Today, I was putting my 2 year old to bed, and I began to sing...

By Anonymous - 19/11/2010 07:47

Today, I was putting my 2 year old to bed, and I began to sing to her. She reached up, put her finger over my lips, and said, "Shhh, Mommy." FML

I agree, your life sucks

42265

You deserved it

13703

Favorite

Kids

Rock, hard place

Higher standards

Toxic parents

By bigmouth - 2/8/2009 07:35 - United States

Today, I was working as a host at a pasta dinner. The hostess I was working with was very attractive and we were flirting quite a bit. A large woman walked in to be seated, and I leaned over to her and dared her to ask the woman if she wanted two chairs. She leaned back and said "that's my mom". FML

I agree, your life sucks

12654

You deserved it

74656

Favorite

By HiddlePuff - 14/5/2015 12:42 - Australia

Today, while teaching my class, I hooked my laptop up to the projector and put on a documentary. I left it playing and went to the toilet. When I came back the whole class was talking to my mother. She must've Skyped me while I was gone and someone answered the call. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36072

You deserved it

8076

Favorite

By karmasabitch - 17/5/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, I had my high school reunion. The nerdy guy that I picked on all 4 years had married a Swedish supermodel, then divorced her for a Brazilian supermodel. My girlfriend works at 7-11. Karma sucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33922

You deserved it

312052

Favorite

By bachelor - 26/9/2009 18:15 - United States

Today, was my bachelor party. The only people that showed up were my best man and my father. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43625

You deserved it

3656

Favorite

By lonelygirl - 17/8/2012 23:33 - United States - Circleville

Today, I bought the only cat on Earth that doesn't like chasing after a laser dot. Goodbye, hours of sick, sick entertainment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15008

You deserved it

26883

Favorite

By MusicLover18 - 3/9/2014 23:35 - Canada - Leduc

Today, I caught my little sister taking a selfie in the mirror with a fake nose piercing, peace sign, and a duck face. She's 12. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43484

You deserved it

4202

Favorite

By skipperpop - 11/8/2016 22:24 - United States - Ames

Today, after work, I was saying goodbye to my last remaining friend I worked with because she was going to be leaving for college. My manager saw me talking and made me clock back in and work because "If you have time to talk, you have time to work." FML.

I agree, your life sucks

14508

You deserved it

1222

Favorite

By Noname - 14/3/2009 05:08 - United States

Today, I came back from a hike to see my trailer rocking, as well as some strange but obvious noises coming from it. I went camping alone. Two strangers were in my camper having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

146367

You deserved it

11712

Favorite

By Forgotten Birthday Girl - 11/7/2018 20:30

Today, it's my birthday. I am a triplet. In my first class, everyone sang happy birthday to my sister. Her friends got her balloons too. My other sister's friends got her flowers. Everyone forgot I was their sister and all of my own friends forgot that it was my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4830

You deserved it

262

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/6/2009 22:16 - United States

Today, in the bathroom during the ACTs, my hair got stuck in the electric hand dryer. I had to rip my hair out. For future reference, hair + hand dryer = dreadlocks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38088

You deserved it

12554

Favorite

By ohhhgross - 26/10/2009 18:32 - Singapore

Today, while I was eating, my younger sister came over and sat beside me. She started clipping her toenails. Disgusted by it, I turned and opened my mouth to tell her to move somewhere else, just as one flew inside my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36143

You deserved it

5314

Favorite

By thoughtcrimeno1 - 6/7/2011 05:27 - United States

Today, I helped an elderly lady unscrew the cooling tank's cap from her smoking car. My reward? A scalding shower of toxic, pungent antifreeze that erupted moments after removing said cap. She didn't even thank me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28766

You deserved it

18748

Favorite

By karma - 28/1/2009 18:36 - Canada

First!

Today, I almost had an orgasm. Unfortunately, he had one first. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54996

You deserved it

7425

Favorite

By Deadbed - 4/5/2019 16:00

Today, I had sex with my wife. After we finished and were cuddling, she said, "This is the part I like." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1728

You deserved it

574

Favorite

By I'm out - 6/9/2016 17:02 - United States - Huntsville

Today, I found a thong at my boyfriend's house. When I confronted him about it, he panicked and claimed it was his mom's. Right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16398

You deserved it

1311

Favorite

By aceshot97 - 6/12/2011 14:33 - Canada

Today, I saw a 10 dollar bill on the street, as I went to grab it, it was pulled away by a string. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I was tricked by teenagers or that I tripped and fell as I went for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30388

You deserved it

7530

Favorite

By crapedup - 10/10/2011 23:11 - United States

Today, I mentioned to my wife that we should try marriage counseling. She responded by denying it while throwing a carton of milk at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27929

You deserved it

3053

Favorite

By Sarah - 26/3/2012 11:14 - United States

Today, I belched. In the middle of my wedding vows. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31746

You deserved it

6532

Favorite

By me - 12/7/2011 04:20 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I had only been dating him for about a month. Thinking he wouldn't take it very hard, I invited him over so I could tell him in person. Little did I know he was going to start crying on my couch and not leave for 5 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36007

You deserved it

10696

Favorite

By JurassicHole - 22/4/2012 03:27 - United States

Today, while landscaping my backyard, I was pulling a big weed out of the ground. After the last tug, the soil came free, but ended up with me punching myself full force in the nuts. I think my future children are already filing for parental abuse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26032

You deserved it

4414

Favorite

By Anonymous - 28/1/2020 14:00 - United States - Oakland

On time

Today, I finally got up early enough to get to work on time. I arrived 15 minutes early only to realize that I'd left my work laptop at home. Ended up being 30 minutes late. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1515

You deserved it

972

Favorite

By unluckymiss - 24/1/2010 06:03 - United States

Today, I was at the store when I ran into an old friend from high school. He didn't recognize me at first, but when I told him who I was, he instantly shouted "Oh! Yeah! The fat chick from Mr. H's class!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

29482

You deserved it

4328

Favorite

By ShouldBeSingleSoon - 26/3/2013 04:15 - United States - Lincoln

Today, my boyfriend, who moved in about a month ago, decided he wanted to move back out. Why? Because I don't keep my place clean enough for him. This, coming from the same man who refuses to wash or clean anything because "that's what women are for." FML

I agree, your life sucks

41134

You deserved it

10085

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 12:08 - Australia

Today, I slept over at my boyfriend's house and he offered to give me a massage, as he'd found a book on sensual massage and wanted to test it out on me. When he went to the bathroom, I found the book open on his desk- at "Massage to eliminate cellulite". FML

I agree, your life sucks

68992

You deserved it

7717

Favorite

By Finesse7791 - 20/9/2009 12:28 - United States

Today, my friend called saying she was gathering all her girlfriends for a girl's night out. I was thrilled with the idea and started to think of something to wear. She then asked if I would mind watching her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44782

You deserved it

2899

Favorite

By sarabellekitty - 21/10/2019 04:00

Relaxed

Today, I was having really great sex with my boyfriend. I was on top and he seemed like he was really enjoying it. Then, I realized he'd fallen asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1763

You deserved it

305

Favorite

By idiot bro - 6/7/2014 18:04 - United States - Brunswick

Today, after a power outage at my house, my 14-year-old brother was genuinely confused as to why our flashlights still worked if we had no electricity. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47635

You deserved it

4395

Favorite

By FFS - 6/5/2018 01:30

Today, my mother has taken her drug paranoia to a new level. She threw away an open but nearly full bag of dried mint because she's sure I emptied and refilled the bag with marijuana to hide it from her. She then tried to ground me in my own house in front of my wife and daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4453

You deserved it

332

Favorite

By HomeAlone - 24/4/2016 04:45 - United States

Today, I went into the bathroom and got angry upon finding that once again, no one had bothered to put on a new roll of toilet paper. And then I remembered that I live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9834

You deserved it

21128

Favorite

By the other guy? - 29/3/2014 21:57 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was watching last week's episode of The Walking Dead with my girlfriend. When the gang leader explained the rules of the group to Daryl, I reached over, grabbed my girlfriend's boobs and yelled, "Claimed!" She shot back, "Yeah, they are. But not by you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

46490

You deserved it

19677

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/8/2013 19:28 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend grinning at me, her hand on my junk. I grinned back, then looked down and saw blood smeared all over her hand and my junk. After I started screaming and crying, she laughed and said it was fake blood. She recorded everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

74538

You deserved it

9794

Favorite

By runfattyrun - 25/12/2016 07:19 - Australia - Abbotsford

Today, I got a gym membership for Christmas, from 3 different people. I think my family's trying to tell me something. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8311

You deserved it

1174

Favorite

By whoawhoawhoa - 28/12/2011 22:04 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I heard my parents going at it upstairs. He said, "sounds like they're having more fun than we did." To make it worse, he crept to their door and put his ear to it, telling me what he heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32385

You deserved it

4936

Favorite

By emoney - 19/5/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I was walking out of my front door in the town where I intern. I live alone and know no one. As I'm locking the door, I see a golf ball wedged between my mat and step. I notice that there's writing on it so I pick it up to read, "You look hot when you sleep." FML

I agree, your life sucks

77917

You deserved it

3647

Favorite

By RonnieG - 22/7/2013 22:30 - United States - Orlando

Today, I confessed to losing my wife's engagement ring, and replacing it with a lookalike months ago. My wife also confessed that her actual engagement ring was locked in the safe, and the one I lost had been a fake. I've been paying the replacement off on my credit card for 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45994

You deserved it

14031

Favorite

By naughtymommy0317 - 20/6/2013 08:47 - United States

Today, while having sex with my husband, he accidentally elbowed me in the face. I don't know which is worse: that he didn't stop to see if I was OK, or that it seemed to turn him on and he climaxed immediately after he'd hit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59917

You deserved it

5887

Favorite

By User - 23/9/2013 17:53 - United States - Romulus

Today, I texted my girlfriend a long heartfelt loving message for our 2-year anniversary. Her reply was just "K." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51861

You deserved it

6656

Favorite

By JoseIsAdork - 11/1/2016 18:03 - United States - Somers

Today, I realized how lonely I am, when I got a call from an elderly women who had dialed the wrong number. We ended up having a 20 minute conversation about her cat and how he "just won't use the darn litter pan." I was sad when she had to hang up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24201

You deserved it

2344

Favorite

By anx133 - 15/1/2009 08:05 - China

Today, like any other day I struggled to put my boots on, went to pee and noticed my pants were covered in what looked like a green dust. I touched it, sniffed it, and it smelled utterly horrendous. So I took my boots off again only to find that one of my cats had took a dump in one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22412

You deserved it

3149

Favorite

By ChubbyAmerican - 22/5/2010 23:24 - United States

Today, my very handsome, fit, Russian boyfriend tried to make me feel better about being a little overweight by telling me, "It's okay, you're American, everyone expects you to be fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38801

You deserved it

15847

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By hiddydiddy | 0

#1722699 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:03

She will grow up to be a very amazing person.

By 6969awesome | 0

#1722681 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:01

haha wat a funny kid

COMMENTS

By 6969awesome | 0

#1722681 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:01

haha wat a funny kid

novair | 5

#1722747 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:09

owned?

hiddydiddy | 0

#1722753 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:10

I think so.

jewban | 3

#1722760 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:11

hey at least she said "please" instead of "bitch!" haha

FYLDeep | 25

#1722824 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:16

Bitch, please!

turtlemansam | 6

#1723207 - Friday 19 November 2010 13:54

Don't be afraid to cry, you can still be a manly guy.

FYLDeep | 25

#1723272 - Friday 19 November 2010 14:08

Bringing da youtubes into this ic.

wilcas713 | 0

#1723545 - Friday 19 November 2010 15:46

hahahah this made my day :D

beelo44 | 0

#1725072 - Saturday 20 November 2010 2:54

that's cute. how's it an FML?

By spoilt_ | 15

#1722691 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:02

you should listen to her advice

alittler | 4

#1739877 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 13:26

that's so cold... funny... but cold lol

By hiddydiddy | 0

#1722699 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:03

She will grow up to be a very amazing person.

1personinthiswor | 0

#1723874 - Friday 19 November 2010 18:02

Grow up to be? I think she already is! x)

By max_wilder | 9

#1722715 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:05

haha

By kazaam | 0

#1722720 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:05

awesome kid!

By Lozza111 | 0

#1722725 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:06

at least she said please?

really231001 | 0

#1723011 - Friday 19 November 2010 13:03

Thats exactly what I thought

really231001 | 0

#1723021 - Friday 19 November 2010 13:07

Thats exactly what I thought

_Annonymous_ | 0

#1723645 - Friday 19 November 2010 16:20

me too

By knownunknown101 | 0

#1722727 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:06

well at least she said please hahah

fatalkiss | 0

#1725867 - Saturday 20 November 2010 8:12

hahahaha ya

By marinus_fml | 19

#1722766 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:11

Awww what an adorable kid!!

By locachick101 | 0

#1722784 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:13

hahaha that's funny.. the kid just wants to sleep not get a headache geez!

By MagicMushrooms | 0

#1722788 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:13

Listen to her.