By skunkcat - 11/3/2020 21:00 - United States

Smelly business

Today, I was drunk in a hotel lobby with some of my cousins. I went out on the patio to get some fresh air when I saw a black cat in the bushes. I went straight over to it and started to pet it. I realized too late that the black cat was actually a skunk. FML

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Work name

Bad boys, bad boys…

Hello everyone!

By Pickle - 3/3/2011 06:58 - United States

Today, my friend and I taught a very involved healthy nutrition program to underprivileged youths at a local center. We even made them a healthy snack at the end of the program. Within minutes of the program being over, we catch some of our fellow volunteers feeding the kids Oreos. FML

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By Noname - 13/3/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, when I was shaving , I wanted to see what I looked like with a Hitler 'tache. Since I was shaving anyway I just left that part and figured I'd shave it later. Well I was goose stepping around my room for awhile and then forgot about it. I ran into my girlfriend's parents later that day. FML

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By GlueAndCarrots - 29/5/2015 15:05 - Canada - Markham

Today, my girlfriend threatened to break up with me because I crossed the street without holding her hand. FML

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By whyarewerelated - 8/9/2011 15:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I was working alone in the office with my brother. He's run out of work to do, so has been singing Disney songs loudly and badly, throwing stationery at me, and just now snuck up on me from behind and wrapped duct tape round my face. It's just us in the office next week. FML

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By Anonyme - 16/5/2014 07:55 - Canada - Saint-jean-de-matha

Today, I finally decided to get my five-year-old son a rabbit, so I explained to him how to take care of it. When I'd finished listing all the things he'd have to do, he replied, "That's too complicated... Couldn't we just eat it instead?" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2020 05:00

There's an app for everything

Today, my boyfriend told me that he could predict my periods because he keeps track of when I'm at my bitchiest each month. This wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so accurate. FML

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By MB - 28/11/2011 06:30 - United States

Today, I called a friend of mine who was recently in an accident. She told me that the head trauma has caused her to lose all sense of smell and taste. To try and cheer her up, I suggested I take her out to lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 14:58 - United States - Commack

Today, I went paintballing with my girlfriend and her family. Her dad ended up shooting me, and I doubled over in pain. I thought that was it, until he stepped back and shot me several more times in the stomach. "Just double-tapping," he smirked. More like quadruple-tapping. FML

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By hexphoenix - 7/4/2015 00:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at my job, a couple became angry with me because I charged them for an extra ranch they'd ordered, as I'm supposed to. When I explained how it says in the menu how any additional sauces are an extra charge, she said nastily, "That's okay, we'll just take it out of your tip". FML

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By neuroticallyours - 12/11/2009 07:11 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend how happy I was with him. He responded by pulling down his pants and slapping his ass. I have no idea what that was supposed to mean. FML

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By GetMoney - 1/10/2009 01:22 - United States

Today, I realized that 6 months ago I signed up for a 3 day trial for a porn website that turns into a $30 membership after 3 days. I completely forgot the day after and never viewed it. I've spent $180 so far. And I can't remember my password. FML

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By idiot - 4/1/2013 10:13 - Sweden

Today, I bought an eye mask to help me sleep during the day, as I work night shifts. Upon waking up after my first time using it, I forgot I was wearing it and thought I had gone blind, causing me to fall out of the bed and split my head open on my bedside table. FML

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By jf29 - 31/1/2009 00:49 - United States

Today, I drunkenly buried my girlfriend's recently deceased cat. Later she asked to see it and came back inside crying. It turns out I didn't bury it completely and its two back legs were poking out of the dirt. FML

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By hot_friend - 19/12/2013 06:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend said he was in love with my best friend instead of me. I wouldn't be so upset if it wasn't the third boyfriend in a row this happened with. FML

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By victimboi - 5/6/2009 19:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a taxi home from work. Only having notes in my wallet, I told the taxi driver that I'd run inside my house and come back out with the change for the journey. He agreed, but only if I left my bag as collateral. It seemed fair. An hour later, I realized my wallet was missing. FML

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By SuperCoolGurl - 17/12/2011 13:30 - Australia

Today, the cute guy in my class asked if I wanted to come over to his house to "study" on Saturday for our finals. I went to his house expecting a good time. He actually wanted to study. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2012 16:43 - Canada

Today, while I was walking home alone, a homeless man approached me and took me by the hand. Apparently, he's been watching me for weeks and has fallen madly in love with me. He told me not to worry, though; he's not a rapist. FML

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By madelynn - 31/1/2011 02:03 - United States

Today, this guy I have a huge crush on came with me to my house to study. I was warmly welcomed by my drunken mother laying naked on the floor. FML

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By Jess - 30/5/2009 12:48 - United States

Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2013 16:36 - United States - El Cajon

Today, a coworker at school yelled at one of our students to be quiet. The kid got pretty upset, so I went to comfort him. He held my hand for the rest of the class, telling me in vivid detail how he was going to kill my coworker. Now I'm afraid to look at him. FML

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By carssuck - 2/2/2012 10:28 - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket for parking in my neighbors' parking spot. I parked there because my neighbors were parked in my parking spot. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2012 13:31 - United States - Newberry

Today, I was talking to my husband about how I wanted our marriage to improve and not just be sex all the time. In the middle of my sentence, he asked for a blow job. FML

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By only child says fuck you mom - 10/4/2016 14:56 - United States - Holly Springs

Today, I overheard my mom talking to a friend on the phone. What caught my attention was when she said: "You ever look at your kid and just think... 'Fuck. Where'd I go wrong?'" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2019 20:00

Bird song

Today, I figured I've been watching too many horror films, due to my parrot mimicking a women's blood-curdling screams that he heard in a movie. How do I know? He decided to reproduce the screams at 3 a.m. FML

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By Oh hello there - 17/6/2018 01:30

Today, I accidentally left my Nintendo 3DS at the barbershop, so I rushed back to get it. The 60-year-old barber had destroyed it with a hammer, saying it was a weapon of the devil. I was gone 5 minutes. FML

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By hockeymango57 - 24/9/2017 23:15

J'accuse...!

Today, one of my friends blew a giant vape cloud and the principal saw and called us into his office. We blamed each other, so the principal checked both of our backpacks. Apparently, my friend snuck his pen into my bag somehow. I don't even vape. FML

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By FailedTraveller - 4/7/2018 15:00

Today, I took a long distance train across country. Early on I had an urgent need to use the bathroom. As I went to flush away the nasty, the preflush water violently projected my diarrhoea onto my pants before clearing the rest down the gurgler. I have 8 hours left on the train. FML

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By Alex - 16/1/2009 09:40 - United States

Today, I decided to ride my bike to the bus stop to go to school. I wasn't even half way and the last bus had already left. I figured I would loop around instead of going back the way I came and ended up riding 16 miles before I got home. FML

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By lrgenesis - 4/2/2012 08:13 - United States

Today, my mom friended all my friends on Facebook then thought it'd be a good idea to try and act like a teen so she'd be considered 'cool'. FML

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By damn... - 28/10/2008 08:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a job conference. At lunch, I saw this stunning guy. At dessert time, I coughed so much that the piece of chocolate cake in my mouth went straight onto his glasses. I think it's too late to introduce myself now. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2013 22:41 - United States - Lihue

Today, my boyfriend told me I'm beautiful. Before I could thank him, he continued, "Too bad it takes a shit-load of makeup." FML

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By Walter - 24/10/2015 03:17 - Spain

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting heated. I kissed her on the neck, chest, stomach, and threw up as I kissed between her legs. FML

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By hendrixisgod86 - 15/5/2015 18:48 - United States - Crestview

Today, some genius shot through a red light, hitting my car and nearly killing me. When I went to ask if he was okay, the first words out of his mouth were "I hope you have insurance". FML

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By Casino - 2/4/2009 01:17 - United States

Today, I bitched out my grandmother, who lives with my family, for being lazy and laying in bed until 6-7pm for the past month. When I was done, she told me she had been diagnosed with cancer and was depressed because of it. Nobody had bothered to tell me. FML

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By Noname - 8/3/2009 13:34 - United Kingdom

Today, my brother had his fiancée over to meet the whole family. We were having a great time with her, and my mother gushed to her that she was like the daughter she never had. I'm her daughter. FML

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By Mylifeisaboldandbeautifulepisode - 6/12/2017 15:00

Today, I was telling a close friend about the devastating discovery of my husband’s cheating. Turns out, she may be giving my children a half-sister for Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2012 15:17 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, my mom wanted to send me a picture of me at graduation, saying that I looked pretty in it. It was a picture of a different girl; definitely not me. Way to go, mom. FML

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By anonymous - 9/12/2013 15:10 - United States

Today, my crazy ex-girlfriend legally changed her last name to mine. I'm getting married in a week. FML

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By honeybee2487 - 30/8/2011 17:35 - United States

Today, at work, I heard a weird sound coming from the ceiling. As I looked up to see what it was, a huge splash of water hit me in the face. I called mall maintenance to let them know. They told me they already knew about the leak... from the sewage line. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2009 17:46 - Canada

Today, a parent came into my class and told one of my 6 year old students that their grandma died. Then the parent left. The kid started crying from the news, which then got all the other students crying. I spent the rest of the day comforting a class of kids crying over someone else's grandma. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7888951 - Wednesday 11 March 2020 23:41

It is called a polecat, so you were pretty close!

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7888957 - Thursday 12 March 2020 0:31

"Today, I was drunk." Instant YDI.

COMMENTS

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7888936 - Wednesday 11 March 2020 22:06

why did you pat a random (probably stray) cat? with the epidemic thats happening i thought you'd be more vigilant

By RichardPencil | 28

#7888951 - Wednesday 11 March 2020 23:41

It is called a polecat, so you were pretty close!

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7888957 - Thursday 12 March 2020 0:31

"Today, I was drunk." Instant YDI.

By jkjorn | 14

#7889083 - Thursday 12 March 2020 14:19

OP, you need to be checked for 'Pepe Le Pew Syndrome'- that's the inability to distinguish between a black cat and a skunk.