Intimacy: Today, me and my girlfriend were riding on my motorcycle. While... - FML

By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 20:35 - United States

Spicy

Today, me and my girlfriend were riding on my motorcycle. While at a stop light, she started to make these weird noises. Turns out she was having an orgasm. I still can't give her one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 162

You deserved it 6 284

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Best teeth in the game

Commando

By anon - 24/05/2012 18:59 - United States - Pasadena

Spicy

Today, I am on vacation in the Smoky Mountains with my parents. They just decided to take me to the place I was conceived seventeen years ago: a bench at a public park. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 354

You deserved it 2 645

Not like that

By weirdo - 21/02/2010 08:44 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to send him a pic of myself being happy for his phone's caller ID. So I picked out a picture where I'm grinning a big grin, clearly very happy like he asked. He replies back, "You look weird there. Send a pretty one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 255

You deserved it 5 017

By Anonymous - 14/01/2012 18:26 - United States

Today, my future mother-in-law started shit-talking me on Facebook, and we got into a heated argument. She called me later in the day, saying I'll be lucky if I ever marry her son and that, "You'll suffer to your last breath." I'm now terrified to set foot outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 133

You deserved it 6 008

By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 16:41 - United Kingdom - Houghton Le Spring

Today, I was at the airport waiting for my flight to leave for Hawaii when I received an urgent call from my neighbour saying that my house had been broken into. After rushing home and missing my flight, I had to explain to the police that my house wasn't burgled, it was just very messy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 610

You deserved it 5 892

Cake, eating it…

By Go_There - 26/10/2020 02:01 - United States - Madison

Spicy

Today, I'm in an open marriage and had to admit to myself that I caught feels for my "friend with benefits" who was only interested in the "benefits" part and I had to break it off. I already miss the sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 380

You deserved it 1 278

Road rage

By Xtine - 23/06/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, while on the road, I saw a turtle in the middle of the other lane. I slammed on my brakes and got out, holding up, and pissing off, several drivers on both sides of the highway. Getting closer to the turtle, I realized that it was not a turtle at all, but a very large pile of dog shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 569

You deserved it 46 231

By Anonymous - 10/12/2011 02:55 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for a familiar reason; I apparently have night terrors that make me "Impossible to sleep in the same room with." I don't ever remember these dreams. Every other girlfriend I've had has ended up breaking things off with me for the same reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 364

You deserved it 4 432

Classic

By Anonymous - 05/07/2021 01:59

Today, my boyfriend introduced me as a friend to one of his friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 937

You deserved it 98

Ouch

By Oldhouse - 22/07/2014 03:46 - United States - Hacienda Heights

Today, I discovered that the odd creaking noise I hear when I walk down the stairs is actually a crack that had been getting larger over the years. I found out when I fell through and plummeted to the stairs below. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 900

You deserved it 5 563

By Anonymous - 04/10/2009 01:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, my fiancé was performing oral on me, when I heard him start making a "Waka waka waka waka" noise. He confessed to pretending to be Pacman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 164

You deserved it 5 361

By Anonymous - 11/05/2015 16:06 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my girlfriend surprised me with what was allegedly a birthday "cake". It was so horribly deformed, I wasn't sure whether to eat it or wear it as a hat. I had to pretend it didn't taste like play-doh, and ended up throwing it up in the toilet. Happy birthday to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 227

You deserved it 4 490

By Jack - 08/07/2011 15:10 - United States

Spicy

Today, my family got together to read my grandpa's will. He gave all of his grandkids $400 each. Except me. It seems he thought I'd see the funny side in being bequeathed a blow-up sex doll. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 603

You deserved it 5 151

By Spanishredhead - 03/10/2009 10:31 - United States

Today, I checked in a group of men from Mexico. I speak just enough Spanish to realize they're discussing my breasts. I have to stand there smiling while checking in three more people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 066

You deserved it 3 873

He's probably right

By Anonymous - 25/05/2019 00:01

Today, I found out that my boyfriend thinks brushing his teeth is unnecessary, because, "the world is going to end because of climate change anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 846

You deserved it 199

By Anonymous - 30/03/2012 07:45 - Australia - Perth

Today, I woke up to what sounded like twigs snapping. Turns out it was the skull of a live mouse being crushed in my cat's jaws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 197

You deserved it 2 723

By j3r3zana16 - 31/10/2011 08:30 - Canada

Today, while parking, I accidentally hit my landlord's daughter's brand new car. I made a huge dent in the side door. I thought nobody was home, so I quickly went to my room. Turns out they were having a barbecue outside and saw the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 368

You deserved it 51 661

By WaxOnWaxOff - 06/09/2012 21:50 - United States - Denver

Today, I realized that my boyfriend really does have a problem with my upper-lip hair. I woke up this morning to him ripping a wax strip off of my face. All he could say after I stopped shrieking was that he had hoped it wouldn't wake me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 369

You deserved it 9 637

By suckstobeme - 12/04/2009 21:41 - United States

Today, as I got down on one knee, and was in the middle of saying "Will you marry me?", she answered a text message. Apparently it was more important. FML

I agree, your life sucks 163 636

You deserved it 10 695

By two-hours-to-pick-up - 09/10/2009 09:46 - Australia

Today, I was in a fancy department store. I was wearing my travel backpack. I was turning around after paying at the checkout and my backpack hit a metre-tall display covered with necklaces. It went crashing to the floor, hitting another display table laden with jewelry that collapsed under it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 991

You deserved it 10 751

By chinatownhobo - 08/04/2013 06:12 - Australia - Canberra

Today, while at a hospital, a prayer group circled me and started praying that God and the good doctors and nurses would heal me from the disease that disfigured my face. I was there to visit my sick grandmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 380

You deserved it 3 620

By omgstuupidd - 17/02/2013 14:27 - United States - Brewster

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to take a jog in an area we never been before. We then got lost. She actually thought that the tattoo on her arm of an open compass with north, east, south, and west would help us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 413

You deserved it 6 288

Time out

By sadandmad - 20/01/2016 16:09 - United States - Bonita Springs

Spicy

Today, my husband took a pill to make him last longer in bed. He did last longer. He went from 5 minutes to 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 025

You deserved it 2 881

Enjoy yourself

By Anonymous - 17/05/2021 14:01

Today, I woke up after a 16-hour shift, and my back is out. I worked it in order to "enjoy" my 2 days off. I can barely move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 840

You deserved it 79

By Anonymous - 19/10/2015 09:26 - United States - Lexington

Today, my husband won't seek medical treatment for a condition he's been living with for years because he saw an episode of House, in which the treatment made the condition worse in a very rare instance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 972

You deserved it 1 806

By AwwChute - 21/02/2010 01:53 - United States

Today, I got stuck in my apartment's garbage chute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 994

You deserved it 32 651

By smokecloud_ - 30/12/2013 21:38 - United States - Ashland

Today, I was watching ESPN. My boyfriend came in, bitched about "boring tv," so I handed him the remote. He put on a Lifetime movie. I must be the only woman in America with this problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 196

You deserved it 5 332

By Anonymous - 10/07/2019 16:00

Today, I woke up with a carpet burn. From sleeping. Alone. In my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 508

You deserved it 143

The L Word

By Humiliated & Heart-Broken - 30/07/2014 04:41 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved him for the first time. The L-word is probably one of the only things I'm scared to say, so what did he do? He stared at me blankly before making a farting noise with his mouth and asking if he could go get Chicken Express for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 781

You deserved it 5 162

These are lovely

By kittybad - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my wife made me moist cat food burgers as a prank. I didn't have the heart to tell her that they tasted better than the ones she usually makes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 032

You deserved it 4 473

By Anonymous - 18/01/2011 08:28 - United States

Today, I was at the grocery store with my dad. He let out a very silent but foul abomination of a fart. The people behind us started gagging, so he turned, pointed at me and said "That was my daughter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 086

You deserved it 3 819

By Anonymous - 22/04/2009 15:26 - Australia

Today, I got a text from my girlfriend saying she needed more phone credit, so I bought her more and got another message saying "Great, now I have enough credit for this..." as she spelled out a three page message breaking up with me. Yes, I paid for her to break up with me via text. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 627

You deserved it 8 110

By foreversingle - 30/06/2013 18:09 - Netherlands - Helmond

Today, I bought some makeup supplies at the supermarket. The cashier snorted and muttered, "Not enough in the world for you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 369

You deserved it 3 974

By 221bcompanion - 18/01/2016 05:18 - United States - Massillon

Today, I put more effort into getting and keeping my Sims onto a good sleep schedule in order to properly take care of their needs than I did for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 680

You deserved it 7 646

The sweet smell of success

By Anonymous - 29/10/2020 11:02

Today, my dad decided to make home-made popcorn. He accidentally used old fish oil instead of mazola oil. Now the house reeks of fish and we can't even throw the popcorn out for fear of attracting wild animals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 849

You deserved it 93

By Dogless - 21/08/2011 05:51 - United States

Today, over a year on from my parents telling me my dog had died, I went to the shelter to volunteer, and saw my old dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 481

You deserved it 2 599

By CassyM - 03/04/2017 10:00 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, my 2-year-old asked for cake, so I told her I would make her one. I showed her two boxes of cake and asked which one she wanted. She picked one and happily tried opening it. She'd thought a fully cooked cake is in the box. Ever tried explaining baking to a toddler? FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 444

You deserved it 775

By Anonymous - 19/07/2015 03:45 - Australia - Canberra

Today, while trying to score a date, I almost made a girl pass out. No, I didn't try to chloroform this one. I just came across as so pathetic that she laughed hard enough to have an asthma attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 847

You deserved it 3 120

By pokeloser - 24/06/2019 07:04

Today, my high point was still being able to recite all 151 generation one Pokémon in order, from memory. I need a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 297

You deserved it 575

By EFFED4LIFE - 11/03/2009 05:33 - United States

Today, I was late to school for the third time this week because my alarm clock didn't go off. I clearly remembered setting it, so I videotaped myself sleeping. It turns out I've been turning off my alarm clock in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 001

You deserved it 13 412

By Shame - 19/09/2012 20:22 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my girlfriend had a bitch fit at me because I laughed at her idea of getting the Cullen family tree tattooed on her back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 035

You deserved it 3 591

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Monday 30 November 2009 23:13

now that's what you call a crotch rocket

artisticfeelings 0

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Tuesday 1 December 2009 1:40

well the motocycle vibrates like crazy. guys can't do that.

Comments

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Monday 30 November 2009 23:13

now that's what you call a crotch rocket

k43L1 0

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Monday 30 November 2009 23:33

hahaha nice. OP, perhaps you should invest in some sex toys?

fsebastianslife 0

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Sunday 25 April 2010 6:21

OP, FUCK HER ON A MOTORCYCLE!!!!

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Tuesday 4 May 2010 2:44

what's orgasm

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Tuesday 11 May 2010 0:32

There's only on plausible solution. Fuck her on the bike!

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Friday 4 June 2010 7:51

motorcycle: 1 OP: 0

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv 2

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Thursday 10 June 2010 7:25

Am I the only one who saw this on 1,000 Ways To Die?

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Wednesday 21 July 2010 9:31

...

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Tuesday 21 September 2010 5:45

I clicked random. and the same think xcepts from the girls prospective is like 2 spots away. wierd huh

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 19:42

Two words dude Go faster ;)

Mattlozano12 15

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Thursday 4 December 2014 21:06

#63 If you don't know what that is, you're too young to be here.

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Monday 30 November 2009 23:15

I saw something similar to this before.

perdix 29

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Tuesday 1 December 2009 0:57

Yeah, last time it was a girl who was riding with her dad! At least this time, the girl was with someone with whom she should have an orgasm. The previous one had weird Electra Complex aspects.

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Monday 6 December 2010 5:22

1. guys would fight for that girl, is it not what men want? a woman to love their Harley? 2. if that's all it takes for a woman to orgasm..then woman would orgasm all the time if they had the male imagination.

Corrupt_waffles 13

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 21:35

Ew. Harley's. It's all about Norton and Triumph. I personally love my 72' commando.

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Monday 30 November 2009 23:21

if u cant give her one but a motorcycle ride can .... u must be really dainty........!!!

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 22:23

pshh.. woman don't orgasm

The_Appendix_ 13

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Wednesday 1 October 2014 13:27

or she must suck

DarksideDoll 31

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Sunday 7 December 2014 7:42

I wouldn't read too much into it, all that vibration. I've heard it happens a lot. OP just needs some communication in the bedroom.

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Monday 30 November 2009 23:25

first

getreadysetfml 0

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Monday 30 November 2009 23:28

lmao she doesn't orgasm when she rides u, only when she rides ur motorcycle

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Friday 15 June 2012 4:05

yes, we read the fml. thank you for summarizing. you can go home now.

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Monday 30 November 2009 23:36

Motorcycle superior; OP inferior

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Monday 30 November 2009 23:42

You lose, good day sir!

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Tuesday 1 December 2009 0:18

mehhh this one has been done before. I call bs.

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Friday 4 December 2009 9:11

Why BS just because it's been done before? I could easily see it happening to multiple people.

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Tuesday 15 December 2009 0:09

Yes... because girls awalys orgasm on motorcycles...

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Tuesday 1 December 2009 0:25

It was probably the vibration from the motor on the motorcycle. Same thing happened to my sister...sort of. Her boyfriend was massaging her back with a vibrating massager and she began having an orgasm. He has never given her one. But still...FYL.

lucyinthesky420 10

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Tuesday 3 January 2012 1:09

I think it's awkward you know that about your sister... Just sayin.

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Tuesday 17 July 2012 21:24

Agreed with 84.:P

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Tuesday 1 December 2009 0:49

next time while your having sex, put the front wheel of your motorcycle on her vagina and start driving and we'll see who's having the orgasm haha

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 6

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 46

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 340

You deserved it 38