Miscellaneous: Today, my husband refuses to stop answering my phone calls with,... - FML

By NotSatan

Today, my husband refuses to stop answering my phone calls with, "Haaaaail Satan!" FML

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Late term

Sandwiches rule

These boots are made for walking

By maxthndr - United States

Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took a major test, worth half my grade, not realizing that there were questions on the back of the sheet. FML

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By Genius

Today, I went to my fifth job interview in a month. While going over my CV, I found a watermark on the bottom of my cover letter that said it was generated by a template website. Yep, I gave all previous interviewers the same cover letter, with the same watermark. Can't wait to hear back! FML

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By lulabell - United States

Today, I waved at a cute guy when I was leaving Wendy's. I then ran into a curb, spilled my frosty, and hit my head on the steering wheel. I turned around and both the cute guy and his dad were in hysterics. FML

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By tycrist8 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my family and I were driving and we passed a strip club called DB's Golden Banana. My 5-year-old sister asked what it was, so my dad said it was a place where people dance. Now my sister keeps telling people she wants to be a dancer at DB's Golden Banana. FML

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By Gustav Fjorder - Switzerland

Today, for breakfast, there were scrambled eggs, boiled eggs, bacon, sausages, fresh bread, croissants, brownies, donuts, fruit smoothie, coffee, tea and orange juice. Too bad no one bothered wake me up. FML

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By dontask

Today I was stalking my Bumble match’s Instagram feed before I said hello. I went to tap for sound on a video of him getting his backside tattooed but accidentally double tapped and liked the video. Sound turned on and I realized I liked a video of him farting. Couldn’t say hello after that. FML.

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2020 08:08

Thanks, Marley

Today, I made sure my puppy went number 1 and 2 before taking them into a pet-friendly store. In the store, two ladies awed at my puppy, but as I picked him up I didn't notice he'd shat on the floor until they pointed it out, giving me a dirty look. Other customers glared as I picked up his smeared shit. FML

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By Anonymous - China - Chengdu

Wrong, just wrong

Today, while licking maple syrup off my wife during foreplay, I probably shouldn't have referred to her breasts as pancakes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I failed hard at a color test. I thought it was a joke because most of the colors looked the same to me. Now I know why people laugh at my clothes color choices. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 05:02

Contagion

Today, after bronchitis and a negative COVID test, I finally went back into my classroom for the last day before break. An hour after I got home, a parent contacted me to let me know her child (whom I helped all day) had tested positive and that I needed to quarantine. She thought I would, "want to know." FML

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By Karansuni - Germany

Today, my boss told me that my attitude to work is awesome and that he'd follow my example of coming in half-an-hour early every day from now on. I relish those 30 minutes as the only time I can get work done without him constantly interrupting me. So much for that. FML

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By CatLover - United States - Bartow

Today, my mentally-unhinged mother reached a new level of psycho - she threw a tantrum and raged at my father, accusing him of cheating on her with our cat. FML

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By obtuse_ballsack - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, I desperately needed to pee, but my mom was in the bathroom taking a shower, so I waited patiently until she finished. Just as I was about to go in, my half-naked dad rushed ahead, said "Going somewhere, son?" and shut the door on me. FML

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By secenteenmagazine. - Canada

Today, I was happy because my exact shirt and sweater were in seventeen magazine. They were in the "what not to wear" category. FML

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By some_girl_19 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was in the middle of an intense orgasm when we heard the panicky voice of his little sister saying there was an emergency downstairs. He jumped up and left to see what the matter was. The big emergency? The Wii remotes had dead batteries. FML

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By mperh - United States

Today, it's memorial day weekend. The cops are all over the place watching for speeders and drunks. Some complete dickhead decided to spray paint "cop killa" on the side of my car. It won't come off. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, at the office, my most annoying client asked me to send her a document. I have now sent it to her over 5 times, in a different format each time, and every single time she replies with, "Not in the requested format". She won't tell me what the requested format is. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, our Christmas tree was damaged beyond repair after my son and his friends borrowed it for a little experiment. They tied balloons to the branches and tried to make it fly, after seeing a similar video online. FML

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By grossedout - Canada

Today, I got home from a small vacation. Before I left, I set up cameras in my room to see if my roommate was stealing my money. Turns out she wasn't. However, she does borrow my personal "adult toy" whenever I'm out. FML

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By toolateabuckshort

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By depraved - United States

Today, taking the train to work after the worst hangover ever, two immense fat women start talking about rim jobs. I got up to switch cabins just in time for their conversation to switch over to RECEIVING rim jobs. I sprayed puke all over myself and an innocent bystander. FML

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By ari - United States

Today, I started at my new job. The woman who I'll be working right next to 40 hours a week introduced herself with, "I know what your name is. I know what you're planning, and I've been sent to destroy you." FML

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By danyelicindereli - United States

Today, I was standing around looking out the window at work when it became really dark and windy and started to pour. I watched a shopping cart fly across the parking lot thinking how funny it'd be if it hit someone's car. It hit mine. I need a new headlight. FML

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By parkinglotslayer - United States

Today, my family and I were parking downtown when my sister yelled to watch out for a man approaching our car. I see him pull something from his pocket. I yell "It's a knife, don't roll down the window!" It was a pen, he was the parking attendant and the window was already rolled down. FML

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By yegworstdrivers - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I fell violently ill half an hour into a flight. I got sick so suddenly that I projectile vomited all over my clothes and the seat in front of me, and to top it all off, I also got diarrhea. Eight more hours to go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a little too drunk and confessed to my fiancé, the love of my life, that I've been faking my orgasms all along. I hate that I can't lie when I'm drunk. FML

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By This girl - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. It wasn't all that embarrassing, until I walked two more feet and slipped again. The second time, a man pulled over and loudly asked if I was drunk. FML

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By Distracted - United States

Panic

Today, it was my first day at a new school. I pulled into the parking lot and saw this really cute guy. I was checking him out in my rear view mirror. When I looked ahead, there was something in the road, so I swirved real hard and took down an entire wooden fence. That something was a plastic bag. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I caught my sister eating crayons. She's 19. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was rejected for a dream photography job that involves travelling all over the world, because according to the interviewer, half the photos in my nature portfolio were "blatantly photoshopped." I guess reality isn't realistic enough for some people. FML

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By Andrew - United States

Today, I tried to get my wife to have sex with me, she told me she couldn't because she had her period. She's two months pregnant. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom - Wareham

Today, I spilled loose face powder on myself while applying my make-up. My sister subsequently walked in on me vacuuming my crotch. FML

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By Kathleen - 4/12/2020 08:08

Beggars can't be choosers

Today, the weird guy with the 'Elvis in Las Vegas' haircut-and-sunglasses combo who cleans tables at my work tried to hit on me. This is the most interest any man has given me in a year. FML

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By marsbar - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he was moving his hand from his thigh to my chest but on the way he sort of squeezed my stomach. When I asked him why he did that, he told me that "his fingers got stuck under my roll." FML

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By elijahrobrt - United States

Today, I went to a great concert. Against all odds, I got to meet the band. All I had for them to autograph was a flyer protesting their concert that was given to me on the way in. FML

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By latino - United States

Today, at the Museum I volunteer at, I was touching some of the things in the exhibit where you can feel what natural boobs and testes feel like. I started rolling the "boob" like a stress ball and forgot where I was. When I realized people were staring, it became very awkward. FML

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By wtf

Today, I got yelled at multiple times by my boss because my boyfriend didn't show up to work. FML

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By murphy - United States

Today, though I'm normally unperturbed by my single-ness, I walked by some squirrels engaged in mating rituals and felt a pang of jealousy. FML

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By JohnMackSquirts - United States

Today, I slept over at my friend's house but forgot my glasses. When I woke up in the morning, I came out of his room and forcefully kicked what I thought was a soccer ball on the floor. Turns out it was his miniature poodle - it fell down a long flight of stairs. FML

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Top comments

By Master Buck | 7

#7441289 - Wednesday 19 April 2017 14:07

Hail Hydra !

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7441314 - Wednesday 19 April 2017 14:58

This is actually pretty funny IMO.

COMMENTS

By Master Buck | 7

#7441289 - Wednesday 19 April 2017 14:07

Hail Hydra !

Reply

asm0dea | 28

#7441337 - Wednesday 19 April 2017 16:07

We shall never be destroyed!

By laowang | 13

#7441290 - Wednesday 19 April 2017 14:11

Today,4/19.for one night……he is busy now,please try again tomorrw

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7441314 - Wednesday 19 April 2017 14:58

This is actually pretty funny IMO.

By Beastninja5268 | 15

#7441344 - Wednesday 19 April 2017 16:34

Tell your husband that I appreciate his work... but that sounds like something I would do. I'm not a Satanist, but people call me Satan at school so...

By Regulate | 21

#7441355 - Wednesday 19 April 2017 17:04

That's......odd.

By misanthropic_one | 3

#7441583 - Thursday 20 April 2017 1:25

Is he a fan of Ghost? If so, reply "welcome year zero".

By RinoaHeartilly | 36

#7441598 - Thursday 20 April 2017 2:17

I'd only be worried if you get pregnant soon.

By darkshadus | 10

#7441774 - Thursday 20 April 2017 13:56

Your name wouldn't have to be Rosemary? (Obscure movie reference)

By Cali | 54

#7441780 - Thursday 20 April 2017 14:13

Meanwhile, your husband can't figure out why people are so scared of his favorite vegan meat substitute.

By lilbillXD | 16

#7441849 - Thursday 20 April 2017 17:36

He's a keeper.