Today, as I was working at my babysitting job, I was watching... - FML

By Karie-Rose - United States

Today, as I was working at my babysitting job, I was watching a 3.5 year old girl. She begged and begged me to come in the jacuzzi with her, and when I put on my 2-piece bathing suit on, the young girl asked me why my stomach looked like a bagel. I looked down just to realize she was right. FML

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Dangling modifier

Hi mom!

Always ask for documentation

By Stoopid - United States

Today, I came home to find a BMW partially blocking my driveway. I was already having a bad day, and was upset that some stuck up fool blocked my driveway, so I keyed the driver's side. 5 minutes later my parents show up. The BMW was a graduation gift for me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend. She dumped me because she was moving to Wyoming. I guess Wyoming is code for my friend's apartment. FML

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By dangit - United States

Today, I was wearing my favorite silk sweater, one I actually paid full price for. I sat down in my desk chair to work, and when I tried to get up I felt a strange pull. A corner of my sweater is still stuck in the screw at the back of the chair, the rest is in the trash. FML

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By suxx - United States

Today, I walked around for hours with a post-it on my back reading "I JUST HAD SEX!" My boyfriend stuck it on me. FML

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By Anon - United States - Omaha

Today, I proudly told my family I lost 15 pounds. My dad looked me up and down and said, "Well, you've got a looooong way to go." FML

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By HK - United Kingdom - Haywards Heath

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me because I refused to keep him company while he took a shit. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan

Today, I was in a store using the only bathroom there. After I was done, I realized I couldn't open the door. Panicked it locked me in, I banged on the door, and screamed for help. The security and a whole group of people gathered, only to find that I was pulling the door instead of pushing it. FML

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By shay786 - 5/5/2020 17:00

My eyes!

Today, I heard grunting and then realized it was my tenant with his boyfriend. When I went down to do my laundry, I caught them in the act. FML

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By corasmom - United States

Today, I learned that my daughter's gerbils are not afraid of the vacuum cleaner. FML

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By marlow - Canada

Today, the guy sitting beside me on the bus fell asleep and just drooled on me. FML

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By deadmedia - Canada

Today, my best friend informed me that I could not be her maid of honour because I "wasn't as pretty as the other bridesmaids" and she wanted her wedding photos to have "consistency". FML

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By vanessa_d15 - Canada

Today, I was together with a few of my friends when I got up the courage to confess I have an eating disorder. One of my friends then said "... but you're not skinny." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, in addition to having to deal with chronic pain that keeps me from driving for more than 10 minutes, I now have to deal with my brother who thinks I'm not paying him enough for taking me to school 2 days a week, when he does the journeys for himself anyway. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to Auto Zone because my car was having trouble starting, and I thought it was the battery. The guy checked it with their reader, and confirmed it was dying. Right after he put the battery in, my starter died. I had to get my car towed to the shop. FML

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By Sedici - United States

Today, I got screamed at, threatened, cursed, and spat on by an elderly couple for "running them off the road". I was driving an ambulance, lights and sirens on, with a 4 year old in the back who couldn't breathe. They were going 20 in a 50mph zone for 2 miles straight. FML

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By limping - Canada

Today, in revenge for being grounded for bullying a kid at school, my eight-year-old son flung a handful of Lego in my path as I walked barefoot into the kitchen. I'm still in pain. 5ML

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By rainperson - France - Paris

Today, and as always, I recycle my trash at work: paper in the yellow trashcan, the rest in the black one. This morning, I saw a cleaning lady empty the contents of the black trashcan into the yellow one, put the whole lot into a big plastic bag and then leave as if this was normal. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was fired from my job for sexual harassment. I was shopping after work, and I had to get my female manager to give me a package of extra-large condoms from the lockbox. I could not convince her that I was not flirting, and she took it to HR. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, I screamed, used one of my employees as a human shield, dove for cover, and cried. Why? A bat flew into my store. Bats scare me shitless. FML

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By WTFsalad - United States

Today, I was leaving Wal-Mart with my daughter when a man was speeding the wrong way in the parking lot. To avoid getting hit, I pulled over to the side. He thought I was going the wrong way. He got out cursing and screaming and punched a dent in my hood. FML

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By Dante - United States

Today, I got the repair estimate for my car. It is going to cost me $3,000 to rebuild the front end. It was wrecked because a couple decided to have a lovers spat in the middle of the freeway. I had that car for exactly four hours. FML

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By Fmycatslife - United States

Today, I got my cat stuffed after her death. I brought her home and set her down by my couch. I guess my dog thought it was a new chew toy. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my dad came home and said that he was so inspired by hip hop dancers on TV that he decided to take a hip hop dance class. He signed up for the class that my girlfriend teaches. FML

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By Joey

Today, I stepped outside my house for the first time in a year, trying to socialize again. I broke my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was forced to spend three hours looking at a fat guy's butt crack, seated directly in front of me in an exam. I'm pretty sure it lowered my grade. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my stalker is my mom's new boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, my girlfriend was suspended from work after she was caught fucking one of her co-workers. FML

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By emopoe - United States

Today, my boyfriend let me know that when we met, he wouldn't have even talked to me if I was as fat as I am now. But lucky for me, he stays with me because, "there's love or something." FML

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By sasd32 - United States

Today, I called a potential employer. I left a message asking him to return my call. When he did, my drunk friend answered my phone with "I make a sexy-time with my mother in-law." I called him back twice immediately to explain. No answer. That was my last hope for a decent job. FML

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By Taylor - United States

Today, while having sex, my boyfriend decided to sing the Star Wars theme song as he entered his penis into me. FML

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By Is McDonald's Hiring?

Today, I was sternly told that if I didn't pass more students, I would be out of a job. I then went to my class to collect papers, and was stymied by how I could be giving passing grades to the 12 of 24 who didn't turn anything in. College students. FML

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By CoA - United States - Dekalb

Today, at my new job, I realized I have been spending too much time with just my cat. As I passed some coworkers in the hall, I nodded and gave them the "slow blink of trust" that is used with cats. FML

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By sotter42 - 20/7/2020 17:01

Meddling

Today, my father-in-law decided he was going to just completely take over our engagement party, so now my fiancé just wants to go to Reno and get married there. FML

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By he wasn't even playing - Australia - Corrimal

Today, my boyfriend told me he wouldn't be able to cover his share of the rent because he didn't work during the week, saying business has been slow. I checked and found out he called in sick four times. He wanted to stay home and watch online gaming matches. FML

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By Sam - Canada

Today, I bought an iTunes giftcard worth $50. I tried to scratch off the little silver thing covering the code with a pair of scissors. I scratched so much that it's now unreadable. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2020 14:02

Oh, hai Mark!

Today, my wife got back from a "homesick" trip to NY State. She brought her boyfriend back with her. FML

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By deardaughter - Australia

Today, I walked into the kitchen to find my father trimming his pubes over the bin with our kitchen scissors. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway

Today, I woke up with a hangover. I had a party last night. Besides a stolen TV, someone seemingly decided to take a dump in my piano. FML

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By hail science!

Today, I got into a heated argument with my mom. Apparently, my seeking medicinal treatments for my cancer is blasphemous. According to her, I should just pray my cancer away. FML

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By "willkftw"

Today, despite putting all the food in the fridge, taking all the rubbish outside, cleaning the house top to bottom and setting up bait, we're still dealing with a bloody huge ant problem. I've now got a rash all over from being bitten while I sleep. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#830445 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:12

Normal-sized women put on bathing SUITS, your gut must look like a bagel shop if you have to put on a SUITE.

Looks like you need to trade in your two-piece for a one-piece and a muumuu. The good news is that your boyfriend likes to give you a schmeer.;)

By mps1969 | 8

#830476 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:21

Oh boy wait for it . Here comes the fat joke comments .

COMMENTS

By connorpwns93 | 0

#830426 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:07

first

Reply

infiniti_G | 0

#831000 - Saturday 6 February 2010 20:05

YDI for saying 3.5 years old.. WTF?

Reply

heeheehoo | 0

#832844 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:08

I know why she said 3.5. Cuz three and a half years old is too long to type for OP.

Reply

julian1179 | 0

#1040820 - Thursday 24 June 2010 5:52

I guess the old saying IS true...

you are what you eat...

Reply

dragonaair | 5

#1600754 - Monday 25 October 2010 12:29

why would a 3 yr old be in a jacuZzi alone?

Reply

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#2514646 - Sunday 15 May 2011 18:08

96 she's 3.5 get it right xD

By perdix | 29

#830445 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:12

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Zapurdead | 0

#831262 - Saturday 6 February 2010 22:25

Maybe she'll never need an inner tube again!

Reply

jasonsaied | 1

#831456 - Saturday 6 February 2010 23:46

yo douche she didn't say suite she said suit

Reply

perdix | 29

#831613 - Sunday 7 February 2010 0:40

It originally said "suite" and they eventually fixed it.

Reply

mikeyboi19 | 5

#832128 - Sunday 7 February 2010 4:20

I honestly asked my gf what a muumuu was cause I thought it was a cute way of saying cow suit

By pepetto | 0

#830454 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:15

Just work out more.

By Person1233 | 12

#830456 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:16

Uh, lose weight? Not an FML, a great realization before you become obese.

By IDOLGIRL | 0

#830460 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:17

sit ups

By babybubz | 0

#830467 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:19

abs circle...

By realggirl | 0

#830471 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:20

It says suit though...

Reply

viper63 | 0

#830492 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:24

ur fat

By viper63 | 0

#830472 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:21

lol FAT

By mps1969 | 8

#830476 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:21

Oh boy wait for it . Here comes the fat joke comments .

Reply

Person1233 | 12

#830490 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:24

LOL URFAT!!!1!1!

^^ I expect to see a few of those.

By perdix | 29

#830483 - Saturday 6 February 2010 16:23

Instead of getting a spare tire all the way around the waist, sometimes women get this pooch of fat that congregates right around their belly button. It does look like a donut or a bagel, but is not nearly as taste-tempting.

HTH