Love: Today, my boyfriend proudly showed me that he's put me in his... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend proudly showed me that he's put me in his favourites contact list on his phone with a heart image. Cute, but I saw another contact on the list with a heart image as well: his favourite take out restaurant. FML

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BO Central

Pull your shit together, Bezos

Child's play

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my drunk sister threw up on me while I was sleeping. FML

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By johnfrank - United States

Today, I was on a blind date with a girl my friend set me up with. We went to a fancy restaurant and she ordered the shrimp. I told her, "I'm allergic to shrimp, so you shouldn't order it in case I want to kiss you later." She looked at the waiter and said, "I'll have the shrimp." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to let me know that she almost left me for another guy not so long ago, because he was more handsome and talented than me. The reason she didn't leave: "He's out of my league; you're not." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I learnt there's a woman who comes into my store only to hear my Barry White-like voice. My boss knows who it is, yet refuses to tell me because it's "hilarious." I'm now cautious of every customer. FML

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By Jeremy - 20/12/2020 23:00

Christmas is treacherous

Today, I decided to take my girlfriend out to look at Christmas lights and get hot chocolate. While cleaning my snow-covered truck, I slipped and broke three bones in my ankle, and now need surgery. FML

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By Cristie - Canada

Today, as I was training a new guy at work, my husband spent half the day creeping outside in his truck. FML

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By adrenochrome - Lithuania

Today, I learnt that nail polish remover is, in fact, VERY flammable. And I learnt it the hard way. FML

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By girly girly - United States - Keller

Today, at work, my friend dared me to answer the next call on my phone by saying, "This is your local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it." I did it. The person on the phone was my boss. FML

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By best_friend - United States

Today, I went to my friend's house because his family was having a move away party for him. Everything was going good until his dad decided to give a toast. Including an anecdote about how he walked in on us watching porn together. FML

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By jennabean - United States

Today, I was in the car for 8 hours driving home from North Carolina with my family. We brought my dog along and I was petting her for most of the ride. I thought she fell asleep, so I continued to play with her. She never woke up. I played with a dead dog for almost an hour and a half. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to play my friends the demo CD that I've spent all summer recording. I didn't tell them it was me. Not even 10 seconds into the first song, my best friend asked me to turn it off because it sucked. FML

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By B-Rizzle - United States

Today, my grandparents thought it would be acceptable to give me and my wife Christmas presents to take to my ex-wife, along with a card saying how much they missed her and to get in touch with them next time she is in town. FML

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By MickyIsEVIL - Japan - Nagoya

Today, I was yelled at while I was shopping by some lady, because she saw my tattoo on my arm. She screamed that I'm the "spawn of Satan" and told me I'm going to hell. It's a fake tattoo of Mickey mouse. FML

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By AlwaysAwkward - United States - Strongsville

Today, I got my first massage. At the end, the masseuse made a gesture indicating which way the exit was. After having had her hands all over my body for the past hour, I thought the gesture was indicative of a goodbye hug. Things got awkward really fast. FML

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By no more flips - United States - Columbus

Today, I decided to impress my friends by doing a flip on the trampoline. What did impress them, was my lack of tears after I hit the edge of the trampoline and broke my nose. FML

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By Jarryd - Australia

Today, I was making out with a girl who I've had a crush on for a while now. It was all going fine until one of my teeth decided to dislodge itself. She promptly spat out the tooth and left. FML

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By Cuntface McGee - Romania - Dej

Today, I was chilling out with my friend in a parking lot, when a police officer came up to the vehicle and suspiciously asked what we were up to. My friend sarcastically said, "Uh, doing drugs? Planning a drive-by? Haha!" We soon found ourselves in the back of a cop car. FML

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By umm... - 30/3/2020 23:00 - Australia - Canberra

It's a witch!

Today, I caught my boyfriend in the bathtub interrogating his penis and "drowning" it when it wouldn't answer him. FML

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By anon - United States - San Francisco

Today, the only conversation I had with my mother where she didn't explode into a hissy fit was about peanut butter vs. almond butter. And even then she was starting to get mad at me. FML

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By brokeandalone - United States

Today, I noticed fraudulent charges made in Florida that nearly drained my bank account. After reporting the fraud to the bank, I returned home from a weekend away to find a note from my husband. He and his mistress have run off to Florida to start a life together, apparently at my expense. FML

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By A bit cowardly?

Today, my boyfriend of two years asked his friend to propose to me for him, because he was too nervous to do it himself. FML

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By olive_costume - Australia

Today, I went into my room and found a plastic snake on the floor. I yelled out to my sister, "Good one, Ellen!" I picked up the snake to take it to show her. The snake started moving in my hands and bit me. I had to go to the hospital. FML

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By go choke on a gonad - United States - Dayton

Today, my fiancé asked for money to bail his brother out of jail, the same brother who happily spent a whole day recently trying to convince my fiancé that I've been cheating on him with my own cousin. So I said no. He shook his head in disgust and said that I'm "unbelievably spiteful". FML

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By walker - United States

Today, I went over my girlfriend of 3 months' house for the first time. As we walked through the door, I was greeted by a little girl whose first words to me were, "Are you my daddy?" FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2021 03:30

Melted

Today, I found one of my boyfriend's earbuds in the dryer. He's gonna be pissed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while on vacation, I called my home phone to check the messages. Someone answered. FML

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By eebie jeebies - United States - Cypress

Today, a spider crawled across my arm. After a quick dance in a fit of panic, I managed to scramble onto my bed. I thought I would stand up to see if I could spot the spider and maybe kill it. I was then promptly knocked unconscious by my ceiling fan. FML

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By hairynips - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to lie to my boyfriend and tell him that the red bumps around my nipples was heat rash, rather than admit it was actually razor burn. FML

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By thatsnice - United States - Warwick

Today, I confessed to my roommate of 4 years that I'm in love with her. Her response? Sticking her tongue out at me and blowing a raspberry. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, the guy I live with demanded that I get a job or start paying rent. It'd be perfectly reasonable, if he wasn't my husband, and if I hadn't just given birth to our first child. FML

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By UnhappyLips

Today, the lip balms I ordered online finally arrived in the mail. After trying one out, my lips had an allergic reaction. It's a 4-pack. FML

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By Reggie

Today, my mom won the lottery. My biological mom who I only met last year, after 33 years of not knowing who she was. She is sharing her millions with her kids, but that doesn't include me as I "don't count". FML

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By RhiannonMuh - Germany - Starnberg

Today, I was on a date with a guy I really like. Everything went well, and then he wanted to kiss me. As he leaned towards me, I got slightly panicky and ducked out of the way, causing him to headbutt the car behind me. Now we know why I'm still a virgin. FML

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By soontobesingle - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out that my gorgeous, smart, perfect new boyfriend has an unusual fetish. It doesn't involve me at all actually. Just a Labrador. This is probably a deal breaker. FML

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By Sassers - United States

Today, I heard a loud crashing noise. I ran into the kitchen to see what it was. My cat had knocked over my fish bowl and had my Beta in her mouth. After scolding her and rescuing it, I decided to clean its bowl. When I went to dump some of the water in the sink, my fish went down the drain. FML

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By LogicalMolly - United States

Today, it's the last day of finals week. Unfortunately the only test I've passed this week is the pregnancy test I took during my lunch break in a Subway bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, like many other days, I fell asleep in math class. Unlike other days, however, I woke up with a start while ripping a really loud fart in my sleep. The whole class heard it because it was during a lecture. Even the teacher was laughing at me and I had to walk, no, run out of the room. FML

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By sofakingweetodit - United States

Today, in preparation for a presentation at work, I decided to take a handful of vitamins to fight my cold. As I was putting the bottles away, I noticed one of them was a laxative. FML

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By miss tomato - United States

Today, I was really badly sunburnt, so I put on some after-sun. The only type we have has glitter in it, and now I look like a sparkling tomato. FML

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By Mommy - United States

Today, my daughter watched a potty training video on Sesame Street. In the middle of the video, she got up and ran to her potty to practice. She then announced, "All done!", and proudly closed the lid to her potty. She then immediately stood on top of it and peed. FML

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Top comments

By Leeono | 26

#7695187 - Tuesday 18 September 2018 11:05

Both numbers are for eating out. Sounds fair.

By Emma Marshall | 19

#7695143 - Tuesday 18 September 2018 8:12

At least it wasn't another woman 🤷🏽‍♀️

COMMENTS

By Emma Marshall | 19

#7695143 - Tuesday 18 September 2018 8:12

At least it wasn't another woman 🤷🏽‍♀️

Reply

real life problems | 26

#7698117 - Sunday 23 September 2018 21:01

Unless it was Wendy's

By Leeono | 26

#7695187 - Tuesday 18 September 2018 11:05

Both numbers are for eating out. Sounds fair.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7695603 - Wednesday 19 September 2018 4:36

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Which means he thinks you both taste good.

By jb | 2

#7697942 - Sunday 23 September 2018 14:05

All I’m saying is, double check that the phone number under that contact is actually a restaurant...

By melisssa87 | 30

#7697947 - Sunday 23 September 2018 14:16

You are close to his heart then, if he shares food with you then it means he loves you

By Benopero | 8

#7697962 - Sunday 23 September 2018 14:53

Guess you aren’t the only thing he loves eating out.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7697964 - Sunday 23 September 2018 15:00

This is actually kind of cute to me. At least the other favorite contact is simply for food.

By Lalala579121 | 27

#7697979 - Sunday 23 September 2018 15:30

This is more an FML for the restaurant. You should be happy that your boyfriend loves you as much as he loves them.

By lexos | 16

#7698005 - Sunday 23 September 2018 17:00

Grow up

By RichardPencil | 29

#7698020 - Sunday 23 September 2018 17:23

You might want to call that number and verify it’s a restaurant. Sounds like a clever code for a side piece or a holler-back girl.