Animals: Today, I was out walking my dog. A cute woman said, "Nice dog!"... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out walking my dog. A cute woman said, "Nice dog!" Without thinking, I replied, "You too!" FML

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Breaking Badly

The end of the road

Clean break

By UnluckyArtist - United States

Today, I had an art class with my girlfriend. The teacher assigned "anti-cards", or cards for unusual or bad occasions. My girlfriend decided to make a "break-up" card, and I helped her write the poem inside it. After class, she gave it to me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I worked a long shift at my job while feeling like crap, anticipating getting a promotion. As my boss was leaving work, he informed me that because I also go to college, the promotion was being given to another employee that I trained a month ago. This is the second time this has happened. FML

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By charlie - United States

Today, my mom asked if I wanted to come to dinner with my parents and my grandparents who are in from London. When we got to the restaurant, there was a wait. My mom made me walk home because they could get a table quicker for a group of four than a group of five. FML

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By Abyssal - United States

Today, I was making love to my wife from behind. As we both reached climax at the same time, she threw her head back in ecstasy just as I buckled forward with pleasure. We slammed our heads together, effectively ending our orgasms. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my younger sister had maxed out all three of my credit cards when I tried all three of the cards, and realized that I didn't have $5.29 to buy tampons and Advil. FML

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By Sniffles - Ireland

Today, I realised that when I asked my girlfriend 4 months ago if was she on the pill, she thought I meant hay fever tablets. I'm going to be a father. FML

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By Username

Today, I updated my facebook status as "lost all contacts, need numbers". My mom commented saying "her phone didn't get reset, she just doesn't have any friends". Her comment got 32 likes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother asked me if my boyfriend and I were getting serious. I quickly lied and said no. She then informed me that if things ever heated up that she would take me to get birthcontrol. Wanting birthcontrol, I confessed. In turn she grounded me. I am not allowed to see my boyfriend anymore. FML

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By owl + bungee cord - United States - Herndon

Today, my boyfriend and I were in the shower and things were getting heated. I tried to move position, but slipped and fell, bringing the shower curtain I'd grabbed onto down with me along its support rod. My ass hit the floor just as hard as the rod hit my head. FML

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By kewtness_17 - United States

Today, I got mad at my 4 year old son for cussing me out. Afterwards, I went upstairs to get ready for the day. When I came back downstairs I found him pooping on my brand new leather couch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a parking ticket on my car. Out of five cars who were in violation of the same infraction, I was the only one who received a ticket. FML

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By anonymous

Today, it was the first day of my new job. It was also the last day of my new job. I got a call immediately after finishing my shift to be told the company has "decided to go in a different direction" and will no longer be needing my services. FML

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By brokenhearted - United States

Today, after 25 years of marriage and 2 children, I was served with divorce papers. It turns out my 51 year old, soon to be ex, has been having an affair with the 24 year old tutor I hired to help our daughter bring her grades up. They are in love and want to start a new family together as soon as possible. FML

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By 3hoursleftofwork - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, the magic of witnessing a sheep giving birth was ruined for me when I slipped and fell in the puddle of birth fluids. FML

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By mosaicevolution - United States - Decatur

Today, after finishing my second glass of wine, I walked out of the bathroom and saw the tag on my hair dryer from last year's rehab visit. FML

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By vicgal - Canada

Today, while having sex I realized two things. First, I can't remember the last time my boyfriend gave me an orgasm, and secondly I think the curtains slightly clash with the duvet cover. I was more annoyed with the second one. FML

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By knolan - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has checked every girl he has ever slept with for 'vagina teeth'. I'm apparently no exception. FML

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By ladytyy - United States

Today, my mom still hasn't gotten over the novelty of our brand new microwave. We've been eating hot pockets for nearly a week now. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - Switzerland

Dancing queen

Today, in dance class, the instructor asked me to demonstrate the splits to the group. I slid down, my legs opening wider as I descended. I then loudly farted for the full 5 seconds it took to reach the ground. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I told my supervisor how awful my coworker was at her job. I then got fired. FML

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By J-Sauce - Canada - Salmon Arm

Today, a girl I like asked me to a concert, saying she had an extra ticket. I ended up being the third wheel with her and her boyfriend. Had to pay $60 for the ticket too. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2020 09:00

Honor amongst maids

Today, a good friend from childhood, who was my maid of honor four years ago, got married. Without me knowing about it. FML

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By hannibal - Australia

Today, I heard a loud-speaker announcement in my college that someone had left their car in the car park, still running, with keys in the ignition. I laughed at that person's foolishness until I realised it was mine. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I told my boss I have a sore throat. He replied, "Well, don't take it so deep next time." FML

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By buggingout - United States

Today, it's the first day of my Hawaiian honeymoon. We found out that the pool is under construction and our room is infested with roaches. We are paying $375 a night for this. FML

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By BrokeAsHeck

Today, for the second time in a year, I am a victim of bank fraud. All my money was in there, and I move today. FML

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By alo1434 - United States

Today, I got mugged. As the guys who took my purse were about to walk away, my cellphone rang in my pocket. FML

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By negativesoup

Today, I was eating chicken noodle soup for my lunch. It was perfect until the last bite when it went down the wrong pipe. Choking, I coughed up what I'd already eaten. In front of my coworkers, and all over myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2020 17:00

The walls have ears

Today, I went out for lunch with one of my co-workers. After work, I talked to one of my friends about how unpleasant the lunch was with him. My co-worker was standing behind me listening in the whole time. FML

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By GMD - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, my daughter and her boyfriend excitedly told me that after months of trying they are finally pregnant and that I'm going to be a grandmother. This would be great news if they weren't 15. FML

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By Lonesome - United States - Bossier City

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I tried to time my ejaculation to happen right as the new year started. FML

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By Messy love life - 19/2/2021 12:31 - India

Just ask

Today, I casually hooked up with a guy with no strings attached. Later, we had a great conversation and I suddenly realized that I have feelings for him. He wants nothing even close to a relationship and probably doesn't like me back. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, my boyfriend decided to suddenly stop in the middle of sex, just as I was actually starting to enjoy myself, just to bear hug me and exclaim, "Crikey, she's angry!" in the voice of Steve Irwin. He laughed so hard at his own joke that he went soft and couldn't continue. FML

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By =( - Australia

Today, once again I tried to convince my dad to stop smoking. And once again, while I was speaking, he lit up a cigarette and smoked until my asthma flared up and I was wheezing so hard that I had to leave the room. FML

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By teach - Canada

Today, at the elementary school where I teach, the kids all voted for their favorite teacher. I was the only one to receive zero votes. When I asked a small group of students why no one voted for me, one boy replied "because you're the ugliest". FML

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By zzarzzur - United States - San Francisco

Today, I installed motion sensor lights in my house to save on energy. When I laid down in bed, I saw the lights turn on from downstairs to the kitchen. I live alone. FML

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By mairelys - Canada

Today, I tried talking to my boyfriend about our sex life. I was trying to express that I feel like we don't do it enough, but he wasn't very responsive. I ended up saying, "I wish you had a bigger sex drive" to which he answered, "I wish you had bigger boobs." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, during my shift as a vet nurse, I picked up a gorgeous cat for cuddles, only to discover it was covered with pee. And now I am too. I still have 4 hours of my shift. FML

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By

Chubby life

Today, I was tying my hair up when my dad rubbed my stomach and asked how his grandchild was doing. He knows I'm not pregnant and that I've been trying really hard to lose weight. FML

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By fuckel4 - United States - El Dorado

Today, while updating my résumé, I noticed that in my list of achievements it said "Torturing middle school students". I meant "tutoring", but I guess this explains why I'm still unemployed a year after I started looking for a job. FML

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Top comments

By Minorchord | 4

#215917 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:06

I bet she didn't have a dog, did she...

By BitterJaded | 0

#215941 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:10

If you think your life is fucked because of this.......wow. I'll trade you lives.

COMMENTS

By Minorchord | 4

#215917 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:06

I bet she didn't have a dog, did she...

Reply

ReyEr9412 | 0

#921926 - Sunday 7 March 2010 16:38

Not an FML.

Reply

ilovefatcats | 12

#965342 - Saturday 20 March 2010 23:14

what happend to "thanks"?

Reply

Gorsbug823 | 0

#1070335 - Wednesday 7 July 2010 7:30

how is this an fml?

Reply

lolfood | 24

#5270290 - Saturday 22 December 2012 8:54

Nah, she has a pussy.

By CHILL222 | 0

#215920 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:06

ha, i would hav done that too.....at least u were bein nice

Reply

lrsmith312 | 0

#1031873 - Wednesday 16 June 2010 5:13

thatta kid :D

By FukedOver | 0

#215926 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:07

thats kind of a lame FML... you look like a dumbass for a few seconds to a minute but your life is not fucked

By aFMLaddict | 0

#215936 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:09

hahah..fyl
seriously, she looked like a dog to you?

By BitterJaded | 0

#215941 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:10

If you think your life is fucked because of this.......wow. I'll trade you lives.

Reply

Carlie_McCartney | 1

#1524774 - Sunday 10 October 2010 2:22

ditto!:D

Reply

icrest80 | 4

#4943316 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 2:53

dildo! :D

By nomorehope | 0

#215943 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:10

bahaha , i hate it when that happenss ;p

By abinator412 | 0

#215947 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:11

ain't that a bitch

By bonafidehustler | 0

#215949 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:12

Haha I like this one. Even though it's not a really bad FML, it's something I'd totally do so it made me laugh. When cute girls compliment my dog, I always say something stupid and awkward back, and I make an ass out of myself.

By Synnie | 0

#215950 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:12

There's a Dane Cook joke on this. :3 Or I think it was Dane.

Reply

Akazuki | 26

#4471000 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 6:07

I don't know about Dane Cook, but I know Brian Regan had a joke about "you too!".

Reply

T9FTW | 20

#5126792 - Thursday 8 November 2012 4:48

DANE!!! LIKE GREAT DANE!!!! Oh...

OP, that's definitely something I would do!

By omglyktotally78 | 0

#215953 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:12

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!