Miscellaneous: Today, I was talking to my grandpa while he was gardening outside....

By vw - 20/02/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, I was talking to my grandpa while he was gardening outside. Suddenly I feel this hard, salty thing fly into my mouth and I spit it out. It turned out to be a beetle. My grandpa takes one look at the beetle and says, "Well, at least that poor bug finally got you to shut up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 404

You deserved it 6 475

Miscellaneous

Compromises

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

The Blob

By I Have Failed - 02/04/2014 20:10 - Spain - Madrid

Today, my 14-year-old son's pathetic rebellion came to a head. He ran away from home, leaving a note saying he hates me and was leaving forever to be part of a gang his friends had formed. He came back an hour later crying. His whole gang had gotten mugged, which he somehow blamed me for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 066

You deserved it 6 581

By Anonymous - 12/03/2015 13:43 - United States - Orlando

Today, I had a dream that I was making pancakes. I need to get out more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 644

You deserved it 4 752

By ReComatosed242 - 09/03/2016 00:29 - Bahamas - Eleuthera

Today, my co-worker and I got into an argument. It ended with him threatening me to roll my balls with a paint roller until they looked like "fresh, popping doughs". FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 905

You deserved it 1 387

By yerface - 13/02/2009 03:52 - United States

Today, I told my mom I was excited my boobs were getting bigger. She told me that that's what happens when you get fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 665

You deserved it 8 693

By purpleivy - 06/09/2011 18:53 - United States

Today, after a conference with my teacher who had previously accused me of not doing my homework, she finally discovered she'd been losing it all this time. I've been getting straight Fs for a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 618

You deserved it 2 412

Too much Pornhub

By anouk05 - 15/10/2010 05:13 - Switzerland

Today, my boyfriend told me, "Don't worry, someday you'll be mature as well." By this, he meant that I will be willing to have sex with him in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 723

You deserved it 4 637

By maybe next time? - 14/09/2016 11:57 - Australia - Greystanes

Today, I was participating in an activity to join a program which I really wanted to join. One of the teachers in charge seemed to notice my efforts and asked if I wanted to join the program. I said yes, thinking I had a chance. She laughed, shook her head before saying no and walking away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 464

You deserved it 887

By makayta - 08/10/2016 06:20 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, a coworker asked me how I was because I looked down. I said, "You don't want to know." They replied, "You're right, I don't," and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 766

You deserved it 3 756

By person - 20/09/2015 23:57 - United States - League City

Today, I accidentally fell asleep at work after working a 12-hour shift. Instead of waking me up, my coworkers spiked my coffee mug with whiskey and told my boss I was drunk. My boss wouldn't even listen to my side of the story and fired me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 573

You deserved it 2 964

By ProAwkward - 18/06/2013 04:07 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, as I was walking home, I noticed a man and a woman arguing in their driveway. To avoid an awkward situation, I crossed the street. I then had to walk past a creepy guy watering his plants in his underwear while looking directly at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 733

You deserved it 5 835

By Anonymous - 10/10/2010 09:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to use my epilator on my eyebrows. Needless to say I now have the eyebrow equivalent of a comb-over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 891

You deserved it 27 124

By e.middlechild - 13/06/2009 12:15 - United States

Today, I finally got enough courage to ask out this girl that I've liked for a year. While we were out at lunch, she ran into her ex that she had just broken up with. They then had a long conversation about their relationship, and ended up getting back together. She was my ride home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 366

You deserved it 3 698

By Stupid - 22/04/2013 06:58 - United States - Post Falls

Today, after a few weeks of my friends pestering me to spend time with a mutual friend, I realized we had a lot in common. We both love shoes, peanut butter, and it appears that my boyfriend of three years is her boyfriend of four years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 008

You deserved it 5 235

Get 'em while they're young

By Smoked. - 20/06/2021 12:59 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I got a citation from school. My 10-year-old son was caught smoking cigarettes during recess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 811

You deserved it 178

By astroloser - 07/03/2009 16:10 - Philippines

Today, I went to my guidance counselor and told her how I'd been fascinated with space since I was 12, had read about the universe and everything, and how I want to be an astrologist when I grow up. She stared at me for a second, before saying, "But you're... stupid." FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 202

You deserved it 18 036

Twins

By Anonymous - 30/06/2012 01:06 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I saw my girlfriend walking hand-in-hand down the street with another man. When I confronted her, she claimed she had no idea who I was, and the guy told me to beat it. Later on, she returned to our apartment and actually tried to act as if nothing had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 778

You deserved it 2 925

By Tanner - 07/04/2012 02:26 - United States - Salem

Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 495

You deserved it 10 712

By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 14:18 - United States

Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for various people; 17 to be exact. It wasn't until I placed the last present on top of the stack that I realized I didn't put gift tags on any of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 003

You deserved it 40 690

By Dirtisgood - 24/08/2018 00:00

Today, my in-laws told me, in all seriousness, that my child was going to become paralyzed because I let him play on grass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 989

You deserved it 153

By Anonymous - 21/01/2016 03:16 - United States - Houston

Today, at my retail job, I tried on one of our hats. My co-worker told me I shouldn't because I could get lice. I laughed it off and told her I didn't believe her. Man, do I believe her now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 512

You deserved it 8 491

By auto boogie man - 19/11/2015 16:44 - United States - New York

Today, at school, I was asked to play a complex piano piece in front of my class, teachers and guests. I nailed it, but what stood out most for everyone was how I apparently looked like I was being possessed while performing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 923

You deserved it 2 128

By mommydearest - 04/09/2011 16:08 - Denmark

Today, my paranoid wreck of a girlfriend read a text message on my phone from a woman asking if I was coming over for dinner. The woman was my mom. My girlfriend stormed out and hasn't answered my calls all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 250

You deserved it 4 101

By anonymous - 21/04/2009 05:42 - United States

Today, I told my morbidly obese teacher that he had mustard on his chin. He tried to wipe it off and I said without thinking "No, your other chin." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 301

You deserved it 101 061

By fedemere - 28/05/2011 06:54 - United States

Today, I finally told the girl I've been after for more than a year that I'm attracted to her. Her response? A slight hug with a pat on the back as she said "There, there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 855

You deserved it 4 649

By Anonymous - 30/01/2015 10:51 - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Today, I received a panicked email from one of my university students on my course on Russian history, stating that he'd "always thought Stalin was fake, like the moon landing". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 931

You deserved it 2 322

By JulesBlues - 09/07/2019 06:00

Today, I sat in my doctor's office and broke down, crying and shaking, with a blood pressure of 190, getting off my chest everything that has gone wrong in my life lately. To which the doctor, well into her sixties, replied, "My goodness, I've never met anyone with so many problems!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 819

You deserved it 347

By unfortunate419 - 17/02/2010 07:30 - United States

Today, I brought my new girlfriend over to show off to my family when my senile great-grandmother walked into the room wearing nothing but her underpants asking when the Olympics come on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 389

You deserved it 2 710

Creepypasta

By Anonymous - 13/09/2016 02:51 - United States - Omaha

Today, I was laying in my bed and discovered a couple of stray black hairs scattered about. This was odd considering I have light strawberry blonde hair but I forgot about it only to later see my hair brush have more of the same black hairs. I live alone. I'm scared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 574

You deserved it 803

By And I'm still single - 24/03/2013 08:59 - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, I found out that my picture from a dating profile was so "hilarious" that people have been posting it on Instagram with mean captions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 433

You deserved it 6 021

By smurftastic - 03/09/2013 03:03 - United States - Murrieta

Today, my company is doing so bad that I had to take down my symbolic first dollar so that I could buy a roll of crackers for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 496

You deserved it 3 785

By Anonymous - 22/07/2009 08:16 - Australia

Today, my boss sent out an email with the subject line "Urgent". He accidentally left the body of the email blank. I replied to all staff "You're firing blanks Peter". I later heard that his wife once got drunk and told everyone that they couldn't have kids because he has a low sperm count. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 497

You deserved it 11 562

By anon - 06/01/2015 00:15 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I spent hours cooking an amazing dinner for my family, who had just gotten home from a trip, so we could spend some time together because I'd started to miss everyone. When they got home, they saw it all laid out and just took plates to their room, without even telling me they were home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 184

You deserved it 2 487

By Anonymous - 10/08/2012 05:29 - Europe

Today, after my boyfriend and I had gotten frisky last night, I found a note on the front door of my building that read, "Dear girl in apartment 3D, from now on please close the blinds all the way or lose 30 pounds. Either would be acceptable." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 578

You deserved it 18 181

By Anonymous - 13/01/2012 18:58 - Canada

Today, it's Friday the 13th. I've never been superstitious, and I figured it would be a normal day, that is until my hot water heater exploded and rained water into my downstairs neighbour's apartment for two hours before anyone noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 672

You deserved it 2 405

By Anonymous - 12/06/2017 02:00

Today, I learned there are people who will beat you up if you don't give them your spot on a bench. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 499

You deserved it 303

Flashdance

By Muhd Hazrie - 27/07/2021 02:01

Today, I was working as a security guard in a office building. It was 5 p.m. and most of the staff had gone home so it was pretty quiet. I did a little ballet dance around my security post. When I turned around, I saw my supervisor taking a video of me. He sent it to my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 769

You deserved it 374

By anon - 06/05/2015 12:50 - United States - Lawrence

Today, I finally reached the point where it became necessary to give my boyfriend an ultimatum: either clip your toenails, or we aren't having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 403

You deserved it 3 374

By monsterinlaw - 23/08/2011 14:51 - United States

Today, my obnoxious mother-in-law berated me in front of my husband's family for still working while pregnant. She says I'm harming the baby by not quitting. I'm only 4 months pregnant and I work as a nurse at a hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 136

You deserved it 2 626

By Anonymous - 01/12/2018 14:00

Today, we had our busiest day at work all year with lots of angry people calling, and a co-worker called in sick. I went to my local game shop after work, exhausted and upset, and guess who was at his usual table running a Dungeons and Dragons group, apparently not too sick to go out. Yeah. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 942

You deserved it 182

By Anonymous - 17/09/2011 01:24 - United States

Today, at college, I found a lanyard with some keys and a YMCA member's card attached. Hoping to find contact details, I googled the name on the back of the card, just in time for him to return and see me looking through his Facebook profile like some kind of stalker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 340

You deserved it 12 393

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Top comments

texashater75 16

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Monday 20 February 2012 12:00

Maybe you should take that as a hint and quit bugging your grandpa.

tmd4L 7

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Monday 20 February 2012 12:15

Better than something else hard and salty.

texashater75 16

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Monday 20 February 2012 12:00

Maybe you should take that as a hint and quit bugging your grandpa.

K_kanaka 26

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Monday 20 February 2012 12:33

I can honestly say that my grandpa would do the exact same thing to me. -__-

ScaughtieHolden 11

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Monday 20 February 2012 12:43

Pun intended #1?

mccaincracker 6

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Monday 20 February 2012 13:21

Anyone read it as "then HIS hard salty thing flew Into my mouth", or just me? xD

Ardos 3

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Monday 20 February 2012 14:11

I see what u did there #1

buck33 14

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Monday 20 February 2012 18:08

27 - Just you.

n_epic_fail 14

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Monday 20 February 2012 20:33

I read hard and salty and thought "op, what the fuck... With grandpa?!"

jonriise18 3

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Monday 20 February 2012 21:32

Yea, I thought this was going to a very dark place when it said, "hard salty thing flew in my mouth".

linkinpark98 23

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Monday 20 February 2012 12:00

Ah, gotta love grandpas. :)

leprechaun23 15

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Monday 20 February 2012 14:19

They say what they think and dont care who hears

zack11742 7

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Monday 20 February 2012 16:51

Ya my grandpa would do the same shit

pslcdsl 9

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Monday 20 February 2012 20:45

Gotta love your pappy :)

Marcelb 17

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Monday 20 February 2012 12:01

Your grandpa is funny. And learn to shut up! :P

Pentium_4 26

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Monday 20 February 2012 12:03

it's always kind of surprising when an old person says something like that, but they know they can get away with it, which makes it hilarious

Biglaxboss63 0

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Monday 20 February 2012 12:04

Maby u were going to say somthin bad so god threw a beatle into ur mouth to make u stop befor embarising anyone At least it wasnt a vw beatle

ScaughtieHolden 11

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Monday 20 February 2012 12:47

Which Beatle? You don't have that many choices here. :[ R.I.P. John Lennon & George Harrison.

bubbywaldo 0

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Monday 20 February 2012 13:42

isn't it difficult and time consuming to intentionally spell every word so horribly?

breezyblue33 19

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Monday 20 February 2012 15:46

You need to turn your autocorrect back on. 0__o

gossipgirl3_fml 2

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Monday 20 February 2012 18:38

*maybe *you *something *beetle *your *you *before *embarrassing *beetle

bettyc4 26

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Monday 20 February 2012 12:05

Extra protein ;)

marinus_fml 19

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Monday 20 February 2012 13:16

Always a good thing!

Dirty_Minded_FML 2

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Monday 20 February 2012 12:07

Respect your elders. Always

wittygirl 8

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Monday 20 February 2012 16:28

What jerk would thumb down your comment. When it's true... Damn Commies!

sjaytee 6

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Monday 20 February 2012 21:00

How was OP disrespecting their elders? Idiot

tmd4L 7

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Monday 20 February 2012 12:15

Better than something else hard and salty.

danivolley64 10

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Monday 20 February 2012 17:52

i thought the same thing xD sorry OP stop buggin ur grandpa

b0ngs 7

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Monday 20 February 2012 12:20

Your grandpa should appriciate that you're spending time with him. Most kids dont nowadays. But the beetle thing is disgusting

choshaki 8

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Monday 20 February 2012 12:21

Your grandpa is so cute! Maybe you should consider talking less next time..

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 834

You deserved it 111

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 209

You deserved it 292

Too much Pornhub

Get 'em while they're young

Twins

Creepypasta

Flashdance

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