Love: Today, I was on vacation, when a very cute guy starting talking... - FML

By Boulette - France - Dammartin-en-go?le

Today, I was on vacation, when a very cute guy starting talking to me and asked me what my name was. Overwhelmed and stressed out, I blurted out that I didn't have one. FML

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Sorry…

Class Wars - UK Edition

Always ask for documentation

By disgusted - United States - Clarksville

Today, I was watching TV with my mom, when a plumbing ad came on. A hot guy showed up on-screen and said "I'm here to snake your drain." My mom immediately piped up with, "Oh, I'd let him snake my drain any day." Thanks for that imagery, mom. FML

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By longdrive - United States - San Francisco

Today, I left for a fifteen-hour drive with two guys who won't stop talking in a Yoda voice. Sick of this nonsense, I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 20:02

Mystery message service

Today, my two year-old opened one of my boyfriend's Snapchat messages. It was from a girl I've never heard of with, whom he has a 700+ day streak and is one of his top friends. The message said, "I wish?" FML

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By theydidsmellitthough - Israel - Netanya

Today, I was playing Slender, when I caught a glimpse of the Slenderman. I jumped in my chair, letting rip a huge fart in the process. Nobody heard it, but only because my shrieks of terror drowned out the sound. FML

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By TMI - United States

Today, I was emailing my professor about what chapters our test is on this afternoon. She accidentally emailed me informing me of the date she went on last night, including that she "got laid... yay!!" and a picture. I still don't know what chapters I'm being tested on. FML

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By LoveSucks

Today, I went on a blind date. All my date would talk about was how he was 'really his own best friend'. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I held the door open for an old man in a motorized wheelchair. He missed the door, hit my foot, and called me an asshole for getting in his way. FML

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By fucklife - United States - Washington

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she heard me say "love you" on the phone. I was talking to my mom. FML

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By twelfinity - United States

Today, my husband decided that the best way to deal with me eating the last chocolate chip muffin was to give me the silent treatment. Normally, I'd just get over his childish behavior, but we're on a fifteen hour car trip back home with our one year old. FML

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By gassygirlfriend - United States - Nampa

Today, I was spooning with my girlfriend. She fell asleep and spent the next 15 minutes farting on me. FML

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By Chris - United States

Today, I was in the elevator with my female coworker and a very attractive teen in front of us. My coworker reached out and grabbed the boobs of the teen in front of us, and blamed it on me. I got yelled at, kneed in the crotch, and punched in the face. My coworker couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By H1dd3n - United States - La Quinta

Today, I found out that my parents were artists when they met. My mom said that I was one of their best projects yet. My sister, hearing what my mother said, broke my week-old PS3 in a rage. FML

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By figgy - United States

Today, I was working in a deli when I cut more meat than I intended; I basically removed my fingerprint via the deli slicer. FML

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By Rachel - United States - Waynesburg

Today, I was passing notes in class with my crush. I started to pour my heart out and tell him about how I've liked him for years. I was caught by the teacher. He looked at it, laughed, and tore it up. He then looked at me and said, "I just saved you from years of embarrassment. You're welcome." FML

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By poisonhand - United States

Today, a co-worker asked me if I had a comb he could borrow. I'm bald. FML

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By Brastro - Ireland

Today, we were at the end of our surfing trip watching a photo montage. A picture popped up of an ugly girl surfing so I shouted out "I didn't know Shrek could surf". The room went very quiet. "Shrek" was sitting beside me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wapakoneta

Today, my surgeon was giving me the lowdown of what was going to happen on the operating table. I was anxious enough without him saying stuff like "cut you open", "quite a bit of blood" and "it's all quite risky." That's all I remember before fainting. My wife won't stop mocking me for it. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Reusel

Today, I walked into a room to help a patient get ready for bed. Except she already was in bed, with two other male patients. I work in a retirement home. FML

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By KatieB - United Kingdom - Newark

Today, my boyfriend was over. I asked my dad how long until dinner was ready, his reply was, "Five minutes, so no, you can't go upstairs for a quickie". FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 20:02 - Canada - Windsor

Not likely in 2020

Today, I’m stuck not being able to sleep, because the thought of someone actually caring about me occurred. FML

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By cass - United States

Today, is my high school graduation. Last night I read online that you can use apple cider vinegar to help with head dandruff, so I tried it out. Now, no matter how much product or perfume I use, I still smell like a giant walking fart. My graduation is in a couple of hours. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while walking my dog, we came across two men having a heated argument in the street. My dog decided the perfect place to poop was right next to them. He wouldn't budge no matter what. Meanwhile, one of the men pulled a knife, and I practically shat myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ames

Today, the highlight of my whole month was finally being able to take a solid crap. FML

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By RuinedTheMood - United States - Tomball

Today, my fiancé and I were having sex in the early hours of the morning. He said "Morning sex is the best thing to wake up to." Without thinking, I responded "Yeah, unless you're in prison." He lost his erection due to laughing so hard and now can't look at me without laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

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By NowImSingle

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and threw all my stuff out into the yard because she caught me "texting another woman". Guess it didn't matter to her that the contact name was "Mom". FML

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By Gayeveryday - Canada - Truro

Today, I came out to my parents. They still think I'm joking. FML

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By DreeStahr - United States - Liberty

Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML

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By failure - Russian Federation

Today, my neighbour's boiler broke and flooded his home. To solve the problem, the water company shut off the neighbourhood's water supply while they fixed his boiler. I am now unable to shower, and I smell like a zoo animal. FML

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By cock blocked - United States - San Francisco

Today, I started work cleaning a customer's pool. I think her husband watches too much porn because he keeps glaring at me from the windows, and I overheard him telling his wife that he knows what's "going on" and that he's "not gonna let it happen". FML

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By angelsaredicks - United States - Morgantown

Today, I gave blood for the first time, since I'm a universal donor. After it was done, I passed out, woke up, puked, and passed out again. The kind nurses told me I was the worst case they had seen all week. So much for doing something to help others. FML

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By doubletrouble - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally found a roommate after hopelessly looking for months. I was really anxious to meet the guy because I would most likely be spending a good amount of time with him. Who did my boyfriend end up picking as his new roommate? My ex-boyfriend. FML

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By pooraf - United States - Urbana

Today, I got mugged. I almost felt sorry for him: he got a $15 cell phone, a frozen debit card, a credit card with only $50 of credit left on it, and no cash. FML

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By ccc - United States

Today, a cab driver had to sign me out of the emergency room because I didn't know who else to call. FML

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By emeraldapostle

Today, both a coworker of mine and my boss agreed that I fit the profile of a serial killer. I don't know what's worse, the fact that they think that low of me, or the fact that this isn't the first time someone's said I remind them of a serial killer. FML

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By 221bcompanion - United States - Massillon

Today, I put more effort into getting and keeping my Sims onto a good sleep schedule in order to properly take care of their needs than I did for myself. FML

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By HBCRUISER

Today, I had to go to the local UPS store to sign for a package with providing I.D. shipped to me. I had no idea who had sent the package. After signing for the package, I opened it and saw that I had signed for an empty package. I actually paid for nothing. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, whilst pleasuring myself in my bedroom, I began absent-mindedly staring at a spider on the ceiling. It wasn't until the point of climax that I realised that I was, in effect, masturbating over a spider. FML

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By IceCreamCraver - United States

Today, the ice cream truck went by my house for the seventh time today, as it has for the last seven days of my fasting. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2020 05:02

Merry Christmas, or not

Today, I got a quick COVID test and got a positive result. Christmas is in 3 days, my son and husband have to stay with my mom and Christmas is my favorite holiday. I've never been away from them this long and it is killing me. FML

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Top comments

By Bloo2555 | 22

#7626692 - Tuesday 24 April 2018 17:40

Hi, I'm 《null》

By HalfRetarded127 | 18

#7763411 - Monday 4 February 2019 1:12

WE THREW OUT HIS NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COMMENTS

By Bloo2555 | 22

#7626692 - Tuesday 24 April 2018 17:40

Hi, I'm 《null》

By HalfRetarded127 | 18

#7763411 - Monday 4 February 2019 1:12

WE THREW OUT HIS NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!