Miscellaneous: Today, I asked my dad if I was a planned baby. He asked me if... - FML

By Michael tee - 11/08/2011 20:11 - United States

Today, I asked my dad if I was a planned baby. He asked me if the crazy drunken party he and my mom had nine months prior to my birth counted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 318

You deserved it 5 009

Walk the line

Revelations

What did I do?

By Reggie - 27/04/2018 19:00

Today, my mom won the lottery. My biological mom who I only met last year, after 33 years of not knowing who she was. She is sharing her millions with her kids, but that doesn't include me as I "don't count". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 796

You deserved it 612

By beautyschool22 - 11/06/2012 23:39 - United States

Today, I talked to my father for the first time in several years. I proudly told him that I have been attending Beauty School. He looked me up and down and said, "Doesn't look like you've learned much." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 499

You deserved it 3 244

By DirtyCharmed - 01/11/2011 06:29 - United States

Today, I'm very ill. My throat and glands are so swollen that whenever I fall asleep, I relax too much and cut off my own air. The doctor said it's a viral infection and there's nothing they can give me, so I can choose between trying to kill myself by sleeping or staying awake for the next few days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 612

You deserved it 2 618

By bigdaddy - 25/09/2009 15:01 - United States

Today, while brushing my teeth my 5 year old son walks into the bathroom. He gave me a mean look and said, "That Sammy's toothbrush, not yours." I have been brushing my teeth with the dog's toothbrush for two months now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 172

You deserved it 8 550

By iSamsung - 06/03/2016 14:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I decided to make new friends, so I sat with the lonely guy at lunch. Now he keeps following me, with his phone in a camera position. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 676

You deserved it 2 475

Full of…

By weman - 04/09/2021 02:00

Today, I went to the doctor to see if she could check a lump in my vagina. She pushed the lump and asked, "Does this make you want to use the bathroom for a number 2?" I said yes. Turns out, it’s hard poop pushing against my intestines and the outside vagina wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 915

You deserved it 123

By Anonymous - 28/08/2015 07:21 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my girlfriend uninvited to me a party because she said her ex would be there, and since she hasn't told him about us, she didn't want him getting upset. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 800

You deserved it 2 853

By gassy - 12/02/2013 14:18 - United States

Today, I had my new boyfriend come over. Within five minutes of him arriving, I accidentally let one rip. Shocked, I quickly tried to explain it away with, "That was my shoe." I was barefoot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 128

You deserved it 35 570

By damnbananas - 24/01/2011 20:38 - United States

Today, while at school, I slipped on a wet patch in the hall and fell over, smacking my head against the floor. I laid there for a good five minutes in agonizing pain while people literally walked over me. Not a single person bothered to help me up or ask if I was okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 520

You deserved it 4 325

Kids are gross

By Shawn - 28/03/2021 05:01

Today, I taught my 18 month-old daughter to wipe the green, snotty mucus from under her nose with a tissue. To which, like a ninja, she then wiped my open-mouthed upper lip with that same snotty tissue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 733

You deserved it 158

By Anonymous - 30/05/2013 20:25 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my mum made me take her poodle on a walk, which she'd dressed in a tiara and a pink dog dress. Being a 19-year-old guy, I was pissed. After I got home, I saw that my mom had filmed me from the window and posted it to Facebook, to everyone's great delight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 426

You deserved it 6 095

By notcool - 15/12/2009 21:49 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend upset because my best friend has begun stripping to pay for school. His response was, "Where and what time does she work?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 433

You deserved it 8 812

By kitkat - 17/09/2014 19:48 - United States

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend. He said it was because he lived 2 hours away, but I think the ultrasound photos his other girlfriend posted proudly on his Facebook wall are the real reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 288

You deserved it 4 434

By Anonymous - 14/04/2009 14:07 - United States

Today, I was walking through the park eating fries. There was an old woman feeding a few pigeons. They didn't seem too interested, so I threw some fries down as I walked by to try and help her out. About 2 minutes later, I heard screaming. A huge group of pigeons were attacking the old woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 458

You deserved it 19 854

By toelie - 03/03/2018 19:00

Today, at 6 weeks pregnant, I went to the ER in the middle of the night for severe abdominal pain, fearing ectopic pregnancy. Turns out it was just a wayward turd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 808

You deserved it 459

By errints234234 - 13/05/2010 23:31 - United States

Today, I was reading a magazine while straightening my hair. I got really into this one article until suddenly a huge clump of hair fell on it. I looked up and realized I had burned through the layer of hair I was straightening, leaving me with one layer at ear length and the rest at bra length. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 668

You deserved it 47 341

By shootme - 13/11/2011 22:46 - Canada

Today, like every day, I used my phone while taking a dump. As I reached for some toilet paper to wipe myself, my sister pounded on the door for me to hurry up. I yelled "Fine," and without realizing it, wiped myself with my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 326

You deserved it 58 443

By Anonymous - 07/06/2009 13:50 - South Africa

Today, I went to a huge party. My ex boyfriend was there who I still have feelings for, so I decided to make him jealous by making out with the really drunk guy next to me. While we were making out, he threw up in my mouth and all over me. Everybody found it hysterical including my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 727

You deserved it 95 249

By EnglandRocks - 12/03/2015 18:03 - Switzerland - Bern

Today, it is the one-year anniversary of my mother's death. It's also the day my father chose to announce his engagement to the whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 246

You deserved it 2 746

By Anon - 14/10/2010 08:00 - United States

Today, after a small fight with my girlfriend, I started to miss her, so I typed her name into Google on a whim. Surprisingly, I find a link to a blog in which the owner describes his ongoing effort to seduce my girl. During times she told me she was alone. Thanks babe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 626

You deserved it 3 481

By Garcia2284 - 13/09/2018 13:00

Today, I asked a customer three times before he saw the doctor if he had any medical insurance and he replied "no" each time. Paying his bill out of pocket, this dude had the nerve to ask, "So why didn't my medical insurance cover this?" He had coverage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 893

You deserved it 140

By Chris Chandler - 02/11/2018 17:30

Today, I was so parched I had to take way too long at the water fountain. I was drinking for so long a line started to form. As I finished my drink, the guy behind me puked on my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 339

You deserved it 493

The movie of my life

By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 05:02

Today, I learnt my boyfriend has just been using me for character development for the last 5 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 799

You deserved it 106

By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 00:03 - Germany - Mannheim

Today, my car is still in the shop, so I asked my psycho brother to drive me to the mall. He sped up to nearly 20km over the speed limit, so I shouted for him to stop before he got us both killed. He hit the brakes in the middle of an intersection, and wouldn't move again until I got out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 215

You deserved it 8 137

By Bro - 25/03/2019 12:00

Today, I found out that my wife of five years is also my half-sister. She has no idea, I don't know how to tell her, and I've never been more turned on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 460

You deserved it 755

By Anonymous - 23/05/2014 02:36 - United States - Rockland

Spicy

Today, I accidentally ripped out my boyfriend's insulin pump while trying to give him a lapdance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 536

You deserved it 17 136

By steve - 23/12/2011 03:02 - United States

Today, I ran full speed into a brick wall because I saw a tiger. On the other side of a zoo cage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 419

You deserved it 35 757

By cait - 30/04/2009 19:44 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to get the Apple store, my Mac had been making a grinding noise from the fan. The guy put his ear to the keyboard and said there was a CD in the drive so I couldn't hear the grinding from the fan. He ejected the CD. It was porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 626

You deserved it 100 020

By NUsConstantine - 19/10/2009 03:04 - United States

Today, my research partner emails me 2 hours before our deadline saying that she can't complete her half of our 20 page report because when she woke up this morning she couldn't see. How did she write the email? FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 724

You deserved it 2 653

By Anonymous - 06/12/2011 02:31 - United States

Today, my husband and I got into an argument. I tried to assault him with a laptop. He yelled, "Don't hit me with the computer." My apartment neighbor yelled through the wall, "Do what you gotta do, girl." FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 668

You deserved it 45 954

By xXfloatingshitlogXx - 03/11/2012 16:04 - Norway - Jessheim

Today, my extremely overweight roommate decided to not only be a nudist, but also to get in shape for his new lifestyle. He's been doing naked lunges in our room for the last twenty minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 020

You deserved it 2 150

The real me

By Claire - 17/12/2020 17:01

Today, I finally told my parents I'm trans. My dad started crying and told me he loved me no matter what. My mother threw a chair at me, and told my dad it was his "wife-like" behaviour that made me this way. She then prayed out loud for an hour for God to send her a real husband and son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 720

You deserved it 533

By dude - 20/01/2009 14:01 - France

Today, I called up my ex girlfriend to ask her if I could come round hers to get my pyjamas back. She replied: "I'm keeping them just in case..." - "In case of what?" - "In case I want to dress up like an asshole". FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 494

You deserved it 28 877

By looke27 - 13/11/2010 07:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought she was stronger than me so we arm wrestled. She won. I used both hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 228

You deserved it 37 450

Error!

By Anonymous - 29/12/2019 03:00

Today, I called my cell phone tech support to help with my Samsung device. They sent me contact info for Apple support. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 442

You deserved it 228

By Fitz - 12/04/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, a woman drove through my house. She was texting and eating watermelon at the same time. I didn't know that was even possible, but now my house is condemned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 133 849

You deserved it 6 190

By Icey_dan1 - 10/10/2010 15:16 - France

Today, I tried to jump between the train doors to make it in on time. And missed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 796

You deserved it 27 546

By skygoddess - 28/07/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I was at my job as a flight attendant. A passenger on my plane stopped breathing and turned blue. As I cleared his airways and was busy strapping an oxygen mask to his face, the passenger behind him tried to hand me her trash. Apparently I'm a walking trash can, no matter what I'm doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 417

You deserved it 3 322

By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 08:00 - Australia

Spicy

Today, after much thought and serious consideration, I nervously admitted to my boyfriend that I'm bisexual. The first thing that he said in response was: "Want a threesome?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 462

You deserved it 40 785

By Wraith - 06/11/2013 17:27 - Canada - Holland Landing

Today, because I'm tall enough to see over the cubicle walls at work, I witnessed my 50-year-old co-worker pulling his finger out of his nose and immediately popping it into his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 628

You deserved it 4 771

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Top comments

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:03

I've never been brave enough to ask, I was afraid I'd get an answer like this one..

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:03

Yes, that counts.

Comments

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:03

third!

americanhoney4 6

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:05

Trouble counting?

Thabb 0

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:06

Comment deleted!

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:03

I'm sorry.

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:08

yes quite planned indeed :)

genesisnirvana 11

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:17

You shouldn't be sorry.OP was obviously a planned baby.

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:26

well he did plan that party

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:32

BTW it doesn't.

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Friday 12 August 2011 2:01

You totally deserved it.

MC18 0

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Friday 12 August 2011 2:26

That's rough...

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Friday 12 August 2011 2:34

my dad told me that the worst STD you can have is a child............ we both started laughing

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Friday 12 August 2011 2:50

Well if OP's parents didn't want him/her they could've gotten rid of him/her quite easily. No matter if OP was "planned" or not, it's obvious s/he was wanted.

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Friday 12 August 2011 3:02

On the bright side, at least he didn't scream "I wish I'd never adopted you!" That would have been a messed up way to find out that, not only were you not planned, but you were adopted.

EagorLuvsBigFoot 8

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Friday 12 August 2011 3:49

Shadow1368 why did you use the same pic as shroomz? v confusing.

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Friday 12 August 2011 6:27

#80 sorry do u want me to change it? it's no trouble if I do. My friend and I were sending each other pictures and she told me to save that one cause it's cool, so I did. I didn't know someone else on FML had that, sorry guys!

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Friday 12 August 2011 7:01

71- An FML reference. Good for you

Charlie1993_fml 0

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Friday 12 August 2011 8:05

Awesomeeeee :)

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Friday 12 August 2011 8:20

Last time I heard that one I laughed so hard that I fell off my dinosaur

IAm1AwesomeChick 7

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Friday 12 August 2011 9:02

Op wasn't planned but at least the father didn't say he was a mistake.

Jaxx66 21

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Friday 12 August 2011 9:10

Exactly 145. Most kids aren't actually 'planned' they are wanted, but a vast majority of the time you don't seek out having sex to get pregnant, it happens and it makes you happy :)

a_nutritionist 10

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Friday 12 August 2011 13:03

you dont know that they were wanted either...many people have kids cos they dont feel abortion is right. then they go on to bitch about how they 'dont feel they should be punished forever for a mistake they made when they were young'...as though anybody cares. so what it comes down to is, you asked a question, they answered, if you couldnt handle hearing it then dont ask. ydi.

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:03

third!

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:03

I've never been brave enough to ask, I was afraid I'd get an answer like this one..

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:18

what does "OP" stand for?

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:24

Orange Poop

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:25

#22 Original Poster

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:25

Octopus poo.

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:28

Octagonal Pussy

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:31

You ruined it 28

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:34

Oh, well I'm sorry for actually telling #22 what it meant because they actually wanted to know.

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:35

Oprah's penis.

AnagenisisZagus 13

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:50

Oprah Pimphry.

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:50

Overgrown Prostate

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:58

Optimus Prime

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Friday 12 August 2011 2:11

Overweight popo

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Friday 12 August 2011 2:15

oblong punani

xShannonxSammyx 7

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Friday 12 August 2011 2:44

OMNOMNOM Pie.

EagorLuvsBigFoot 8

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Friday 12 August 2011 3:47

O-busive PaPa.

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Friday 12 August 2011 4:02

Orgasmic proctologist.

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Friday 12 August 2011 4:08

Open pussy

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Friday 12 August 2011 6:23

C-c-combo breaker! And I love (sarcasm) how everyone thumbs down my comment because I told that person what it actually meant. Are u people that rude?

Brool_Story_Co 17

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Friday 12 August 2011 6:39

Ovular Penis

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Friday 12 August 2011 8:06

it stands for original poster :)

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Friday 12 August 2011 8:17

It can stand for whatever you want it to stand for

RetardedBullFrog 4

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Friday 12 August 2011 8:18

Obese Pornstar

Brool_Story_Co 17

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Friday 12 August 2011 8:20

Way to ruin it 136

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Friday 12 August 2011 8:26

Oriental Pimp

Jvr91 8

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Friday 12 August 2011 8:43

Now you gave it away for sure 141

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Friday 12 August 2011 8:57

thank you!

ShawnzieNstuff 6

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Friday 12 August 2011 9:23

Ovulating punani

cmac86 23

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Friday 12 August 2011 9:33

Agreed. Sometimes ignorance truly is bliss.

SecretlyEvil9792 22

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Friday 12 August 2011 13:34

WTF just happened here?

a_nutritionist 10

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Friday 12 August 2011 13:35

it stands for truth, justice and the american way. it doesnt however stand for any of your crap, so shut the fuck up.

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Friday 12 August 2011 17:09

Ruiner

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Sunday 14 August 2011 5:06

This girl is hot n op stands for overgrown pubes

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Tuesday 25 October 2011 4:39

And not one C-C-C-Combo Breaker? This thread stands to be original!

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:03

Yes, that counts.

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Friday 12 August 2011 6:11

words of a god

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Friday 12 August 2011 7:13

It's not that no one wants you, it's that no one wanted you... Feel better?

lovelydarlings 6

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:05

Yes, yes it does.

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:05

I was an accident too. if they had another chance, I'm sure they would mean to have you. that's why it's called an accident

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:45

If they would have done it over again I think they wouldnt have had her at all.

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Friday 12 August 2011 2:21

#43, from this FML there's no way you can glean that information.

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Friday 12 August 2011 2:43

I was just responding to 8, so don't hate.

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Friday 12 August 2011 2:51

I don't believe that's why they call it an accident. I believe an accident is unintended result.

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Friday 12 August 2011 2:55

55- also what does "glean" mean?

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Friday 12 August 2011 4:33

Look it up or use context clues. Lazy...

Blueglasscup 18

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Friday 12 August 2011 5:05

I'm an accident too and an only child... I never had to ask though since my dad never stopped talking about how I wasn't planned since I was 8... :

a_nutritionist 10

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Friday 12 August 2011 13:40

yes i crashed my car by accident, of course now if i was given another chance id mean to crash it. thats why they call it an accident...excuse me, i have to go for a drive.

taytoc 10

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:06

Sorry op :( the next time your dad asks for a hand or something go over and help for five seconds and ask if that counted

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:07

Don't feel bad, I wasn't planed either. To be honest my parents only stayed together because I was born. The important thing is that you are alive now! With only one life so short you must make the best of it. Don't question the past but look towards the future!

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Friday 12 August 2011 2:25

Okay, so RabidBunny's words were a little cliched and trite, but way to make him feel bad about offering consolation to the OP. Check out the first sentence on his profile. How fitting.

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Friday 12 August 2011 2:55

35 oh shut the fuck up :)

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Friday 12 August 2011 13:54

You must have had a rough life? Always trolling and bringing down others and that to by using a keyboard :D

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:07

No one ever really plans to have a baby anymore. Unless they're fucking crazy or old.

Ch0sen 13

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Friday 12 August 2011 7:43

Your parents must have been fucking crazy and old. So how are they doing now?

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Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:08

Amicably divorced for 10 years. However, I did say "anymore" meaning now-a-days and not my parents generation so your comment is moot... And mine is very late in coming.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 17

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40

You deserved it 19

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 544

You deserved it 156

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 241