Love: Today, I was texting my boyfriend. He continued to tell me how...

By Cow_girl_cutie - United States

Today, I was texting my boyfriend. He continued to tell me how he had to piss. We carried on this conversation for about 10 minutes, then I realized that was the most interesting conversation I have had with him in weeks. FML

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Love

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Open season

The geyser

By GetHardOrGoHome - United States - Chardon

Today, I visited my gynecologist. As she had her fingers inside me she decided that was the perfect time to say, "I absolutely love your socks!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I am taking a 16 hour flight. Five minutes in, the lady on one side has clipped her toenails onto me and the guy on the other side has the most horrific gas I have ever smelled. To help this problem he bought a cheese plate from the stewardess. 15 hours and 55 minutes to go. FML

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By not_dead_yet - United States

Today, it was my first big time art show. To celebrate I went out to lunch with some people who's work was also there. When we got back police were every where. Someone had broken and stolen all of the art. All except mine. Even burglars don't want my art. FML

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By sadlife

Today, I changed my Facebook relationship status to "In a relationship". The girl is made up and the picture is from Google. FML

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13502

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By bitten - United States

Today, I got bitten by my aunt's dog. My brother was holding the leash. He said he didn't pull the dog away from me because he didn't want to rip my shirt. Meanwhile, the dog was biting a penny-sized chunk out of my hip. FML

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By Venus

Today, despite the fact that I live with my parents and pay rent, my mom decided the best spot for my brother, his wife and one-year-old son was my bedroom. So I'm sleeping on the couch, because it would, "take too long to clean her room." FML

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2007

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By wtfdreams - United States

Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML

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By davy0540 - United States

Today, my wife and I drove two hours from our rural town to buy a new sofa. When we got home, it took us an hour to figure out there was no way to fit it through our door. We made the two hour drive back to return it, only to find the store was closed. FML

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By screw_this27

Today, I received a book about sailboats. I'd ordered a book about makeup. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Southfield

Today, the person I've been trying so hard to get with wrote me a beautiful poem that almost everyone at my school saw and liked. It was about how we'd never be together. FML

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By daniella101 - United States - Lacombe

Today, my boyfriend finally met my brother. He arrested him for drunk driving. FML

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29149

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By wtfguys - United States

Today, I got back from a weekend at my best friend's house. Apparently, he and his friend invented a new game. It involves sticking duct tape to their pubic hairs, ripping them out, and sticking as many as possible on my face and body before I wake up. FML

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By Ginger - United States

Today, I realized it's been 5 days since my boyfriend last answered the phone when I called. Two weeks ago, he told me he used to break up with his girlfriends in a very juvenile way. He doesn't answer their phone calls. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was locked out of my house. As I was about to knock on the window to ask my girlfriend to let me in, I saw her on the sofa, digging a huge booger out of her nose and eating it. FML

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By SG - United States

Today, I was fooling around with my husband on the bed. I was excited as he lifted my arms up in a seductive way, only to roll deodorant under my armpits. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was walking into my apartment building, a douchebag leaned out his truck window and yelled, "HOW MUCH FOR A BJ?" He then pulled into a spot near my car. Apparently I have a charming new neighbor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend compared my hair color to hers. Also, she braided my hair (two pieces) with hers (one piece). I asked her why and she finally broke down and told me. She has lice and didn't want to be the only one. FML

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62677

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By kp - United States

Today, my mom called me a druggie after she found out I smoked weed once. She's now threatening to sell my car, tell my boss, and ban me from seeing my fiancée. I'm 24. FML

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27152

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By lessinterestingthanadog - United States

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing to my home for the first time. He spent over an hour talking to my twelve-year-old dog. Occasionally he would look up to ask me a question, but when I answered he would just continue talking to the dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, just as I was putting my contacts in, a gnat landed on it. Its guts got squished between my eyeball and the contact. FML

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By apple - Netherlands

Today, it's my 18th birthday. I was telling my friends a story when my mom started talking. I simply said 'Mom...' so she'd realize she interrupted me. She gave me the finger and called me rude in front of all my friends. FML

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By unwanted - Australia

Today, my parents fought over who gets the dog when they divorce. Nothing has been said about where my brother and I will live when they split. FML

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By crazyman. - United States - Keller

TMI

Today, my fiancé got drunk at our wedding reception and announced to his and my family what we do in bed. And it was pretty detailed. FML

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32551

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By Seanzy - United States

Today, the girl I've had a crush on forever asked me why the pin on my Letterman jacket had two guys doing it. I told her it was for participating in a wrestling tournament. And she responded, "Oh I thought you were finally coming out of the closet!" FML

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By he wasn't even playing - Australia - Corrimal

Today, my boyfriend told me he wouldn't be able to cover his share of the rent because he didn't work during the week, saying business has been slow. I checked and found out he called in sick four times. He wanted to stay home and watch online gaming matches. FML

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By 2234 - United States

Today, I was tossing my car keys into the air and catching them. I threw them up really high, only to have them land in the branches of the palm tree outside my door, at the very top. FML

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8308

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By fastfingers409 - United States

Today, at a concert, I noticed a cute keytarist in one of the bands. After they got off stage, I asked their bass player if she was single. He replied, "actually, she's married," holding up his left hand, he continued, "to me." FML

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25459

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By blank - United States

Today, my girlfriend left for basic training. I went to say goodbye to her at the airport. Only after I walked back to my car did I realize that she still had the keys. My extra set was back at the house, locked in. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2020 08:00

Rules are rules

Today, as I was leaving a night shift at McDonald’s, a woman wanted to use the toilets. I explained our doors didn’t open until 7 a.m. now due to COVID-19. She wouldn’t take no for an answer and as I went to walk off, I got a swift knee in the nuts for my troubles. FML

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1687

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By bananapie69 - 10/4/2020 20:00

Social distancing gone wrong

Today, waiting in the deli line at the store, a woman stood directly next to me. I panicked and tried to move back to get a 6-foot distance, but in my panic I didn’t realize there was a stand behind me. I almost fell over, so I gasped super loud. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy. FML

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By stifledbyyou - United States

Today, while I was working at McDonald's, a man and his wife ordered a Sundae. I gave the guy his sundae and realized I'd forgotten something. I said, "One second sir. Let me grab your nuts." I realized what I said when his wife gave me the death glare. FML

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By nickthetank - Canada

Today, I got circumcised by my girlfriend's braces. FML

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58783

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By SadBride - United States

Today, my in-laws decided they were going to stay an extra week during our vacation to Dominican Republic next year. This would be fine, if we weren't travelling for our destination wedding, and the extra week wasn't our honeymoon. They are literally joining us on our honeymoon. FML

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By CrappyValentine - Netherlands

Today, I tried convincing my Valentine-hating boyfriend to send me a card, by explaining how important it is to me. He finally agreed and sent me a card. I opened it up, and it wished me 'harmony and well-being on Lupercalia'. What is Lupercalia? It's an ancient Roman festival where men run down the street naked, whipping people with goat skins to encourage fertility. FML

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By Alone - United States - Chapel Hill

Today, my girlfriend found a letter I'd written to myself for moral support while we were broken up, in which I explained why we would never work out. Apparently I made a convincing argument. FML

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40206

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2020 17:02 - United States - New York

NYC public transport

Today, there was a pretty girl sitting near me on the train home. I thought about asking for her number. Instead, a drunk nitwit decides to wander about the car and comes very close to touching her. She got up and moved to the other end, while I had to deal with a belligerent hobo who was now intent on fighting me. FML

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742

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By notevencatnipworks

Today, as every day for the past three weeks, my girlfriend's cat kept us up from 3:30am crying nonstop. We've tried everything, and even exiled my well-behaved cat to keep him company. Now she cries because she feels she's being punished. Starting around 4am. FML

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1992

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By LadyJane - France

Today, at a rehearsal, a friend poked me: "My mother is in the orchestra, guess who she is!" I jokingly answer: "Erm…The fat singer?". It was. FML

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10161

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By Hello my name is - United Kingdom

Today, I went round to my Grandparents' to help set up their new Satellite TV. When I turned it on, for some reason it defaulted to "Arab Babes TV". I was therefore inadvertently responsible for the broadcast of porn in my Grandparents' living room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my sister's wedding. Everything was going flawlessly. That is, until our visibly drunk mom started a punch-up over who got to cut the cake first. FML

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Top comments

By YaboyVinnie | 21

#3030742 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:51

Just tell him to piss off.

By flockz | 19

#3030748 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:52

dude shit stories are way more interesting trust me

"oh ya i gotta take a massive shi- AGGGGGHHHHH ya its very relieving"

COMMENTS

By Rando77 | 0

#3030715 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:48

Are you pissed?

eminemchick | 19

#3030751 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:52

at least he's not full of shit!:)

dolphincheddar | 10

#3030773 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:55

Let the man piss for gods sake

Lstands4LOSER | 0

#3030785 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:57

I hate it when an FML is about pissing, some douche ruins it by saying "That's a shitty situation".

iLOLatURpain69 | 7

#3030794 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:59

Thats a shitty situation.

mynameis1339 | 0

#3030911 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 19:28

(YAWN)

JoeTheMan12 | 0

#3031013 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 19:42

why would you tell someone about your pee?

Kingcc | 0

#3031017 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 19:44

you guys are punny :)

King_Samuel29 | 4

#3031034 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 19:46

27, you'd br surprised

mollykatelynch | 11

#3031185 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 20:06

...at least he didnt pee inside you while you two were being intiment.. O_o

dolphincheddar | 10

#3031210 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 20:10

Everyone prank call 35s number on her profile. Never leave a number it won't end well

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3031289 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 20:24

36- She basically put her whole government up.

By MrHartmann_fml | 0

#3030722 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:49

at least you have something to talk abou.

Bakayarou_fml | 0

#3030852 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 19:14

Bakayarou_fml | 0

#3032092 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:48

Only the most awesome beast around :D

chuckychan | 8

#3035521 - Thursday 4 August 2011 7:42

talking shit is even better

By 69_jackson_69 | 0

#3030738 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:50

Boomski.

By YaboyVinnie | 21

#3030742 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:51

Just tell him to piss off.

itsbritneybixchh | 0

#3036149 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:28

Literally.
(;

dcea | 17

#6709506 - Saturday 5 November 2016 0:00

best. comment. ever.

By flockz | 19

#3030748 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:52

dude shit stories are way more interesting trust me

"oh ya i gotta take a massive shi- AGGGGGHHHHH ya its very relieving"

_cassandra__fml | 4

#3031902 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:25

I'm sure your girlfriend would appreciate that. Oh wait...

flockz | 19

#3033181 - Thursday 4 August 2011 1:12

haha you have no sense of humor then. my girlfriend have had many conversations like that and we dont give a shit.(no pun intended) so go back under your troll bridge before i smack you. actually no then my hand would smell funny.