Leaving Work

Today, some well-meaning soul told me to just pray my depression away, which would be about as effective as praying away a knife in my shin. FML

Dangling modifier

Instadrama

No data for you

By an anon - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I told my mom that I struggle with depression. She then told me that she thinks that I always seem to suck the life out of a room. FML

By Anonymous - 5/10/2020 23:01 - United States

Thanks for the support!

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Today, at work, my boss went to the single-stall bathroom on our floor. The next thing I know, I'm on suspension pending review because some asshole left an upper-decker in the toilet. Since I'm the office prankster, all suspicion is now on me. I've been framed by my own colleagues. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

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Today, my dad was helping me move my stuff out. I'd asked my boyfriend to deal with my sex toys and lingerie, but still my dad showed up later at my new place, handed me a box full of them all, and simply said, "I don't want to know." FML

By nean83 - United States - Inglewood

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Today, I realised that I have a better relationship with my cat than I do with my boyfriend. FML

By Anonymous - 20/7/2020 14:01

Good boy, best boy

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Today, my teacher told me I wasn't pretty enough to play the princess part in the play. FML

By sophie - United States

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Today, my dad and I went fishing. We both got a bite, but when we went to reel it in, both our hooks were in the catfish's mouth. He pushed me in the mud and took my hook out its mouth so he could say he caught it. FML

By Bryce - 10/5/2020 02:00

Very fishy

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Today, in math class we were learning about gravity. To demonstrate my teacher asked me to stand on the desk and then step off. Upon stepping on the desk it curved inward and cracked. Everyone was dying of laughter. Fuck gravity. FML

By systeminitiated - Canada

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Today, I got snowed in. At work. FML

By snowbunny - United States

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Today, I was speaking to my mother on the phone, when she mentioned that my dad had surprised her last week with a pearl necklace. Before I could quite grasp what was going on, I'd popped a boner and visualised the scene. What the hell is wrong with me? FML

By clayton - Australia - Sydney

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Today, I discovered that if I put my ankles on my boyfriends shoulders while we are having sex, I will pee myself. FML

By noname - Canada

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Today, at work, a customer pulled down her pants and lifted her sweater to reveal a hole in her chest full of greenish, stinky goo. I don't work in anything health-related. FML

By Yudith

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Today, I got woken up and kicked out of bed. Apparently if I cheat in her dreams it still counts. FML

By Jrex89 - United States - Washington

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Today, I received a phone call from the number of a "single" guy I met online. It was his wife, who is three months pregnant. She threatened to kick my ass. FML

By cchandler - United States

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Today, I was helping my friend pack her carry on for her vacation. I drove her to the airport, and after her plane took off, I noticed I put my cell phone in her purse. Her vacation is 2 months long. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I had to make a doctor's appointment for my daughter. Apparently she thought it would be better to wipe herself with Clorox tough scrub disinfecting wipes than tell me she'd caught an STD. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I visited the doctor. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML

By loveinanelevator

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Today, my boss reprimanded me in front of the rest of the staff for "not following instructions" because I went to a company meeting. I have the email from him telling me to go to the meeting. He thinks I faked it. Unemployment sucks. FML

By BrokeButSmart - United States - Valparaiso

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Today, my boss - whose intelligence level hovers a hair above "Herpity derpity derp" - got up my ass and accused me of lying to him. All because I said that just because I'm a network admin, I can't make his 7 year old piece of crap Blackberry magically be able to use 4G networks. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

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Today, I called my mom while she was out of town and confessed how I have been depressed lately and thinking suicidal thoughts. After my long sob story, she took a breath and said, "OK, just make sure you don't forget to take the dogs out." FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I took out my ear cartilage piercing. With my comb. FML

By Anonymous - Australia

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Today, my girlfriend's best friend was dumped, and was absolutely depressed. My girlfriend thought she'd show her sympathy by breaking up with me so they "could be single together." FML

By dumped - United States

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By toolateabuckshort

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Today, after a week of rejoicing that my petty, passive-aggressive, bullying neighbours were moving away, I came home to find the "to let" board had been outside the wrong house the whole time. It's actually the people I really like who are moving away. FML

By Jade - United Kingdom - Wembley

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Today, I was working for my cousin. However, two weeks ago I found out my cousin's wife was cheating on him, through lying to her best friend. I told him, and he later told her. They've apparently made up, because I got fired. FML

By Miguel Ezpeleta - 29/5/2020 05:00

Never get involved

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Today, I was reading through a local wedding mag's advice page. A mother-in-law to be was writing about how to handle wanting her son to break off his engagement. I thought, "Wow. That must suck. I'm glad I like my mother-in-law to be." And then I saw her name. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I asked my mum why she never had any children after me. She scoffed and asked if I've looked in a mirror lately. FML

By noiguessitsbroken :( - Lithuania - Kaunas

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Today, my mom refused to sign me up for a CPR class, reasoning that if I was ever put in a situation where a person was choking, I could save them using my "common sense" and "intellect". I need the class to graduate. FML

By blob - United States - Framingham

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Today, I was lying in bed with my cat. I must have looked at him the wrong way or something, because he hissed and savagely clawed at my face without warning. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I needed to pee at my friend's house. His bathroom door is often left closed even if there's no one in there, so I knocked just to make sure. His stepdad opened the door stark naked. FML

By oops - Australia - Newtown

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Today, in the middle of a hot air balloon ride with my girlfriend, I asked her to marry me. She said no. The rest of the ride was the most awkward 2 hours of my life. FML

By Tj Hunt - United States

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Today, my husband and I got into an argument. He wants to introduce our girlfriend to our kids and make her a part of our everyday family life. When we started this, I was under the impression that it was just a sex thing, and wouldn’t leave our bedroom. He wants to make her his second wife. FML

By pretty poly - 10/11/2020 11:01

And today, on Dr Phil…

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Today, I finally got a "sexy" pic from my boyfriend. It's of his man boobs. They're bigger than mine. FML

By FML_Fan86 - 23/1/2021 20:02

Moobs are great

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Today, while out jogging with my mom, we saw my boyfriend walking in our direction. When we reached him, he took one look at my makeup-less face, then made a huge show of screaming in disgust before calmly walking away. FML

By -___- - Canada - Montr?al

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Today, I took my mother grocery shopping. From the opposite end of the snack aisle, she yelled, "They don't have my darkies! Ya know how I like my darkies!” She was talking about dark pretzels. I don’t think the appalled black couple next to me knew that. FML

By ShamefulShoop

cringe intensifies

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Today, I ruined my computer screen trying to kill a fly. FML

By failure461 - United States

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Today, I dyed my naturally-blonde hair dark brown. Upon seeing me, my boyfriend immediately wanted to have sex, because I now remind him of his favourite porn star. FML

By brunetteshavemorefun - United Kingdom - Burnley

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Today, I saw my teacher using her phone in the middle of class, so to joke around with her, seeing as we're on pretty good terms, I said: "Using your phone in class? For shame." She looks me in the eyes and says, "Would it be ok if I told you I'm arranging my father's funeral?" FML

By lolwut - United States - Albany

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Today, the highlight of my whole month was finally being able to take a solid crap. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Ames

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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