Kids: Today, I was teaching a swimming lesson to 6-7 year old boys... - FML

By superfkd - Canada

Today, I was teaching a swimming lesson to 6-7 year old boys and girls. I recently broke up with my boyfriend so I haven't been taking care of my bikini line. While I was demonstrating how to do a whip-kick out of the water one of the boys said, "You have a beard coming out of your bathing suit!" FML

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Family values

Dicks aplenty!

Persona non grata

By Tyler - United States

Today, I went to the mall with my girlfriend to buy some new clothes, and I turned around to give her a quick kiss. My lips were half-way to "her" face when I saw instead the face of another lady. She slapped me. My girlfriend was standing next to me, very pissed off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed my house smells a lot like my grandma's. Not because we use the same cleaning products or anything like that, but because I'm slowly turning into a crazy cat lady. FML

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By anon13 - United States

Today, at a family Seder, (a Jewish service for Passover), my mom served matzah balls during the festive meal. Considering how much I love matzah balls and there aren't many options for me to eat because I'm a vegetarian, I shouted, "I like really big balls!" in front of my entire family. FML

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By wdunn69733 - United States - Macon

Today, my 14-year-old step-daughter announced that she is 4 months pregnant. The father is my 15-year-old son. FML

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By babysitter93 - United States

Today, I was fired from the babysitting job I have had for 2 years. I thought maybe the mother had found out that I sometimes let her kids stay up late and have extra sweets. The real reason, as she told me, was that she didn't want her kids loving anyone more than they love her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to convince my nine year-old brother to stop using my biology textbook as a masturbatory aid so I could actually get some studying done. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as a joke, my friends plastic wrapped me to my bed while I was sleeping, I had an allergic reaction to the plastic and had to have the girl I like come cut me out and give me my meds. I sleep naked and was unable to put on clothes during this time. She saw me naked, swollen and with hives. FML

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By nerd_man01 - United States

Today, my younger brother, who is 15, had to show me the quickest way to take off a woman's bra. I'm 12 years older than he is. FML

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By meagainsttheworld - United States

Today, while filling out some medical forms, I was asked for an emergency contact. I realized I didn't have anyone who would actually care enough to be my contact. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Eagle River

Today, four days after moving into my new house, I woke up to a guy yelling "Fuck you, Claire" followed by a brick smashing through my living room window. Now I know why Claire was so eager to finalize the sale. FML

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By FUCKING POWER - United States - Wixom

Today, there was a power outage at my apartment. I ended up deciding that the power wasn't going to come on any time soon, and that I should go to a hotel for the night. Just after I unpacked at the hotel, my neighbor called to say the power had come back. FML

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By DirtyCharmed - United States

Today, I'm very ill. My throat and glands are so swollen that whenever I fall asleep, I relax too much and cut off my own air. The doctor said it's a viral infection and there's nothing they can give me, so I can choose between trying to kill myself by sleeping or staying awake for the next few days. FML

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By kekumbas - United States

Today, 5 hours into my shift in a cafe I realized there were two stickers on my back that read: "Don't touch my no-no square" and "I wear diapers." I make food with my back to customers all day and I walk through the seating area delivering food. No one said anything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Durham

Today, I fell down a hill out of my hammock, which broke my phone screen and my sunglasses. My idiot brother launched me out of it, so he could "assert his dominance." He's 11. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bend

Today, I had a feminine emergency. After scrounging up 4 quarters to use the machine in the women's bathroom, it dispensed a diaper. FML

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By Lost5dollars - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up to a bunch of missed calls from a number I didn't know. I had called an Uber in my sleep. They charged a cancellation fee. FML

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By Christopher - Canada

Today, the elevator got stuck in between floor 4 and 5 at my doctors office. I had been having violent diarrhea. It was the reason I was at the doctor. Elevator was stuck for 35 minutes. During that time, I diarrhea'd in my pants twice. There were seven other people in the elevator. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Riverside

Today, I got a text from a guy I hooked up with. I'm not really interested in him, so I rushed out of his house last night. He was letting me know I left my wallet at his house, and if I want it, I'll have to let him take me to dinner. FML

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By sucker - United States - Duluth

Alexa, play "I'm Not In Love" by 10CC

Today, I went on a date I was really enjoying. My ex-boyfriend called halfway through. When I answered, he told me he wanted to get back together and couldn’t stop thinking about me. I didn’t realize my phone was on speaker. My date heard everything. FML

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By cupcakemonsteryu - France

Today, I found out that the man I met online was a fake Facebook account, made by my daughter and her friends. FML

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By Sadness - United States - Atlanta

Today, I have been home sick and depressed for so long that I just found Oreo crumbs in my belly button. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Revere

Today, my brother set me up on a blind date. I've been single for years and he said she was a perfect match for me, so I was excited. Turned out the fucker was playing a prank. The girl was my sister, who was just as surprised as I was. FML

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By my arms hurt - United States - San Diego

Phone holder

Today, I had to sit in between two boys on a two-hour bus ride. They were watching a movie and each of them had shared an earphone. They made me hold the phone up so both of them could see the screen. FML

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By anonymous - Czech Republic

Today, my boyfriend, who is rather large, picked me up to give me a hug, and some over-eager security guard actually pointed his tazer at him and told him to put me down. So he put me down and tried to ask what he'd done wrong. The bastard tazed him for acting aggressively. FML

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By inked - United States

Today, I showed off my new tattoo to my friends. Too bad it says "Walk Earless" now instead of "Walk Fearless." That's right, I'm now supporting Van Gogh. FML

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By - France

Today, I am spending new year absolutely alone. My girlfriend canceled our plans the day before so she could spend it with alcohol and strangers. Somehow, I still love her. FML

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By Jessie - United States

Today, I drove to a party after getting my car back from the shop. A thunderstorm started as I made my way there and upon arriving, the power went out. The guests decided to watch the storm from the front windows when someone mentioned how funny it would be if a tree fell on my car. Seconds later, one did. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Amarillo

Today, my dog overturned and ate my trash, leaving coffee grounds and dog puke all over my floor. She also ate the broom. FML

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By Chef stupid - United States - Houston

Today, while working at a fine-dining restaurant, I was dicing veggies. I was paying such close attention to make sure the veggies were all the same size, that I managed to cut off the tip of my thumb. FML

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By j - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because of my drunken antics. My reaction? Pour myself a stiff drink. FML

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By sunshine

Today, I saw my uncle after six months. The first thing he says to me is, 'I didn't even recognize you! You've gained so much weight.' Gee thanks uncle. Just what I wanted to hear. FML

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By ugadawgs09 - United States

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I heard a notification on my iPhone. I thought nothing of it until we were done, and then I checked it out. My mom had posted on my Facebook, telling me that if I didn't keep it down, she was going to come up to my room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my husband and I locked our keys in the car. Our only spare is in the drawer with all our sex toys. So we either had to get our oldest go in the drawer and get them to bring to us or walk the 12 miles home. My feet will never recover from that walk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friends and I went to the beach and we were tanning when I suddenly saw 10 roses floating in the ocean. I went around to pick up all the roses and threw the petals at my friends. Then I notice a big boat of people in black and white were looking at me with disgust. It was a funeral. FML

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By dane - United States

Today, I bought a used car from a friend of mine. After getting the car home and further inspecting it, I found one of my wife's earrings in the backseat. FML

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By 1234 - Canada

Classy

Today, it was my wedding day. I had my butt clenched during the ceremony. I was giving my husband the ring, but dropped it. When I went to retrieve it, I let a huge one rip. My husband yelled, "She likes to eat beans." FML

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By Blah - United States

Today, I was lying in bed throwing a football in the air and catching it. I missed a catch, and the ball hit me between the legs. I shoved my hands down my pants because it hurt, just as my step-dad walked into the room and saw me holding my crotch and moaning. FML

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By EnemyofKarma - Canada

Today, I marched into my workplace yelling "take this job and shove it", under the impression I would be on a flight in a few days out of here. However, the airline has informed me I cannot fly until April because cargo is too cold for my dog this time of year. Jobless, four weeks to wait. FML

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By CatofSteel

Today, my cat cracked my phone screen by sneezing on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - West Hartford

Today, I found out the unionized cleaning people that empty the garbage and clean the toilets make $19/hr and have more paid time off than I do with my college degree. FML

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Top comments

By plethora | 3

#32688 - Sunday 15 March 2009 13:41

Whether you have a boyfriend or not, how do you feel comfortable wearing bathers without fixing your bikini line? I cannot do that.

By ima_krackerr | 0

#32629 - Sunday 15 March 2009 12:05

hahahah.. gotta love kids

COMMENTS

By ima_krackerr | 0

#32629 - Sunday 15 March 2009 12:05

hahahah.. gotta love kids

Reply

PoopTrainDix | 0

#934358 - Thursday 11 March 2010 2:41

that's fuckin awesome!

Reply

fsxman1 | 11

#963966 - Friday 19 March 2010 7:25

that's hot!

Reply

PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#1021127 - Sunday 6 June 2010 3:38

go shave that beard

Reply

violetrider123 | 3

#2240746 - Friday 25 March 2011 17:15

the kid in your profile picture is adorable

Reply

nicoleclark | 0

#3588669 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 10:25

Bearded clam! lol

Reply

MissNicky_fml | 0

#4484871 - Saturday 26 May 2012 17:30

agreed

Reply

monkeyman2772 | 7

#5963609 - Monday 2 June 2014 22:29

aww, cute profile picture

By bellsy | 0

#32635 - Sunday 15 March 2009 12:16

kids say the darndest things =)
haha what was your reaction though??

Reply

yumyumpower | 16

#6110060 - Wednesday 5 November 2014 6:15

What was your reaction

By Emm_fml | 0

#32644 - Sunday 15 March 2009 12:36

Haha Feel kinda sorry for you :)

By Rickytw100 | 0

#32652 - Sunday 15 March 2009 12:52

Wow don't you just love little kids!

By suckerz | 0

#32661 - Sunday 15 March 2009 13:06

I hate it when girls only take care of their hygiene when they are in a relationship... you so deserved that... why shouldn't you take care of your bikini line cuz you broke up with your bf??? that's just gross...

By Tehalon | 0

#32667 - Sunday 15 March 2009 13:23

Bwahahaha, good one!

By cypher_sonic | 0

#32679 - Sunday 15 March 2009 13:32

Let's wait ten years and let's see the kid's reaction when he finally realizes what he's done.

By Art_Vandeley | 0

#32686 - Sunday 15 March 2009 13:39

Eeeeewwwwww

By plethora | 3

#32688 - Sunday 15 March 2009 13:41

Whether you have a boyfriend or not, how do you feel comfortable wearing bathers without fixing your bikini line? I cannot do that.

Reply

badluckalex | 23

#5986005 - Monday 23 June 2014 22:51

so happy I am not a woman!

By zombiepeanut | 0

#32690 - Sunday 15 March 2009 13:44

That sucks!