Leaving Work

Today, I realised the extent of my wife's cat obsession when I received an $850 bill for the air conditioner she leaves on for our 5 cats while we are at work. FML

Healthy relationship

Toxic parents

Breaking Badly

By thecatlady - 27/2/2013 07:12 - Australia - Kambalda

30681

4275

Today, I had a surgery to remove a cyst from my butt. Afterwards that doctor told me that the cyst was bigger than he initially thought, it would still secrete fluids for two weeks, and the best remedy for this was to wear a maxi-pad. I'm a guy, and am currently wearing a maxi-pad on my butt. FML

By Ian - 18/4/2009 14:24 - United States

108321

6409

Today, I got a $200 ticket mailed to me for drunk driving in Maryland. I have never been pulled over for drunk driving and I have never been to Maryland. FML

By Noname - 13/3/2009 00:38 - United States

97730

4381

Today, I got into a fight with my mom because she believes that my fiancé is "irresponsible" and "immature". I stormed out and drove back home. There, I walked in on my fiancé and his friends. They were in a heated and almost violent argument over which CSI is the best. The wedding's next month. FML

By It's CSI Miami - 24/6/2015 04:16 - United States - San Francisco

24595

6171

Today, my daughter fell asleep early, so my husband and I decided to get frisky. He passed out mid blow job. FML

By ThreeWeeksWithoutSex - 28/12/2016 05:43 - United States - San Francisco

24179

2847

Today, I realized that something's wrong when you have to go to a mental hospital for a family reunion. FML

By neverthesame - 29/3/2012 02:53 - United States - Shelbyville

29395

2146

Today, my co-worker told me that I need to quit smoking because it was making me look and smell horrible. I've never smoked in my life. FML

By Mattrd - 5/2/2013 00:42 - United States

32599

3909

Today, I asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He smiled broadly and said "A porn star!" FML

By cahsecuel - 14/8/2014 20:44 - France - Grisolles

43473

7094

Today, my teenage son taught my five-year-old daughter how to fake her own death. I walked into the kitchen today to find her lying still on the floor, covered in ketchup. She laughed when I began to scream. FML

By Nightmare - 15/1/2013 14:41

45936

4718

Today, my mother-in-law asked if she could move in with us. FML

By anonymous - 27/1/2012 15:26 - United States

39512

2969

Today, I was buried in texts from two of my bridesmaids about how much they hated their dresses. Dresses they helped pick. I can either be a bridezilla, put up with this for 4 more months, or ruin two friendships. FML

By Anonymous - 17/6/2016 07:04 - United States - Bellingham

13628

1165

Today, I found out the girl my boyfriend was seeing just before me, is pregnant... FML

By Toooldforthisshit - 9/12/2018 11:30 - United States - New London

2938

223

Today, a guy told me I was hot and that I should give him a chance. When I told him I was straight, he instantly called me a bigot. FML

By Anonymous - 13/5/2017 12:00

5413

376

Today, my girlfriend told me on facebook to stop calling/texting her because she lost her phone. Right under her post was "sent from facebook for iPhone." FML

By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 02:25 - United States

42334

4633

Today, I'm on the last day of my honeymoon in Ireland. My wife and I have an amazing hotel room and a huge bed. She's passed out drunk and if I even touch her, she needs the bucket next to our bed. So much for finishing our week on a "fun" note. FML

By superman21 - 28/9/2014 22:55 - Ireland

34190

6526

Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark obnoxiously. He does this all the time so I ignored it and kept going. This went on for about a half hour. When I went downstairs, I found an open door and an empty TV stand. FML

By trainE - 30/3/2009 02:08 - United States

22275

94337

Today, I'm at my grandparents' house to help clear snow. I was making a path to the driveway by pushing the snow out of the way. I saw a big pile and went to kick it really hard. Alas, it was a step. FML

By Snowtoe - 14/1/2017 14:00

6356

3092

Today, I was at a choir convention, and everyone sings the national anthem outside their rooms each night. I was not informed and took a shower. My roommates opened the door, yanked me out, and locked me out of the room to sing wearing just a towel. The guy down the hall was video taping it. FML

By TowelSinger - 12/2/2012 08:07

26345

4168

Today, as my girlfriend and I were making out, I slowly took my clothes off and revealed my body to her for the first time. She looked, smiled, and said reassuringly, "Aww, don't worry. I know how it's supposed to look." FML

By whatswrongwithit?:( - 30/9/2012 19:37 - United States - Chicago

33296

3587

Today, I arranged a romantic dinner for my boyfriend. His favourite meal, fresh flowers, scented candles. Everything went beautifully, at least until he wrapped an arm around me and whispered, "Want some dick?" into my ear. Mood horrifically ruined. FML

By dating a manchild - 1/6/2012 23:50 - Denmark - Hellerup

34692

7306

Today, after five long years of having been together, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to take our relationship to the "next level". We now have a Sims relationship. FML

By Anonymous - 23/9/2011 22:24 - Germany

33641

4933

Today, while having a break up fight with my fiancée, she informed me that the paternity of our unborn child was in question because one of the other guys couldn't remember if he got off or not. FML

By Anonymous - 20/8/2018 00:00 - United States

3326

230

Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs. Suspecting the worst, I jumped out of bed, and whispered over my shoulder for my girlfriend to stay quiet. Only after going downstairs and taking a swing in the dark with my bat did I figure out it was just my girlfriend foraging for snacks. FML

By Zack - 1/4/2012 21:36 - United States - Duncannon

11691

26373

Today, it's Saturday. While all my friends go out to have fun, I get my excitement thinking about how I'll be sleeping with a new pillow. FML

By soy_un_perderdor - 13/12/2009 07:14 - United States

28623

6739

Today, my roommates adopted two kittens without consulting me. We're not allowed to have pets in our apartment and I'm severely allergic to cats. Oh well, it's not like I needed to be able to breathe this summer. FML

By milksquad - 17/7/2017 14:11

4114

316

Today, I woke up to a brand new password on my phone that only my wife knows. Apparently, she thinks I've been looking at my phone more than I've been talking to her lately. FML

By LockedOut - 2/11/2013 06:27 - United States

27924

47196

Today, I realized that the bird I supposedly heard during the night throughout my childhood is actually the sound my mom makes when she comes. FML

By Heather - 12/11/2012 21:20 - United States - Bethesda

44969

3192

Today, I was carrying several bags of groceries up the stairs to my 3rd story apartment when I saw a giant rat climbing down the wall towards me. I screamed and dropped my groceries, which went over the rail and landed on the bottom floor, destroying them all. The rat? Just a big leaf. FML

By n_london - 12/10/2009 20:19 - United States

11696

35797

Today, I burned my nose. How? I tried sniffing a lit candle. FML

By Anonymous - 26/6/2012 05:44 - United States

8174

52222

Today, after extensively researching how to properly use in text citations out of fear of my professor reporting me for citing my quotes incorrectly. She reported me instead for forgetting quotation marks on three of my proudly and properly cited quotes. FML

By Annoyed student - 29/4/2017 04:00

4703

1500

Today, I cleaned up my brother's room, since he's moved out. Under the bed I found a Doritos bag full of used condoms. FML

By the_lonely_life - 27/6/2013 01:02 - United States

63955

7016

Today, a customer gave me the dirtiest look ever and muttered "goody two-shoes prick" after I asked if he'd like to donate a few cents to charity. FML

By well scrooge you too - 26/12/2015 04:24 - United States - North Myrtle Beach

20530

1781

Today, my neighbour was practicing his opera singing, drunk. FML

By Thesuz - 6/9/2013 03:27 - Canada - Edmonton

36554

3305

Today, I took a nap. My boyfriend took this opportunity to go over to his "beautiful" and "amazing" ex-girlfriend's house to help her clean out her pool. I told him I didn't think that was appropriate. He told me I don't value relationships and didn't come home tonight. FML

By bev_rogan - 21/6/2015 10:16 - United States - New Castle

26923

2553

Today, when my boyfriend came to bed, I rolled over and watched as he used his pinky to clean out both nostrils, then eat it what he found. He’s almost 25. FML

By Anonymous - 17/7/2019 22:00

1615

263

Today, I went to a trampoline park and jumped into an adult-area foam pit that apparently used to be for children. I guess it never occurred to them to change the depth of it, as I now have a fractured ankle. FML

By anonymous - 26/5/2016 00:34 - United States - Rio Rancho

11070

1341

Today, I was at the store buying some feminine products. At the cash register, the clerk said to me "Dude, you know those are for girls right?" I am a 30 year old woman. FML

By secretdeo - 24/8/2009 04:48 - United States

50348

5325

Today, I finally had sex with a coworker I’d been flirting with for nearly 2 and half years. The sex lasted less than 2 and a half minutes. FML

By letdown - 19/7/2020 14:01

Great timing

1391

629

Today, I flew cross-country to see my girlfriend of three years. Once I got there, she broke up with me. I was supposed to be staying for a month and now I have nowhere to go. FML

By oh. - 15/12/2019 14:00 - United States

Proof of love

2372

146