Today, I was trying to get my car out of my boyfriend's apartment...

By ocroyalty - 1/2/2010 07:31 - United States

Today, I was trying to get my car out of my boyfriend's apartment garage but couldn't. Why? Because somebody decided to park in front if the garage door and have sex. Complete with steamed windows and loud noises. FML

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Transportation

Serious times

Innocent

Hello everyone!

By Anonymous - 22/5/2012 20:49 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was browsing the web on my boyfriend's laptop, when I idly clicked a bookmark. It turned out to be his private blog, where he most recently spoke in very creepy detail about his efforts to make me love him, remarking that, "Soon, I'll plant my seed in her breeding hips." FML

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By creditwhore - 24/2/2010 19:13 - United States

Today, I decided to apply for a credit card to help build up my credit rating. It seemed smart since I'm a 24 year old college graduate. I was rejected for not having a credit history. Being rejected turns out to hurt your credit history. The irony of my predicament is too great for words. FML

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By LolaBell - 24/4/2015 14:12 - United States - Brookfield

Today, my husband admitted that he's been spying on me for the last 5 years to see if I was cheating, out of paranoia brought on by his own cheating for all 5 of those years. FML

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By Gjkashldf - 4/5/2009 00:36 - United States

Today, I was at the gym and I saw a really cute guy working out nearby. I tried to get his attention by taking off my shirt and smiling at him. When he walked over to me, instead of asking for my number, he just said "Can you please put that back on? Thanks". FML

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By awwimanahole - 4/7/2013 05:07 - United States - Palmetto

Today, I needed a change of clothes, so I called my mom. She brought me a grey shirt with a toucan on the front and Mexico City spelled in glitter. I asked her why she would bring me such an ugly shirt, and she started crying. Turns out she bought it for me as a present from her trip. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2019 00:01

Today, after my boyfriend told me I didn’t have to worry about the ex who kept commenting on his pictures, I saw him sexting her when I leaned forward to tell him something from the back of our friend's car. FML

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By Melissa - 8/3/2020 14:00

Badmouth Strikes Again

Today, my 7-year-old sister had to tell my mom to watch her language. FML

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By I fathered a pussy. - 14/6/2013 22:12 - United States - Lakeland

Today, my son visited for the first time in three years, asking to stay a while. It turns out he insulted someone online and gave his address in case they wanted to fight him. They accepted the offer, and so my son's imaginary Muay Thai skills went AWOL, along with his testicles. FML

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By alone in ND - 25/7/2019 16:00

Today, it's my 25th birthday. I closed at work, not one person wished me happy birthday, no calls or letters from my family. Even my boyfriend of 3 years didn’t remember. FML

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By JellitonOctopus - 25/1/2012 04:51 - United States

Today, I received a package from an unknown address. Inside were doll heads and cigarette butts. FML

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By kayt240 - 4/5/2011 05:41 - Canada

Today, my husband told me that he's letting his mother move in with us. He told her it was alright without even consulting me first. I hate my mother-in-law so much that I'm contemplating divorce rather than living with her. FML

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By Never Work With Animals or Children - 26/5/2012 11:06 - United States - Van Nuys

Today, I ran out of the house after my dog, tripped and knocked myself out on the railing by the front step. I woke up to my little brother lifting up the back of my dress for the neighborhood to see. FML

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By stuckonrepeat - 8/3/2012 08:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I received the results of the exams that I re-took in order to improve my grades. I got exactly the same grades as before in all four exams. Point for point identical. FML

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By lonewolf2701 - 22/11/2009 09:15 - United States

Today, my manager sent me a text message with a picture of Santa masturbating, with a message that said he wished me a white Christmas. FML

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By bob - 7/2/2011 06:52 - Canada

Today, I found out that FedEx delivered my $700 package to the wrong person. The person who signed for it didn't even spell my name right. FML

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By kjcarey123 - 15/7/2009 17:24 - United States

Today, a fax came in at work for a specific job, and I asked the owner of the company who it was for. He replied "the round one", so I handed it to our rotund Project Manager. Apparently the owner meant the garbage can, not my fat co-worker. Now i'm the asshole of the office. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2013 17:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after months of exercise and diets and finally reaching my ideal weight, I told my morbidly obese cousin about my success, hoping to motivate him to do the same. He replied, "Why would it matter, you're still ugly." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2012 20:57 - United States - Muskegon

Today, my boyfriend decided that he didn't need a real job. He wants to sell pot for a living. Or hang drywall. He can't decide. FML

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By AKN - 29/1/2009 00:33 - United States

Today, my friend sent me the link to this website with a message that said, "You'll feel at home." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 21:22 - United States

Today, it was my wedding day. I gave a speech about the first time my wife and I met. I said I knew she was the perfect woman for me and it was love at first sight. I looked to my right as she stormed off and then realized I had told a story about my ex-girlfriend who was sitting in the crowd. FML

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By ribbonsundone - 6/1/2010 10:07 - United States

Today, I treated my friends to lunch at a posh restaurant because it's my birthday. While we were walking leisurely around the mall afterwards, their boyfriends showed up. I spent the next few hours walking alone behind them while they were walking hand in hand with their boyfriends. FML

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By Pool-less - 4/9/2011 06:09 - United States

Today, I found out that my neighbors took it upon themselves to knock down the fence we shared, and putting up a new one. Thus fencing my pool into their yard. When I asked them why, he replied, "We thought you weren't coming back." I was gone for 4 months tending to my sister with breast cancer. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2011 19:51 - Estonia

Today, I realized that not only did my parents not get me anything for Christmas, they also stole the $500 my grandparents gave me to buy a computer. FML

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By Not That Old - 28/7/2011 04:22 - United States

Today, I went to El Pollo Loco for the $10.00 special. I ordered from the pimple-faced kid at the register, pulled out two fives, and he said, "That'll be 9.70, I gave you the senior discount." I'm 10 years away from that. Thank you? FML

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By Lauren - 8/9/2010 23:13 - Australia

Today, a little girl asked me how I could be so fat and still have small boobs. Great question. FML

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By Beefballs - 29/7/2009 06:22 - Canada

Today, I just found out my dad got remarried a year ago. The woman is officially living with us, I got to have lunch with her alone today. I found out she is only 22, with a 14 year old little brother. My dad's 47. I'm 17, now with a 14 year old uncle and a mom that can pass for my girlfriend. FML

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By emasculated 10000% - 4/5/2013 17:05 - Sweden - Ljungby

Today, I was out with my grandma when a pair of very shady guys approached us in the street, hands in their pockets. Without breaking stride, she pulled a knife out of her handbag and told them they'd better keep walking. They did. What the fuck, gran? FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, I found out that my mother cheated on my father. It turns out she had a drunken one night stand with the manager of the restaurant that my parents own and that I work at. The same manager I have been secretly sleeping with for over six months. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2013 20:38 - Germany - Bad Windsheim

Today, I went to the supermarket to get some Easter gifts for my kids. At the register, I was verbally abused to the point of tears by the cashier, for having way too many items for the 12 items or less lane. I had 13. FML

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By inder - 25/2/2011 16:03 - United Kingdom

Today, while having sex, I found out that I'm so flexible that when I bend over backwards, the backs of my knees can touch my shoulders. My boyfriend is now extremely jealous and is debating about breaking up with me. Even I don't get it. FML

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By anony - 24/5/2016 12:57 - New Zealand - East Tamaki

Today, my boyfriend's mum begged me to stay with my boyfriend because she says I'm the only one who can actually get him through college and into a decent job. FML

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By quietdown - 30/5/2009 19:50 - United States

Today, I began to choke on a large pill while my mom was in the room. Hoping that she would help me, I began to make a lot of noise. After she completely ignored me, I threw my body over a chair, saving my life. At this point my mother asks me to shut up because she can't hear her friend. FML

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By Crap - 30/7/2015 00:57 - United States - Seminole

Today, I had horrible diarrhea at work. When I felt the bubbling, I ran to the bathroom. An agonizing bowel movement later, I realized that there was no toilet paper in the stall. Just as I was about to ask a coworker who was in the bathroom for some, the fire alarm went off. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2015 04:36 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be hilarious to secretly swap her and my mom's numbers in my phone, then sexually tease me before going to work. I found out about the prank when I texted my "girlfriend", saying I was going to fuck her so hard she wouldn't walk straight for days. FML

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By BritneyFink - 4/2/2009 21:05 - Canada

Today, I bought a jacket with real fur on it. Turns out, i'm allergic and now my ears look like they have herpes on them. FML

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By NothowIimaginedmyday - 3/10/2015 04:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was shaving his beard in the bathroom when I left. An hour later, I found him exasperated after having shaved half his body. I had to help him shave every nook and cranny left because he said he was in too deep and couldn't turn back. Yes, his bumhole too. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2011 19:55 - United States

Today, it's my soon to be 12 year old daughter's birthday. On my break at work I texted her how much I loved her and happy birthday. She replied with, "K, when will you be home? Mom won't let me open presents until you're here." Good to know I'm loved. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2014 17:21 - United Kingdom - Middlesbrough

Today, someone commented on my mother's memorial page on my blog. It said "u need too get over it bitch" and "ur mum was a wh0re". I looked up the IP address and found the comment was posted from my own wifi. The only other person who lives in my house is my girlfriend. FML

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By mamagelmane - 8/8/2014 04:27 - France - Vervezelle

Today, my husband jolted in bed and while still half-asleep said, "I had a nightmare; I dreamt we had a kid." I'm 8 months pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, I would rather pound to porn than have sex with my wife, because trying to get her in the mood is too much hassle. FML

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Top comments

By TruckerGustav | 0

#815765 - Monday 1 February 2010 16:12

If I were you, I'll make them move by honking incessantly.

By DeepSouthEmo | 0

#816924 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 0:26

i would knock on the window and look at them so they feel awkward 

COMMENTS

By kivkiv | 2

#815746 - Monday 1 February 2010 16:08

they beat ya to it haha

Shystai | 0

#816676 - Monday 1 February 2010 22:43

Honk. 50 times. Then 500. Then 5000 times.

Lancerman7449 | 0

#816922 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 0:26

hit the gas, tht'll move em

emoss22 | 0

#817881 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 5:50

ur hott

girlygirllol8 | 0

#818021 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 6:54

I know, I am hot

animefreak101 | 0

#818054 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 7:11

but u gotta admit that's funny

lovethiscaligirl | 0

#819034 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 19:38

wow u that REALLY sucks for u

My2864 | 1

#979830 - Wednesday 14 April 2010 23:02

just cockblock the dude by banging on the windows
xD

sammy92 | 0

#2161551 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 11:05

sounds like fun hahaha

cocobulla1 | 4

#2547667 - Sunday 22 May 2011 6:40

betcha ur jealous!!!!

cocobulla1 | 4

#2547671 - Sunday 22 May 2011 6:42

lol I bet u also wanked off while watching!!!!

By BadPinkKitty07 | 0

#815755 - Monday 1 February 2010 16:10

I always did think garages were sexy. :/

infiniti_G | 0

#817809 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 5:26

i think I'm in love ^^

shamRawer | 0

#817819 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 5:27

lol WTF

girlygirllol8 | 0

#818026 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 6:55

what does ^^ mean????????

byronthegrim | 0

#818087 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 7:41

that means 2 tits :-D, jk it's a happy face

By lilbyrd43 | 0

#815758 - Monday 1 February 2010 16:11

Haha that's hot

By TruckerGustav | 0

#815765 - Monday 1 February 2010 16:12

If I were you, I'll make them move by honking incessantly.

DeepSouthEmo | 0

#816924 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 0:26

i would knock on the window and look at them so they feel awkward 

By allen20 | 0

#815770 - Monday 1 February 2010 16:13

Pop their tires :D
they'll have a big surprise as soon as they get out(:

MetroidSlayer01 | 8

#816485 - Monday 1 February 2010 21:02

but then she would be stuck there longer...

UK_fml | 0

#818062 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 7:22

WIN 

By igetinyourpants | 0

#815787 - Monday 1 February 2010 16:18

yea... u would do that cause u are a white trash or uneducated nigga

By theleader89 | 0

#815790 - Monday 1 February 2010 16:18

lol just open the door yell hey!!! mind if i join!?

By omnistryder | 0

#815805 - Monday 1 February 2010 16:21

ha! call a bunch of friends over and pop some popcorn

ihavenoname123 | 0

#816773 - Monday 1 February 2010 23:30

maybe they wanna pop sonething else?

MinaGermania | 12

#5878440 - Friday 7 March 2014 18:12

Best 3D P0rn ever :)

By uhohuscrewedup | 0

#815815 - Monday 1 February 2010 16:24

get a video cam and record it, they'll move.

TheCoolDude16 | 0

#821204 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 9:25

nobody wants to see that--- FAIL

By Th217 | 2

#815837 - Monday 1 February 2010 16:31

or just call the cops...

stewie1744 | 0

#818151 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 8:39

11, ur a fuckin dumbass

piemasterp | 8

#2219975 - Tuesday 22 March 2011 1:46

how is he a dumbass?