Today, as I was working at my babysitting job, I was watching... - FML

By Karie-Rose - 6/2/2010 06:28 - United States

Today, as I was working at my babysitting job, I was watching a 3.5 year old girl. She begged and begged me to come in the jacuzzi with her, and when I put on my 2-piece bathing suit on, the young girl asked me why my stomach looked like a bagel. I looked down just to realize she was right. FML

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Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Don't give up

Peaky Bladders

By terry - 2/11/2009 01:22 - United States

Today, I was DJing for a church event where I was stationed in the middle and everyone was sitting behind me. I walked over to get something to drink and eat and come back with glaring looks. My screensaver had came on with pictures of my naked girlfriend. FML

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By browngirl - 29/9/2013 04:16 - Canada - Vernon

Today, at work, a lady came in to have her glasses fixed. When she opened her case, an earwig crawled out. Instead of trying to kill it, she just left it and watched as it crawled over my desk and behind my computer. I later found the earwig in my hair. FML

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By peepa - 10/9/2017 04:30

Today, I finished my last day of job training. At the beginning, the boss had told us to ask as many questions as possible. I was fired because I asked too many questions. FML

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By unknown951 - 29/11/2010 07:11

Today, I went to the doctor because recently I've had a white liquid coming from my breast. I found out it's milk. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2014 17:56 - United States

Today, I was looking at some cellphones with my dad, when an assistant asked if we needed help. My dad said, "Yeah, does this have parental controls? My son watches some freaky stuff, some damn freaky stuff." I don't watch anything weird, but thanks for humiliating me, dad. FML

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By alyssaamarante - 13/6/2015 02:41 - United States - East Northport

Today, I decided to go thrifting to save some money. Ironically, I ended up having to pay for an emergency trip to the hospital because somebody was too lazy to wash the cat hair off their clothes. I'm severely allergic to cats. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2015 11:40

Today, my soon to be ex-wife told her friends that we're getting a divorce because I'm physically abusive. I guess that sounded better than the truth: that she waited 8 months into her pregnancy to tell me that the child probably isn't even mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 18:23 - United States

Today, my six year old daughter discovered the family's pet rabbit in the basement freezer. The rabbit had died almost a year ago, and we'd stored it in the freezer, intending to bury it later. Here's to the trauma of losing the family pet. Twice. FML

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By brittbrat4 - 5/7/2011 00:25 - United States

Today, I was jamming out in my car, tapping my fingers on the wheel and bobbing my head. At the next stoplight, I happened to look over and the passenger of the car next to me was holding a sign in the window saying, "I bet you don't have a boyfriend, do you?" FML

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By jemma - 4/8/2009 11:27 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend was reading me a love poem he wrote for me. It was beautiful, and going really well until he read the last line, which had a girl's name in it. It wasn't my name. My boyfriend said "shit, wrong girl", and dug through his bag for a different poem. FML

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By outagrand - 1/8/2009 14:08 - Australia

Today, I gave my mother a pre-prepared deposit envelope with my fortnightly wage in it, in cash. I tell her exactly where the deposit box is and what to do. I'm now desperately calling the bank because my mother accidentely put my $1200 deposit in the little trash can for receipts under the ATM. FML

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By Username - 17/3/2011 04:04

Today, my daughter went potty. Just as she always does, she came up to me and announced, "I flushed, and wiped, and shut the light off." Then she did something brand new. She covered my face with her hand and asked, "Do these fingers smell?" They did. FML

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By NaKreen - 30/7/2012 22:21 - Sweden - Bor

Today, I was at a barbecue with my extended family. I was chatting to my grandma, when my idiotic brother decided to douse the grill with his cola. The hissing sounded so much like a Minecraft creeper that I instinctively screamed and practically shat my pants. FML

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By wayne - 7/12/2011 10:28 - New Zealand

Today, I overcame my fear of swimming in lakes and went for a swim. I got bitten by an eel. FML

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By fml9124 - 5/9/2019 20:00

Et tu, Doggo?

Today, as usual, my neighbor's 9 year-old son came over after school. I work from home so he stays until his mom gets home. My dog mopes around the house until 3 p.m., then gets all excited because he has a friend to play with. I'm almost jealous because a dog I've had for 11 years likes him more than me. FML

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By yamaha_313 - 11/8/2015 04:20 - United States - Wartburg

Today, my 82-year-old great grandfather informed me that his "peeter" still works, and that most guys his age can't say the same. FML

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By Monroe - 23/6/2011 22:30 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my cousin when I realized my aunt didn't tell me where the diapers were. I searched the entire house, but I had no luck. Then my cousin ripped off the diaper she was wearing and peed on the kitchen floor. FML

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By NoBalls - 12/6/2009 00:23 - United States

Today, my car was in the shop so I borrowed my wife's VW Beetle convertible. It's really embarrassing because it's a girlie car and it's full of little stuffed animals. At a stop light a man asked me if I'd like to borrow one of his testicles because "every man should have at least one." FML

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By hoo flung pu - 3/10/2013 08:26 - United States

Today, my dog figured out she can wipe her butthole on my walls after having squeezed out a turd or two. FML

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By RotoRooter - 17/4/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I was about to get it on with a girl in the bathroom of my friend's house at a party. Just when things started getting heated, a pipe burst. Literally. There was water everywhere and everyone had to evacuate the building. I was cockblocked by poor plumbing. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2015 19:29 - Canada - Foam Lake

We need to talk

Today, I just found my husband on Craigslist. He's working away from home, and he's looking to give a blowjob. FML

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By ._. - 5/6/2013 00:08 - United Kingdom - Letchworth

Today, my wife uttered the soul-crushing words, "But we're married now, why would we have sex?" FML

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By mandy - 10/4/2009 15:35 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my neighbor's kid. We were playing in the yard, when he fell and got a small scratch on his leg. I gasp, and he takes a huge breath in and yells, "FUUUCK!!!" as loud as possible. The parents thought it was me, and the mother slapped me in the face. FML

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By tiredoffamilydinners - 12/1/2012 05:00 - United States

Today, my mom and siblings got into a fight. Being generally quiet and non-confrontational, I stayed out of it. Shortly thereafter, I was yelled at by my mother for being "ungrateful" and "disrespectful." I still don't know what I did wrong. FML

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By spiderwoman - 4/11/2012 17:12 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, while walking home, I really had to pee, so I decided to do my business in some high grass just off the street. When I got home, I felt an itch between my butt cheeks. I went to the bathroom to check it out, and a dead, apparently crushed spider fell out of my underwear. FML

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By Noname - 10/3/2009 15:53 - United States

Today, I stretched out my wedding dress on my bed so it could air out before the big day tomorrow. Later I returned to my room only to find my cat on my wedding dress, it peed on it. FML

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By ricksterile - 29/10/2011 00:44 - United States

Today, we were playing dodgeball at school. I tried to duck and jump around so the idiots on the other team couldn't nail me with the ball. Mid-jump, it tore through the air and smashed straight into my ballsack, sending me curling into a fetal position on the floor. I feel like I got sterilized. FML

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By please don't get the succ - 29/6/2016 18:21 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a sailing instructor, I had to stop kids from getting their asses sucked by a pool filter. FML

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By iamrose - 13/6/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, as I was rehearsing a kissing scene for a play, I realized that before this play, the last guy I had kissed was the same one I was kissing now. It was also for a play. Four and a half years ago. FML

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By toolegittoquit - 18/1/2010 08:28 - United States

Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss just looked at me and said, "No. You can't quit." FML

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By HarleyDavison - 5/10/2014 18:44 - United States - Harrisonville

Today, I went to a parade. While I was there, I ran into my ex and his new girlfriend. Trying to prove I was over him, I tried to act like I was oblivious to them and having a great time. I turned around, only for a piece of candy to hit me square me in the eye. FML

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By EconM - 3/10/2013 15:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to one of the United States Mints since he enjoys coins. He looked at the money and seriously said, "I have such a hard on". He did. FML

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By Lisaa918 - 10/6/2009 14:49 - United States

Today, my two year old daughter was playing in the kitchen. I went to go have a look and she was pretend cooking. When I asked what she was making she said "look mommy, chocolate!" and stuck her finger in my mouth. It wasn't chocolate. FML

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By Chubby - 7/5/2015 11:01 - United States - Lake Worth

Today, my grandmother came to visit and asked me, "Did you change your hair, or are you just fatter now?" FML

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By Eggs - 15/11/2013 05:00 - United States - Port Richey

Today, I fell down in the street when a speeding car chucked a hard-boiled egg at my butt. While I waited for the feeling in my legs to return, they came back and threw more. FML

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By Chels - 4/12/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, I had an elderly man come to my cash register. His total came to $15.50 He handed me $5 in nickels and dimes. A full roll of quarters. Before I could take the roll, he bust it open, making me count it. After that was all counted he was 50 cents short. So he handed me a $10 bill. FML

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By oops - 4/3/2016 21:28 - United States - Mankato

Today, I accidentally farted while shopping. There was an awkward silence followed by a god-awful stink and a lady's little girl bursting into tears. FML

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By sadkid - 25/9/2011 23:23 - United States

Today, my mom called me a bastard, told me I should run away, and said I don't deserve to live in her house. All because I didn't use a plate when I ate a Poptart. FML

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By Random - 4/4/2017 07:00 - Canada - Langley

Today, I told my crush, who I've liked for a while, that I liked him. He looked at me in pure terror and walked away. FML

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By Deweyboy - 10/10/2015 04:33 - United States

Today, while playing a game, my girlfriend told a bunch of our friends that she's never had an orgasm. News to me. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#830445 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:12

Normal-sized women put on bathing SUITS, your gut must look like a bagel shop if you have to put on a SUITE.

Looks like you need to trade in your two-piece for a one-piece and a muumuu. The good news is that your boyfriend likes to give you a schmeer.;)

By mps1969 | 8

#830476 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:21

Oh boy wait for it . Here comes the fat joke comments .

COMMENTS

By connorpwns93 | 0

#830426 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:07

first

Reply

infiniti_G | 0

#831000 - Saturday 6 February 2010 20:05

YDI for saying 3.5 years old.. WTF?

Reply

heeheehoo | 0

#832844 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:08

I know why she said 3.5. Cuz three and a half years old is too long to type for OP.

Reply

julian1179 | 0

#1040820 - Thursday 24 June 2010 5:52

I guess the old saying IS true...

you are what you eat...

Reply

dragonaair | 5

#1600754 - Monday 25 October 2010 12:29

why would a 3 yr old be in a jacuZzi alone?

Reply

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#2514646 - Sunday 15 May 2011 18:08

96 she's 3.5 get it right xD

By perdix | 29

#830445 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:12

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Zapurdead | 0

#831262 - Saturday 6 February 2010 22:25

Maybe she'll never need an inner tube again!

Reply

jasonsaied | 1

#831456 - Saturday 6 February 2010 23:46

yo douche she didn't say suite she said suit

Reply

perdix | 29

#831613 - Sunday 7 February 2010 0:40

It originally said "suite" and they eventually fixed it.

Reply

mikeyboi19 | 5

#832128 - Sunday 7 February 2010 4:20

I honestly asked my gf what a muumuu was cause I thought it was a cute way of saying cow suit

By pepetto | 0

#830454 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:15

Just work out more.

By Person1233 | 12

#830456 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:16

Uh, lose weight? Not an FML, a great realization before you become obese.

By IDOLGIRL | 0

#830460 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:17

sit ups

By babybubz | 0

#830467 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:19

abs circle...

By realggirl | 0

#830471 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:20

It says suit though...

Reply

viper63 | 0

#830492 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:24

ur fat

By viper63 | 0

#830472 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:21

lol FAT

By mps1969 | 8

#830476 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:21

Oh boy wait for it . Here comes the fat joke comments .

Reply

Person1233 | 12

#830490 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:24

LOL URFAT!!!1!1!

^^ I expect to see a few of those.

By perdix | 29

#830483 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:23

Instead of getting a spare tire all the way around the waist, sometimes women get this pooch of fat that congregates right around their belly button. It does look like a donut or a bagel, but is not nearly as taste-tempting.

HTH