That's not funny. Never has been. Never will

Well, humor is subjective. It's probably funny to a 9 year old who's hearing it for the first time

Temptation to get the first comment for the first time was so high my brain resorted to using a childish "joke". My bad xD

That sounds like a boring plot twist. I like the original story better.

Plot twist: OP called Dog. "Yes, this is dog"

Plot twist: it was OP's wife's lover, fucking his other girlfriend in their bed.

Plot Twist: ^ Refrain from further plot twists please.

Op already left us a nice cliffhanger.

Hopefully you hung up and called the police

The hell man?...

Respect

"I don't know where you are...."

Hahaha I didn't even think about that! I was just trying to quote Taken. Besides, the person in OP's house will probably be long gone by the time OP gets home

"I dunno who you are. I dunno what you want. If it's sugar it's in the pantry. Just know that if you eat my ice cream, I will find you, I will cut you, I will kill you" *Guy with mouthful of ice cream* "Good luck"

This made me laugh way more than it probably should have. Oh sleep deprivation haha

"Do not touch my oreos. If you were smart, you'd be scared."

#23 Best Comment Ever

I'm unsure as how The Police could do anything about the situation other than sing "Every breath you take Every move you make Every bond you break Every step you take I'll be watching you"

45, this would have been way funnier if a) the previous post had said "The Police", rather than "the police", and 2) you hadn't basically quoted the whole fucking song.