Today, I was texting my boyfriend. He continued to tell me how...

By Cow_girl_cutie - 3/8/2011 07:47 - United States

Today, I was texting my boyfriend. He continued to tell me how he had to piss. We carried on this conversation for about 10 minutes, then I realized that was the most interesting conversation I have had with him in weeks. FML

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Love

Doomed

Alternative medicine is bull

Bad news

By Anonymous - 7/10/2019 12:01

Balls up

Today, I woke up at 2 p.m. to realise I'd slept through all of my alarms and missed my really big presentation at university, all because I was up most of the night with food poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2020 02:01

Lazy comeback

Today, I was doing my job and trying to teach a lazy bunch of 16-year-olds. A girl entered the room just 15 minutes before class ended, so I snapped, "Someone had better have died for you to be this late!" She immediately burst into tears. Turns out, someone had. FML

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By are you kidding me - 20/10/2014 04:53 - United States - Wichita

Today, I showed up to work and my boss was nowhere to be found. A phone call later, I find out he's in Dubai. Oh, and since I'm his personal assistant, I should be able to take care of matters until he gets back. I've only been his assistant for a week. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2013 12:02 - United States - Belmont

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because he didn't trust himself not to cheat on me. What? FML

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By mperrotta913 - 21/5/2010 15:46 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job, which was great, until she started saying "milk the penis... miiiiilk the penis." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2015 21:26 - United States - Moorpark

Today, some popped-collar wearing shitbird tried to pick me up with the line, "You look like Marilyn Monroe's corpse! Wanna fuck?" FML

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By reckless - 17/7/2010 19:34 - Canada

Today, my dad found my "list". 32 guys, 4 girls. Colour coded as to who I would sleep with again and who I wouldn't, who were virgins, etc. He complimented me on my "organizational skills." FML

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By Auston - 17/7/2011 05:16 - United States

Today, at work, our team started a new sales strategy of selling flowers to men by asking them to buy one for their lovely ladies. The first guy I ask ends up crying and telling me his wife passed away a week ago. The woman with him was actually his sister. FML

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By chee - 11/2/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I told my mom, "I love you". She responded with, "What? I never told you I loved you." FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2010 21:40 - United States

Today, I was forced to spend an extra $318 for another plane ticket to Dallas. The ticket wasn't for my daughter, my mom, or my sister, but for the quarter of my butt that apparently needs its own seat. FML

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By Jobless - 28/3/2020 14:00

The Times They Are a-Changin'

Today, I woke up early, felt very energetic, decided to run a couple of miles and bought muffins for my colleagues on my way to the office. Then my boss told me they're shutting us down. At the end of a day that started really great, I'm jobless. FML

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By heatherjo - 2/11/2011 04:49 - United States

Today, my fiancé decided he wants to buy an engagement ring for his mother, so that she doesn't feel left out. FML

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By Noname - 20/2/2009 00:17 - United States

Today, in class my friend played a joke on me by pulling my seat from under me while i was about to sit. I fell and everybody laughed at me. During the next class, I did the same thing to him. He broke his arm. He was the star of the basketball team. Nobody laughed. FML

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By sunitgir - 21/10/2019 06:00

Gordon Ramsey is furious

Today, my mother decided to cook dinner for us and used rice that she had in her cupboard. While helping out, I stirred the dish and noticed black flecks. Turns out they were rice weevils. She tried to convince me it was "burnt garlic" and served it to the rest of the family. FML

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By John - 7/11/2009 21:45 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 6 years. She said no. Why? She's already married. FML

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By CouldBeALoser - 17/9/2016 18:26 - United States - West Tehama County

Today, I ordered flowers to be delivered to my workplace on Tuesday. To myself. For my birthday. Because even though birthdays are posted in the monthly newsletter, mine gets left out every year. For the past four years. FML

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By ghoul - 8/3/2011 11:32

Today, I found a dead squirrel under my son's bed. Apparently, he has been keeping it there as a "pet" for the past week. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2012 03:58 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, feeling angry at the world, I threw a bottle, that had been clearly marked to be recycled, into a garbage can as an act of defiance. Minutes later, I guiltily retreated and spent the next few minutes with my entire arm stuck up the stinking ass of a city garbage can. FML

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By kitty - 11/11/2012 10:10 - Australia

Today, I watched my neighbor shake cat food calling, "Come here Mollie" at his back door. I then saw my own cat run into his house. I now know why my cat is so fat and never replies to me calling her Bonnie. I guess I'm being cheated on. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2016 03:18 - United States

Today, I found out the friend I signed a lease with is actually a wanted drug dealer. I only found this out after the police kicked in the door at 5am and raided our house. FML

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By Elgrin - 17/6/2016 18:03 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I woke up to something crawling on my leg. Thinking it might be a spider, I jumped out frantically to check. The good news: it's not a spider. The bad news: it's a bedbug. My apartment was just treated for them. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2015 15:20 - United States

Today, just as I was putting my contacts in, a gnat landed on it. Its guts got squished between my eyeball and the contact. FML

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By SCREWED - 15/7/2011 06:25 - United States

Today, I came home to my mom dancing the hustle naked. With a group of 4 friends. FML

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By ditched - 6/8/2014 03:35 - United States - Ashland

Today, I found out my co-workers don't actually like me when they changed the hangout spot after accidentally inviting me. FML

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By foreveralone - 23/6/2013 14:42 - United States

Today, it was the second anniversary of the day I met my girlfriend. I had to go to work, but I set an engagement ring and a letter on my pillow for when she woke up, and left breakfast for her on the counter. When I got home, she and all of her things were gone. FML

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By DrGas - 4/9/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, while giving a lecture about gases to a large chemistry class, I went outside to let loose an unusualy loud fart while they took some notes. I came back in only to see 300 students dying of laughter. I had left the wireless mic on. FML

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By wtf - 8/3/2012 09:03 - United States

Today, I was jamming out and playing some air guitar. I somehow managed to knee myself directly in my left eye socket. I now have a hideously swollen face and a black eye. When people ask me what happened, I'll be hesitant to tell the truth. FML

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By airborne - 6/5/2009 01:11 - United States

Today, I saw someone drive recklessly as if they were drunk. When I called the cops, I got pulled over by another cop for talking on my cell phone. FML

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By whoops.. - 16/1/2015 03:15 - United States - Garner

Today, I learned that when a man in the row in front of you at a movie theater tells you to shut up, you shouldn't tell him to fuck off. He might be 6'4 with a short temper. FML

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By shortiem - 6/3/2010 05:14 - United States

Today, my dorm had a mandatory meeting about body image. I went to the meeting and left feeling all good about myself. As soon as I got back to my room, my favorite jeans ripped right across my butt. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2013 16:49 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I found out that when I text my boyfriend, he isn't the one to read them. Instead, he pays his friend to "keep the bitch busy." FML

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By Username - 9/2/2011 03:27

Today, I got mugged. But luckily I had on my keyring the pepper spray that my husband had insisted I keep with me. Unlucky for me, my husband's co-worker, who borrowed my keys, emptied my pepper by spraying it on a brick wall one day when he was bored. FML

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By Jack - 9/8/2016 00:23 - United States - Asheville

Today, my mom said, "I'm sorry your life is such shit." She meant it as an apology. FML

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By Ouch - 20/5/2012 04:06 - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, I tried to beat my dad to the car. I jumped over the steel cables in the parking structure and hit my head on a metal pipe, then bounced off the wires, and onto my back on the pavement. Good thing we were already at the hospital to visit my sick mother. FML

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By Unsuspecting - 16/4/2016 12:23 - United States

Today, I started my period almost a week earlier than I expected to. I also happened to be at the beach with a guy that I really liked when it started. He was the one who noticed, and he informed me by saying that we couldn't go back in the water or we would be eaten by sharks. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2011 15:53 - United States

Today, campus security called me to let me know a lawnmower crashed into my car. Apparently the guy mowing the lawn lost control. My car wasn't parked by any grass. I need a new bumper. FML

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By neveragain - 12/2/2016 19:10 - United Kingdom - Byfleet

Today, I ended up in the ER because I ruptured a testicle by accidentally sitting on it. Last time I ever go commando. FML

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By - 17/11/2008 08:53 - France

Today, my 10-year-old brother won the poem contest at his school. Since then he won’t stop bugging me with them. FML

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By Dejected - 7/12/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, I finally got a hold of my husband who I haven't actually talked to in 2 and 1/2 weeks since he is deployed and it's hard to chat. He told me he couldn't talk because he was in an epic battle, in Call of Duty. FML

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By badDriver - 28/11/2009 21:37 - United States

Today, I hit a parked car. It happened to be my driving instructor's car. While he was instructing me, sitting in the passenger seat. I don't think I'll pass. FML

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Top comments

By YaboyVinnie | 20

#3030742 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:51

Just tell him to piss off.

By flockz | 19

#3030748 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:52

dude shit stories are way more interesting trust me

"oh ya i gotta take a massive shi- AGGGGGHHHHH ya its very relieving"

COMMENTS

By Rando77 | 0

#3030715 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:48

Are you pissed?

eminemchick | 19

#3030751 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:52

at least he's not full of shit!:)

dolphincheddar | 10

#3030773 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:55

Let the man piss for gods sake

Lstands4LOSER | 0

#3030785 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:57

I hate it when an FML is about pissing, some douche ruins it by saying "That's a shitty situation".

iLOLatURpain69 | 7

#3030794 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:59

Thats a shitty situation.

mynameis1339 | 0

#3030911 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 19:28

(YAWN)

JoeTheMan12 | 0

#3031013 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 19:42

why would you tell someone about your pee?

Kingcc | 0

#3031017 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 19:44

you guys are punny :)

King_Samuel29 | 4

#3031034 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 19:46

27, you'd br surprised

mollykatelynch | 11

#3031185 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 20:06

...at least he didnt pee inside you while you two were being intiment.. O_o

dolphincheddar | 10

#3031210 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 20:10

Everyone prank call 35s number on her profile. Never leave a number it won't end well

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3031289 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 20:24

36- She basically put her whole government up.

By MrHartmann_fml | 0

#3030722 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:49

at least you have something to talk abou.

Bakayarou_fml | 0

#3030852 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 19:14

Bakayarou_fml | 0

#3032092 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:48

Only the most awesome beast around :D

chuckychan | 8

#3035521 - Thursday 4 August 2011 7:42

talking shit is even better

By 69_jackson_69 | 0

#3030738 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:50

Boomski.

By YaboyVinnie | 20

#3030742 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:51

Just tell him to piss off.

itsbritneybixchh | 0

#3036149 - Thursday 4 August 2011 9:28

Literally.
(;

dcea | 17

#6709506 - Saturday 5 November 2016 0:00

best. comment. ever.

By flockz | 19

#3030748 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:52

dude shit stories are way more interesting trust me

"oh ya i gotta take a massive shi- AGGGGGHHHHH ya its very relieving"

_cassandra__fml | 4

#3031902 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:25

I'm sure your girlfriend would appreciate that. Oh wait...

flockz | 19

#3033181 - Thursday 4 August 2011 1:12

haha you have no sense of humor then. my girlfriend have had many conversations like that and we dont give a shit.(no pun intended) so go back under your troll bridge before i smack you. actually no then my hand would smell funny.