Love: Today, I was sitting beside this cute guy on a bench. Suddenly,... - FML

By asdfasdf - United States

Today, I was sitting beside this cute guy on a bench. Suddenly, he goes, "I know we don't know each other very well, but would you like to have dinner on Saturday?" I turn to him with a goofy smile, and exclaim "I'D LOVE TO!" He gives me a weird look, turns his head and points to his Bluetooth. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Own it

Can't do the time? Don't do the crime!

By needmorelocks - United States - Santa Paula

What?!

Today, my mom called to chew me out for having my sister arrested. My sister broke into my apartment, rearranged my living room, and claimed she now lived with me. She then threatened me with a butcher's knife for not appreciating what she had done. My mom wants me to pay the bail. FML

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By ouch - Canada - Charlottetown

Today, I thought maybe I should go to my doctor because my hips crack every time I take a step. But she's also my recently ex-boyfriend's mom, so I have to choose between being in constant pain or having my doctor poke at my hips while asking me why I'm no longer dating her son. FML

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By whatafuckhead - United States - San Francisco

Today, after my landlord commented on how rarely I drink milk, and I joked that I'm "probably going to die young" because of it. Then I immediately remembered that her 35-year-old husband died last year of a heart attack. FML

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By vadoodoo22 - France

Today, I was chatting with my girlfriend and I asked her to give me her phone to make a call since mine was dead. A text came in from someone and the name sounded familiar. My bestfriend has been dating my girlfriend longer than I have, and she gave him head. I kissed her earlier that day. FML

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By soapgirl - Philippines

Today, my mom was gifted with a toiletry basket. I grabbed the lotion and used it without asking. When I went out, it began raining hard. I got wet and noticed my skin got very sticky. Turns out the lotion was actually body wash. People were wondering why soap bubbles were coming from my skin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I took my boyfriend of 2 years on a family vacation to meet my family for the first time. We all got really drunk and he made out with my dad. This was day one and we don't fly back for another 16 days. FML

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By hawkwardd - Australia

Today, my workplace was having a "prices are down" promotion. I had to wear a badge that said, "Down and staying down" all day, opening myself up to a lot of weirdos winking at me or saying, "Oh yeah, I bet you are". FML

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By whitefox123 - United States

Today, I was riding in the backseat while my mom was driving. Noticing she was driving way over the speed limit, I opened a police siren app on my iPod to make her slow down. When she realized, she pulled over, kicked me out of the car and made me walk home. FML

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By Fifi

Oh, hi

Today, my husband popped out to the hotel gym while I jumped in the shower. After a while I heard a knock on the door. Thinking it was him, I cheekily opened the door in my naked glory to be greeted by the maid. I didn’t know do-not-disturb signs aren’t double sided. FML

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By blow away - United States - Middletown

Today, my husband decided to play a recording of me breaking wind in my sleep to my whole family at the dinner table. To make matters worse, it was a compilation of different noises from over a long period of time. My family was horrified and my husband seemed proud of himself. FML

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By Staywidowed - 8/4/2021 23:00

Give it your best shot

Today, marks almost two years of being sexually inactive after being widowed. It also happened to be the day I made an uncharacteristic decision. I hooked up with a male friend. I'm so out of practice, I honestly believe round-two the next morning was out of pity more than actual interest. FML

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By Misunderstood Waitress - United States

Today, I was waitressing for a huge family. Their bill was $750. Excited about the tip, I was shocked to see only $0.50. As they were leaving, I threw the two whole quarters at their heads. Guess who also got fired today. FML

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By Deety

Today, my psychologist broke up with me, professionally. It's alright though, she told me it's her, not me. FML

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By -___- - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, my five-year-old daughter asked me why moms don't swallow clothes, so that their babies won't be born naked. My husband burst into derisive laughter, and has now trained her into responding to the name "Derp-Derp." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my Darwin Award-nominated cousin got himself admitted to the hospital because he substituted the hammer and screwdriver for a meat tenderizer and a knife when he couldn't find the toolbox. The one I clearly labeled "TOOLS" in giant letters to avoid this situation from happening again. FML

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By lyss - United States - New Prague

Today, my 4-year-old daughter asked me when I was going to be skinny like her daycare lady. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my 9-year-old daughter was acting out and wouldn't do her homework. I told her that if she didn't study, she wouldn't get her acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She looked into my eyes, straight through to my soul and said, "Hogwarts isn't real, retard." FML

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By Lizofsmeg - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking in the park when I was hit on the shin by a red ball. I was confused, until it was followed by an enormous German Shepherd dog going at top speed. FML

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By _RobotInDisguise - United Kingdom

Today, I received a 4 page letter in the post from a woman telling me she was Alan's wife. She spoke about their wedding in 2004, their two beautiful kids who love their daddy very much (she included pictures), and how much she loves him. Alan is my husband of 7 years. FML

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By LittleRed - United States

Today, I got more turned on by the idea of sex with my boyfriend than actually doing it. FML

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By Notadrinkanddriveidiot - United States

Today, some friends and I were pulled over on our way back from a party. We'd had a few drinks, so we tried to play it cool just in case we were over the limit. The cop didn't seem to want to breathalyze us, until my really high friend in the back seat said, "These are not the droids you are looking for." FML

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By Spanner

Today, I realized why a female colleague keeps asking me if I'm high when I'm not. All I'm thinking when I see her is how glad I am to see her. Dilated pupils, flushed face, stupid grin on my face? I'm not high. I'm in love with her. She's married. Oh, and she wants to be my roommate for a year. FML

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By peanutprobs - Germany - Bochum

Today, my friend took our prank war too far when he secretly added peanuts to my food. I have a peanut allergy. FML

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By icyrebel25 - United States - Mckinney

Today, my mom showed my girlfriend a picture of me crying when I pooped in the bathtub. FML

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By presente13 - United States

Today, my family and friends decided to throw a surprise party for my 16th birthday. I was so surprised that the shortness of breath triggered a serious asthma attack. FML

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By msamberjade - United States - Columbus

New movie

Today, my boyfriend came home with three of his best friends and broke up with me in front of them. Then, when I asked if we could talk privately, he filmed it for "documentation". FML

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By honor sucks - United States

Today, I lost a huge bet with my friends. I had to either post a sexual message on my mom's Facebook wall confessing my "love" for her, or be ratted out for cheating on a school test earlier in the year. Now I'm considered a freak by half my school, and am indefinitely grounded. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I brought my own thermos of coffee on the train with me, the kind that flips open to uncover the mouth part. I take a few swigs and notice a cute boy nervously smiling at me. Suddenly, I feel something drip down my nose. The flip part was leaving drops of coffee all over my forehead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I took a walk on the wharf. We walked by a Wax Museum and in front of the museum there was a bench with a very realistic wax man sitting on it. I got very close to his face and yelled over to my husband how realistic the wax man looked. Just then, he coughed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to withdraw 200 dollars. At the ATM, I noticed a suspicious man standing really close to me. I was nervous about entering my pin number, and worrying he was looking at my account information. In my panic, I got all the way home before realizing that I left the cash in the machine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into the ladies restroom and was shocked to see the guy I've had a huge crush on for two years. Peeing. In the sink. FML

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By immunizations - Canada

Today, while parking my car, I accidentally bumped into the car in front of me, making a small, barely noticeable dent. I felt bad, wrote an apology note, and stuck it on his windshield. An hour later, he replied by keying the entire right side of my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, instead of watching a movie like a normal family, we performed random acts of kindness by handing out roses to total strangers in the freezing cold. No one would take them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Raleigh

Today, my neighbors left for their nine month excursion, and armed their security system. One of the features is a loud series of three beeps every three seconds, 24 hours a day. I can hear it, clear as a bell, throughout my entire house. FML

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By Georgia

Today, my boyfriend turned down a shower with me because he didn't want to get his hair wet. FML

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By Lola

Today, my boyfriend bought us three kittens. Today, I also discovered that I am allergic to cats. My boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted the cats more than me. FML

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By terrible kenny - United States

Today, as I went into my calculus class, the teacher announced that someone had received a negative grade on the test we were getting back. I laughed and said, "Which f*cker managed to get a negative?" Turns out I'm the dumbass. FML

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By wmkaz - Canada - Sault Sainte Marie

Today, I am six months pregnant and have been lactating. When I noticed this and pointed it out to my husband, I jokingly stated that I felt like a cow. He then replied. "Oh, you're not a cow. At most you're just a fat pig." He still has no clue why I'm upset. FML

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By ncjarhead - United States

Today, I discovered the same erotic pictures my wife emailed to me while I was deployed were emailed to several other guys by her. FML

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By Connor - United States

Today, I spent the morning in the ER with a broken arm. My little brother was in such a rush to get his presents first, that he violently shoved me out of the way on the stairs. FML

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Top comments

By ruthlessriot | 0

#12908 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 19:59

this is why i hate bluetooth

By lxclark | 17

#974336 - Monday 5 April 2010 9:02

Those bluetooth things are so annoying! One guy had one while standing next to me at a urinal. Imagine my suprise when he said "I'll come in a minute"..

COMMENTS

By ruthlessriot | 0

#12908 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 19:59

this is why i hate bluetooth

Reply

WhatANoob | 0

#884404 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 5:40

Agreed number one

Reply

lxclark | 17

#974336 - Monday 5 April 2010 9:02

Those bluetooth things are so annoying! One guy had one while standing next to me at a urinal. Imagine my suprise when he said "I'll come in a minute"..

Reply

DishHeads | 9

#1113812 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 15:13

haha epic

Reply

keenflow | 2

#4443441 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 20:10

1- agreed. I hate walking or being by people who have them, it makes you look like a complete fool when you respond to them. Especially when you carry on a convo with them the whole time lol

By Fakebuster_fml | 0

#12910 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 20:02

Faaaaake. Let me get this straight, you sit down next to a guy, who you think is talking to himself. All of a sudden, without talking to you at all beforehand, just himself, he asks you out to dinner, and your first response is YES!!!!!

FAAAAAAAAAAAAKE

By jm88 | 0

#12911 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 20:02

Really, #2? He could have made a call and went with that right off the bat. Are you *really* going to dub yourself 'fakebuster' and go around doing this?

By bruisedghosts | 0

#12921 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 20:06

Heck, as long as it's entertaining (and this one is), who cares if it's fake? I don't really feel it's my purpose in life to analyze FML.

By CowGoesMoo | 0

#12925 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 20:09

I think it sounds kind of fake too. Well, half the things on here do. But you know what they say, sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction...

By Victoria_fml | 0

#12926 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 20:10

Embarrassing...
Reminds me #184275. ^^

By LameKara | 0

#12928 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 20:12

Haha the people that think it's fake have obviously never encountered someone with a bluetooth. It's very easy to think they're suddenly talking to you if their voice changes volume or tone.

By fcuk_mylife | 0

#12949 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 20:24

sounds fake.. and i sort of hope for your own sake that this is fake, because i'm sure you looked stupid as hell.

regardless, i HATE bluetooths. people look fucking stupid with them in.

By lollipop217 | 0

#12953 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 20:28

I hate those asshole phones

By Salina_22 | 0

#12959 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 20:34

This is not fake, I did the same answering back to my friend I thought was talking to me, and then they turn around to show me they were on bluetooth, gets me everytime...
I have to say this is a good one.