Miscellaneous: Today, I was on my way to my first job interview in months. I... - FML

By spasti-cunt - 17/05/2014 20:51 - Ireland

Today, I was on my way to my first job interview in months. I wasn't even halfway to the place when a bunch of cockbites in a car drove past and hurled a bucket of paint out the window, drenching me and several other people on the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 301

You deserved it 3 892

Stop talking!

Late term

Awkward

By TextsAlot - 26/08/2010 04:08 - Canada

Today, my husband has been out of town for a week. The only text I've got from him was, "I didn't take a poop today." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 904

You deserved it 3 856

By Anonymous - 31/05/2009 22:09 - United States

Today, I went to put my laptop on a desk when I got a text message. I was startled by my ringtone and dropped my laptop on the ground. It now has dent marks on the bottom. The text message was from an annoying friend simply saying "I'm eating a hot dog." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 592

You deserved it 14 535

By Jonas - 06/06/2012 05:00 - United States - Wimberley

Today, I realized my paranoia is really bad when I saw my coworker holding a knife and immediately began thinking of ways to keep him from stabbing me. I work in a restaurant kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 305

You deserved it 4 201

By birdhater - 15/10/2009 06:16 - Australia

Today, the bird that has been stuck in my roof for two days, keeping me awake at night, finally flew out of the roof and into the house. As I was opening the door to send it outside, it flew straight back up into the roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 799

You deserved it 2 654

By Anonymous - 18/06/2019 06:44

Today, I was in a public toilet taking a dump. I then noticed someone trying to peep under the door, so I kicked them in the head as hard as I could. Turned out it was a 5-year-old looking for his parent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 894

You deserved it 1 380

By 3hoursleftofwork - 28/03/2012 18:02 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, the magic of witnessing a sheep giving birth was ruined for me when I slipped and fell in the puddle of birth fluids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 684

You deserved it 5 331

By kmf - 10/08/2009 19:06 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to get hot and heavy in my truck at our favorite park. We start going at it and we were both butt naked when I see a car pull into the lot. Not only is it a cop car, but the first thing the cop asks my girlfriend is "Are you being held against your will?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 682

You deserved it 14 125

By Mortified - 22/07/2009 09:48 - Australia

Today, I was in the living room with my brother and his two older, hot friends when my mother walks out from the toilet and tells me, "Honey, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie wipe the seatie." Need I say more? FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 951

You deserved it 17 339

By DetergentFrog6 - 07/04/2014 20:54 - United States - Rahway

Today, while playing basketball, my friend thanked me for passing the ball to him. I was too embarrassed to tell him that that was me shooting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 806

You deserved it 5 031

By Wwiimaniac - 25/06/2012 14:05 - United States - Dallas

Today, I finally achieved the perfect hourglass figure. Too bad I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 196

You deserved it 5 481

By Anonymous - 08/09/2011 19:51 - United States

Today, I went to my favorite drive-in burger joint for dinner. As I was nearing the end of my burger, I grabbed a cup from the cup holder that I thought was filled with soda. Instead, I got a mouthful of dip spit that a friend left in my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 327

You deserved it 7 979

By living in the ugly treehouse - 14/02/2016 11:23 - Australia

Today, while taking the bus home, a girl stared at me for a while before asking me if I'd ever heard of makeup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 476

You deserved it 1 736

By Anonymous - 27/04/2019 04:00

Today, my moron of a teenager drank lube to lubricate his throat during a coughing fit, thinking it would take away the itchiness in his throat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 117

You deserved it 359

By Anonymous - 29/08/2019 17:04 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I found out my brother doesn't have a problem with "keeping it in the family". It's now up to me to explain why our cousin is pregnant with his kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 076

You deserved it 153

Bad omen

By KarmasPlaything - 14/08/2021 02:01 - United States - Shallotte

Today, I’m on vacation with my fiancé and his kids. We came to see a wedding venue. Too bad I severely sprained my ankle. I also sprained that same ankle when he proposed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 668

You deserved it 77

By NonBelieber - 18/09/2013 04:22 - United States - Bessemer

Today, just like the last several days, I walked out to my car after class only to notice the Justin Beiber stickers arranged on my bumper and license plates. My dad put them there, and thinks it's just as hilarious as the first time. He has four packs of stickers left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 770

You deserved it 3 068

By embarrassed - 21/07/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, I was driving and saw two hot girls on the sidewalk so I rolled down the window to whistle at them. However, I failed to notice that the car in front of me had stopped at a red light. I rear ended the car, the girls ran away laughing their asses off, and now I have to pay for the damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 762

You deserved it 117 383

By Anonymous - 09/07/2015 16:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I folded a stack of 2,500 brochures for the new exhibit we're putting on at the museum where I work. As I was finishing up, I got an email. The dates have just been changed, so all the brochures have to be reprinted and refolded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 184

You deserved it 1 936

Hammocking yourself

By phlox_fml - 30/05/2020 08:00

Today, I fell backwards out of my hammock, busting my shoulder. This weekend, I broke my toe falling out of it. I've used hammocks my entire life, but have become apparently unable to during the lockdown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 241

You deserved it 252

By too young for this - 12/04/2013 05:11 - United States

Today, my mom broke the news that my dad secretly got married two months ago, to a woman he has been dating for 15 years, and that my parents have actually been divorced for 12 years. They just lied about it this whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 174

You deserved it 5 846

By jooshuarr - 18/06/2010 23:09 - Spain

Today, while tuning my bass guitar, I noticed a very strange screeching sound. I leaned over to look behind the neck. The biggest string snapped off and cut the side of my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 646

You deserved it 4 708

With friends like these…

By Poor as fuck - 29/05/2019 22:07

Today, I stayed with a friend because I was recently kicked out of my home and had nowhere to go. When I went out for job applications, she asked, "Can you pick me up a pack of smokes?" and then got mad that I didn't have the money, calling me selfish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 691

You deserved it 306

Confused

By Miranda - 07/06/2020 17:06

Today, I was going to walk up to my crush, kiss him, and tell him how I felt. We are already kind of touchy with each other, so I thought he liked me back. I walked up to him and kissed him. He kissed me back, then gently pushed me away. He quietly whispered, "I'm gay." Then walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 637

You deserved it 423

By 420curse - 05/05/2015 18:20 - United States - San Mateo

Spicy

Today, I found out the "sex noises" I heard from next door last night, which I'd angrily yelled at my neighbor for, were actually from him having an uncontrollable seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 550

You deserved it 15 090

By Haitwun - 08/12/2014 02:18 - United States - El Monte

Today, my girlfriend decided to treat me out to dinner and cake for my birthday. My mom felt left out and yelled at my girlfriend in an angry tirade. My girlfriend went home. I'm spending my birthday, alone in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 187

You deserved it 2 902

By Anonymous - 03/09/2011 17:06 - United States

Spicy

Today, my parents' divorce was finalized, and my mother decided to publicly celebrate with a bikini wax. She calls it her "Declaration of Independence". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 504

You deserved it 3 080

By meg the mighty - 01/12/2018 15:30

Today, it's been 3 days since my husband decided he really wanted to try the surstromming challenge. I can still smell that shit all through my house even with all the doors and windows open after the stupid bastard took one smell, vomited, and dropped the can on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 390

You deserved it 266

Class act

By Anonymous - 23/03/2020 17:23

Today, after 5 years, an engagement, and me being 5 months pregnant, my boyfriend downloaded Tinder again. 2020 is really great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 798

You deserved it 256

By xo_lezz - 01/03/2009 17:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, my best friend slapped me and called me a some colorful words before telling me that she never wanted to talk to me again because I supposedly slept with her boyfriend. Not only am I a virgin, but I'm a lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 200 507

You deserved it 16 628

By camzzz - 02/07/2011 08:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking around when she got lost in a crowd. And me, being a pig, playfully grabbed her butt. I realized it wasn't hers when the guy whose butt I'd grabbed by accident knocked me unconscious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 152

You deserved it 47 497

By Carnage23 - 05/06/2016 12:38 - Germany - Herborn

Today, I was on a long roadtrip with my son. My son said he has to pee to which I answered he had to wait till I can stop the car. He started counting backwards from 10. I couldn't stop in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 940

You deserved it 2 210

Yappy neighborhood

By Anonymous - 14/04/2020 14:00

Today, I don't think my neighbours realize that, by getting that dog they have been wanting, they ruined the peace and quiet of the entire neighbourhood, consisting of ten houses. I'm the person underneath whose window that dog barks every day - mostly when I'm either trying to fall asleep or wanting to sleep in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 610

You deserved it 340

Never name-drop

By Kayla - 16/01/2021 11:02 - United States - Wenatchee

Today, I had a job interview. I have another job I want to leave, but haven't said anything yet. At the interview, I mentioned where I worked, and the interviewer name-dropped my manager. She then told me he was her step brother. So much for not wanting my manager to know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 231

You deserved it 164

By Eddy - 27/08/2017 16:00

Today, I was let go at work. About 2 years ago, we had hired an eager-to-learn "assistant" for me. When they canned me, they let me know that I should've trained him faster so I could've been fired sooner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 882

You deserved it 305

By Rejected - 03/10/2016 16:00 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I told my wife that she gets 100% of me and I keep nothing from her. She told me she doesn't want it and that I should get counseling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 637

You deserved it 1 257

By AbhorrentApplication - 28/04/2013 23:40 - United States - Reston

Today, my ten-year-old sister had to write out my job application because no one can read my terrible handwriting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 192

You deserved it 38 822

By Anonymous - 06/02/2016 02:16 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, my now ex-boyfriend accused me of wanting to screw his 11-year-old brother, all because I expressed interest in going to his birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 054

You deserved it 1 635

By 404: sense not found - 08/06/2014 18:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, some pig slapped my ass as he passed me in the street, then looked back at me with a dirty grin. His grin turned to horror when he realized that I'm actually a guy, then to anger as he bitched me out for "tricking" him by "looking like a chick". FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 230

You deserved it 7 324

By disfordiploma - 25/03/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I found out that I'm failing this semester because I've missed too many classes. I've missed the classes because I've been having panic attacks, a symptom of my anxiety disorder. I got the anxiety disorder because I was so afraid of failing school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108 174

You deserved it 28 214

By fmlsomuch - 25/02/2012 20:51 - Japan

Today, I told my mom about an article I'd seen that said people tend to make the most mistakes at 2 to 3 in the morning. Without a trace of humor in her voice, she said, "Tell me about it. You were conceived round about then." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 132

You deserved it 3 353

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Top comments

Qwermy 16

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Sunday 18 May 2014 2:13

Those douchebags sure showed you their true colors, OP

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Sunday 18 May 2014 2:12

Ain't nothing like painting the town red, and it's people too... (Was it at least red paint?)

Comments

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Sunday 18 May 2014 2:12

Ain't nothing like painting the town red, and it's people too... (Was it at least red paint?)

AnOriginalName 19

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Sunday 18 May 2014 2:38

Nope. It was black. Someone came through right before this group and got red on all the doors, so OP's group went through town to paint everything black.

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Sunday 18 May 2014 3:29

Don't get mad at me for not knowing, but you're talking about the song right?

AnOriginalName 19

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Sunday 18 May 2014 4:36

"I see a red door and I want it painted black. No colors anymore, I want them to turn black...."

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Sunday 18 May 2014 4:48

i see white everywhere cause i bursted

liketenpandas 6

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Sunday 18 May 2014 6:16

I wish I could thumb you up like a million times. Fucking amazing song.

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Sunday 18 May 2014 7:13

Ahh, that one. Memory lane is a nice place, isn't it?

incoherentrmblr 21

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Sunday 18 May 2014 20:18

Now you can go to your interview looking like Marv from Home Alone 2...

9echo 17

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Monday 19 May 2014 15:41

"I see the girls walk by, dressed in their paint-drenched clothes..."

Qwermy 16

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Sunday 18 May 2014 2:13

Those douchebags sure showed you their true colors, OP

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Sunday 18 May 2014 6:03

oh i see what you did there. ;-)

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Sunday 18 May 2014 6:49

those fucking cockbites

AurumPotestasEst 16

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Sunday 18 May 2014 23:21

So... how did the interview go?

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Sunday 18 May 2014 2:14

Better luck next time. You still did not lose the job yet..

WhatsYOURname6 25

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Sunday 18 May 2014 2:23

I have a feeling he didn't get it......

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Sunday 18 May 2014 2:42

Can't lose what you haven't had...

DemosthenesMB 13

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Sunday 18 May 2014 5:55

#23 - I don't think it would be worse in this situation. If you lose an interview, so what? You can try again! If you lose a job, it could go on your record and/or your boss could give any future employers bad feedback about you. OP, just be glad you're attempting to make progress in your life compared to those a**holes with nothing else to do but coat people in paint.

ohcheriecherie 20

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Sunday 18 May 2014 7:06

I don't know which would be worse, coming into the interview and making a mess with paint, or rescheduling with an excuse like that.

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Sunday 18 May 2014 14:02

43, I don't think losing an interview is a 'so what' situation. OP said it was their first in months and I know people sending out applications by the dozens and not getting interviews - not because they are bad applicants, but because companies are still not hiring at a rate that allows for 'so what' to be a response for missing the opportunity of a job interview.

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Sunday 18 May 2014 2:15

"Hope you have a really nice pair of pants" Chris Gardner - The Pursuit of Happiness

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Sunday 18 May 2014 6:45

I was thinking about the same thing. :)

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Sunday 18 May 2014 2:16

What scum! The karma cops are after them for sure! Good luck on your job search OP!

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Sunday 18 May 2014 2:17

And I thought immature assholes yelling "Godzilla" at a group of Asian people was the worst

WhatsYOURname6 25

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Sunday 18 May 2014 2:18

Saw the word 'cockbites' and thought how is this person Irish?! And then saw the word 'cunt' in the username and it all made sense! Sounds like something that would happen here alright. Good luck next time OP. Sorry that your opportunity was ruined by a bunch of pricks!

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Sunday 18 May 2014 2:21

FML agreed. Plain and simple.

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Sunday 18 May 2014 2:22

FYL op, should have got their plate number

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Sunday 18 May 2014 2:39

The first thing I do when I'm blindsided by a cascade of paint is memorize a sequence of numbers. I also immediately do neurosurgery after waking up and rocket science after a car crash.

chickenfeet223 11

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Sunday 18 May 2014 5:12

And the winner for sarcasm

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Sunday 18 May 2014 14:32

@40 - I can only imagine the lawsuits and horrified headlines if I weren't.

classiceagle63 16

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Sunday 18 May 2014 2:32

Could find a new job in the blue man group.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 924

You deserved it 121

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 229

You deserved it 295