Love: Today, I was sitting beside this cute guy on a bench. Suddenly,... - FML

By asdfasdf - United States

Today, I was sitting beside this cute guy on a bench. Suddenly, he goes, "I know we don't know each other very well, but would you like to have dinner on Saturday?" I turn to him with a goofy smile, and exclaim "I'D LOVE TO!" He gives me a weird look, turns his head and points to his Bluetooth. FML

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How to make a sociopath

Time's up

Please like me

By Anonymous

You wanker!

Today, my brother arrived at the cabin we’re staying at on a trip. He insisted he got the bed I chose. My father responded, "You wouldn’t want the bed if you knew what he did in it last night." I laughed until I realized there's a mirror where he could've easily seen "what I did last night." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2020 17:00

Decisions, decisions

Today my marriage is one week away. Despite all the challenges we faced during COVID, we powered through everything. Today is also the day my work decided to tell me they're letting me go. I now have to either go on my improvised honeymoon or job hunt. FML

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By girlsgottagotoo - United States - Covina

Today, I passed a cashier when I came into a store. Later I passed him again as I was leaving, and he asked me if I needed help finding something because I had been in the store for a while. I told him I had been browsing upstairs, but in reality, I had been in the restroom the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Lahr

Today, after several sleepless nights full of crying, I went to my university's free help center. After telling the psychologist my problems and asking what to do, he looked at me blankly and said, "Uh, it's not depression, I guess. You should go out more and, like, party some more." FML

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By Anonymous - Philippines - Makati

Today, after a week of looking for my car keys and being forced to drag my family around on public transportation, my wife found the keys in our car's ignition. FML

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By Dear Lord Save Me - United Kingdom - Merthyr Tydfil

Today, I was shopping with my dad and I saw one of my guy friends, so we waved and smiled at each other. My dad clearly thought his wave was too "romantic", because he shouted at him, "Touch her, and I'll kill you." FML

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By JoLaFritte - France

Today, thinking that I’m alone at work, I start rummaging through my nose trying to find something interesting. It’s only after about a minute that I notice that my boss is looking straight at me. FML

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By thanks, cunt-o - Australia - Blackburn

Today, my friends convinced me to go out clubbing with them for the first time. "You'll get some action", they said. The only action I got was some drunk bloke staggering into me and spraying me with vomit just minutes after arriving. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to superglue a couple quarters to the sidewalk downtown and watch people try to pick them up. Unfortunately, street patrol was watching me glue everything the whole time. I was fined with public vandalism and defacing US currency. FML

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By vanorav - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, I walked into the kitchen to eat some breakfast. I got a full visual of my drunk neighbor dancing naked in my backyard. FML

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By PhantomShitter - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Was it me?

Today, I read on Facebook that someone shat outside our block of flats. I laughed and showed it to my friend who was with me. She turned to me, and said, "That was you, we were locked outside last night and you needed to pee, but a poo slipped out." FML

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By Chewy - United Kingdom

Today, after my girlfriend telling me for years that she would marry me in a heartbeat, I finally proposed. She said no. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, after a long night of partying, I was hanging out with this girl I really like. I was feeling really hungover, so we were just sitting at the park. She confessed to me that she's liked me since the day she met me. Out of excitement and hungoverness, I threw up on her shoes. FML

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By farrahfarrest_ - United States

Today, I went to the doctor. I told her I felt down all the time. She asked me a few questions and she told me I was depressed. She suggested to go home and find the sources of my depression. When I told my parents, they started laughing and said "Yeah, right." I think I found my source. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while registering at the grocery store, a customer came into my lane with a 100 piece boiled shrimp platter. Feeling hungry, I muttered "nom nom" under my breath. The old man called my supervisor. Apparently I called him a moron. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, as a public defender, my client was actually innocent for once. I intended to utterly destroy the prosecution's case and demonstrate his good character. That plan went straight to hell when he showed up heavily intoxicated. FML

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By my dumb bro - United States - Gillham

Today, I woke up to my brother chopping all my bangs off. When I yelled at him, he could only shout back, "You can see clearly now, the bangs are gone!" FML

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By Sarah - Canada

Today, I was directing traffic at work during one of the hottest days of the year. Not only do I have to stand in the heat and exhaust fumes for minimum wage, I also had to endure people asking me "Aren't you hot?" as they drove past me in their air conditioned cars. FML

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By rebekah - United States

Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that the doctors accidentally perforated my left ear drum performing a routine wax syringing. I was at the doctor's for a completely different reason, having crushed my pinky at the gym. They can't fix either and my finger needs surgery, which can't happen until next week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I came home from work to find a burglar in my house. He then said that he was just leaving, and went back out of the broken window. FML

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By soontobedumped - United States

Today, I introduced my boyfriend of two weeks to my parents. My dad asked me to leave the room so they could have some "guy talk". I eavesdropped, only to hear the words "sex-crazed fuck" and a threat to stick bamboo shoots under my boyfriend's fingernails if he ever hurt me. FML

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By Raspution

Today, I received my first customer complaint. It said, "I am a regular customer and when I come in, he is always smiling and tells me he will see me soon when I leave. This makes me feel very uncomfortable." Now I'm under investigation for sexual harassment. FML

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By imsorrylove - United States

Today, I took pills to make sure I lasted longer with my girlfriend. Good news? It worked fine and is still working now. Bad news? We've been done for a good two hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I applied for college graduation. Turns out my advisor screwed me over and now I'm 1 credit hour short of getting my degree. Now I have to wait another semester and pay $3,500 just to take a one hour class on Bowling so that I can graduate. FML

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By thatsucks

Today, I told my best friend that I liked him and have liked him for a long time. His response was "That's cool. So, when did you get a cat?" FML

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By Bebefer - United States

Today, my mother and I went to a meeting at my school about a camping trip the students in my grade will be going on. When the time to ask questions came, my mother raised her hand and loudly asked, "What if my child is on their period during the trip?" FML

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By HappyNewYearsToMeAndMyCat - Canada - Victoria

Today, I'm celebrating New Years with my cat. I made her a cake. FML

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By Stressed out mom

Incognito IRL

Today, my daughter confessed that she’s pregnant from a one-night stand with some guy she met on vacation in Florida a few months ago. The dirtbag never told her his last name and the phone number he gave her was fake. FML

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By kismet_fire - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer yelled at me because I gave her a wrinkled bag. I work in retail, and the bags are all cheap plastic. She wouldn't stop, even when I gave her 3 different bags. FML

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By Smart - United States

Today, while teaching my high school class about astronomy, I showed them a picture of earth from space. One girl raised her hand, and asked me what the "white things" were. In other words, clouds. FML

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By Jarool - Canada - Red Deer

Today, my wife got all excited when she saw the elevator we were in had a feature to make it go sideways. I didn't have the heart to tell her they were the buttons to open and close the door. FML

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By Chucho - United States - Boston

Today, my mom told me that she rather wait for the city bus all day, than allow me to give her a ride. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I tried to stage an intervention for a friend who abuses drugs. I ended up with my hair on fire. FML

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By wearingashirtatthepool - United States - East Brunswick

Today, I spent thirty minutes on the phone with my best friend's mom, because her daughter was too afraid to tell me that I'm no longer a bridesmaid at her wedding because I'm too fat. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Eastbourne

Today, I went to a big job interview. Everything went well at first, with the interviewer being impressed by my CV. I was then interrogated over not having a Facebook account, and practically accused of being a criminal, because people without them "always have something to hide". FML

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By 0ptimu5 - Australia

Today, I saw a cute girl at a night club. When I approached her and introduced myself, she said "Don't you remember me? We danced here last weekend... but you were smashed that night". I cheekily replied "Oh really? That's hot, what happened next?" She said "You were hitting on me. So, I left." FML

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By can’t sleep - 17/6/2020 17:04

Get it on, bang a gong

Today, and for the fourth time in a week, my 60-year-old neighbors have woken me up by having obnoxiously loud sex. Complete with over the top moaning and the headboard smashing against our shared wall. When I asked them nicely to quiet down, they laughed and called me jealous. FML

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By still hungry - United States - Chicago

Today, my boyfriend said he was going to give me breakfast in bed before he left. He walked over, threw some granola bars on the bed next to me and left. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Lowell

Today, I was taking a hike through the Appalachians. I lost my balance in a steep area, and grabbed for a root along the trail above me. It turned to not be a root, but a large, angry snake. FML

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Top comments

By ruthlessriot | 0

#12908 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 19:59

this is why i hate bluetooth

By lxclark | 17

#974336 - Monday 5 April 2010 9:02

Those bluetooth things are so annoying! One guy had one while standing next to me at a urinal. Imagine my suprise when he said "I'll come in a minute"..

COMMENTS

By ruthlessriot | 0

#12908 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 19:59

this is why i hate bluetooth

Reply

WhatANoob | 0

#884404 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 5:40

Agreed number one

Reply

lxclark | 17

#974336 - Monday 5 April 2010 9:02

Those bluetooth things are so annoying! One guy had one while standing next to me at a urinal. Imagine my suprise when he said "I'll come in a minute"..

Reply

DishHeads | 9

#1113812 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 15:13

haha epic

Reply

keenflow | 2

#4443441 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 20:10

1- agreed. I hate walking or being by people who have them, it makes you look like a complete fool when you respond to them. Especially when you carry on a convo with them the whole time lol

By Fakebuster_fml | 0

#12910 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 20:02

Faaaaake. Let me get this straight, you sit down next to a guy, who you think is talking to himself. All of a sudden, without talking to you at all beforehand, just himself, he asks you out to dinner, and your first response is YES!!!!!

FAAAAAAAAAAAAKE

By jm88 | 0

#12911 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 20:02

Really, #2? He could have made a call and went with that right off the bat. Are you *really* going to dub yourself 'fakebuster' and go around doing this?

By bruisedghosts | 0

#12921 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 20:06

Heck, as long as it's entertaining (and this one is), who cares if it's fake? I don't really feel it's my purpose in life to analyze FML.

By CowGoesMoo | 0

#12925 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 20:09

I think it sounds kind of fake too. Well, half the things on here do. But you know what they say, sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction...

By Victoria_fml | 0

#12926 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 20:10

Embarrassing...
Reminds me #184275. ^^

By LameKara | 0

#12928 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 20:12

Haha the people that think it's fake have obviously never encountered someone with a bluetooth. It's very easy to think they're suddenly talking to you if their voice changes volume or tone.

By fcuk_mylife | 0

#12949 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 20:24

sounds fake.. and i sort of hope for your own sake that this is fake, because i'm sure you looked stupid as hell.

regardless, i HATE bluetooths. people look fucking stupid with them in.

By lollipop217 | 0

#12953 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 20:28

I hate those asshole phones

By Salina_22 | 0

#12959 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 20:34

This is not fake, I did the same answering back to my friend I thought was talking to me, and then they turn around to show me they were on bluetooth, gets me everytime...
I have to say this is a good one.