Kids: Today, I was putting my 2 year old to bed, and I began to sing...

By Anonymous

Today, I was putting my 2 year old to bed, and I began to sing to her. She reached up, put her finger over my lips, and said, "Shhh, Mommy." FML

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Kids

Understandable

This Charming Man

Don't give up

By Volunteer - United States - Elwood

Today, I got fired from my volunteer job. FML

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By amidreaming?? - United Kingdom - Bushey

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she never lets me in her house. She stared blankly and said, "What is inside is not for thine eyes." I told her best friend about this creepiness later on. She sighed and said, "T'was not for mine eyes either. I didst fail to listen." I feel like I'm losing my mind here. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told the girl I've been seeing for a while about the strong feelings that I have for her and that I was falling in love. She told me my words made her realize what it felt like to be in love. My words were so powerful, in fact, that she ran right back into the arms of her ex boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, a stuffed ferret was the latest addition to the list of weird items my colleagues have found in our rubbish tip, and that they put in my office. The list also includes explicit fetish porn playing cards, live ammo and dead pheasants, to name a few. I need a new job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a friend posted the Facebook status "Ahhh... relief." Trying to be funny, I replied "Why? Did you just poop?" A few hours later, I read her previous posts and found out her dad's in the hospital having heart surgery. Now everyone thinks I'm a heartless dick. FML

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By FakeID - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. When the police officer approached me and asked for license and registration, I accidentally gave him my fake I.D. FML

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By SweetDreamsTibi

Today, I was feeling frisky and my boyfriend was playing a video game in the living room. I started dancing in front of the T.V. with only my panties on, to which he responded, "You're every gamer's nightmare." FML

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By perfectlybrokenx - Canada

Today, while I was on a date, I noticed my ex-boyfriend in the restaurant, and he looked sad. So I walked over to see him and jokingly said, "You look like your mom died or something!" She had. FML

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By CreepedOut - United States

Today, I decided to try something new and sign up for an online dating service, since I can't meet a decent guy in person. The first guy I talked to told me he used to be in a mental hospital for obsessing over a girl, then told me he would be dreaming of me that night. FML

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By really - United States

Today, my parents told me they don't think I'll ever find a boyfriend, and insist on referring to my future cats as their "grandkids". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I proudly gave my grandma a picture I had drawn for her. She didn't seem thrilled with it, and afterwards the rest of my family seemed upset. Nobody could fathom why I drew grandma a picture of a graveyard for her 85th birthday. It was suppose to be a bridge. FML

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By mook05 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of 6 months is not actually on vacation with her cousin but is moving in with her fiancé. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2021 14:00

Thanks for the help

Today, both my mom and I are very ill, while her boyfriend is perfectly fine. Somehow, this means that I’m the one having to take care of my mom, myself, the household and 6 pets, while he does nothing, goes on trips and leaves dirt all over the house when he’s here. FML

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Today, the little bell in my car that lets you know your keys are still in your ignition went out. How did I find out? I locked myself out of both my house and my car. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Ytre Arna

Today, my mom let me stay home from school, because I was sick. We both agreed not to tell my dad, since he's adamant that I never miss even one day of school. A few hours after my mom left for work, he came back home, with another woman. FML

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By hateparents - Australia

Today, my parents met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. They not only brought along embarrassing childhood photos of myself, they'd 'accidentally' placed an intimate photo of me and my ex-girlfriend with them. That was their subtle way of telling everyone they prefer my ex. FML

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By jmitch1209 - United States

Today, I was potty training my nephew. He had been on the toilet for almost twenty minutes and could not go. My phone started ringing, and as I went to pick it up he knocked it into the toilet. He then peed and pooped on it. FML

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By zachadams - United States - Buffalo

Today, at a family party, my uncles were complimenting my mom on her pies. I cooked them. She took all the credit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the gas station pumping gas when the lady in front of me had a little boy who asked if he could pump the gas. She said yes and then quickly answered her phone, as it was ringing. She wasn't watching him and he pulled out the pump to early, spraying gas all over me, including my face. FML

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By brokeandsad - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a fight about a clogged toilet. He was yelling about not having enough money to buy a better plunger and so I stormed out to buy one myself. While pulling his truck into traffic, a car hit me causing $1000 in damage. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, the kids I teach informed me that I had spelled my name incorrectly on the board. I looked at it and assured them that I had spelled it correctly. I'm 22 and a graduate student, they're six and mentally challenged. Guess who was right? FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2020 09:57 - Argentina - Burzaco

The death of romance

Today, I was swiping on Tinder when the app told me there was one else left to meet. I haven't had any matches. FML

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By Franigirl - United States

Today, I had to present a powerpoint in front of my class. When I was finished, no one clapped. On my way back to my seat, I slipped on a pencil and fell straight on my face. That's when everyone clapped. FML

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By WTF? - United States

Today, I found myself humming a Skrillex ditty all day. I'm beginning to wonder if I've had some sort of stroke. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Medina

Today, my son paid the price for emulating his idols, aka the sub-human scum on Jersey Shore. He called me from jail and actually had the balls to try to guilt me into bailing him out, after he'd been arrested for punching his girlfriend at a liquor store. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2021 21:30

Unexpected visitor

Today I went to a much-anticipated job interview. I've been out of work for a month and I really need and wanted this job. I then realized that yesterday's hike was not a good idea when a tick crawled across my forehead in the middle of the interview. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to pick me up and throw me on the bed. I rolled off and broke my collarbone. FML

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By Casey - United States

Today, I realized it is now considered normal and routine that my boyfriend wets the bed after a night of drinking. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to find that I'd left my clothes in my roommate's bedroom. After returning from a night of heavy drinking, I apparently got up to use the bathroom and used her room as a toilet. I don't remember this, but pee stains don't lie. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my neighbors were busted for a meth lab in their garage. Yesterday, I signed the mortgage. Welcome to our new neighborhood, kids. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my girlfriends house. After having sex, we went downstairs to where the rest of the family was. At this point I did not realise that I had a used condom stuck to my foot. The family did. FML

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By Ondskansgris - Sweden

Today, I turned 22, without anyone wishing me a happy birthday. In fact, the only phone call I received all day was from my brother. He wanted to borrow money. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dog ate so much toilet paper that she can probably wipe herself from the inside out. FML

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By dexter - United States

Today, I had lunch with a couple of my friends and a guy I like. Another guy I have a crush on came and ate with us too. After lunch, one of the guys I have a crush on told me the other guy I like is sexy. FML

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By Anonymous - Ghana

Today, I learned that because of my new medication, I can either avoid getting malaria, or have a male yeast infection. I'm stuck in Africa for the next two months, and have to sit down to pee because I don't want to irritate my penis by touching it. FML

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By homeless - United States

Today, I got home from work to find an eviction notice taped to my door, stating that I was a nuisance and had 30 days to vacate the property. I live at home with my parents. FML

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By bleach - United Kingdom

Today, I bought an expensive razor that's supposed to be great. My roommate asked if she could borrow it, and as her legs just looked like they needed touching up, I said sure. After a strangely long amount of time, she came back, thanked me and left. Her legs were still hairy. FML

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By Tanuki_paws - United States - Phoenix

Today, I'm so broke that I got buyer's remorse after buying a $2 bottle of pancake syrup. FML

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By Why me? - United States - Wilmington

Today, some guys came up to me at work so they could meet me in person after talking to me on Tinder. I don't have a Tinder account, though, and I have no idea who is doing this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home from a two-week overseas business trip. My wife was at work, but she came home for lunch. When she came in, she brushed right past me to hug and talk to her dog. When I mentioned it, she said, "But I haven't seen him all day!" FML

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Top comments

By hiddydiddy | 0

#1722699 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:03

She will grow up to be a very amazing person.

By 6969awesome | 0

#1722681 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:01

haha wat a funny kid

COMMENTS

By 6969awesome | 0

#1722681 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:01

haha wat a funny kid

novair | 5

#1722747 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:09

owned?

hiddydiddy | 0

#1722753 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:10

I think so.

jewban | 3

#1722760 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:11

hey at least she said "please" instead of "bitch!" haha

FYLDeep | 25

#1722824 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:16

Bitch, please!

turtlemansam | 6

#1723207 - Friday 19 November 2010 13:54

Don't be afraid to cry, you can still be a manly guy.

FYLDeep | 25

#1723272 - Friday 19 November 2010 14:08

Bringing da youtubes into this ic.

wilcas713 | 0

#1723545 - Friday 19 November 2010 15:46

hahahah this made my day :D

beelo44 | 0

#1725072 - Saturday 20 November 2010 2:54

that's cute. how's it an FML?

By spoilt_ | 15

#1722691 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:02

you should listen to her advice

alittler | 4

#1739877 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 13:26

that's so cold... funny... but cold lol

By hiddydiddy | 0

#1722699 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:03

She will grow up to be a very amazing person.

1personinthiswor | 0

#1723874 - Friday 19 November 2010 18:02

Grow up to be? I think she already is! x)

By max_wilder | 9

#1722715 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:05

haha

By kazaam | 0

#1722720 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:05

awesome kid!

By Lozza111 | 0

#1722725 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:06

at least she said please?

really231001 | 0

#1723011 - Friday 19 November 2010 13:03

Thats exactly what I thought

really231001 | 0

#1723021 - Friday 19 November 2010 13:07

Thats exactly what I thought

_Annonymous_ | 0

#1723645 - Friday 19 November 2010 16:20

me too

By knownunknown101 | 0

#1722727 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:06

well at least she said please hahah

fatalkiss | 0

#1725867 - Saturday 20 November 2010 8:12

hahahaha ya

By marinus_fml | 19

#1722766 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:11

Awww what an adorable kid!!

By locachick101 | 0

#1722784 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:13

hahaha that's funny.. the kid just wants to sleep not get a headache geez!

By MagicMushrooms | 0

#1722788 - Friday 19 November 2010 12:13

Listen to her.