By not the mama - 24/10/2020 02:01 - United States - Hesperia

Classic Dave

Today, after years of trying, I got the wonderful news that my husband is going to be a father. Too bad I’m not the mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1512

You deserved it

68

Tweet

Share

Understandable

Commando

BO Central

By notmysistersbf - Canada - Summerland

Today, my mom called my workplace and told my boss to make sure I wear a hat so I didn't get heatstroke like I did on my last shift. I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29593

You deserved it

3926

Tweet

Share

By margretlle - United States

Today, I was walking in the kitchen with my parrot on my shoulder and my dog running around. Something freaked out my bird and she bit my ear and started flapping her wings in my face. Surprised, I took a step back, tripped over my dog, fell, hit my head on the stove, and got knocked unconscious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54651

You deserved it

8376

Tweet

Share

By Unnoticed - Australia - Thornlie

Today, my colleague introduced herself and said, "I know how nerve-racking first days are!" Which is nice of her, except I've been at this company longer than she has. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4057

You deserved it

306

Tweet

Share

By idiotson - United States - Rocky Point

Today, I had to go to the police station after my son got arrested for shoplifting 15 packs of gum. He got away with it at first, but got busted when he tried to return it all because he "didn't like the flavor". FML

I agree, your life sucks

55162

You deserved it

8933

Tweet

Share

By mikej1985 - Canada

Today, I got to my underground parking garage at work and saw my boss pulling into a spot. I thought I would show him my reverse parking skills and decided to park beside him. As I was pulling in he opened his door to get out and I smashed into it, nearly running him over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17428

You deserved it

70125

Tweet

Share

By weirdthingtosay - United States - Kalama

Today, I was getting to second base with a really hot guy, but I couldn't stop laughing when he said my boobs were "soft like cake." He got so embarrassed that he lost his boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39774

You deserved it

11824

Tweet

Share

By KBO - Australia

Today, I woke up hungover and thirsty, I found a glass of water next to the sink, filled it up with more water, chugged it and went back to bed. I woke up an hour later to my best friend telling me she thought she lost her contacts. They were in a glass next to the sink. I ate her contacts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33000

You deserved it

43271

Tweet

Share

By fucked by sex ed - United States - Manchester

Today, my 19-year-old son told me his girlfriend is pregnant, and was diagnosed with an STD. He's sure that he's the father. He's also sure he doesn't have an STD, because he's a virgin. I had to give him the sex talk that his school never did, as well as explain to him that his girlfriend is a cheater. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50740

You deserved it

16918

Tweet

Share

By jennag5 - Canada - Claresholm

Today, two drop dead gorgeous Australians asked me for directions. Being so shocked by their beauty and accents, I couldn't get words out of my mouth. The one said to the other "Nope she doesn't speak English", then walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25241

You deserved it

10661

Tweet

Share

By kaleighf - United States - Hollywood

Today, a new girl showed up at my school and everyone really seems to be intrigued about her. I've been told at least five times today that she is the hotter version of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14009

You deserved it

1159

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Louisville

Today, I saw my dad pick his teeth with a toothpick from a new box. He ate the food he got out of his teeth and put the toothpick back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43500

You deserved it

2883

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my co-worker and I played a game where we give each other the bird in whatever creative manner we could come up with. Deciding to be sneaky, I hid behind a wall with my middle finger up as I heard him walking into the office. It was my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18142

You deserved it

40756

Tweet

Share

By James - 31/1/2021 11:01

How could you forget?

Today, I realised that my birthday was yesterday. I was so busy with my painting work that I completely forgot. I realised when I got messages from friends in the USA, wishing me a happy birthday. Seriously timezones? FML

I agree, your life sucks

554

You deserved it

216

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and asked me, "what do I do now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

143179

You deserved it

16360

Tweet

Share

By dontevenassk - Canada

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to scare me by tilting the portable street toilets while I was taking a dump in one of them. One of my friends accidentally rocked it too hard and it fell on the floor. They wouldn't even let me sit in the car after because I had shit all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64022

You deserved it

3764

Tweet

Share

By NoorFML - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, my mom was feeling down, so I decided to buy her a gift. Knowing she likes lighthouses, I bought her a tiny one that plugs in and lights up. I brought it home, plugged it in, and when she saw me with it, she said, "Wipe that smirk off your face and get that junk out of here." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27139

You deserved it

2020

Tweet

Share

By SeagullsShouldDie - United States

Today, was my uncle's funeral. He was cremated, and his wish was to have his ashes spread into the sea. As we were waiting for the waves to come and take him away, a group of seagulls came by picking at all his ashes. I guess he tasted good. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34058

You deserved it

3360

Tweet

Share

By goodbye - Canada

Today, I finally got up the nerve to ask this really cute girl out I've had a crush on for over eight months. Turns out she isn't a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

97035

You deserved it

34454

Tweet

Share

By "Lisa" - Romania

Today, I made out with a handsome man in the restroom at a party. There was a knock on the door, interrupting us. It was his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2773

You deserved it

1347

Tweet

Share

By badcook - United States

Today, my mother-in-law gifted us with a new microwave. I told her it was too much and we didn't really need it. Her response, "I just want my grandkids to have food that tastes good for once." I'm a chef. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42609

You deserved it

3493

Tweet

Share

By snowbunny - United States

Today, I bundled up to shovel my car out of almost 2 feet of snow, only to find my car was gone. I ran into the nearby police station to report my stolen car. The policeman trudged down with me to get a report. I had parked my car on the other side of the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6330

You deserved it

31407

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I was asleep in my back garden and woke up when a bird landed on my hat and took a big shit right in my open mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2857

You deserved it

439

Tweet

Share

By fucking fuck off - United States

Today, a customer gave me hell because a high-spec game he bought wouldn't run on his ancient Windows XP PC. I ended up having to profusely apologize and refund him. Whoever coined the phrase "the customer is always right" should probably be shot, run over by a bus, then shot a few more times. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26955

You deserved it

1971

Tweet

Share

By orangethonglover - United States

Today, I found out the real cause of my dog's illness that she had just recovered from. When my sister took her in to see the vet, the vet said my dog was constipated, and swallowed something orange. That orange thing happened to be my favorite thong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39996

You deserved it

6258

Tweet

Share

By dhdyvifjdksk - United States

Good deeds

Today, I donated blood and the nurse said: "God blesses good deeds", when I get home, my mom tells me that we have to sell the house because we're broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2085

You deserved it

129

Tweet

Share

By reginaphalange - Australia

Today, I found out that my best friend was having a birthday party and I wasn't invited. I had just finished planning a surprise party for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44727

You deserved it

3309

Tweet

Share

By HomeImprover

Today, I rode my newly-purchased bicycle to Lowe's to look at flooring and back splashes for our upcoming remodel. Upon leaving the store, I found out that my bicycle had been stolen by someone who had bought a hacksaw from that store while I was shopping. They left the receipt to mock me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10464

You deserved it

774

Tweet

Share

By Perpetually F-ed. - United States

Today, my younger brother and my parents were in my dorm room. When I wasn't looking, my brother opened the top drawer of my dresser (where I had a tube of half-used lube) and asked out loud: "What's Astroglide?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

34217

You deserved it

9267

Tweet

Share

By Soaked - United States

Today, there was a 10-minute cloudburst. It started 30 seconds after I parked my car and ended 30 seconds after I arrived at the office. Now the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and I look like I took a shower fully clothed. Oh, and I'm wearing thin white pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46129

You deserved it

7980

Tweet

Share

By amberrenee91 - United States - Ellwood City

Today, a cute guy who works at the mall winked at me. When I met up with my boyfriend, I bragged to him about it. His response was, "Don't flatter yourself, he winked at me too." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36483

You deserved it

17772

Tweet

Share

By Jimii Liu - United States

Today, I had a date with a woman. She brought her dog along. Every time when I touched her, the jealous male dog began to bark and tried to bite me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28540

You deserved it

3339

Tweet

Share

By Coaldust

Today, my niece stole a bottle of whiskey from me to mix with Monster and get drunk with her boyfriend. It was a bottle of 23-year-old Pappy Van Winkle's that cost over $2000. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9462

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1941

Tweet

Share

By innocent cat lady - United States

Today, my boyfriend freaked out at me because he found a couple of orange hairs in my bed and he knows my ex is a redhead. He also knows I have two orange cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28105

You deserved it

2449

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom sat on a pencil and started bleeding. She then made me clean the wound on her butt and put ointment on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37040

You deserved it

4904

Tweet

Share

By off to the whorehouse, then - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my Game of Thrones addicted girlfriend decided to name my penis Tyrion Lannister. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48777

You deserved it

7769

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/2/2021 18:30 - United States - Pittsburgh

What's more embarrassing?

Today, I pulled out an annoying nose hair with a tweezer and it made me cry. Not particularly painful but it triggered the tear duct. Had to pretend it was from yawning when someone asked why the teary eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

560

You deserved it

190

Tweet

Share

By birdfoooo - United States

Today, as I was leaving Wal-mart, a huge group of birds settled along the wire above the street. I thought it would be hilarious to scare them, so I stuck my head out the window and screamed. The birds responded by simultaneously shitting on my car in very neat rows. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7998

You deserved it

54989

Tweet

Share

By Lo_Bolian - United States

Today, I was taking the bus home. A dirty homeless man boarded the bus, put his bag on the overhead rack, and sat down. His bag was leaking and dripped onto my shoulder. I asked the man what it was. He said, "Roadkill." I now have dead animal blood on my best business suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56562

You deserved it

3394

Tweet

Share

By Bleached_Eyes - United States - Pikesville

Close-Knit Family

Today, I finally met my girlfriend's family. When it was time for dinner, I was sent upstairs to get her brother. When I walked in, he was laid out on his bed getting a rimjob from his cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7461

You deserved it

637

Tweet

Share

By missunlucky - Czech Republic

Today, I was at a club with my friends and my friend got really drunk. Later on he came up to me and said he really needed to pee but he was too drunk to work the zipper, and asked if I could help. When I finally unzipped him, he was so desperate to go he pissed in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27894

You deserved it

9891

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Warp1978 | 13

#7947309 - Saturday 24 October 2020 13:43

I'm sorry to hear that. This maybe hard to hear right now but leave him he's not worth the heart ache

By RichardPencil | 30

#7947342 - Saturday 24 October 2020 17:43

On the plus side, you saved a fortune in fertility testing to find out who's the culprit in you not getting pregnant.

COMMENTS

By Warp1978 | 13

#7947309 - Saturday 24 October 2020 13:43

I'm sorry to hear that. This maybe hard to hear right now but leave him he's not worth the heart ache

By RichardPencil | 30

#7947342 - Saturday 24 October 2020 17:43

On the plus side, you saved a fortune in fertility testing to find out who's the culprit in you not getting pregnant.

By PawgPower | 3

#7947363 - Saturday 24 October 2020 20:04

I saw it coming.

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7947396 - Sunday 25 October 2020 2:26

That's what she said.

By Paul Rushing | 21

#7947395 - Sunday 25 October 2020 1:08

How is that wonderful news?!?

By Bubbilility | 27

#7947441 - Sunday 25 October 2020 8:17

Could someone who selected YDI please explain your thinking process on this topic?

Reply

lev | 11

#7947459 - Sunday 25 October 2020 8:44

every FML has a few YDIs, and most of the time I don't understand why. trolls?

By coius | 23

#7947519 - Sunday 25 October 2020 16:48

At least you didnt find out about this after you and (hopefully soon to be ex) your husband conceived. Divorces are much more messy and traumatic when kids are involved. But file soon. Hopefully you live in a state where infidelity determines who becomes winner takes it all, so to speak. First thing first, file for separation so at least any mess up and financial issues he causes aren’t pegged onto you for responsibility. Until legal separation is filed, any of his costs/debts, you can be forced to pay for. Including the little bastards birth.

By Arkangel.Artemis | 8

#7960799 - Tuesday 29 December 2020 10:14

Divorce his ass! you deserve better!