Miscellaneous: Today, as I was working at my babysitting job, I was watching... - FML

By Karie-Rose - United States

Today, as I was working at my babysitting job, I was watching a 3.5 year old girl. She begged and begged me to come in the jacuzzi with her, and when I put on my 2-piece bathing suit on, the young girl asked me why my stomach looked like a bagel. I looked down just to realize she was right. FML

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Messed up

Drained

Grow up

By buryuntime - United States

Today, my mother was re-enrolling me in school so she was required to fill out some paper work. Later, she asks me, "What does Caucasian mean?". I ask, "Why?". Apparently she didn't recognize the word so she checked "other" and wrote in "white". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southwold

Today, my parents heard from my sister that I'd recently lost my virginity to my girlfriend. I've never been bitched out so viciously in my life, and yet my sister, whom everyone knows has had numerous casual sexual partners this year, is treated like a princess 24/7. FML

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By FuckMyEyes - Australia - Sydney

Today, I walked in on my sister plucking her nipples. A shame I didn't get a big fuck-off bottle of brain bleach for Christmas. FML

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By Fauna

Today, I started to make a protein shake to have a healthy breakfast. It exploded. Turns out, my mom lost the rubber gasket and put the blender back, so it looked ready to use. By the time I cleaned it all up, it was time for me to leave for work. I'm now eating chips from the vending machine. FML

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By IronMonkey - United States

Useless tools

Today, I work for a company that sells a leading brand of condoms. They give away free condoms to employees at the office. I haven't gotten laid since I began working here. FML

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By Rabite - Germany - Bonn

Today, I called a cab to get me and my cat home from the vet. After a 40 minute wait and three calls to the taxi company, the operator told me that the driver she sent to my location just confirmed that he already has a woman with my name and a cat in his car. FML

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By thewhompingwillow - United States - Springfield

Today, my dog, who has been specially trained to go for help when I'm having a seizure, went to alert my parents downstairs that I was having an emergency. The "emergency" was me masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Redfern

Today, during an otherwise promising job interview, I was asked how much I thought was too much for a "good hit of blow". I must have stayed speechless for too long, because the guy's next words were, "Yeah, you're not cut out for this." I'm shocked and baffled too. FML

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By annonymous - United States

Today, I was talking on the phone with my crush. After an hour of talking she told me, "If you were half as hot as you sound over the phone, I'd date you immediately." Maybe I should give up on love and start a phone sex line. FML

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By deliveryboy - China

Today, I was told that I was an idiot by a little girl because I didn't deliver a pizza to her house fast enough. FML

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By sunny_funny - Cyprus - Nicosia

Today, my car broke down. My colleague came to get me and then, later, my husband picked me up from work. We went to collect my abandoned car, but it was gone. It took 10 minutes of me panicking and thinking it had been stolen before he crumpled in laughter and told me he'd already collected it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I bought $250 worth of groceries and was feeling rather good about myself because it's the first time I've been able to do so in months. When I returned home I found my fridge/freezer broken. Most of the food I bought was dairy or frozen. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was putting my 2 year old to bed, and I began to sing to her. She reached up, put her finger over my lips, and said, "Shhh, Mommy." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in an attempt to potty train my 2-year-old, I sat her on the toilet and waited for several minutes. I finally gave up and lifted her off the toilet just in time for her to pee on my new shoes. FML

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By MyLyfeSux - United States

Today, I went to the restroom at school and when I finished my business, I noticed there was no toilet paper. I then began to wait hoping that a janitor would come by with extra toilet paper. It wasn't until an hour later that I then realized there was 4 extra rolls hidden behind the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my mom if she thought I was straight. She looked at me and said "Well, that's really up to you honey. But your father and I would still love you." I was asking if she thought I had parked straight. FML

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By clearkim - 8/4/2021 17:00

We all grieve in our own ways

Today, it’s the anniversary of my mother’s death. My stepmom decided that since I’m not unusually sad or crying, it must mean I didn’t care that my own mom is dead, and am therefore a psychopath. Anniversaries mean nothing to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cottonwood

Today, I was going for my morning walk, when a guy in a massive truck drove up beside me, with a kid no more than 4 riding shotgun. I lost my faith in humanity when his tiny voice yelled through the window, "Nice ass!" FML

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By erpuchi - Dominican Republic

Today, my girlfriend got a great idea for her history class project... while we were having sex. FML

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By Caught - United States

Today, I was in the car hooking up with my boyfriend. He was on top of me when I noticed my neighbor jogging toward the car. Instead of hiding, I felt compelled to wave as he jogged past us. FML

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By Shooting myself - United States - Hillsboro

Today, trying to do something nice for my brother, I filled up his truck's gas tank. I didn't realize until too late that it's a diesel. FML

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By wasted_gas - United States - Cumming

Today, I woke up, got dressed, and left for the 1 hour drive to the nearest vet. When I arrived, I realized that I left my cat in its carrier on my kitchen counter. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that the electricity company can just show up unannounced and cut off my power, but cannot find the meter for a whole 10 days to switch it on again. It's currently dark and 7°C in my bedroom. FML

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By myennechee - Germany

Today, I asked my boyfriend while he was eating potato chips if he wanted to eat me. He looked at the potato chips, he looked at me and said "Unless your vagina turns into a potato chip, I'd rather eat these." FML

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By jealouspussy - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was giving my guy a blowjob. When he blurted out, "Oh Jesus" I assumed I was doing a good job. I looked up to see the expression on his face and noticed a look of terror. He was staring at my growling cat, two seconds away from clawing his face off. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Qualicum Beach

Today, desperate to meet a guy, I went clubbing. The only guy to show any interest opened with: "You're hot, for a black chick!" FML

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By vetapplez - United States

Today, my boyfriend turned 21 and got drunk at a bar. Being sober, I went through the whole ordeal: calling a cab, carrying him up three flights of stairs, helping him by the toilet, and taking him to bed. Just when I'm about to sleep, he gets up, pushes his shorts down, and pees on me. Twice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Utica

Today, after spending a week defending my marriage to everyone, I found out my husband has an addiction I never knew about. Hookers. FML

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By Satan'sChildren - United States - Oak Creek

Kids…

Today, I was coming home from a much-needed vacation. The time I spent on the plane consisted of kids screaming and throwing tantrums. One of them managed to give me a black eye with a shoe. Their mom pretended to be asleep so I'd have to deal with her kids for her. FML

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By cait - United States - Edmond

Today, within one day of meeting me, my stepmom decided to break up with my dad. Her reason being, "I love you, but I just can’t put up with the kid." I’m 'the kid'. I’m 28 years-old. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Global stinking

Today, my boyfriend told me he thinks brushing his teeth and doing anything basically hygienic is unnecessary now, because, "we're all going to die out around about 2050 anyway." FML

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By I will find you and I will fucking fuck y - United Kingdom - Falmouth

Today, I woke up from a short nap, only to find two waxing strips stuck to my eyebrows. I now have very little of my eyebrows remaining, and just as little idea which idiot in my family pulled this stupid excuse of a prank. FML

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By Munkeh - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Faithful

Today, I found out that my partner thinks love is more meaningful than sex, so it's okay to stick his penis in someone else. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to a theme park. The first ride I went on broke down just as my cart reached the highest point. I had a nice view of my loving family laughing at me while management failed to fix the rollercoaster. FML

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By Text - United States

Today, I asked my friend to stop texting me, because I'm on a limited plan and didn't want to go over my limit. She responded by getting a group of her friends to text bomb me. I got well over a hundred one-word texts. FML

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By Eyebrowless - United States - Willingboro

Today, I decided to wax my eyebrows. My entire eyebrow came off. FML

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By twitterfailsme - Israel - Rishon Le Zion

Today, I googled myself in preparation for my upcoming job interview. Turns out there's a girl on Twitter with my name and age who tweets nonstop about getting wasted and being on probation. She won't make her profile private. FML

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I will always be in her thought

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after being "pressured" into a relationship with another guy. But it's okay, she said she would think of me every time she made love to him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my "best friend" invited me to drink with her and a couple other friends. She told me to "just bring a few bucks for beer". When I got there, no one else had brought money, including her. They only invited me because I'm the only one with a job. FML

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By abbyleigh08 - United States

Today, I told my mom I want to try out for American Idol. She responded with, "You don't take disappointment well." FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#830445 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:12

Normal-sized women put on bathing SUITS, your gut must look like a bagel shop if you have to put on a SUITE.

Looks like you need to trade in your two-piece for a one-piece and a muumuu. The good news is that your boyfriend likes to give you a schmeer.;)

By mps1969 | 8

#830476 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:21

Oh boy wait for it . Here comes the fat joke comments .

COMMENTS

By connorpwns93 | 0

#830426 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:07

first

Reply

infiniti_G | 0

#831000 - Saturday 6 February 2010 20:05

YDI for saying 3.5 years old.. WTF?

Reply

heeheehoo | 0

#832844 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:08

I know why she said 3.5. Cuz three and a half years old is too long to type for OP.

Reply

julian1179 | 0

#1040820 - Thursday 24 June 2010 5:52

I guess the old saying IS true...

you are what you eat...

Reply

dragonaair | 5

#1600754 - Monday 25 October 2010 12:29

why would a 3 yr old be in a jacuZzi alone?

Reply

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#2514646 - Sunday 15 May 2011 18:08

96 she's 3.5 get it right xD

By perdix | 29

#830445 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:12

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Zapurdead | 0

#831262 - Saturday 6 February 2010 22:25

Maybe she'll never need an inner tube again!

Reply

jasonsaied | 1

#831456 - Saturday 6 February 2010 23:46

yo douche she didn't say suite she said suit

Reply

perdix | 29

#831613 - Sunday 7 February 2010 0:40

It originally said "suite" and they eventually fixed it.

Reply

mikeyboi19 | 5

#832128 - Sunday 7 February 2010 4:20

I honestly asked my gf what a muumuu was cause I thought it was a cute way of saying cow suit

By pepetto | 0

#830454 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:15

Just work out more.

By Person1233 | 12

#830456 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:16

Uh, lose weight? Not an FML, a great realization before you become obese.

By IDOLGIRL | 0

#830460 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:17

sit ups

By babybubz | 0

#830467 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:19

abs circle...

By realggirl | 0

#830471 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:20

It says suit though...

Reply

viper63 | 0

#830492 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:24

ur fat

By viper63 | 0

#830472 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:21

lol FAT

By mps1969 | 8

#830476 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:21

Oh boy wait for it . Here comes the fat joke comments .

Reply

Person1233 | 12

#830490 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:24

LOL URFAT!!!1!1!

^^ I expect to see a few of those.

By perdix | 29

#830483 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:23

Instead of getting a spare tire all the way around the waist, sometimes women get this pooch of fat that congregates right around their belly button. It does look like a donut or a bagel, but is not nearly as taste-tempting.

HTH