as fast I could up the stairs, falling and slamming my shin on the way. The call? It was a woman asking me, "Hi, do you have time to learn about our lord Jesus Christ?" FML

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Slasher

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By jumbledgirl - United States

Today, my teacher started talking about me quietly to the stuffed cat, called Rufus, that she keeps on her desk. FML

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By happycow122 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I realized I'm pregnant by a man who won't even accept my Facebook friend request. FML

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By knowtoomuch - United States - Aurora

Today, I had to go with my mom to the gynecologist to translate due to her broken English. As we were filling out papers and answering questions, the doctor asked some very personal questions. I now know everything about my mom's sex life. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was watching the show "Sixteen and Pregnant". I started bawling when the girl's dirtbag boyfriend proposed to her with a $20 ring he bought from Walmart because I was so lonely and was jealous of her "romantic relationship". FML

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By Lissa - 13/1/2021 01:58

Start worrying

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend doesn’t have me as a pinned text message thread on his phone. But he definitely has his female best friend pinned. He even has a cute nickname for her. The girl he says, "Not to worry about." FML

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By FastFlight - United States

Today, my daughter used pledge to clean the wooden staircase. I found out when I tried to walk down them in socks. FML

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By Kiddo - United States - Jacksonville

Today, after months of patiently waiting, I finally got my roommates out of the house for the night so I could have sex with my boyfriend for the first time without being interrupted. He couldn't get it up. FML

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By cycler - United States

Today, I ran over a chipmunk. On my bike. Its mangled carcass got caught in the spokes and decided to join me on my ride. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a local Indian takeaway, since I'm from India originally, and none of my friends speak Hindi. I went up to the counter and placed my order in Hindi with the seemingly Indian owner. He gave me a weird look and said, "Huh? Speak English, ya rimjob." FML

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By Jojo

Today, after months of planning, my boyfriend told me he's changed his mind and doesn’t want to move with me to where I got a job. Why? He doesn’t want to live that far away from his mother. FML

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By Porkchop05 - Canada

Today, trying to be sexy I was sucking on my boyfriends fingers. I was really starting to turn him on, when I noticed something crunchy in my mouth. Turns out, he went digging for treasure up his nose earlier. I found the treasure in my mouth. FML

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By sarah - United States

Today, I went to the store to pick up some tampons. After waiting in line for about 10 minutes, the male cashier looked at me when I was leaving and said, "Have a nice... week!" FML

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By kill the audience - United States - Lewes

Today, I was sitting in the restaurant waiting for my blind date to come. I had sat for an hour until I finally got fed up and went to leave when at the same time the guy at the table next to me stood up to leave too. I noticed he had been sitting alone. Turns out he was my date. FML

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By savioyr

Today, my business partners of 5 years asked me right after our 5-hour audit with the tax department, "Oh, we have to pay tax?" FML

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By jazzterchic - United States - San Antonio

Today, I found out that my boyfriend's mom doesn't believe you can get food poisoning from food that is cooked. She gave us food that had sat out all day/night and then got angry when I said we could get sick. FML

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By Mark - United States - Knoxville

Today, I asked out a coworker I really like. She gave me a weird look and said, "You're not gay?" I said no, to which she said, "Well, I am". As it turns out, I was the only one who thought she was straight, and the only one who thought I was straight. FML

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By munchkin - France

Today, I ran into a car. I suffered a concussion and broke my nose. I wasn't driving. I walked right into it. It was parked. FML

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By OhDeary - United States

Today, our power went out due to some severe storms. My daughter, who is 18, asked me why the lights on the car still worked. FML

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By desigirl - United States - Johnson City

Today, my boyfriend told me I should stop talking about his major gambling problem because he still loves me even though I gained weight. Apparently that evens things out. FML

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By nolinguist - Austria

Today, I arrived in Austria. Within about an hour, I realized that I couldn't understand any "German". Turns out they have a totally different dialect here to anything I was taught in school. I'm here till May. FML

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By Downanout

Today, I found out I did so horrible during my interview that I didn’t even get a rejection email. FML

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By wowimdumb - United States

Today, I was at a power lifting meet when a girl I really liked walked in. Trying to impress her, I increased my bench to 350, when I have only done 300 before. She then watched me drop it on my chest, breaking my breast bone, and also crying in the process. FML

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By Anonymous Baker

Today, I got a write-up because I told my boss that it was impossible to have pies, which have a bake time of 1 hour, ready for a customer who wanted them in the next 15 to 20 minutes. Then, when the customer got there and the pies were still in the oven, I got a second write-up for wasting time. FML

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By krystal - United States

Today, it's the third day of my dad's revenge after he snapped over me supposedly using the word "duh" in every other sentence. He got his hands on my old recorder and has been playing it loudly and out of tune outside my room when I try to do my homework. My mom thinks this is hilarious. FML

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By Turnaround

Today, I confronted my boyfriend after I found him cheating on me with my best friend. It ended up with me apologising for spying on him. FML

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By Don't text and work - France

Today, at work I got told off by my manager for texting while working. Enraged by this, I trash talked her to the new girl at work. The new girl, a.k.a. my manager's daughter. FML

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By drinkdrankdrunk - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I woke up from a night of heavy drinking to find my girlfriend dumped me. Apparently I drunk-called her last night and told her that someone as beautiful as her could be with someone way better than me. She agreed. FML

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By useless bosses - Australia - Sydney

Today, the people who gave me no training or instruction on how to do my job tried to fire me, because asking for clarification apparently means I'm incompetent. FML

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By failfailfail - United Kingdom

Leave me alone !

Today, I had a big exam. Twenty minutes in I could feel people turning round looking at me. I ignored them at first, but towards the one hour mark it got more distracting. I stood up and yelled, "Why's everyone staring at me!" I got kicked out. Turns out I was seated directly in front of the clock. FML

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By lotd - United Kingdom - Henley On Thames

Today, as I sat down for my flight, I realised that the passenger I had to sit next to for the next seven hours was wearing a necklace made from tampon packaging. FML

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By itwaswarm - United States - Stony Brook

Today, I was peeing at a urinal, when the man next to me finished up and shook his penis. I got splashed. FML

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Today, I called 911 and got taken to hospital via ambulance after a suicide attempt. When I called my mom, the first thing she asked was, "How much is the ambulance going to cost?" FML

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By Madison43097 - United States

The Three Bears Conundrum

Today, I was cleaning out from underneath my bed and found a used condom. I've never had sex in my own room. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went into a music store to look into getting a new guitar. I picked up one that I was interested in and tried it out quietly. A sales representative approached me and asked me to "stop the noise and leave the guitars for serious customers." I've been playing for almost ten years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got mugged at Disney World, the happiest place on Earth. FML

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By Lonely - Australia

Today, I found out that despite having attended every university party held over the last two years, the only physical contact I have had with a member of the opposite sex is when the security guard stamps my hand. FML

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By bodhimae - France

Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML

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By Andrew - United Kingdom

Today, I tried to buy a bottle of wine from the supermarket. The scrawny, acne-ridden kid at the checkout asked to see my ID. I didn't have any on me, since I'm 37 years old and didn't expect to be asked stupid questions. I complained to his manager, only to be asked to leave. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé called and hung up right after I answered. He called back 5 minutes later demanding to know the name of the man who answered my phone. This "man" was me. I have bronchitis. Yes, he's aware of this. FML

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By cerulean

Today, a nurse berated me for not being able to lift my leg myself so she could put a cast on. My leg is broken in two places. FML

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Top comments

By NippsSlipps | 10

#4199953 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:00

Ugh I don't like people who call up about their religion.
Now change that call to a Hogwarts acceptance letter :)

By P_to_the_AM | 9

#4199956 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:00

You probably need Jesus, I can only imagine you swearing like a sailor when you fell! Hope you're okay though and that you got the job!

COMMENTS

By broski4life | 0

#4199925 - Thursday 22 March 2012 11:53

Sorry op I hope you get the job!

By NippsSlipps | 10

#4199953 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:00

Ugh I don't like people who call up about their religion.
Now change that call to a Hogwarts acceptance letter :)

By P_to_the_AM | 9

#4199956 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:00

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Katiekhalifa_fml | 28

#4199979 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:03

This comment reeks of ignorance...

Reply

KeyboardWarrior | 10

#4200011 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:11

How so?

Reply

dominic1221 | 6

#4200023 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:14

Her comment reeks of sarcasm. You really think a Dutch girl on a site like this is going to be a religious zealot for real?

By thisbitchlys | 0

#4199960 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:00

Aw op, if the Jesus people call again just answer it screaming.

By jjake20140 | 2

#4199962 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:01

Did you?

By williamcarter93 | 13

#4199963 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:01

This is why I dislike religion. You always have someone trying to push it somewhere. I would have sworn like a wild man.

Reply

NippsSlipps | 10

#4199966 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:02

Same here.

Reply

Epsilonyx | 15

#4200016 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:12

No one "pushed" it, they were asked if they'd like to be offered it.

By Mirorbo | 26

#4199974 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:02

I didn't even know they were allowed to to do that! As if telemarketers from phony credit cart companies weren't bad enough!

Reply

hayyyyleyyyybaby_fml | 14

#4199990 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:07

there's this lovely right we still have here in america, its called 'freedom of speech' you should google it ;)

Reply

dominic1221 | 6

#4200006 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:11

You can just tell #11 probably knows nothing at all about the Constitution and probably thinks freedom of speech is fucking absolute. You're the reason we all have a bad reputation, jackass.

Reply

Katiekhalifa_fml | 28

#4200021 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:13

11 claims to be a "Grammar Nazi", but has horrible grammar.

Reply

hayyyyleyyyybaby_fml | 14

#4200057 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:20

well you see, I actually just figured since they're allowed to hand out bibles outside of schools, it's quite obvious they can call you to ask you about your religion. Forgive me for depending on common sense, I forgot this generation seems to lack it.

By bertoelmexicano | 6

#4199993 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:08

It's her fault you're clumsy and can't climb the stairs properly?

Reply

brianjman14 | 22

#4200036 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:16

First off, it's a guy. And second, if you're running as fast as you can up the stairs, it's very possible to slam into something or trip on the stairs.

By TheDirectorFury | 2

#4200000 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:09

Goddamn Mormons.

By EyeCeYu | 7

#4200025 - Thursday 22 March 2012 12:14

Hey, mabye Jesus could help with that shin? Just kidding with ya. Hopefully you get a job not involving stairs.