Today, my mother-in-law tried to "accidentally" run me over. FML

Today, Santa ran over my foot with a Segway. FML

Today, I was the victim of a drive-by pissing by some drunken loon on a segway. FML

Today, I was the victim of a drive-by egging by some bastard riding a Segway. He still got away. FML

Today, I was taking a walk, when an elderly lady in a motorized wheelchair slammed into me from behind. There was plenty of room to pass by, but noooo, trying to run me down like a dog, then giving me the finger and yelling "Watch where you're walking!" is so damn preferable. FML

Today, while taking out the trash late at night with my mom, a group of people drove by and decided it would be funny to turn around and chase us up the driveway in their car. Before I even realized what was happening, my mom was already halfway to the house yelling back, "You're on your own!" FML

Today, I was kicking my soccer ball with my father. My mom pulled out in the car without checking and ran into to me. FML

Today, an old lady steamrolled over my foot with her wheelchair, then laughed as she slowly rolled away, leaving my toes in ruins. FML

Casual

Today, I attempted a casual jog in my neighborhood. Halfway through, my shoelace snapped, and I tripped, skidding across someone’s lawn. The homeowner rushed out, not to help, but to ask why I was “attacking” their grass. FML

Get back here!

Today, my very drunk mother decided to run down the block naked, screaming at the top of her lungs, "She's trying to kill me!" as I followed behind her in my car, yelling for her to get in. FML