Love: Today, the phone rang so I went to answer it. No one was there.... - FML

By skmusic - 09/04/2009 05:04 - Canada

Today, the phone rang so I went to answer it. No one was there. A minute later the phone rang again and no one answered so I assumed it was a telemarketer or a prank so I started swearing uncontrollably in rage. Turns out it was my crush calling to ask me out, but she was too nervous to ask. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 243

You deserved it 74 992

Hiding from the drama

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Better off out

By pistonsunshine - 10/10/2009 18:06 - United States

Today, I took a girl out I've been seeing for two months on our first real date. I had saved all my money for the week for this. I took her to a beautiful restaurant uptown. She got hammered, hit me and screamed that I would never be as good as "Marshall." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 722

You deserved it 3 322

Armed and not dangerous

By littledonny - 12/05/2017 18:00

Today, I went to school wearing the same jacket I had gone hiking in the previous day. When I found out that I had left my 2" pocket knife in the pocket I immediately turned it in to the front office. They promptly had me arrested for bringing a weapon on campus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 940

You deserved it 1 261

By Anonymous - 06/03/2010 17:13 - United States

Today, I learned it's not a good idea to answer your phone with "F*** off!" just because you're having a bad day. It could just be your pastor on the other end. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 550

You deserved it 49 750

By Blackberry - 10/07/2009 19:15 - Canada

Today, I paid $80 to change my cell number because my ex-girlfriend had been stalking me. To inform all of my friends of the change, I sent a mass text message to everyone in my phonebook. Including my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 739

You deserved it 82 987

By rinakitty94 - 29/06/2015 17:30 - United States - Sunset

Today, my fiancé heard I was having a rotten day at work. He stopped by the flower shop and bought me a lovely rose which I put right next to my work station. That is until a giant wasp flew out and stung me. I still have a swollen arm hours later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 132

You deserved it 2 219

By anon. - 17/01/2012 23:41 - United States

Today, I found out if I refuse my boyfriend anything in public, he will continually yell out, "Penis!" until he gets his way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 067

You deserved it 8 759

By jacey chreyest - 14/02/2014 21:57 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I married the love of my life. I was ecstatic until the wedding reception, where my new husband got drunk and started crying about how he'd been "forced" into marrying me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 616

You deserved it 4 988

By condiments - 22/02/2010 21:13 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my mother, when someone snuck a pack of condoms into our cart while our backs were turned. When we got to the register, my mom, whose wealth makes me ineligible for financial aid, noticed the condoms and she announced that she wasn't paying for the college I got accepted to next year because she doesn't want a promiscuous daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 035

You deserved it 3 037

Smash the Patriarchy!

By Anonymous - 18/10/2019 00:02

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that yes, girls do get armpit hair, we just have to shave it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 459

You deserved it 208

By sucks at sucking - 15/12/2012 00:27 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Spicy

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 723

You deserved it 9 176

By sad_panda - 26/06/2009 19:48 - United States

Today, I asked my mother if we could test me for OCD, since so many people have suggested to me that I might have it. She smiles at me and says, "No, honey, you're just really really weird." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 162

You deserved it 6 925

By Anonymous - 16/06/2012 19:03 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my sister asked me if I was going to be getting married "for real" this time, because she didn't want to waste her money like she did on my previous engagement. The reason that one didn't work out in the first place is because she slept with my fiancé. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 327

You deserved it 2 536

By WTF? - 03/10/2013 16:42 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I got kicked out of English class shortly after our teacher told us we have to write an essay on how the storyline of Harry Potter is one big allegory for "the futility of socialism." Apparently, reacting with disbelief makes me a "disruptive influence." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 846

You deserved it 3 953

By Amberain - 16/08/2012 15:16 - United Kingdom - Widnes

Today, I was enjoying a romantic cuddle on the couch with my boyfriend, when he suddenly decided to lift up my shirt, stick his face into my boobs, and go all Darth Vader on me. This included heavy breathing and phrases such as, "Amber... I am your boyfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 265

You deserved it 7 051

By UsuallyaUnicornbread - 26/11/2014 21:01 - United States - Morrisville

Today, I went to get myself a latte to make myself feel better after having a bad day. As soon as I sat down to enjoy it, I spilled it all over myself, another customer, and the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 491

You deserved it 3 298

By totalloss - 01/04/2012 16:15 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, I had to sit between my parents in the car as they argued with one another for a whole hour over whether or not a thumb is a finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 272

You deserved it 2 127

By violet - 29/11/2009 22:52 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed minding my own business when my mom entered the room. I was proposed to a few weeks ago by my boyfriend, and my mom came in to tell me that my boyfriend's mom was on the phone. Turns out, he stole the engagement ring from her drawer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 990

You deserved it 3 442

By zuut - 18/01/2009 05:22 - Australia

Today, I logged on to Facebook for the first time in nine days. No new notifications. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 198

You deserved it 9 295

By Earthling - 25/08/2016 02:20 - Colombia - Bogot?

Today, our art teacher told us we will have to build a giant Coca-Cola bottle made of smaller ones as our art project for next week, meant to represent the damage consumerism does to our environment. I think he doesn’t understand we will have to buy tons of Coke to get the bottles needed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 260

You deserved it 983

Sneaky Bitch

By RescuePups - 30/04/2018 09:00 - United States - Waterford

Today, my 8-week-old foster puppy pooped on my backpack as I was getting ready to go to work. In the 10 seconds it took to grab cleaning supplies, another foster dog ate my homemade breakfast sandwich off the counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 258

You deserved it 779

By Anonymous - 04/12/2010 06:50 - Singapore

Today, my son told his teacher that she "has a nice rack." He's four. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 885

You deserved it 11 701

By TheLostCauseFML - 25/10/2017 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about role-playing during sex when he suddenly said, "I'll be Trump. Let's make sex great again!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 861

You deserved it 961

By Thanks Babe - 20/04/2013 23:40 - United States - Aurora

Today, I woke up feeling awful, having caught the same illness my boyfriend had last night. When he was sick, I skipped my friend's baby shower to take care of him. Now that I'm sick, he goes to a friend's place, says to call if I need him, then turns his phone off. Seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 005

You deserved it 7 544

By onemoredonut - 03/05/2016 01:39 - United States - Herndon

Today, while directing traffic in uniform, I tripped over a traffic cone and fell straight on my butt in the middle of a busy intersection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 653

You deserved it 1 287

By LonelyAF - 12/08/2017 13:00

Today, I was so lonely I called my stalker ex-boyfriend. He was too busy to talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 377

You deserved it 4 246

By disney_dick - 08/01/2018 00:00 - United States - Mims

Today, my boyfriend asked me to try humming during a blow job. He seemed to like it at first, but apparently "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan wasn't a good choice. He still isn't speaking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 862

You deserved it 1 969

By Murphy’s Christmas - 13/12/2018 13:30

Today my husband blew a tire in a hidden pothole on the way to work. I picked him up in my car later that day, only to hit an entirely different pothole, bending my rim and catapulting my hubcap into the woods. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 575

You deserved it 173

By Anonymous - 26/03/2013 14:22 - United States - Audubon

Today, my cat learned the hard way what the bathtub is for. While I was in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 864

You deserved it 3 965

Have a Coke and smile

By Cokerella - 14/08/2021 09:01 - United States - Pomona

Today, at a work function, I noticed that my boss and my girlfriend kept leaving the room at the same time. Fearing the worst, I waited outside in the hallway. As soon as they went into the bathroom, I pushed my way in. Sex? Nope. They were doing lines of coke off the bathroom counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 105

You deserved it 93

Playing the long game

By Anonymous - 24/04/2021 11:01 - Canada - Stoney Creek

Today, after 9 years of loveless marriage, my wife confided in me that she was always an introvert and depressed person, but pretended to be outgoing and fun loving with me up until our marriage, so she could marry me just to lift herself up from low class to high class society. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 208

You deserved it 109

By BCBUDDY - 07/05/2011 15:29 - United States

Today, while I was trying to explain to my friend how smoking weed everyday doesn't make you stupid, I forgot what I was talking about mid-sentence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 405

You deserved it 91 680

By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 05:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, my brother asked if he could borrow my razor, since he recently hit puberty and wanted to have a shave. I decided to be nice and let him. When he returned it half an hour later, I couldn't help but notice his facial hair was untouched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 714

You deserved it 8 249

By Anonymous - 23/06/2013 10:38 - United States - Fountain Valley

Spicy

Today, I decided to go buy myself a dildo to use on my lonely nights. Once at the adult store, I also grabbed a birthday card to make it seem the dildo wasn't for me. At the register, the cashier looked at me and said, "For God's sake, save yourself some money. I already know it's for you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 437

You deserved it 25 384

By Lara - 08/01/2016 11:28 - Germany - Bremen

Today, I went to the doctor's because I could feel something solid in my breasts, and I wanted to get it checked, just to be safe. Turns out it was my ribs. Oops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 344

You deserved it 8 314

By mypelvishurts - 23/02/2013 07:32 - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, my boss told me to go outside and take part in the company's stupid Harlem Shake video. When I declined, he threatened to fire me if I didn't take part. I ended up being the guy who had to furiously pelvic thrust before the music dropped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 098

You deserved it 6 610

By IRum - 11/08/2011 08:45 - Russian Federation

Today, my three year old sister asked me to go to the amusement park with her. Since I was late for work, I politely refused and said we'd go tomorrow. She punched me in the nuts so hard that I could barely walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 043

You deserved it 5 454

By Diogo Filipe de Almeida - 29/07/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, I was jerking off at 2am when a giant, thumb-sized cockroach came flying across my room, prompting me to scream pretty loudly. My mom then came into my room worried, only to find me naked on top of the couch, screaming like a little girl. I still had an erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 008

You deserved it 2 772

By gonesofast - 09/10/2014 17:53 - United States - Quincy

Today, as I was about to leave home for my first sweet taste of freedom at my new apartment, my car died. I'm stuck here for at least the weekend and can look forward to my mom driving me to work. Freedom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 136

You deserved it 2 895

By Anonymous - 13/11/2011 08:40 - Canada

Today, I got home late to find my dad outside mowing the lawn in the dark. I told him the neighbors were going to think he lost his marbles for mowing it at that time. He then informed me he wasn't mowing it, he was vacuuming it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 859

You deserved it 2 483

Red Right Hand

By Hollerz90 - 02/04/2020 23:00

Spicy

Today, I came home to find my dad in my room, watching porn on my computer. When I asked him what he was doing, he closed the computer, stood up, stared at me awkwardly and then said, "You should really avoid those sites" and left my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 036

You deserved it 182

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Top comments

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Thursday 9 April 2009 16:09

YDI. Way to lose your temper after 2 calls.

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Thursday 9 April 2009 16:06

Ever heard of call screening? To #1, you knew it's annoying, yet you did it anyway? We can SEE the #1, there's no need to say it.

Comments

cherrybollosm04 0

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Thursday 9 April 2009 16:06

aaaaaaaaaw thats why you dont judge edit: first.. and i know people hate this, but once you finally can do it. its nice.

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Friday 31 December 2010 3:39

Judge what?

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Saturday 14 January 2012 17:12

Umm did you have balls to ask a girl out instead of the other way

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Saturday 7 April 2012 15:35

What is there to judge...? The phone!?

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Thursday 9 April 2009 16:06

Ever heard of call screening? To #1, you knew it's annoying, yet you did it anyway? We can SEE the #1, there's no need to say it.

Slim_Shadyy_fml 0

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Saturday 14 August 2010 6:08

sometimes phones don't have caller ID's smart one.

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Wednesday 11 April 2012 3:33

Hello eminem

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Thursday 9 April 2009 16:08

Even if you don't have caller ID, after a second or two the telemarketer usually starts talking If that didn't happen then obviously it was someone else...?

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Thursday 9 April 2009 16:09

YDI. Way to lose your temper after 2 calls.

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Thursday 8 July 2010 21:20

exactly. try anger management

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Saturday 3 October 2015 18:57

What if he was having a bad day? simple minded people annoy me..

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Thursday 9 April 2009 16:12

Well now you know it was your crush, so how about you ask them out? At least now you know they like you. Just tell them the truth and what happened. Oh, lol, I would also scream after 2 calls. I don't blame you. But yea, I say FYL.

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Thursday 9 April 2009 16:12

OH WOW, the ad for thats come up on the side of my screen is "WACKY PRANK CALLS want to prank call someone right now?" Good Job google ads.

_krystallynn_ 11

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Monday 31 December 2012 9:37

mines a state farm ad.

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Thursday 9 April 2009 16:13

and swearing would accomplish what? telemarketers are doing their jobs and if you yell at a pranker they just keep doing it

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Thursday 9 April 2009 16:13

aw poor girl :( explain to her... maybe she'll understand? i'd be a bit freaked out though.

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Thursday 9 April 2009 16:14

have some hate/revenge sex. that will make it all better

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Saturday 19 June 2010 5:08

WIN

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Thursday 9 April 2009 16:15

YDI... for one their phone could be fubared. Best is to say, "I can't hear you please call back" then hang up. If they keep calling forever grab the number. Call them back and say "I'd like to talk but I can't hear you or speak up." Don't judge because it made you look like an ass.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 034

You deserved it 135

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 242

You deserved it 303