Today, I was out walking my dog. A cute woman says "nice dog"... - FML

By Anonymous - 20/5/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, I was out walking my dog. A cute woman says "nice dog" and without thinking I respond, "you too." FML

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Check this out

Age ain't nothing but a number

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Anonymous - 7/11/2017 06:00

recoils in horror

Today, I am violently allergic to my boyfriend's new hand cream. I know this because after last night's quickie on the sofa, I now have a rash all over my skin and weeping sores inside my vagina and around my bum hole. FML

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By DestinyJoy - 10/1/2017 13:47

Today, at Starbucks, I complimented the awkward nerdy barista's name tag because of the funny Sonic decorations on it. The dude took it as me flirting and gave me my drink with Sonic drawn on it. I had applied to work there and now I can't go back. FML

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By Annie - 16/10/2010 08:20 - India

Today, I was having a romantic conversation with my boyfriend under the stars. He said, "You know how there are people who are beautiful on the inside and people who are beautiful on the outside? Yeah, well you're one of those 'inside' people." FML

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By lbg2msf - 6/11/2013 18:08 - United States - Biloxi

Today, I walked under a tree and heard birds chirping from above. I stopped and looked up, only to catch a face full of bird shit. FML

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By Shut up loser! - 2/12/2019 03:00

Not her fault neither mine

Today, my 4 year old daughter got royally annoyed at my uncle who won't stop surprise tickling her by poking her waist. When he went for another, she punched him square on the nose, making him a laughing stock. Not accepting that he got owned, he started preaching about child discipline to me. FML

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By post valentines depression - 7/4/2018 01:30

Today, my Tinder date arranged an Uber to pick her up before we had even finished our appetizers. She was so bored she couldn't be bothered to stay for the whole meal. FML

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By caughttt - 10/2/2010 02:52 - United States

Today, I drove my ex-boyfriend home from dropping his car at the garage for new tires. On the way, I drove past my house where my boyfriend was sitting in the driveway ready to surprise me. My boyfriend watched us drive by. FML

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By ServingYouWings - 12/2/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, I greeted my table (I'm a server) with a colloquial "Hey there, guys, how's it going?" The customers were three butch lesbians who thought I was incorrectly identifying their gender. I received no tip (on a $35 bill), and they registered a corporate complaint about my "insensitivity." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2014 00:56 - United States - Bloomington

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because of the scratch marks on my back. I didn't have the nerve to tell her I tried to shower with the cat. FML

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By StomachofTinfoil - 24/11/2014 01:59 - United States - Bar Harbor

Today, I was elected to learn how to clean the birthing tub at the hospital I work at. Today, I also discovered that while blood doesn't bother me, floating chunks of afterbirth and god knows what else, will cause me to projectile vomit into said tub. Which I still had to clean afterwards. FML

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By someone72 - 22/3/2010 23:20 - United States

Today, I got excited when my phone vibrated cause I thought someone actually wanted to talk to me. When I grabbed my phone I realized my mind played a trick on me and I only thought it vibrated. I'm so lonely I subconsciously trick myself into thinking I have friends. FML

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By Experience - 5/2/2013 20:19 - United States - Waynesfield

Today, my dad opened a Chinese fortune cookie that read, "Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes." Now he won't stop calling me Experience. FML

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By uncbballwins - 27/4/2011 04:21

Today, after shopping alone at a grocery store, I was taking my groceries back to my car when a kid grabbed one of my bags and ran. Deciding not to risk leaving the rest of my groceries stranded, I didn't chase him. Later, I realized that was the bag my credit card was in. FML

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By fail - 16/2/2011 23:16 - United States

Today, at the library, somebody left themselves logged in to Facebook on a public computer after they had left. Trying to teach them a lesson, I updated their Facebook status to something outrageous. That's when they came back to the computer after getting something from the printer. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2010 04:44 - Canada

Today, my little cousin is going to be staying at our house for a year or so, because of financial problems. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that every single night he creeps up on me while I'm sleeping, and shouts "GO F YOURSELF!" directly into my ear. Only another 11 months to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2013 10:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I grabbed his butt to control his thrusts and got a clump of used toilet paper. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2012 04:16 - United States

Today, I was shaving naked in my cold bathroom before showering. My wife walked up behind me, yelled "Shrinkage!" and flicked the head of my penis as hard as she could. FML

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By - 4/1/2009 21:43 - France

Today, on her Facebook profile, my ex erased all the pictures where we were together, add her new boyfriend to her friends and changed her status to "I'm so happy". FML

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By nichaneely - 21/1/2010 05:29 - United States

Today, I got yelled at by one of my bosses. The reason? I was yawning. I work at Starbucks. Apparently I wasn't 'promoting' correctly. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2013 06:47 - United States - Fresno

Today, I was playing with my dog, when she started sniffing my face. Jokingly, I got up and started to sniff her face back and asked "Yeah, how do you like that?" She replied by biting into my face. FML

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By shopper242 - 22/11/2010 12:29 - France

Today, my boyfriend compared my orgasm to that of a beached sea turtle. He demonstrated what he meant in front of all our friends. FML

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By MistofAvalon - 24/4/2020 14:00

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Today, my cat woke me up announcing he was hungry by standing on my bedside table. This placed him both next to and above my head. Did he do this by meowing? Nope. Did he do it by tapping me with his little paw? Not that either. He sneezed all over my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2018 08:00 - United States - Wauseon

Today, a police officer stopped me and told me he got an anonymous tip that I was going to kill myself. I wasnt. Protocol says he had to bring me straight to a hospital where I explained that someone was messing with me. nobody listened. Now I have a hospital bill for $2,250. FML

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By McChunky =( - 9/3/2009 08:25 - United States

Today, I was with my family at a buffet getting dessert. As I had my chocolate cake in hand, I grabbed an extra slice of cheesecake for my mom because I knew she would like a slice. Upon returning to my table, a couple walking behind me commented, "See, that's why Americans are so obese." FML

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By shitforchris - 20/8/2009 05:38 - Canada

Today, I had to give the girl I am absolutely in love with advice on how to have better sex with her boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2015 13:29 - United States - Fairmont

Today, I found out that while my sister can somehow manage to keep an eye on and control her three preschool-aged children at the park, making sure nobody steals my dog from right beside her is just too big of a job. FML

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By Watchtower? More like fortress. - 19/10/2012 21:39 - Norway - Oslo

Today, my dad saw on TV that in some parts of Africa, it's not uncommon for people to attach make-shift flamethrowers to their cars to defend against carjackers. He's now lost his mind and is forcing me to help him put one together to scare off Jehovah's Witnesses. FML

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By cacheson - 5/3/2020 03:02

Trip Advisor rating: 5 turds

Today, I checked into a hotel for a work trip. When I walked in, the sheets and bath mat were stained, and there was soap-encrusted hair stuck in my folded towel. When I got back later in the day, all my stuff was gone because they apparently thought I'd checked out. FML

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By facepalm - 5/6/2012 14:48 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I received my first negative feedback on my otherwise flawless eBay record. The woman who bought the item said it wasn't as delicious as she was expecting, so there must be something wrong with it. What was I selling? A new and unopened lipstick. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2016 19:00 - United States - Arlington

Today, my boyfriend is mad at me for causing him to fail a science test. Apparently he thought I was serious when I told him that homo sapiens were extinct because they were "homo". FML

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By soprahb - 19/10/2012 06:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's new favorite TV show is Law and Order SVU. Now after every episode she insists on asking me if I'm sure I wasn't molested as a kid. She's still on the first season. FML

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By woahitbechels - 25/4/2011 01:10 - United States

Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 05:38

Today, I asked my parents if I had a college fund because I will be going to university in two years. They laughed. FML

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By facepalm - 27/2/2009 08:39 - Singapore

Today, I was having phone sex with my boyfriend. About halfway through he went really quiet and started breathing heavily. I thought he was about to climax until I discovered he had fallen asleep. FML

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By anonymous - 16/9/2013 05:35 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, a lady stormed into the pharmacy I work at and chewed me out because the medicine I sold her the day before gave her horrible diarrhea as a "side effect". I checked, and it was the medicine she asked for - laxatives. FML

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By gooddaydude - 4/4/2015 19:32 - United States - Omaha

Today, my mom called 5 times and I didn't pick up due to being in class at college. I was later called to the front desk, where my mom was crying. She said she was worried about me because I didn't say "I love you" to her after she dropped me off at college. FML

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By ally - 3/2/2009 19:34 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a guy that I just met, and when I thought he was about to orgasm, he actually had an asthma attack. FML

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By rmL - 13/10/2008 08:31

Today, the real estate guy came with potential buyers to visit my house. He opened my bedroom while I was wanking. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2012 01:54 - United States

Today, I started speaking gibberish in the middle of the conversation with my mom to see if she would notice. She didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2017 01:30

Today, after a year of diet and rigorous exercise, I've still gained weight. Confused, I went to my doctor. Apparently I have a thyroid condition he forgot to mention, and therefore haven't been on medication for, thus causing weight gain. FML

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Top comments

By Minorchord | 4

#215917 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:06

I bet she didn't have a dog, did she...

By BitterJaded | 0

#215941 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:10

If you think your life is fucked because of this.......wow. I'll trade you lives.

Comments

By Minorchord | 4

#215917 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:06

I bet she didn't have a dog, did she...

Reply

ReyEr9412 | 0

#921926 - Sunday 7 March 2010 16:38

Not an FML.

Reply

ilovefatcats | 12

#965342 - Saturday 20 March 2010 23:14

what happend to "thanks"?

Reply

Gorsbug823 | 0

#1070335 - Wednesday 7 July 2010 7:30

how is this an fml?

Reply

lolfood | 24

#5270290 - Saturday 22 December 2012 8:54

Nah, she has a pussy.

By CHILL222 | 0

#215920 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:06

ha, i would hav done that too.....at least u were bein nice

Reply

lrsmith312 | 0

#1031873 - Wednesday 16 June 2010 5:13

thatta kid :D

By FukedOver | 0

#215926 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:07

thats kind of a lame FML... you look like a dumbass for a few seconds to a minute but your life is not fucked

By aFMLaddict | 0

#215936 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:09

hahah..fyl
seriously, she looked like a dog to you?

By BitterJaded | 0

#215941 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:10

If you think your life is fucked because of this.......wow. I'll trade you lives.

Reply

Carlie_McCartney | 1

#1524774 - Sunday 10 October 2010 2:22

ditto!:D

Reply

icrest80 | 4

#4943316 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 2:53

dildo! :D

By nomorehope | 0

#215943 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:10

bahaha , i hate it when that happenss ;p

By abinator412 | 0

#215947 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:11

ain't that a bitch

By bonafidehustler | 0

#215949 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:12

Haha I like this one. Even though it's not a really bad FML, it's something I'd totally do so it made me laugh. When cute girls compliment my dog, I always say something stupid and awkward back, and I make an ass out of myself.

By Synnie | 0

#215950 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:12

There's a Dane Cook joke on this. :3 Or I think it was Dane.

Reply

Akazuki | 26

#4471000 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 6:07

I don't know about Dane Cook, but I know Brian Regan had a joke about "you too!".

Reply

T9FTW | 20

#5126792 - Thursday 8 November 2012 4:48

DANE!!! LIKE GREAT DANE!!!! Oh...

OP, that's definitely something I would do!

By omglyktotally78 | 0

#215953 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:12

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!