Today, the phone rang so I went to answer it. No one was there.... - FML

By skmusic - 9/4/2009 05:04 - Canada

Today, the phone rang so I went to answer it. No one was there. A minute later the phone rang again and no one answered so I assumed it was a telemarketer or a prank so I started swearing uncontrollably in rage. Turns out it was my crush calling to ask me out, but she was too nervous to ask. FML

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Breaking Badly

Fake News

Non-baby fever

By Anonymous - 27/2/2010 03:14 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My best friend decided to have a birthday party for me at this new bar. She texted the wrong address to all of my friends. They showed up at a computer store. FML

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By uncomfortable - 12/3/2009 00:20 - Canada

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents. It got to an intense sex scene. I felt grateful when I saw his father reaching for the remote to fastforward past the scene. He put it into slowmotion. We watched in silence for about 3 minutes before he managed to fix it. FML

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By Katie - 9/3/2012 06:48 - United Kingdom

Today, while on trial for a desperately needed new job, I tripped crossing a road with my would-be manager. I twisted my ankle, and he had to carry me across the road and call a taxi for me to go home. FML

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By goodbyepromotion - 30/8/2013 06:28 - United States - Dayton

Today, I addressed my district manager as "Dude." FML

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By Bullocks - 27/4/2012 05:49 - United States - Rochester

Today, while I was at work in a machine shop, I cut myself really bad. Not by any sharp tools, drills, or metals I work with. Just the soap dispenser. FML

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By Scaredshitless - 3/2/2010 13:48 - France

Today, after waiting to get home to go to the bathroom, my six year old neighbor popped out and literally scared the shit out of me. FML

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By AnnaMarie. - 28/2/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, I was standing in the parking lot with my sister, after my aunt's funeral, when my grandma walks up and says to my sister, "You're the one going places in life, I'm proud to have you as a grand daughter." She then looked at me, and walked away. FML

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By ivyleaguebabe - 3/6/2009 21:48 - United States

Today, my sister asked me to help her set up for my niece's birthday party. Being the lazy person that I am, I got my niece to blow up the non-helium balloons. Apparently she's allergic to latex and I'll be the one paying for the hospital bill. FML

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By DabTheFuckOut - 16/9/2016 19:35 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I finally said yes to a date with a guy. I was hesistant due to him being quite a bit younger than me. On our date, he dabbed 27 times. Yes, I actually kept count. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2013 08:02 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I woke up to find that my parents had replaced my regular alarm clock with a walking one that requires you to get up and find it. The alarm was set to 5:00AM, which would have been fine if it wasn't the weekend. FML

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By stuckinalift - 18/2/2011 01:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I got stuck in a small elevator. It started to violently judder up and down after I pressed the 'Help' buzzer. The man on the intercom wouldn't stop laughing at how my voice was jumpy from the juddering movements before he called for help. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2012 23:39 - United States - Salem

Experimentation

Today, I walked in on my brother sticking his erect penis through a donut. I doubt I'll ever be able to unsee this. FML

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By LostSoul - 21/7/2019 12:10

Today, I arrived at the doctor's to schedule surgery to find out my insurance got canceled again. I only just got it reinstated after the last time they screwed up and canceled it. It took me 6 months to get it fixed. FML

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By balls - 2/10/2015 05:49 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, the only reason I took a shower was because I could smell my dick sweat while still wearing underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2016 03:01 - United States - Fremont

Today, I left my daughter with a babysitter for the first time. When I came home, my microwave was ruined because they had attempted to heat cans of Play-Doh as a science experiment. FML

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By EpicFailTime - 22/2/2011 02:21

Today, a neighbor called the cops on me and my friends because we were "starting a fire" in the backyard. We were using a barbecue. FML

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By Bones - 24/10/2017 22:00

Today, on my way to work, I realized that I took my Viagra instead of my blood pressure medication. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2015 07:00 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, at the swimming pool, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up on my 5-year-old daughter underwater and surprise her. I grabbed her by the sides, and she shrieked. A moment later, a brown cloud erupted from her swimsuit. Cue screaming and a mass panic from the other kids. FML

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By onemoredonut - 3/5/2016 01:39 - United States - Herndon

Today, while directing traffic in uniform, I tripped over a traffic cone and fell straight on my butt in the middle of a busy intersection. FML

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By Username - 19/2/2011 07:57 - China

Today, while at a party, a cute topless woman sat next to me to flirt with the guy on the other end of the couch. This is the closest I've been to a pair of boobs in 3 years. FML

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By heckinfrick - 8/10/2020 08:01

What a headache

Today, it was the day of the doctor's appointment that I've been waiting for for eight months. I woke up with a fever and had to reschedule. The next appointment is next year. Guess I have to put up with my daily migraines until 2021. FML

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By forever alone - 30/8/2016 13:55 - Trinidad and Tobago - San Fernando

Today, I had a terrible dream where my aunt paid a stripper to have sex with me, since I'm 27 and haven't even kissed a guy yet. I ended up taking the dream-stripper to the mall for snacks instead. Even my dreams are mocking me. FML

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By notinflammable - 27/6/2009 04:41 - United States

Today, my friend told me that semen was inflammable. Later at night I jacked off into a sock and then, excitedly, tried to lit the sock on fire. Turns out, semen is very much not inflammable. Naked, I shook my sock in the air so it would extinguish while my semen splashed out all over my room. FML

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By ThisGuy775 - 19/9/2011 04:41 - United States

Today, my dad asked to borrow some money off me, so I said okay. Later on, he told me he'll be using it to help divorce my mom. I pretty much just helped pay for my parents' divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2012 14:17 - Canada

Today, there was a big snow storm and I wanted to help shovel, so I put on 3 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of pants, 2 winter coats, 2 pairs of gloves, a hat and a scarf. Once outside, I was told to go back inside because the job was done. FML

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By Username - 8/10/2010 10:53 - France

Today, I was making my bed which would normally be a simple task, until I leaned into the wooden foot of my bed, and put my entire body weight on my left nut. FML

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By badparent - 8/4/2013 04:26 - Australia - Southport

Today, my 16-year-old son convinced my 14-year-old daughter that she wasn't allowed to use the ladies bathroom at the shopping centre, because she wasn't wearing a dress like the girl on the sign. He told her girls in pants always used the other one. She believed him. This is my legacy. FML

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By Username - 12/3/2011 05:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend said he wanted to try something new. By something new, it was to put flour in my butt and see what would happen if I farted. FML

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By ugh Buck! - 11/9/2013 16:57 - United States

Today, I was watching a movie on TV. One of the characters has the same name as my dog, and when his name was called, my dog got so excited that he jumped face-first into my TV. FML

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By seriouslywtf - 28/4/2009 03:06 - United States

Today, my daughter walked in on me taking a shower. She said, "Hey, yours is the same size as Dylan's!" My daughter has seen Dylan's penis, which apparently is the same size as mine. My daughter and Dylan are 7. FML

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By frustrated - 13/1/2013 06:39 - United States - Miami

Today, while reading an erotic story I was more excited that the author used a conjunctive adverb than the sexual content in the story. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2020 17:00

The View

Today, my boyfriend refuses to do doggy style anymore because I, and I quote, "have a weird looking butthole, it’s not dirty or anything, it’s just the strangest butthole I’ve ever seen, it’s really distracting." So now, I’m not only self conscious about my small boobs, but my ugly asshole too. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2016 14:03 - United States

Today, because of the gas crisis in my state, we had to stop taking delivers at the pizza place I work at. Someone asked if we could walk it to them. My manager agreed. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2014 17:37 - Germany - Naurath

Today, I found out what a lightweight my girlfriend is. After having a couple of drinks, she began flirting, then grabbed my ass. She felt around a bit before freaking out and asking where my penis was. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2015 15:08 - United States - Venus

Today, my boss let me sit in on a board meeting. It was awesome until the guy next to me let out a vile fart, then looked at me in disgust, causing the others to look at me in disgust too. When I told my boss what really happened, he told me to grow up and stop blaming the other guy. FML

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By C2 - 17/1/2009 23:17 - Australia

Today, at a party, I watched the guy I've liked for AGES come out of a bedroom with one of my gay male friends. They were in there for a while. FML

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By Sod's Law in action - 17/3/2018 01:30

Today, I turned up to my job interview ready for any question, with impeccable references and previous work experience. Then I saw that one of my interviewers was the lady I accidentally hit with my bicycle last week. She still has stitches in her cheek. No job for me. FML

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By higagram - 10/9/2010 03:15 - United States

Today, I bumped into a lady in the New Jersey airport. After I politely apologized she said, "Watch your step, asshole." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2019 02:00 - Brazil

Today, I was riding my bike down a hill and noticed a pretty girl sitting at the bus stop. I guess I was staring pretty hard, because the next thing I knew, I was swerving off the road and smashing into a tree. She laughed at me. FML

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By CDeVeney92 - 17/3/2012 04:37 - United States

Today, I got threatened with a gun through the drive thru speaker because I didn't offer some guy any pies to go with his meal. FML

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Top comments

By clipse | 0

#95972 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:09

YDI. Way to lose your temper after 2 calls.

By arienh4 | 0

#95959 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:06

Ever heard of call screening?

To #1, you knew it's annoying, yet you did it anyway?
We can SEE the #1, there's no need to say it.

COMMENTS

By cherrybollosm04 | 0

#95957 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:06

aaaaaaaaaw
thats why you dont judge

edit: first..
and i know people hate this, but once you finally can do it. its nice.

Reply

ferrettamer | 6

#1911255 - Friday 31 December 2011 3:39

Judge what?

Reply

neal001 | 0

#3883307 - Saturday 14 January 2012 17:12

Umm did you have balls to ask a girl out instead of the other way

Reply

Luunatic | 13

#4271593 - Saturday 7 April 2012 15:35

What is there to judge...? The phone!?

By arienh4 | 0

#95959 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:06

Ever heard of call screening?

To #1, you knew it's annoying, yet you did it anyway?
We can SEE the #1, there's no need to say it.

Reply

Slim_Shadyy_fml | 0

#1239394 - Saturday 14 August 2010 6:08

sometimes phones don't have caller ID's smart one.

Reply

p2p_92 | 0

#4287509 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 3:33

Hello eminem

By lillaurie89 | 2

#95967 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:08

Even if you don't have caller ID, after a second or two the telemarketer usually starts talking
If that didn't happen then obviously it was someone else...?

By clipse | 0

#95972 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:09

YDI. Way to lose your temper after 2 calls.

Reply

oarisimo | 4

#1074588 - Thursday 8 July 2010 21:20

exactly. try anger management

Reply

KillerCheez | 2

#6426082 - Saturday 3 October 2015 18:57

What if he was having a bad day? simple minded people annoy me..

By Sens_fan9 | 0

#95983 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:12

Well now you know it was your crush, so how about you ask them out? At least now you know they like you. Just tell them the truth and what happened.

Oh, lol, I would also scream after 2 calls. I don't blame you. But yea, I say FYL.

By amelinat | 0

#95986 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:12

OH WOW,

the ad for thats come up on the side of my screen is "WACKY PRANK CALLS want to prank call someone right now?"

Good Job google ads.

Reply

_krystallynn_ | 11

#5298911 - Monday 31 December 2013 9:37

mines a state farm ad.

By red_wings | 0

#95987 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:13

and swearing would accomplish what?
telemarketers are doing their jobs
and if you yell at a pranker they just keep doing it

By woahcomments | 0

#95989 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:13

aw poor girl :(
explain to her... maybe she'll understand?
i'd be a bit freaked out though.

By greenman_fml | 0

#95991 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:14

have some hate/revenge sex. that will make it all better

Reply

imortal20 | 0

#1035608 - Saturday 19 June 2010 5:08

WIN

By nomadxx7 | 0

#95994 - Thursday 9 April 2009 16:15

YDI... for one their phone could be fubared. Best is to say, "I can't hear you please call back" then hang up. If they keep calling forever grab the number. Call them back and say "I'd like to talk but I can't hear you or speak up." Don't judge because it made you look like an ass.