Today, I was playing basketball, and while trying to jump and...

By Tanny - 19/4/2017 04:00

Today, I was playing basketball, and while trying to jump and shoot, I farted on the face of the person behind me. FML

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Race against the clock

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

By so bored -__- - 25/2/2012 04:18 - United States

Today, my parents dragged me along to a family soccer game. I got so bored watching a bunch of grown men practically buttfucking each other between kicking balls around the field, that I fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later to an empty field and had to walk five miles back home. FML

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By Icy - 27/12/2010 08:43 - United States

Today, I was walking to the bus stop. I saw a chunk of ice and attempted to kick it. Sadly it was frozen to the ground, so I fell, broke my toe, and missed the bus. Even the bus driver was laughing as he drove by. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2012 21:37 - United States

Today, while getting pretty intimate with my newlywed wife in the car, a cop turned his lights on. As he was walking up, I was trying to get my pants back on but they wouldn't fit over my knees. The cop just laughed and walked away. Turns out my wife had my pants on and I was trying to put hers on. FML

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By HousemateHorror - 20/11/2017 19:00

Today, I walked into my dorm to find the guy I have feelings for sleeping with my roommate. I signed a lease with them for next year and can't back out now. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 21:24 - United States

Today, my new girlfriend was telling me how she's attracted to "All-American" looking guys. Tall, manly body, handsome face. Then she says, "But it's ok, you're cute too." FML

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By Misky - 2/7/2012 02:51

Today, I was walking past a homeless guy while smoking; he asked if he could have a cigarette. So I gave him one and said without thinking, "Sorry, it’s a menthol, but beggars can't be choosers." FML

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By Badabim - 30/4/2018 20:30

Today, 5 minutes before closing, a customer was taking a bike from the row while I helped someone else. The customer ended up pushing the whole row down and left instantly without even apologizing. It took me about an hour to pick up the bikes and check for damage. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2020 10:49

This is fine

Today, I envy all the mothers who get to hide in their bathroom, engulfed in tears, when at their breaking points. I'm a single mom of two heathens. Today, like most days, really I had to threaten violence at the top of my lungs so they would stop fighting long enough for me to simply use the bathroom. FML

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By stilljobless - 21/5/2015 02:49 - United States - Willimantic

Today, I got a call from a really great company that I applied to work for, asking me to come in for an interview. When I went in, they had no appointment scheduled and no idea who I was. It turned out it was all a prank by my brother and his friends. My brother is 30. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2012 20:41 - Canada

Today, I pulled into a parking lot and waited for a car to back out so I could take their spot. The apparently batshit insane psychopath in the other car managed to completely overlook me waving him out, and backed straight into my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2014 21:54 - United States - North Adams

Today, I asked my girlfriend's father for permission to take his daughter's hand in marriage. He asked me "Which one?" I said "Uh, the one I'm dating... Lisa." He belched and said, "Yeah sure, throw 'er off a cliff for all I care. Piss off, boy." So much for chivalry. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2012 17:36 - United States

Today, I received a "get well soon" card in the mail, which I found just a little odd, since I was feeling completely fine. Not an hour later, I tripped and fell down a flight of stairs. FML

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By LowOnGas - 2/5/2019 18:00

Today, I drove my toddler to a schoolmate’s birthday party at a chuck-e-Cheese an hour drive away, only to find out the party is tomorrow. FML

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By BigSister - 13/9/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, my 15 year old sister came home at 4am totally stoned. My parents treated her really nicely and woke me up. I'm now grounded until I go college for being a bad influence. I volunteer at schools to talk about abusing drugs. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2015 15:47 - United States - Cabot

Today, I started my new job at a haunted house. I figured I'd change clothes when I got home, since my bloody shirt and zombie makeup were blatantly just an outfit. I barely made it 10 minutes before I was pinned to the ground at gunpoint, cuffed, and needing new underwear. FML

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By col - 4/9/2020 01:56

We're on a break

Today, my girlfriend of almost 3 years told me we needed a break, and that we could try again at the end of the year. FML

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By manderpander21 - 17/3/2015 00:56 - United States - Bronx

Today, my mom and I made the bad decision to go hiking for some mother-daughter bonding even though we had little experience. My mother tumbled down a mountain named Tumbledown and I couldn't even enjoy the irony because I had to half carry her all the way back to the car. FML

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By Foreigner - 1/8/2011 15:05 - Jersey

Today, I was having a great time shopping with my gran, until she started complaining about all the foreigners ruining our town, and counting each person who didn't look 100% British. It wouldn't even have been so bad if I wasn't adopted into the family, from Russia. FML

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By FrustratedTutor - 4/2/2015 03:39 - United States - Andover

Today, the kid I was tutoring told me that "pirates were a myth. Like the Greeks and Romans." He's 16. FML

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By okaydisarray - 22/3/2016 20:23 - United States - Dayton

Today, I received a letter from an eBay seller for whom I recently left an honest, negative review. I don't know what I was expecting, but I certainly wasn't ready for what spilled out coating my jeans, shoes, and brand new carpet: Glitter. FML

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By MollyMo - 21/3/2009 06:22 - United States

Today, my parents saw my report card. Now, they refuse to buy me my the new computer I've always wanted because my grades had 'slipped'. I made honor roll for three terms, and was kept off for the fourth for a single bad grade. I failed gym. FML

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By keeks_25 - 8/5/2009 20:53 - Canada

Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work. When I went to ask the little girl what she wanted, I was tongue-tied and got "cutie" and "hun" mixed up and ended up asking, "What can I get for you, cuntie?" FML

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By cleb - 22/3/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that the seeds of the Cherimoya fruit are toxic. I found out by eating the entire fruit, including all seeds. FML

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By phillij2 - 9/7/2011 00:03 - United States

That hurts, BTW

Today, I got surgery on one of my hands. I opted for a local anesthetic instead of being put all the way under. I soon discovered my hand hadn't gone completely numb when the doctor started slicing into the finger that needed operating on. FML

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By hoser - 21/2/2010 10:01 - Canada

Today, I went skiing. Trying to show off to some inexperienced skiers, I flew past them at my top speed, a bracket snapped off my boot and I slid on my face for about 30 metres. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2016 01:51

Today, I received a notification that someone opened a fraudulent credit card in my name. I'm not sure what's worse: that they were approved at all with my terrible credit, or that I was denied for this exact card when I applied out of desperation last month to pay for my service dog's surgery. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2010 23:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend looked at me and suggestively told me to take a shower. He's leaving for two days so I humored him, thinking he wanted to do it in the shower. I waited for 20 minutes before he knocked on the door, telling me he needed to shower as well. He just wanted me to take a shower. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2015 14:21 - Mexico

Today, some guy I passed in the street was so high out of his mind, he beat the crap out of me, thinking I was a piñata. FML

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By bonbon789 - 27/3/2014 18:10 - United States

Today, I wanted to eat my last bowl of sugary cereal before starting my new diet. I fell down the stairs with the full bowl in hand. Message received, universe. FML

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By sideeffect001 - 2/2/2016 18:48 - United States - Logan

Today, I found out that my tax filing status was never changed after my divorce. This means I haven't been paying enough and now the government wants its money. FML

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By Grossedouttt - 4/7/2009 04:18 - United States

Today, my mother texted me while I was at work asking me to pick up a door-stopper on my way home. When I asked her why she explained that she and my dad were trying to make love but the dog kept pushing the door open. What an image. FML

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By jet8725 - 23/2/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I celebrated my birthday with my friend who has the same birthday by going out to dinner with a bunch of our friends. The waiter brought out a cake for my friend but not for me. No one noticed my exclusion. I sang happy birthday on my birthday. FML

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By tannerpaul - 25/3/2011 01:30

Today, I went to the hospital as my girlfriends emergency contact. When I saw her, she was under a blanket because she had no pants. She had a seizure in a guy's bed and he brought her here. He's here and she wants us both to stay. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2015 15:52 - United States - Westerville

Today, after many years of being single, I finally worked up the courage to ask my coworker out. He said no and gave me "fair warning" that he's going to report me for sexual harassment. FML

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By Lonely - 12/9/2009 11:53 - Australia

Today, I found out that despite having attended every university party held over the last two years, the only physical contact I have had with a member of the opposite sex is when the security guard stamps my hand. FML

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By xMiSS_CuTiEx - 27/12/2010 22:25 - United States

Today, I remembered my mom got her carpet cleaned and to be careful while she was at work. To be nice, I vacuumed the whole house. Feeling proud of myself, I got a drink and went upstairs. I tripped and spilled red Kool-Aid all over the floor. FML

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By customerservicesucks - 26/5/2010 04:26 - Canada

Today, I spent half an hour on the phone with a woman who was yelling at the top of her lungs, sobbing uncontrollably and hyperventilating. She also told me if she had a heart attack and died from crying, it was all my fault. Why? I told her she needed her receipt to have her T.V. repaired. FML

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By Anonymous1221 - 21/11/2016 07:12

Today, I was told by the guy I've liked for years that he would date me if he was straight. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I was driving home, it was 80 degrees out. Making a rare attempt to be eco-friendly, I turned off the A/C and lowered the windows. A bee then flew in through the window, hit my cheek, and stung me. That's what I get for attempting to be eco-friendly. FML

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By Wade - 30/5/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, I was sitting under a tree at a park. The dirt felt a little damp, so I assumed it was dew from the night. A homeless man walks over and asks me to move, then starts to pee under the tree, followed by another man. I was sitting in their bathroom. FML

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Top comments

By arandomperson97 | 18

#7441177 - Wednesday 19 April 2017 4:29

You're supposed to pass the ball, not gas, OP.

By Druu | 53

#7441180 - Wednesday 19 April 2017 5:14

AIR BALL!

COMMENTS

By arandomperson97 | 18

#7441177 - Wednesday 19 April 2017 4:29

You're supposed to pass the ball, not gas, OP.

By Gngr_Grl | 26

#7441178 - Wednesday 19 April 2017 5:00

Off the rim.

By Druu | 53

#7441180 - Wednesday 19 April 2017 5:14

AIR BALL!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7441181 - Wednesday 19 April 2017 5:22

That's a perfect rump shot!

By Sweet Tabatha | 6

#7441210 - Wednesday 19 April 2017 8:18

love this?

By LennyComa | 39

#7441214 - Wednesday 19 April 2017 8:35

That shows a good rear defence....I'll show myself out

By Tomantio | 4

#7441215 - Wednesday 19 April 2017 8:35

talk about a rim job

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7441219 - Wednesday 19 April 2017 8:50

Did that extra boost made you jump higher?

By Kiku_Rukia | 2

#7441239 - Wednesday 19 April 2017 10:06

his life sucks, not yours

By thunderniron | 22

#7441250 - Wednesday 19 April 2017 11:09

That would be more like their life sucks. ?