Miscellaneous: Today, I was talking to my grandpa while he was gardening outside.... - FML

By vw - United States

Today, I was talking to my grandpa while he was gardening outside. Suddenly I feel this hard, salty thing fly into my mouth and I spit it out. It turned out to be a beetle. My grandpa takes one look at the beetle and says, "Well, at least that poor bug finally got you to shut up." FML

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Proactive

It never rains, it pours

The cheek of some people

By Anonymous

Today, I volunteered to help out at an elementary school. I accidentally elbowed a little girl in the face while playing tag. And an hour later, a little boy flew out of his swing because I accidentally pushed him too hard. They're both siblings and are my child psychology instructor's kids. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Madison

Today, I was at the bar. A man started to hit on me. He claims to have a fetish for pregnant women. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to show up early for work and really try to get off my manager's shit-list. On my way to work, my manager called to bitch me out for already being 30 minutes late. Yeah, I forgot about Daylight Savings Time. FML

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By Peachtree

Today, I learned that the super cute guy I've been dating for the last 4 weeks is a total gross slob. His house was like a garbage skip, literally ankle deep in garbage, pizza boxes, old crud, and filth. It stank of cat urine and there was poop residue in his toilet bowl. FML

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By Vee - United States

Beast Mode

Today, my 80lb black lab decided that the moment I start doing pushups is her cue to mount me. FML

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By angry asthmatic - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, we had an emergency lockdown in my gym class. As a result, we had to go into the boys' locker room, so naturally, it smelled like a fart in there. Some dumbass had a "brilliant" idea to spray a WHOLE FUCKING CAN OF AXE SPRAY in the locker room. I have asthma. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Anaheim

Today, I met a really cute girl at a club. At first, she told me I was cute. Then, she slurred that I look like "a spork on legs." Then she sprayed the inside of my mouth with vomit as she kissed me. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Trondheim

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He wants us to stay friends, though, so he can continue to use my coffee maker. FML

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By 21! - United States - Schenectady

Today, while walking around my college campus, I passed by a dorm where a drunk guy was peeing out one of the top floor windows while his drunk friends cheered him on. That guy is my boyfriend. Lucky me. FML

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By Stormy - United States

Today, after a long and tiring day at work, I went to the movies, loaded up on soda, popcorn, and candy. I ended up falling asleep and being woken up two hours later by an usher. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 3 year old daughter decided to put black nail polish over the webcam lens on my laptop because "It wasn't all black, so I decided to fix it." FML

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By potatoebee - United States - Clover

Today, my four-year-old son decided to bite my butt during prayer at church. The entire sanctuary heard me instinctively swear at him. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 09:01

Walked into that one

Today, I stopped by McDonald's with my brother. I asked him what he wanted and I repeated his order. The lady said, "We don't have that here." I stupidly answered, "That's weird. We have it where I come from," and she replied, "Where did you come from honey, 1995?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Eagle Point

Today, my weird neighbor is a conspiracy theorist and thinks the government is trying to kill him. Someone thought it would be funny to shine a red laser light through his window. I was on the stairs when he ran past, screaming bloody murder, sending me down a flight of steps. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2020 14:01

Venmo me

Today, my mother-in-law called to find out how the first week of school went for the kids. She spent most of the call complaining about her husband. I'd like to send her a bill for her trying to use me as a therapist. FML

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By AHHH_REPTAR - United States - Spearfish

Today, while drilling holes in "No Smoking" signs for my job, I gave myself a minor cut that would appear to most as a papercut. I then had to fill out 3 double-sided pages of paperwork. FML

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By dammed - United States

Today, I got a text from my roommate asking me if it was cool that my ex was coming over to console him because he's sick. FML

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By catfish - United States

Today, after class I was chatting with my teacher, a really cool and stylish old black guy. I tell him he reminds me of one of those soul dudes from those 70s movies, right down to the pimp-walk. He tells me he walks that way because he was beaten for drinking out of the wrong fountain as a kid. FML

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By Notadrugdealer

So I got that goin' for me, which is nice...

Today, I was just browsing Facebook when my friend sent me a GoFundMe link. Someone wrote a page saying I killed myself and that we need money for funeral services. People are actually donating to it. FML

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By cheesylad - Australia - Sunnybank

Today, I was alone in the car with my crush. For reasons I will never understand, I put on the song 'Kiss a Girl' by Keith Urban. I could feel her cringing. FML

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By Tallulah - United Kingdom

Today, after eating out with my boyfriend, we went for a drive, but ended up getting into an argument. I reached back to grab my bag and storm out of the car. He thought I was trying to take the restaurant's doggy bag and lunged at me. My boyfriend would rather save chicken than our relationship. FML

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By Mike - United States

Today, I got a call from my son's school saying to pick him up because he'd shat his pants. He's in high school. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my phone under the car seat after three days. I flipped it open ready to issue apologies to everyone who had tried to get in touch with me and I had worried. No missed calls. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a customer complained that one of our cashiers smiles too much. FML

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By FUCK YOU - United States

Today, I put on a porno, trying to unwind after a bad day. 10 minutes in, I was so pissed off with the girl constantly repeating "You like that? Yeah?" and the cameraman's obsession with the guy's asscrack that I started yelling at the screen. Now I'm more stressed than ever. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Greeley

Today, I enlisted in the military. My dad now finds it necessary to act like a drill sergeant. This includes yelling at me everywhere we go to prepare me for basic training. Training begins in four months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, half-way through my trip to Florida, I received a call from my friend of six years. "I sort of had sex with your girlfriend while you were gone." He said it "just sort of happened." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my sister texted me, saying she was about to go into surgery. It's been a long time coming, and we've both been worried about what could happen. I texted "good luck" back. My phone autocorrected it to "goodbye" and I didn't even notice. FML

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By independant - United States - Corvallis

Today, my son turned 18. He now calls me by my first name instead of "dad" and refuses to stop. FML

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By maybe next time? - Australia - Greystanes

Today, I was participating in an activity to join a program which I really wanted to join. One of the teachers in charge seemed to notice my efforts and asked if I wanted to join the program. I said yes, thinking I had a chance. She laughed, shook her head before saying no and walking away. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while fingering my girlfriend in the dark, I tried to be sexy and licked my fingers. After we turned the lights back on, we realized that her period had come early. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I brought my boyfriend of 2 weeks home to meet my mom and she started talking about how she really wants a lot of grand-kids. He called 2 hours later and broke up with me. FML

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By argument invalid?

Today, I got written up and may be placed under suspension due to my recent 5 consecutive day unscheduled absence. When I told them I was on a Bereavement Leave, they still will not accept my excuse because its still considered as "unscheduled". FML

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By levit - United States

Today, I had to tell a girl I liked she couldn't sleep over because I live with my parents. I'm 24. FML

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By bureaucratic assfuckery - United States - Baltimore

Today, I learned that my doctor lost all of my immunization records. I can't start law school without them. FML

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By Fluffy - United States

Today, I had to run a timed mile. I'm terrible at running. During the run, I thought I was doing a good job. That is, until the teacher told me to stop because I was three laps behind everyone else. FML

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By suckstosuck - United States - Dana Point

Sexy talk

Today, I was getting freaky with my boyfriend and told him to spank me. In a seductive voice, he told me not to tell him what to do. Continuing, I asked him how he was going to punish me, to which he then replied, "I'm going to punch you straight in the face." FML

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By SpookyBiscuits

Today, my boss wants to sort people in his contact list by last name, so I showed him how to switch the sorting from first to last. He tried to correct it by writing the first name in the last name spot and vise versa. Now he wants me to go through and change them all back. All 200+ of them. FML

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By dancingqueef - United States - Kingston

Today, my mom told me to break a leg before performing in my dancing school's show. I really did break part of my leg while performing. FML

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By Karma

Karma karma karma karma chameleon, you come and go.

Today, I forgot my phone in a restaurant bathroom because I was too distracted trying to steal three rolls of toilet paper without anyone noticing. After sinking that low because I was too broke to buy my own toilet roll, I'm now also in the market for a new phone. FML

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Top comments

By texashater75 | 16

#4059969 - Monday 20 February 2012 12:00

Maybe you should take that as a hint and quit bugging your grandpa.

By tmd4L | 7

#4060023 - Monday 20 February 2012 12:15

Better than something else hard and salty.

COMMENTS

By texashater75 | 16

#4059969 - Monday 20 February 2012 12:00

Maybe you should take that as a hint and quit bugging your grandpa.

Reply

K_kanaka | 26

#4060078 - Monday 20 February 2012 12:33

I can honestly say that my grandpa would do the exact same thing to me. -__-

Reply

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#4060108 - Monday 20 February 2012 12:43

Pun intended #1?

Reply

mccaincracker | 6

#4060194 - Monday 20 February 2012 13:21

Anyone read it as "then HIS hard salty thing flew Into my mouth", or just me? xD

Reply

Ardos | 3

#4060299 - Monday 20 February 2012 14:11

I see what u did there #1

Reply

buck33 | 14

#4061195 - Monday 20 February 2012 18:08

27 - Just you.

Reply

n_epic_fail | 14

#4062036 - Monday 20 February 2012 20:33

I read hard and salty and thought "op, what the fuck... With grandpa?!"

Reply

jonriise18 | 3

#4062389 - Monday 20 February 2012 21:32

Yea, I thought this was going to a very dark place when it said, "hard salty thing flew in my mouth".

By linkinpark98 | 23

#4059971 - Monday 20 February 2012 12:00

Ah, gotta love grandpas. :)

Reply

leprechaun23 | 15

#4060325 - Monday 20 February 2012 14:19

They say what they think and dont care who hears

Reply

zack11742 | 7

#4060826 - Monday 20 February 2012 16:51

Ya my grandpa would do the same shit

Reply

pslcdsl | 9

#4062105 - Monday 20 February 2012 20:45

Gotta love your pappy :)

By Marcelb | 17

#4059973 - Monday 20 February 2012 12:01

Your grandpa is funny.
And learn to shut up! :P

By Pentium_4 | 26

#4059986 - Monday 20 February 2012 12:03

it's always kind of surprising when an old person says something like that, but they know they can get away with it, which makes it hilarious

By Biglaxboss63 | 0

#4059989 - Monday 20 February 2012 12:04

Maby u were going to say somthin bad so god threw a beatle into ur mouth to make u stop befor embarising anyone

At least it wasnt a vw beatle

Reply

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#4060119 - Monday 20 February 2012 12:47

Which Beatle? You don't have that many choices here. :[ R.I.P. John Lennon & George Harrison.

Reply

bubbywaldo | 0

#4060243 - Monday 20 February 2012 13:42

isn't it difficult and time consuming to intentionally spell every word so horribly?

Reply

breezyblue33 | 19

#4060519 - Monday 20 February 2012 15:46

You need to turn your autocorrect back on. 0__o

Reply

gossipgirl3_fml | 2

#4061300 - Monday 20 February 2012 18:38

*maybe *you *something *beetle *your *you *before *embarrassing *beetle

By bethyc4 | 26

#4059991 - Monday 20 February 2012 12:05

Extra protein ;)

Reply

marinus_fml | 19

#4060182 - Monday 20 February 2012 13:16

Always a good thing!

By Dirty_Minded_FML | 2

#4060001 - Monday 20 February 2012 12:07

Respect your elders. Always

Reply

wittygirl | 8

#4060746 - Monday 20 February 2012 16:28

What jerk would thumb down your comment. When it's true... Damn Commies!

Reply

sjaytee | 6

#4062206 - Monday 20 February 2012 21:00

How was OP disrespecting their elders? Idiot

By tmd4L | 7

#4060023 - Monday 20 February 2012 12:15

Better than something else hard and salty.

Reply

danivolley64 | 10

#4061127 - Monday 20 February 2012 17:52

i thought the same thing xD sorry OP stop buggin ur grandpa

By b0ngs | 7

#4060053 - Monday 20 February 2012 12:20

Your grandpa should appriciate that you're spending time with him. Most kids dont nowadays. But the beetle thing is disgusting

By choshaki | 8

#4060057 - Monday 20 February 2012 12:21

Your grandpa is so cute! Maybe you should consider talking less next time..