Animals: Today, I was visiting my childhood home, and I checked out my... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 272

You deserved it 37

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 497

You deserved it 135

18/06/2013 18:00

Today, I was visiting my childhood home, and I checked out my old treehouse. A family of skunks had made it their home, and I was promptly sprayed upon entering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 314

You deserved it 7 053

Good kid

Sorry…

This Charming Man

19/04/2014 01:19

Today, I accidentally let a huge one rip while tending to an older patient at the nursing home where I work. The patient passed away shortly thereafter. Coincidence? FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 514

You deserved it 7 429

Overreaching

By Anonymous - 11/05/2021 00:01

Today, I was told I can’t wear a nose ring at my new job because several customers "don’t like it." It’s a very small nose ring and the job is a shack that serves food through a window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 711

You deserved it 326

12/07/2012 06:40

Spicy

Today, an old guy approached me and asked if I had ever seen an elephant with white ears. I shook my head. He then pulled the pockets out of his shorts and whipped out his sex nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 229

You deserved it 4 686

27/07/2012 09:25

Today, while working as a manager at a restaurant, the "All employees must wash hands" sign in the bathroom was stolen. Now my employees won't wash their hands because they "don't have to." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 045

You deserved it 2 582

13/10/2018 06:30

Today, I woke up for the first time In 5 days with relief from a debilitating migraine, only to have my arm and shoulder completely numb and a sharp pain running from my neck to my elbow. I have a pinched nerve and dislocated disk in my neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 227

You deserved it 125

History

By catfish - 23/02/2009 22:11

Today, after class I was chatting with my teacher, a really cool and stylish old black guy. I tell him he reminds me of one of those soul dudes from those '70s movies, right down to the pimp-walk. He tells me he walks that way because he was beaten for drinking out of the wrong fountain as a kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 309

You deserved it 52 052

It wasn't me

By not mine! - 16/06/2020 05:07

Today, I had to make the heartbreaking decision to break up with my boyfriend and kick him out after his second relapse. A few hours later, I had police banging down my door. To get back at me, my now ex had called the cops and anonymously reported all the drugs he’d hidden around my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 217

You deserved it 187

22/11/2014 15:34

Today, I had to babysit both my neighbor's 3-year-old daughter and my very pregnant cat. I left the room briefly, only to come back to a traumatized 3-year-old crying in horror as my cat gave birth in front of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 479

You deserved it 4 480

05/02/2013 00:42

Today, my co-worker told me that I need to quit smoking because it was making me look and smell horrible. I've never smoked in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 632

You deserved it 3 915

13/08/2009 23:14

Today, I went to the eye doctor. He tells me that I've developed a severe allergy to contact lenses and must stop wearing them immediately. It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't just visited him a week earlier, paid for a new prescription and ordered a year's worth of brand new lenses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 597

You deserved it 3 986

23/10/2010 06:22

Today, I found my pet hamster that escaped yesterday, wet and soggy, next to my pet dog. My dog chewed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 004

You deserved it 3 904

Packed in

By BackHurts - 16/07/2021 00:01

Today, I paid $140 extra to get more comfort during a flight. The man behind me was so tall that his legs didn't let me recline the seat, and complained every time I tried to during the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 717

You deserved it 193

So, here's the thing…

By MIG2204 - 15/04/2019 20:00

Today, my school told us that we all need to be checked and treated for threadworms. So now I need to go tell my girlfriend that she needs to be checked and treated for threadworms. We have been dating for little over a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 973

You deserved it 182

20/04/2017 21:00

Today, I found out that when I drink alcohol, I snore so bad my boyfriend contemplated suffocating me with a pillow to get some sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 030

You deserved it 770

01/10/2013 19:41

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend called me a selfish bitch and dumped me after I told him I'm planning on getting much-needed breast reduction surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 433

You deserved it 15 339

04/05/2009 00:36

Today, I was at the gym and I saw a really cute guy working out nearby. I tried to get his attention by taking off my shirt and smiling at him. When he walked over to me, instead of asking for my number, he just said "Can you please put that back on? Thanks". FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 964

You deserved it 57 616

27/10/2010 21:58

Today, after discussing the side-effects of an insomnia aid, my doctor said that making a choice was naturally a difficult one, and that he would only prescribe it to me once I'd had "a good, long sleep on it". He then laughed out loud and called in the next patient. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 177

You deserved it 2 820

09/09/2009 20:16

Today, we went to the mall and my husband picked me out some perfume. When I asked him why he liked that particular one he responded with, "that's what's the stripper at my bachelor party was wearing." He was completely serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 669

You deserved it 4 199

29/01/2016 12:51

Today, I received yet another letter from a relative bitching me out for not involving my parents in my wedding. The parents who showed no interest in our relationship and then yelled at my fiancé and me when we announced it to them, calling us stupid, naive, heathens, and mentally ill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 966

You deserved it 1 724

22/02/2010 01:31

Today, I was walking with a friend after buying two cups of steaming hot coffee. While crossing the busiest street in town I tripped and fell, spilling the coffee all over me. My friend didn't notice I fell right in front of her and tripped over me spilling her coffee on me as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 395

You deserved it 2 800

20/01/2013 13:13

Today, I was discussing with my husband how it was time I stopped taking birth control so we could have a baby. He looked at me and said sincerely, "We're a little young to be having kids, don't you think?". He's 35 and I'm 32. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 666

You deserved it 5 185

11/05/2013 21:58

Today, my grandpa moved into the house to live with my family. Along with having to share a room with him, he swears that having the AC on will give him pneumonia, and he keeps saying he's "freezing" when the temperature inside gets below 85. We live in Nevada. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 696

You deserved it 3 514

10/04/2019 00:00

Today, I was moving into my new apartment. I moved in a couple of bags and realized I really needed to poop. It’s been 10 minutes since I realized I hadn’t brought the toilet paper in yet. No one to bring me any. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 732

You deserved it 437

09/05/2016 20:12

Today, a friend came to visit me from across the U.S. We spent the majority of the time she was here standing in the rain, at the dog park 20 miles from my house, so she could "make sure her baby poops on time". Basically, I took time off to watch my friend's dog take 6 craps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 169

You deserved it 889

27/07/2009 04:07

Today, I had a job interview, but I arrived kind of late. I was in so much of a hurry that I hit a woman walking by in the face with the door. I offered to drive her to the hospital. Turns out that she was going to be interviewing me. She didn't offer to reschedule. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 941

You deserved it 13 661

30/10/2011 23:36

Today, I saw a group of attractive guys at the mall. One of them looked exactly like a friend, so I decided to take a picture. Trying to be discreet, I put my phone up to my ear as if I was making a phone call, and pressed the capture button. The flash went off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 489

You deserved it 46 603

15/06/2011 00:07

Today, like every other day this past week at Bonnaroo, I've been placing my belongings in the cubbyhole inside the portapotties as I use. Today, I also learned that those "cubbyholes" are urinals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 951

You deserved it 54 978

14/03/2011 19:52

Today, I spent almost two hours cleaning my fish tank, only to find out that my cat had secretly eaten all of my fish while I was cleaning the tank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 436

You deserved it 8 389

Almost there

By fucksake - 05/10/2014 15:55

Spicy

Today, at age 31, I was about to finally lose my virginity. As we tumbled onto the bed, an excruciating pain shot through my stomach. It turned out to be a hernia, and no, I didn't get laid in the end. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 158

You deserved it 4 648

Parental advice

By ifeeldirty - 27/10/2011 12:22

Spicy

Today, my dad walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex. His only reaction was to mutter, "Put some back into it, son." before awkwardly sidling out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 961

You deserved it 8 834

14/02/2017 06:00

Today, my first client as a freelancer screamed at me and threw a notebook at my head. I quit my job to become a freelancer because my boss would often scream and throw things at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 367

You deserved it 573

04/03/2016 00:22

Today, I finally did my laundry after a good few weeks, only to think another washer was a dryer. I just ran my clothes through the wash 3 times, because I was confused as to why they weren't drying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 541

You deserved it 21 877

Working conditions

By dripdripdrop - 26/01/2010 18:44

Today, it's raining at my work. Not outside, inside. Because our building's boiler broke and all the pipes are dripping with condensation. I have to sit at my desk under an umbrella to protect my laptop and desk phone. The HVAC company said, "Don't worry, this is normal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 229

You deserved it 2 153

24/09/2016 06:12

Today, after finally deciding to push past my extreme shyness, I talked to the person beside me in class. I was so nervous that when I went to take a sip of my coffee, it slipped out of my hand and splashed all over both of us. Not only did I ruin her white dress, but I also gave her mild burns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 196

You deserved it 1 397

09/11/2009 04:13

Today, I told the woman that I've had a crush on for some time how I felt. She laughed so hard that water sprayed from her nose and hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 526

You deserved it 2 895

10/02/2011 20:06

Today, I was on the phone with a client, when the gum I was casually chewing fell out of my mouth and down my shirt. While I was trying to dig it out, two of our newest customers walked into the lobby to see what looked like me fondling my breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 306

You deserved it 12 661

23/06/2009 03:34

Today, I had an interview with IBM. For a week I did extensive research and preparation for the interview. At first the interview was going really well. I was hitting all the marks. Then just as a final casual question she asked with a smile "What does IBM stand for?". I didn't know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 354

You deserved it 26 463

No thanks

By Pinsky - 13/10/2021 22:00

Spicy

Today, I found out from my best friend’s text log that my friend group has been discussing doing swinger stuff, and they deliberately excluded my wife and I. When pressed, my former best friend said no one wanted to see us naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 909

You deserved it 460

25/11/2011 15:02

Spicy

Today, I found a condom on my bed with a note written by my girlfriend that said, "Since you started acting like a dick, you might as well dress like one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 501

You deserved it 62 135

27/10/2011 15:24

Today, my pregnancy test came back positive. The only way I could have gotten pregnant is from having gotten drunk and sleeping with my ex. We broke up because I didn't want children. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 803

You deserved it 54 700

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 0:18

It's better than finding an orgy of homeless guys. Just saying ;)

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 0:16

What a stinky situation.

Comments

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 0:16

What a stinky situation.

BntyHntrSeattle 30

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 0:24

The sheer stupidity of that comment is black and white.

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 1:02

Yet it gives you a right to be rude? Disrespectful people, I swear.

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 1:26

@30 - Backdraft.

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 2:49

You could call it a terrible pun, but calling it sheer stupidity is totally unnecessary and you people should be ashamed for thumbing his reply up.

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 3:25

come on he doesn't deserve all this stupid puns suck five people saying a pun suck is stupid

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 4:49

You disappoint as the first comment....

BntyHntrSeattle 30

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 5:46

45- The pun was in "black and white", not "sheer". I would have written "shear," instead. Also, as many people have said to me, lighten up; this website is not meant to hurt people, but instead poke fun at dumb things said and done. ~BntyHntr

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 6:08

You gotta love when you read the first comment and already know how it ends

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 7:03

Yeah it really stinks.

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 0:17

Sometimes revisiting childhood memories stink??

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 6:51

Please...no more bad puns...

MissMollie_85 12

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 8:41

the puns are getting.... pungent...

ColdplaySucks 18

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 0:17

Well be glad that the house is still in good use.

kaymi 17

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 0:17

Skunked in a trunk. :(

Pwn17 25

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 0:17

Life's a bitch, isn't it?

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 0:18

Wow, that stinks!

golden_warrior 23

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 1:01

Nothing gets passed you... Eye of the tiger

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 0:18

It's better than finding an orgy of homeless guys. Just saying ;)

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 0:21

At least Dirty Mike and the boys didn't turn his treehouse into an f-shack.

Freethaawave 19

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 0:38

"It looks like Scarface sneezed on your car!" .. "At the crime scene, lol." "Good tweet, good tweet"

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 0:50

@12 I think Dirty Mike is more into the high class sex, for example in a prius.

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 0:19

Home sweet home. I'm guessing that's the scent you weren't expecting to smell :P

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 0:19

Who's the turtle man, and why would OP call him?

RVAriverRAT88 9

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 0:21

All your base are belong to us.