Leaving Work

Today, I was visiting my grandma who has a beagle named Max. He was so excited to see me, he jumped on my face and peed. FML

Serious times

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Dream baby dream

By lean_mean_meme_machine - United States - Tampa

8341

677

Today, I went to see my mother with my kids. Before, I had told my son to give her hugs and kisses and I would buy him candy. He did, but then he told her that I said that. FML

By laughxlove - United States

10784

32825

Today, I was showing a new girl around at school. As we were walking through the parking lot she noticed a green jeep and commented "I heard the person who drives that is a total creep. Is he?" I said I didn't know who it was. It was my car. FML

By mycar - United States - Charlotte

54746

6247

Today, my girlfriend, after 9 months of coffee shop dates and sharing bottles of wine, relaxing, expressing our love for each other, decided it was time to end our relationship by telling me that she actually wasn't happy, and had her and all of her friends and family block me on every social media. FML

By B.. - 1/9/2020 23:00

Bye then!

1655

183

Today, I actually thought of faking my own death to get away from my girlfriend and her insane, overbearing family. FML

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

48726

7818

Today, I lost my anal virginity because my boyfriend "slipped". FML

By anonymous - Canada

58950

22839

Today, my boyfriend went and bought Skyrim, Modern Warfare 3 and renewed his WoW subscription. Looks like I won't be getting laid for a month or two. FML

By anonymous - Canada

49022

12590

Today, I was at the mall, when I saw an elderly lady drop her groceries, so I rushed over to help her pick them up. She took one look at me, called me a "Liberal bastard," and shouted for me to get away from her before she called the cops. FML

By WTF is all I ask - United States - Mcallen

24299

2475

Today, while at a local river, I had been pulled underwater by a very fast and strong current. While fighting for my life, I had let go of my sandals so I could pull myself up. After explaining to my mom what had happened to me, her response was "YOU LOST YOUR SANDALS!?" FML

By lifesuck - United States

33455

3747

Today, at my job at a frozen yogurt shop, an elderly woman gladly announced that I'd be seeing a lot of her due to the vaginal infection that she has. Thank you for that, ma'am. FML

By Sun_Kissed18 - United States - Hillsborough

46394

4185

Today, I joined a dating site. The first guy it recommended is the stalker I met on the last dating site I used. FML

By thammer - United States - Green Bay

29620

4738

Today, my doctor died. Last week, after a check up I'd had because I was worried about a cough, he told me not to worry because I was as healthy as he was. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

27884

1955

Today, I had to give a speech on abstinence to a bunch of teenage boys, and surprisingly they were paying attention. After they left, I went to the bathroom and saw I had missed a few buttons on my blouse. The boys had a close up view of my cleavage for 3 hours. FML

By Anna - United States

24501

64564

Today, my girlfriend of a year and I had sex for the first time in several weeks due to relationship problems; I came in less than 10 seconds. We're still having problems. FML

By pathetic - United States

25597

29761

Today, I had to listen to Lou Bega's 'Mambo Number 5' on constant replay for 3 hours, because my little sister was trying to learn a dance for a recital. It would have been even longer than 3 hours, but she then realized that she was dancing to the wrong song. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Bonita Springs

24724

1728

Today, I had my half-year performance review. My boss arrived 15 minutes late, paid basically no attention to my presentation, and left 30 minutes early. I guess I’ll go fuck myself then. FML

By lukey101 - 11/2/2021 14:01 - Australia

Most likely

851

Today, thinking he was being so hilarious, my friend slipped me enough laxatives to make a horse shit its intestines out. I haven't been able to move from the toilet for over an hour. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Bentonville

34907

2870

Today, my boyfriend had his arm around me. He pulled me closer, so I looked up, thinking maybe he wanted a kiss. Turns out he was picking his nose over my head. FML

By Maria - United Kingdom - York

4586

380

Today, my teacher was giving a lecture about human genetics and how they are passed on to children. She projected a large picture of a baby on to the screen in the front of the room. I then joked about how this ugly baby must have some very unattractive parents. It was her baby. FML

By biggmouth - United States

19321

119529

Today, I accidentally stepped on a dead bee. The stinger was still intact. How do I know? It stung my foot. I'm allergic to bees. FML

By where's the epipen - United States - Tampa

9745

869

Today, thanks to a new form of birth control, I've now been having my period non-stop for six weeks. FML

By theflow - Australia - Perth

42118

4533

Today, my girlfriend came over to my place unannounced. She slapped me in the face, said, "You son of a bitch." and stormed off. I have no idea what that was for. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Cincinnati

39732

5504

Today, I ran across the street due to a line of cars waiting for me to cross. Just as I reached the other side, my iPhone slipped out of my hand and fell into the road, just in time to get run over by multiple cars, one after the other. FML

By unknown - Canada - Winnipeg

Bye bye love

25013

7324

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to viciously rip off my thong. My ass crack is numb. FML

By beccav23 - United States

He's got the moves

36235

7455

Today, I spent five minutes trying to kill a spider with my mind. FML

By AnRom - United States

10583

43849

Today, I watched as the teenage neighbor girl tried to parallel-park between me and my wife's cars. She was doing pretty well until she backed into mine, got scared, hit the accelerator and ran into my wife's. FML

By carless - United States

43840

3371

Today, I was running late for an important job interview because I couldn't find my keys. I place the keys on my kitchen counter every day to prevent exactly this type of situation. After few minutes and missing my interview, I finally found my keys, in my hand. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Millers Tavern

11311

32031

Today, I rode home alone on a train. I accidentally missed my stop, but wasn't worried about it. My mom did not share my optimism and actually called the train company, saying that I was "lost" and "special". They thought she meant I was retarded. They wouldn't believe me when I said I wasn't. FML

By Anonymous - United States

31493

3277

Today, my mother-in-law sent me a pedometer for my birthday. I've been confined to a wheelchair for most of my life. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Kitchener

35898

2135

Today, my uncle is on vacation with his friend, who sent us a video of their hotel room. He captured a glimpse of my uncle in the shower. Naked. This can't be unseen. FML

By Vlad

2959

283

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to break up with her. It was a hard decision and both of us became quite emotionally overwhelmed at the time. We began to hug as a final goodbye, then her mum burst in the room and yelled, "HE FINALLY PROPOSED!" FML

By Matt - Australia - Tyabb

Wrong end of the stick

42737

3843

Today, I came home to find that all my porn magazines have been "censored" with a black sharpie. FML

By Username - United States

27127

55537

Today, I was at a pet store cuddling an apparently overaggressive chinchilla when it decided to bite me and run out of my hands. It is now nowhere to be found and I have to pay for it. FML

By alltimelove

25408

9966

Today, my depression has hit a new low. I had to verbally motivate myself for at least an hour in order to wash two plates. I ended up giving up in the middle, and completely shutting down for six hours afterwards. FML

By natasha - 1/7/2020 05:03

The void

1354

243

Today, I tried to make breakfast. I had everything cooking on the stove when I reached to turn on the faucet, only to find out that the head of the faucet was up the sleeve of my robe. After drying off, I went to serve my boyfriend his plate, but when I returned, the stove had caught fire. FML

By Anonymous

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

1328

508

Today, I discovered that the upside of losing weight is that men have started hitting on me. The downside? They're all twice my age. FML

By stillyoung - Australia

29622

4383

Today, my husband rejected sleeping with me because he wants to "save his energy" for building his custom car. Apparently, I'm a "distraction." FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Chatswood

48022

6354

Today, I was syphoning some gas from my truck to my friend's car just enough to get to the gas station. I told my friend to let me know when the gas was coming; he said, "Alright." Suddenly, I got a mouth full of gas because he was on his phone taking a video of me. He got the whole thing. FML

By crazytortise - United States

10519

1636

Today, I brought a cupcake to school for my friend's birthday. After taking one bite, she exclaimed that it was the worst thing she had ever tasted and that we should sue the store that I bought it from. I baked it myself. FML

By Anonymous - United States

28451

5408